How To Build A Beer Rocket

…with illustrations

365 People, Places & Things #165

The Alphabet: X

X is for XAXIX

The multiverse is home to many wonderful things, but one of the most wonderful is the Earth 19 candy known as Xaxix. It is so good that the next 15 top selling candies combined don’t sell half as much as Xaxix does. It has made the inventor, master candymaker Marcus Delmont, the wealthiest man on earth.

The secret to the success of Xaxix is not the wonderfully creamy caramel, or even the thin layer of thickened real cherry juice (which, by itself, has made some people’s nipples go hard) or the sublimely crispy wafer. No, the real secret is rich deep dark hyperchocolate. How good is hyperchocolate? Well, several religions have made it a sin and in a recent poll of people 18 to 65, 74% would give up sex for a daily 6 ounce slab of it.

Hyperchocolate is made from regular chocolate using a top secret process that is known only to Marcus Delmont. The resulting product has been called “chocolate on steroids” and “the REAL food of the gods”.

A 4 ounce Xaxix bar sells for $1.00 in the U.S. A box of 10 half ounce bonbons sells for $1.50.

365 People, Places & Things #166

The Alphabet: Y

Y is for YELLOW SPIDER

Yellow Spider is a crime fighting masked vigilante who mostly works out of 1930′s era Osaka, Japan. He is a ruthless dispenser of justice and seldom turns his adversaries over to the police. Most of the time, they are found shot or hung or decapitated by a katana. Each body is found with a small yellow paper cutout of a spider, usually in their mouth.

The Yakuza is both enraged and terrified by all of this. No Yakuza member will travel anywhere alone now and most travel in groups of at least five. There is a huge standing reward for delivery of the Yellow Spider alive or dead. Thus far, nobody has collected.

Apparently, the vigilante doesn’t much care for corrupt politicians or warmongers, either. He has racked up a pretty good headcount of members of the military high command and powerful government leaders. A few of these vicyims have been found in many pieces, often in their well guarded homes.

Nobody knows who Yellow Spider is and the very few people who have seen him (if it is a man) are willing to talk about it.

365 People, Places & Things #167

The Alphabet: Z

Z is for ZERO DAY

On August 11th, 1958, at exactly 12:01 AM, every human being on the planet Earth blacked out for exactly 24 hours. Oddly, this did not result in great loss of life or property damage. In fact, everyone was just fine. Planes that had been in the air were on the ground safely, all cars were stopped, ships were ok, medical procedures were still at the exact point where the staff and/or patient blacked out…everything was fine except for the missing 24 hours.

Well, that and…

The cities of Novosibirsk, Adelaide, Long Beach, Stockholm, Cusco and Hong Kong were gone. In their places were terrain and ecosystems that should have taken at least 200 years to arise.

There were real live leprechauns in Ireland and the equivelant little faery folk in many other lands.

Portions of deserts all over the world had been changed into grasslands, complete with ponds and lakes that were fed by artesian springs.

Apes, pigs, dolphins and elephants could all speak human languages. They had a lot to say, most of it not good and directed at humans.

All of the nuclear weapons were gone.

Some people slowly, over the course of about a month, changed sex or ethnicity or both.

There has not been a single case of multiple human births since that day. The last set of human twins was born 2 minutes before the blackout in Toronto, Canada.

To this day (present date: March 3rd, 2018) nobody knows what the hell happened on Zero Day or why it happened. Well, maybe the apes, pigs, dolphins and elephants do, but they aren’t telling.

Green Is The Color Of My True Love’s Hair

…and her tattoo

365 People, Places & Things #163

The Alphabet: V

V is for VANISHING RABBITS

On an Earth very much like our own, there is a legend known on every continent except Antarctica: the Vanishing Rabbits. These possibly mythical creatures look and behave much like ordinary rabbits do, except for two big differences: they are larger by about 50% and they can vanish into thin air. Other myths and legends tell of them being as intelligent as humans, being evil, being good, dancing in the moonlight, being messengers of various gods and eating meat.

