Lucy Gets A Hamburger!

…because it’s her birthday!

 

The Doclopedia #549

The Colors: Brown

On June 3^rd, 2002, all of the totally brown cows in the world went on a killing rampage against humans and other cattle. They seem to have developed vastly increased intelligence, telepathic powers that allowed them to stun large numbers of their prey at once, extraordinary toughness and the ability to speak. The latter ability was mostly limited to their saying “How now, motherfuckers!”

Eventually, they were defeated, but at a terrible cost to humankind, who had to use chemical weapons that killed hundreds of millions of people. Afterwards, by international law, cattle could only be bread in black, white or red coat colors. Even so, most people are either terribly afraid of cattle or very respectful of them.

Nobody eats beef any more.

The Doclopedia #550

The Colors: White

White Blobs are one of the very few blobs, oozes, slimes or jellies that are not dangerous to other living creatures, metals or magic. White Blobs live in temperate climates, mostly in forests or lightly wooded areas. The are exclusively consumers of dead plant matter, including leaves, grasses, dead flowers and small branches or vines. They excrete a top quality compost and are in big demand by gardeners and orchardists.

White Blobs seem to have some intelligence, with the Wizard Skliv Sklivornik saying that he would rate them “at the level of a somewhat dim dog”. As with all of the formless lifeforms, they reproduce fission, splitting into two complete creatures about 3 or 4 times a year.

White Blobs are a nutritious, if somewhat disgusting, food source and many creatures prey on them.

The Astounding Adventures Of Doctor Tempest In The Land Of The Mammoths

… from the February, 1888 issue

The Doclopedia #547

The Colors: Grey

The Grey Army of Baron Drogarsky made it’s first move for domination of Europe in the spring of 1892, using armored troops riding on the massive Steam Powered Walkers and the giant Trackless Locomotives. The latter were particularly horrifying, since they both looked and moved like enormous snakes, crushing everything in their paths and spewing gunfire and flames. Later came the Grey Dragon Airships that bombed major cities into ruins.

Unfortunately for Drogarsky his ranks had been infiltrated by spies from Great Britain, the United States and Germany, who caused much trouble from within. He also did not count on the French developing the Sonic Stunner, which they mounted beneath several of their own airships. By the winter of 1892, the Grey Army was in ruins.

Unfortunately, Drogarsky escaped and his whereabouts are unknown at this time. 

The Doclopedia #548

The Colors: Pink

The Pink Banana was one of the most famous places for music in all of San Francisco. It had been Mulroney’s Bar from 1908 until 1964, when it closed down after a fire. In 1966, it was bought by brothers Allen and Caleb Paltz, who expanded it and began booking local music acts. By the First Summer of Love in 1967, it was attracting national and international musicians. All of the greats played there early in their careers. Many, such as Jefferson Railroad, Quicksilver Grape, The Mamapapas and the Janis Hannibal were signed to recording contracts after appearing at the Pink Banana. It and several businesses near it became a big center for hippie culture.

After the Fifth Summer of Love, in 1971, the hippie scene faded away, but the Pink Banana kept going strong for another ten years. Sadly, it was destroyed in the Great Earthquake of 1981 and was not rebuilt. Instead, a park centered on a huge steel pink banana surrounded by a wall commemorating all of the musicians who played there was built on it’s place. Every year, a week of outdoor live concerts is held there.

The Funky Chickens Go To Hollywood

…where the refused roles in “Battleship”

 

The Doclopedia #545

The Colors: Purple

The Purple Woman is one of the most intriguing things in all of paranormal research. The way she can fade into and out of view suggests that she might be a ghost, but her very definitely human physiology suggests that she might be some form of mutant human. Of course, the UFOlogists are convinced she is an alien or, perhaps, some secret project using captured alien technology.

Regardless of what she is, this nude, 6 foot tall female appears 3-5 times a year in various locations around the world, usually in areas of low population density. She can appear during the day or night and she never speaks. She has aided people in trouble and chased people away from certain areas, but most often she just wanders around. All attempts to communicate, capture or even touch her have failed so far.

The Doclopedia #546

The Colors: Orange

“I’ll tell ya what I know of the Orange Dragon, lads, and I hope it helps you when ya go huntin’ it. First off, it’s big, but nowhere near as big as one of yer Red or Black Dragons. I’d reckon it measures 60-70 feet long. It’s not a flyer, but it can run faster than the best horse and turn on a dime. And leap? Hellfire can it leap! 100 feet easy! So as you can imagine, it ain’t just gonna stand there and fight you.

 Now, yer Orange Dragon doesn’t breath fire or spit acid, but it can breath out a cold fog that’ll chill ya to the bone in under a minute, so beware of that. Of course, if it bites ya…even a little nip…you’ll be in agony for hours, if it doesn’t just kill ya.

Best way to fight it? Arrows and magic, sure enough, but ya need some sword swingin’ up close fighters to keep it distracted at first. Have yer archers aim for the hindquarters and front shoulders, so as to stop that leapin’ and slow it down. Mages ought to hit it with confusion spells and maybe a few lightning bolts.

Well, fellers, I hope that helps ye. Good luck and if ya don’t die, come ’round and tell me how things went.”

Never Hand A Monkey To A Drunk

…it’ll piss the monkey off

Woohoo! New Doclopedia theme!

The Doclopedia #542

 The Colors: Red

 Red is the fur color of the male Zertbeast, the apex predator of the great plains on the northern landmass of the planet Torsek 3. These big males weigh about 2,000 pounds and can be up to 15 feet long, including the 4 foot long tail. Their fangs, which are serrated, measure 6 inches long. Their claws are 3 inches long and razor sharp. A large male Zertbeast can hit 40 miles an hour on level ground and maintain that speed for half an hour. Their primary prey is the Golden Antelope, but they also feed regularly on Grey Leapers, Fatrats and young Gargantosaurs.

The Doclopedia #543

The Colors: Blue

 Blue was the primary costume color of the Blue Moose, the much loved Canadian superhero of the 1950′s and 60′s. He was nearly 7 feet tall, superbly muscled and extremely tough. His mutant ability to fly and sprout large electrified antlers made him the scourge of the criminal underworld. He was the subject of comic books, movies and a long running animated television show.

Around 1969, the Blue Moose seemed to be losing his powers. He was still a very imposing individual, but he used his flight and antlers much less. By 1973, he admitted to the world that he had lost those powers. However, by then, a new crop of superheroes was coming up and the Blue Moose helped them in any way he could, mostly by giving them the benefit of his years of experience.

In 1992, the Blue Moose announced his retirement and left the public eye. Nobody knows where he went or who he really was.

The Doclopedia #544

The Colors: Yellow

When the Deathclouds covered the world in 1830, they were bright yellow in color and nearly 100% toxic to anyone who had passed through puberty. Victims would breath in the toxin, then pretty much liquefy from the inside out. Only a very small percentage of adults survived, and they had shortened lifespans due to a variety of problems.

Fortunately, enough adults lived on to teach many of the surviving children how to live in this new world. Even so, in many places, they did not have adults and reverted to savagery. That is why now, in 1890, there are walled city states of the Educated surrounded by large Tribelands with whom they trade and have uneasy peace agreements.

Duck Jackets

…for the well dressed waterfowl

 

The Doclopedia #540

Those Furry Little Bastards!: Fantasy Version

Karak, barbarian swordsman

“I’ll make this short, scribe, then you will leave me to my ale and foul mood. I am Karak, of the Northern Horde! My people live in a cold, rough and godless land. I slew my first opponent, a Driskan snakeman, when I was but 6 years old! I have fought and fought with the greatest warriors of this world! I have won and lost kingdoms and my name was feared everywhere. Was feared. No more. In one night, when those thrice cursed furry little bastards drugged me and then tattooed my body with tiny ponies, flowers, baby ducks and little bears with big eyes, I have gone from a fearsome warrior to a laughingstock! Now leave me to my drinking.”

Flin Evensoul, Elvish adventurer

“We were so near to success, perhaps a hundred yards away from the room containing the Scepter of the Steel God. We had fought our way deep down into the caverns, past slimes and night runners and hobgoblins and dozens of other creatures, most of them trying hard to kill us first. We had gotten past traps and over pits and we were so close. Then they came…maybe a dozen of them…the Pitipati. They started dancing and singing and playing kazoos and before we could shut them up, the dragom awoke. We didn’t even know it was there, so deep had been it’s slumber. It would not have even noticed us as we took the Scepter, but those furry little bastards woke it up! Oh, how we ran, even when we reached tunnels the dragon could not follow us down, because we knew he was using larger passages and we had no time to waste fighting other creatures. We ran for hours, and every time we stopped for breath, there were the Pitipati! By the time we escaped, three days later, Rancifal had lost an arm, Gilfi was half mad, Plook was sick from fever, Arlista was blind and I was cursed with boils. If I never see another Pitipati again, it will be too soon.”