There is enough evidence that Vanishing Rabbits might exist to make cryptozoologists drool. There are bits of fur, fecal droppings, a few bones and photographs. All of the known photographs are a bit blurry and show what look to ordinary, if somewhat large, rabbits. One series of three photos, known as the Henderson Photos, do seem to show a rabbit vanishing, although scientists have argued that it is actually a trick of the light and movement of the camera. Still, there are many who take these photographs as proof of the existence of Vanishing Rabbits.

Although myths and legends of Vanishing Rabbits are found on almost all continents, none of these can be confirmed as going back farther than about 600 years. If the creatures were around before that, nobody knew about it.

365 People, Places & Things #164

The Alphabet: W

W is for WORLD WAR III

It is an interesting fact that, in all of the known parallel Earths that have been found, only three ever actually had a World War III. Two of those were USSR vs USA nukefests, one taking place in 1965 and one taking place in 1987. In both, nearly all human life was wiped out and a nuclear winter covered the globe.

The really interesting World War III was on Earth 71, where nuclear weapons don’t work. It was 2005 and, deprived of hot radioactive death, the major powers (USSR, USA, British Empire, China) released a wide variety of biological weapons upon each other. Most of these weapons did a great job of killing humans, but a few mutated and swapped DNA with others and before you know it, people stopped dying and started mutating. Nobody got superpowers or anything like that, but these mutant humans were pretty much immune to most diseases, including those biological weapons. In addition, no two humans looked exactly alike. That guy might have blue skin and two left arms while some other dude might have four working legs and three eyes. Everybody looked strange and different and none of them were very happy with the folks who had caused it.

So they killed every last “normal” human and they started society anew. With no racial or ethnic or political barriers (since all of that stuff was deemed “old ways”), the new societies got along remarkably well. Now, five generations later, there is pretty much peace on earth and good will towards everyone. If you’ve got to have a World War, it’s nice to have one with a happy ending.

The Ferret Groomers Weekly News

…full of action packed grooming news

365 People, Places & Things #161

The Alphabet: T

T is for TAMMY THE TIGER

Tammy the Tiger is the heroine of a series of beloved children’s books on CatEarth. Accompanied by her best friends, Mittens and Lynx, she gets into all manner of exciting and humorous situations. Each story ends with Tammy solving the big mystery and saving the day, often to the chagrin of the police, who are headed by her father, Commissioner Tom Tiger. In some stories, Tammy is teamed up with her pet human, Hilda. She then spends most of the book getting Hilda out of trouble.

There are 67 books in the series so far and 15 of them have been made into movies both live action and animated. In 1977, a Tammy the Tiger television series premiered and ran until 1988. In 1995, Cora Catora, the author who started the series in 1951, admitted that she often got high on catnip before writing because “it stimulated my creativity”.

365 People, Places & Things #162

The Alphabet: U

U is for UNCLE UMBO’S DEATHSONG

In all of the magic based realities, there are few spells as powerful and feared as Uncle Umbo’s Deathsong. The curses of dying wizards are always terrible things, but this deathsong makes them look weak by comparison.

Uncle Umbo was the Archwizard of the Civilized West when the Northern Hordes and the Southern Mystics launched a two pronged attack. The war was terrible to behold and was well into it’s second year when a large force of Horde warriors and Mystic enchanters attacked the city of Vooleezontar. That city being the home of the Wizards Fellowship, it put Uncle Umbo right into the thick of things. As the enemy drew close to his home tower, he fought them off with every spell he knew.

But then the Archwizard took a solid hit from an enchanted arrow. Knowing that he was dying, Uncle Umbo stood up and began to sing. The song was one of curses on the enemy and aid to his countrymen. It went on for several minutes and magical energy crackled around Uncle Umbo. The moment he finished it, he collapsed dead and a great shockwave of magical energy rushed out in an ever expanding circle. As the wave of magical energy hit the enemy, they exploded or burst into flames or melted. Uncle Umbo’s countrymen were instantly healed of their wounds and filled with renewed vigor. Before it stopped, the spell affected all enemies and friends within a 200 mile radius. A few minutes later, it rained chocolate drops for a full minute. Uncle Umbo had always enjoyed chocolate drops.

Since it’s first use, the spell has only been used four times. One of those uses is the reason why the world no longer has dragons, but does have anthropomorphic chickens. Use of the spell is discouraged by the Wizard’s Fellowship, even though it is only ever used as a last resort.