Drovinius Zalfazar, Master Wizard

“Oh yes, the Pitipati! Not native to this world, you know. Oh no indeed, they are almost certainly just passing through. Still, they do raise a hell of a ruckus, don’t they? Relabeled all of Olanga Muradak’s potion components, you know. She thought she was mixing up a simple healing draught until it exploded, causing her to glow in the dark and stink like Hybithran cheese. Quite funny, but nobody would ever say that to Olanga’s face, mind you. Same with old Finderwick Qutz. The Pitipati mucked about with his wands so that when he went to toss a lightning bolt at that female bugbear, he actually cast a love beam. Hit her square in the chest and she went head over heels for poor Findy. She hung around outside his tower for months. He was terrified she’d have her way with him. Heh heh, it was pretty funny. No, young fellow, despite the amusement they mat give to some of us with their antics, you’ll find no love for the Pitipati hereabouts.”

The Doclopedia #541

Those Furry Little Bastards!: Science Fiction Version

Engineering Officer on a starship

“No, Captain, I canna give ye warp speed. The little buggers have rerouted the warp controls to the food replicators. I tried to hit warp five and filled dining area three with apple fritters! No, we’ve got no phasers, either. They reworked them to fire a beam that loosens the bowels of most life forms. Well, yeah, sure that would buy us some time if ye shot the enemy ship with it.”

Doctor on the same starship

“Damn it, Captain, I’m a doctor, not a Pitipati hunter! Those little sons of bitches are everywhere and I’m damned if I can figure out how to tranquilize them. I hit one with enough morathalizine to knock out an elephant and all he did was get the hiccups. I can’t use stun gas on them because it makes them fart and their farts are highly explosive. All I can suggest is trying to beam them off the ship.”

Science Officer, same starship

“While they are fascinating creatures, Captain, they are also highly illogical and probably not from out reality. I have not been able to communicate with them as yet and an attempted mind meld found me regaining consciousness an hour later in the Botany lab covered in marshmallow cream and singing a human song about red red wine.”

 

 

The New England Mad Scientists Newsletter

… lots of Mad Scientists there

 

The Doclopedia #538

Those Furry Little Bastards!: Ancient Version

Sekht, Egyptian priest

“Sadly, Pharaoh, I must report that work on your great pyramid has almost ground to a halt. It seems that the Pitipati have absconded with most of our slaves as we slept last night. No, we have no idea where the went. Of course, it would not really matter, since they also took our plans for the pyramid with them. Then there is the fact that the furry little bastards look sort of like cats, making your soldiers afraid to kill them lest they piss of Bast.”

Hsang Lung, Chinese traveling herbalist

“I tell you, Wing, the Pitipati are wrecking havoc across the land. I was in the city only yesterday and saw a dozen of them carrying off a fat & rich merchant so they could toss him in the river. And just last week, I heard that they helped sneak a band of thieves right into the home of the governor! Rumor has it, they stole most of his belongings and two of his daughters! Several armies have tried to eliminate the Pitipati, but none have even come close. Why, General Tsin’s army was missing for a week and when they came back, they were in their underwear and their skin was dyed pink! I tell you, these creatures will be the death of China!”

Runs With The Wind, Cree woman

“These Pitipati are tricksters, oh yes. They watch and protect our children, but then they throw sticks and rocks at our men when they are bathing. They leave us clay pots, but eat our berries. They lead our hunters to good hunting, but then make our dogs howl at night. I think we will be glad when they go away.”

The Doclopedia #539

Those Furry Little Bastards!: Post Apocalyptic Version

Red Davy, scrounger, ruins of Las Vegas, Nevada

“I hate the Pitipati! If I could catch one, I’d kill it and eat it! YA HEAR ME, YOU LITTLE FUCKERS? I KNOW YER OUT THERE! Sorry, man, but they’ve been fucking with me for days. Started when I was in the Luxor, looking for some canned food. I’d just scored two cans of corn and a can of stewed tomatoes when all of a sudden, I’m getting pelted with fuckin’ dice and poker chips from up near the ceiling. Those hard edged casino dice hurt, dawg! I tried trowing an old frying pan at them, but the furry little shits are fast as hell. Since then, they’ve been following me around bugging me, so I’m gonna head out of town, maybe over to Henderson. YA HEAR THAT, YOU LITTLE PUNKS? YOU”LL HAVE TO FIND SOMEBODY ELSE TO FUCK WITH!”

 Dog Girl, resident, Creekside Estates, Milpitas, California

“No, they won’t bite you unless I tell them to. So, yeah, I’ve been living here with my homedogs since two summers ago. Nice houses, the ones still standing. Nothin’ like we had over in Palo Alto when I was a kid. Hunting is pretty good, too, down near the creek. Of course, the dogs keep things fairly safe. The Pitipati? Oh yeah, they come around once in a while, mostly just to bug the dogs and stack piles of junk up in cool shapes. See that one over there? Looks like a bear, doesn’t it? Anyway, I leave them out food from my garden…they really like beets…and sometimes they’ll leave me stuff. Last time, it was four bottles of scotch, so, you know, SCORE!”

Gino, wanderer, Rome, Italy

“I was 5 years old when I first encountered the Pitipati. Yes, right after things went bad. My father was dead and my mother was dying and I did not know what I was going to do. I was from a wealthy family, not a street kid, so I was not used to doing things to survive. The Pitipati came to me the day Mother died. I had heard bad things about them from adults, but they were very nice to me. Very gentle. They showed me that many people had planted gardens, where I could get vegetables and fruits to eat. They showed me how to fish and how to catch and milk a goat. They stayed with me for five years, until one night, when I was 10, when they must have decided that I was old enough to survive. That was nearly 20 years ago, and I will never say anything bad about the Pitipati…not even when I return to my camp and find my sleeping bag full of stones.”

Chapter 202: In Which Our Hero, Stranded In Istanbul (not Constantinople), Joins Up With A Merry Band Of Fruit Sellers.

…gotta love merry fruit sellers

Introduction: In many realities, a species of creature known as the Pitipati exist. Nobody knows exactly where they come from, but they aren’t a native species. They are about a foot tall, look like a cross between a kitten & a baby panda, have opposable thumbs, are quite intelligent and are hated by a large number of people no matter what worlds they live on.

 

The Doclopedia #537

 Those Furry Little Bastards!: Modern Version

 Frank Giacone, New York State Emergency Management Specialist, New York City…

 “The Pitipati? Oh fuck yes I hate those furry little bastards! Look over there, at that barricade. You know what’s on the other side? Fucking lions, tigers, bears and every other goddamn animal that used to be in the Central Park Zoo, the Bronx Zoo and about a dozen private homes and collections! And the fucking Pitipati are helping them hide! Did I mention the fact that those little fuckers also rigged that whole area with non-lethal boobytraps? Yeah, well, they sure as hell did. Christ, it may be months before that area is safe for humans again.”

 Jean Andrews, Housewife, Omaha, Nebraska…

 “Oh, good Lord, there they go again! Those creatures are so dangerous, I don’t know why the government can’t stop them. Why, just yesterday, they went in Mr. & Mrs, Mullins house while they were out shopping and they moved all of the furniture into the back yard. Even worse, they shed fur all over it and poor Mr. Mullins has allergies. And last Sunday, they turned loose about a thousand field mice over at the Episcopalian church right in the middle of the service. I just don’t know…JIMMY, DO NOT PET THAT THING! GET AWAY RIGHT NOW, YOUNG MAN!”

 David Pacheco, Forest Service Ranger, Humboldt County, California…

 “To tell the truth, most of us have mixed feelings about the Pitipati. On one hand, they annoy legitimate hikers & campers, mostly by playing pranks on them. On the other hand, we’ve busted record numbers of poachers and marijuana growers after we’ve found them tied up here in the forest next to their kills or weed. The furry little guys also take pictures & videos of the crimes in progress using stolen cameras & cell phones. Really helpful, even though you might get back to your vehicle and fing it up on blocks with the tires stacked up next to it.

Welcome To The Big Box Store

…where we sell big boxes!

The Doclopedia #536

 Worst. Smells. EVAR.: Were-rat Musk

 “Why do we charge so much more to hunt down were-rats, you ask? Well mate, there’s four reasons, ain’t there?

 Number One: They live down in the bleedin’ sewers. ‘Ave you ever been in the sewers, mate? It’s not a stroll through the King’s garden, I tell ya.