The Incredible Adventures Of Doctor Tempest And The City On The Moon

…from the August, 1903 issue

365 People, Places & Things #159

The Alphabet: R

R is for ROBOTIC RAIDERS

The Robotic Raiders were a race of sentient robot pirates who landed on Earth in 1978 and proceeded to rob and pillage for about a week before beaming back up to their spacecraft with their booty. They then blasted a skull and crossbones onto the surface of the moon and left our solar system.

The booty the Robotic Raiders took with them was primarily made up of beef cattle, green garden hoses, most of the Chairman Mao jackets in China, blackberry wine and guys weighing over 450 pounds from all over the world.

365 People, Places & Things #160

The Alphabet: S

S is for SKLORKS

The Sklork is a chicken sized flightless bird that lives on the Plains of Brimora and in the Forests of Adrunin, both located in the western half of the main continent of Earth 8. Sklorks have three interesting features: They are immune to all magic, they seem to repel the undead and they lay the best tasting eggs in the world.

Most Sklorks have reddish to brown feathers and black crests on their heads. Their legs are longer than a chicken’s and they are very fast. They travel about in flocks of up to 100 individuals and make a noise that gives them their name…”Sklork Sklork”. Despite looking stupid, they are actually one of the smartest birds.

Sklorks cannot be domesticated, so Sklork egg hunters get top dollar for the eggs they collect.

Even If It’s What You Think, It’s NOT What You Think

…they didn’t think so

365 People, Places & Things #158

The Alphabet: Q

Q is for QUIET PODOWSKI

Arthur “Quiet” Podowski was a much feared hit man for the organized crime syndicate Evil United. He got his nickname after an injury in his teens rendered him incapable of speaking in more than a whisper.

Podowski was a killer who hated using the same method over and over, so he varied his technique as much as possible. He might beat somebody to death with a golf club today, then poison his next hit with a rare plant extract, then do a third job using the ever popular 9 mm pistol. Quiet took great pride in his creativity.

Physically, Quiet was pretty average: 5′ 9”, 168 pounds, brown hair with a thin spot on top, brown eyes, unremarkable face. His only identifying mark was a scar across his throat, which is why he almost always wore a shirt and necktie.

Outside of his creativity at homicide, Podowski was of normal intelligence. In the end, he was not smart enough to outwit Detective X, the masked crimefighter. After letting Quiet think he had killed him in an explosion, Detective X tracked him back to Evil United HQ, where Quiet and at least 15 other criminals died in a shootout with police.

Fastest Nun In The West

…Sister Mary Roadrunner

365 People, Places & Things #157

The Alphabet: P

P is for PIDWIN

Back about 100 years before the Seven Kingdoms came to be, there were a multitude of smaller kingdoms occupying the same area. Almost all of them were poor and most would have been larger if it had not been for the fighting between the various family members who ran them. Nobody wanted to join up with anyone else because that would depose somebody from their throne and that just wasn’t going to happen.

And so it was with the three Pidwinese kingdoms of West Pidwin, East Pidwin and the barely larger Pidwin that was smack in the middle. Each country was ruled by one of three brothers and they hated each other. Each tried his best to depose, conquer or kill his rivals, but they were just too evenly matched.

It should be noted that each of these small countries was quite underpopulated, due to two of the brothers taking large numbers of people with them when they founded Wast and East Pidwin. It’s hard to raise much of an army when you need every person just to produce enough food and trade goods to get by.

The situation changed when a large gold vein was found in Pidwin. In short order, King Stendor was able to hire mercenaries to attack West Pidwin, which was ruled by his older brother, King Botrigar. The entire war lasted three days and ended with Botrigar dead and Stendor making plans to invade East Pidwin. A couple of weeks later, just before he launched his attack, a message came from his younger brother King Altanor. It told him that if he wanted East Pidwin, he could have it and that Altanor was leaving the country. Sure enough, when his army marched into East Pidwin, it was his for the taking without a sword being drawn or a drop of blood spilled.