 Number Two: Were-rats are smart little sods. Unlike yer other lycanthropes, they ain’t all caught up in a bloodlust frenzy. Were-rats are clever and they can set clever traps for blokes what don’t keep sharp.

 Number Three: Like rats, they come in large numbers. Yer were-wolf? Maybe two, tops. Were-bears? Never more’n one. But bleedin’ were-rats? If ya only meet up with 10-12 yer doin’ good. I reckon it makes up for ‘em never being more than about 5 foot tall.

 Number Four: This here’s the big one. Were-rat males stink like no beer on a Saturday night. You can’t even imagine a worse stink, mate. I’d rather eat me lunch on a pile of rottin’ corpses than smell it. And the bleedin’ he rats rub it everywhere near their lair. By the time me an’ me mates wipe out a family of ‘em, we’ve gotta spend near a week out in the woods bathin’ in herbal brews to get the stink off, plus we ‘ave to burn our clothin’.

 So now that yer up on all that, me an’ the boys would be glad to ‘andle yer were-rat problem. Cash in advance, of course.”

Never Poke A Wild Boar With A Stick

…he might just be asleep, not dead

 

The Doclopedia #534

Worst. Smells. EVAR.: Dead Orcs

To be honest, orcs don’t smell all that great when they’re alive, but once they die, they turn the Stink dial up to 11. It’s pretty terrible.

The big problem is that orcs tend to die…well, actually, get killed…in large numbers because they attack other races, most of whom are better armed. The Meadows of Gavada are a beautiful place, but because the Battle of the Three Armies took place there two years ago, they are not visited by any creatures with a refined sense of smell. Sages estimate it may take another 5 years for the stench of 20,000 dead orcs to fade completely.

The Doclopedia #535

Worst. Smells. EVAR.: Green/Red Gravity Gas

As you all know from school, Green and Red Gravity Gases are what powers the vast fleets of air and space craft that make the British Empire the most powerful entity in the Solar system. The process is simple: Add more Green Gas to reduce the effects of gravity, add more Red to increase it.

The only real problem is that, while both gases are pretty malodorous, when mixed they smell “like Satan’s own shite”, to quote Professor Duncan Holstead, the creator of both gases. This is why specially trained personnel in specially trained suits work in the Gas Rooms, which themselves are always located as far as possible away from crew, officer and passenger quarters.

 

Three Girls In A Yellow Hotrod

…just looking for some trouble

The Doclopedia #532

 Worst. Smells. EVAR.: Demon Grease

 Any wizard or potionmaster on any of the magical Earths will tell you that they deal with some pretty nasty smells in the course of their work. They will also tell you that the worst smelling ingredient for a spell, potion or other magical recipe is demon grease. In fact, the smell of this terrible lubricant is the main reason that wizards and potionmasters live in isolated areas.

 As you might expect, demon grease is pretty expensive stuff due to it being very hard to make. First, you need to find a demonslayer, which could take quite some time and will definitely set you back a big chunk of money. Then there’s the whole hunting down and slaying of a nice fat demon, which is pretty damned iffy even for a demonslayer.

 After that, you need to harvest all of the various demon parts that can be used magically (and that is most of a demon) before you can start rendering down the fat. This takes a good week and is about as disgusting a job as you can imagine. Once you start rendering the fat, you need to cast certain spells to aid the process. Finally, you have a substance worth about 100 times more than gold, by weight.

It also smells so bad that most mages and their helpers have their sense of smell turned off before they deal with it. The exact smell is difficult to describe, but most of the wizards we know would rather be locked in a room with a rotting troll corpse covered in cat crap than smell demon grease.

 The Doclopedia #533

 Worst. Smells. EVAR.: Venusian Dinosaur Farts

 In Pulp Universe #7, Venus is a hot, humid and dangerous jungle planet just full of freaky looking dinosaur creatures. The whole place smells a bit less that pleasant most of the time and the dinosaurs are dangerous as all hell, but the very worst thing that can happen to you is to be anywhere near a Venusian dinosaur when it cuts the cheese.

The flatulence of these enormous creatures actually dissipates rather quickly, but for the first 30 seconds or so, it is terrible. How bad, you ask? So foul that it has been known to completely burn out the sense of smell for days, cause temporary insanity, cause nausea & vomiting and even knock a weak person into a coma lasting a day or two.