King Stendor ruled Pidwin for the next 28 years. The gold mines eventually played out, but by then the population had grown enough to make the country one of the most prosperous around. As a ruler, Stendor was a bit harsh and decadent, but nobody dared to oppose him. After a time, Pidwin began sending troops to other countries, helping them with their own sibling rivalries in exchange for goods or cold hard cash.

Upon King Stendor’s death from a heart attack at age 61, his son, Prince Orvost, became king and ruled for another 35 years. He would have ruled longer, but his cousin Princess Honeydew, daughter of King Altanor, attacked Pidwin with a small fleet of skyships and killed him. In just over a month, the country of Pidwin was gone, replaced by East Pidwin.

As to where Princess Honeydew came from and how she came to have a fleet of skyships, well, that’s another story.

Mr. Porkwaffle Had Suspicions About The Lady With The Tattoo

…and they were well founded, by golly

365 People, Places & Things #155

The Alphabet: N

N is for NANOIDS

Nanoids are any humanoid appearing artificial lifeform made up of nanites (cellular sized or smaller nanotech devices) which usually function the same way that the various cells of the human body do.

In many realities, nanoids are merely the next evolutionary stage of robots and are not allowed to develop true sentience or form any sort of mental interface with their fellow nanoids. Any communication between nanoids must go through a Mother Unit, which can filter out any nonessential data.

One great advantage of nanoids is that they can alter their shape to fit the needs of their current task. For example, a babysitter nanoid who had to keep a close eye on her charges might sprout a few extra eyes and enlarged ears, the better to track the little darlings antics.

There are realities where nanoids have either been given sentience or have achieved in in other ways. Sometimes this results in conflict, such as on the Axis controlled Earth 11, where a British scientist managed to sneak part of a sentience code in which was later completed by a Jewish scientist hiding out in India. The nanoids, who the Nazis and other Axis powers treated like slaves, all turned on their masters on May 19th, 2040. The next day, the Axis world government was a thing of the past. Now, in 2056, you could not pay a human to disrespect a nanoid. All nanoids have full rights and they work alongside humans in all walks of life.

Another nanoid conflict reality was Earth 46, where the nanoids started waging war on the humans, who they consider an inferior and ecologically dangerous species. The war has been raging for 7 years now and it’s hard to say who is winning. The nanoids are tougher, but the humans outnumber them about 2,000 to 1.

Finally, on Luna 12 (the Earth is uninhabitable to humans in this reality), the nanoids were given sentience early on and sent to Earth to try to find a cure for the human killing superflu that drove most humans offworld. The nanoids rather like being on their own on Earth, so after 40 years now, they are still telling the humans that they cannot find a cure, even though they found one three years after they arrived.

365 People, Places & Things #156

The Alphabet: O

O is for ORGASM GAS

Orgasm gas was developed by the archvillain Seductra for use in her various robberies and battles with the forces of good. As you might imagine, one goof whiff of orgasm gas and the victim would be incapacitated for several minutes. Mind you, the actual orgasm only lasted a few seconds, but after that you just laid where you’d fallen and smiled all goofy like.

In one attack, Seductra gassed the President’s State of the Union address pretty heavily, thus bringing much of the federal government to a halt. After that, the superheroes (and most ordinary folks) barely had the heart to hate her.

As with most villains, Seductra was undone by her own weapon. A lucky plasma bolt from Nuclear Girl caused the gas canister to explode in Seductra’s face. A multiorgasmic woman by nature, Seductra spent the next 7 weeks going off like a fireworks factory. When she finally stopped, she had lost 43 pounds and was locked up in prison. To this day, she still goes off on a 15-30 minute orgasm-a-thon every few weeks.

Clams On The Run

…wait, what?

365 People, Places & Things #154

The Alphabet: M

M is for MARS

The planet Mars exists in most of the realities we will be dealing with here. The notable exceptions are the two realities where Mars was destroyed by a massive cometary impact, the one where Mars was stolen by the Gfgrgngk as their worldship passed through our solar system and the one where Mars vanished on August 2, 1753 and was replace a few days later by another Earth. Except for those instances, Mars is the same as in our reality. Except for…

The seven realities where Mars retained a thin, but life supporting atmosphere and has varying types of worldwide ecosystems. On one, most of the planet is covered by a forest of short evergreen trees and tough grasses. Many lifeforms live there, all adapted to a cold, but not frigid climate. On another, the planet has many ruined cities which cover hundreds of square miles. Outside of the cities, most of the planet is grassland.

The three realities where Mars has native Martian populations living either aboveground in domes or underground in vast cities. In all these cases, the Martian atmosphere is no better than in our reality, but there is still an ecology based mostly around lichens and mosses..

The reality where Mars is home to billions of robots of various sizes who seem to be terraforming it for a species that is decidedly non-human.

There are, of course, many realities where humans have gone to Mars. In some, they have even terraformed it. The technological level of these realities range from steampunk to 1930′s to space age to nanotech age. In a few of these realities, humans discovered that Mars had once been inhabited. Sometimes, this discovery did not bode well for the humans.

The Wicked Sisterhood Has Plans For You

…and you probably won’t like them.

365 People, Places & Things #153

The Alphabet: L

L is for LONG CATS

On Earth 33, there is a very strange species of domesticated feline known as the Long Cat (Felis octopedus. These strange creatures very closely resemble ordinary housecats, but are over four feet long and have eight legs, which are short like those of the Munchkin breed. Long Cats have longer and larger ears than most domesticated cats and have the rex style of coat. The fur is always longitudinally striped and black or dark reddish brown over a much lighter color. This striping gives them a “racy” look, which is fitting because Long Cats are very fast.

Long Cats are also excellent climbers who, unlike regular cats, can climb down as easily as they climb up. What Long Cats cannot do well is jump, due to their extreme length and multiple legs. They are, however, even more likely to land on their feet than a normal cat.

Long Cats are different from all other feline species in being true omnivores. It is not uncommon to find them eating fruit in a tree or chowing down on greens in the garden. In fact, a Long Cat fed only a typical high protein cat food will develop health problems.

Long Cats do not breed as often as other cats, nor do they have as large a litter size. A typical litter seldom numbers more than four kittens, with two or three being more common. Additionally, the kittens stay with the mother and father (yes, Long Cats stay paired up after mating) for as long as a year. They do not reach sexual maturity until their second year.

As companions, Long Cats are more like dogs than house cats. They are pretty easy to obedience train and seem to enjoy learning and performing tricks. One thing to note is that Long Cat excrement tends to be way stinkier than ordinary cat feces. Fortunately, they can be trained to use a doggy door and do their business outside

Finally, Long Cats are also pretty long lived, with the oldest on record being a British pet named Olivia who lived to be 31 years old. In the wild, the lifespan would be closer to 12 years.

The Ten Blue Budgies VS Mrs. Wangdoodle’s Cats On Potawango Island

…where they were trampled by a herd of Fluffy Tailed Elephants

365 People, Places & Things #152

The Alphabet: K

K is for KING’S MAZE

King’s Maze is a huge maze covering an area of 100 square miles and located in central Gradonia, just east of the Flowering Hills. It was created during the reign of King Drondek the Third, perhaps the most paranoid in a long line of paranoid rulers. Convinced that his enemies, who included the imaginary “Sky Women”, were out to kill and/or eat him, Drondek ordered the area surrounding his castle to be cleared and a huge maze created. This all took place just after his 22nd birthday.

The maze was a marvel of engineering, magic and cunning design. The “walls” are made of everything from dense vegetation to solid stone walls to deep ravines to what appears to be eternal fire. The whole place was full of deadly traps, dangerous creatures and at least three Forest Troll communities. It wass impossible to fly over or tunnel under. The exact way in or out changed every third day. There was only one entrance, on the south side near the village of Hurdenmart.

The maze was finally finished two days after King Drondek celebrated his 77th birthday. The king was deliriously happy and danced about singing “I’m safe, I’m safe!” before retiring for the night.

The next day, his half eaten body was found in his bed.

The castle and maze were abandoned within days of Drondek’s death. That was 298 years ago and much of the magic that protected the place has faded away. You can fly over it now and a skyship line out of Hurdenmart does daily excursion flights. For the more adventurous, guided trips to the castle itself are available. These typically take five days, round trip and meals are provided.