CSIsland

…it’s CSI meets Hawaii Five-O

TWO 365 posts tonight, kids, cos I won’t have time to do another until Xmas day afternoon.

365 People, Places & Things #129

Today, our Pulp Era Woman is the power behind a criminal throne.
Pulp Era Women: Eva LaSalle

Eva Mills was the fifth of seven children born to Jefferson and Vandy Mills, dirt poor sharecroppers in southern Mississippi. Eva hated her life on the farm and ran away from home at age 12. After several weeks on the road, during which she suffered many abuses and injuries, she met up with Mama Lily. Mama Lily was an old black woman who lived deep in the woods. Folks said she was a witch…and folks was right! She took Eva in and trained her in the ways of magic. Living in Mama Lily’s little shack in the woods wasn’t much better than living on her parent’s farm, but Eva did like her lessons. It didn’t take long for her to figure out that she could use magic to move up in life someday.

That day came just after Eva’s 18th birthday, when she said goodbye to Mama Lily and headed off to the big city. Now grown into a beautiful and smart young woman, Eva started putting her plan to work. First, she met and seduced Gordon LaSalle, an up and coming young criminal in the black underworld of St. Louis. She ensured Gordon’s undying love with regular doses of a love potion, while removing his enemies with either spells or an army of alley cats lead by her own familiar, Midnight.

Eventually, Gordon became the undisputed king of crime in St. Louis. Eva let’s him run his businesses (both criminal and legal) with some guidance from her, but she has also enslaved several of his underlings to run a few secret operations of her own.

Lately, Eva has grown bored with St. Louis and has cast her eye towards New York in general and Harlem in particular. She is still trying to decide if she wants to take Gordon with her when she makes the move.

In her spare time, Eva enjoys jazz, champagne, the movies and being wealthy & powerful.

365 People, Places & Things #130

A geeky female scientist…but that doesn’t mean she’s not dangerous
Pulp Era Women: Theodora Pogg

Theodora (“Dora” to her very few friends) is a Weird Scientist whose specialty is creating chemical weapons based upon plant and animal extracts, glandular secretions, etc. Most of the time, she creates poisons that stun, blind, or paralyze the target. She tends to shy away from making lethal compounds, although she is certainly capable of it. She usually sells her weapons to the highest bidder.
Like most nutjob scientists, she has a secret laboratory. In her case, it is in an abandoned subway station that she can access via a secret door in her basement. It is quite roomy and has all of the latest equipment, plus plenty of room for the animals and plants she needs for her research.
Recently, Dora has been working on a serum that will mix the DNA of plants and animals. Actually, she has succeeded in creating it, but doesn’t realize it because she has a split personality and “Teddy”, her dark side, is keeping it a secret from her. Teddy has plans for world conquest using her “plantanimals”. Dora would be horrified by this, since it will involve a whole lot of killing. Teddy has thought about possibly locking Dora in some secure mental prison, but doesn’t do it because Dora can be useful.

Theodora is 40 years old, 6 feet tall, rather skinny and plain featured with mousy brown hair. She habitually wears drab pants and blouses under her lab coat. She doesn’t go out much and hasn’t been on a date since college.

In her spare time, Dora enjoys music, reading adventure stories and working in her greenhouse.
In her spare time, Teddy enjoys plotting the conquest of the world, hiring minions (especially well muscled young men) and investigating the cost of cosmetic surgery.

Published in: on December 23, 2010 at 10:01 pm  Leave a Comment  
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The Dirty Secrets Of Rabbi Bob

…who was NOT a rabbi, but WAS mostly jewish

Retro 365 week starts today, Gentle Readers!

365 People, Places & Things #128

This week, our theme is Pulp Era Women and our first tough skirt is a high flying two fisted adventurer.

Pulp Era Women: Daisy O’Donnell

Daisy’s dad, Will O’Donnell, was a WWI flying ace and he taught his only child everything he knows about flying airplanes. Nowadays (1933), the two of them (with help from Daisy’s mom, Erin, and her mechanic uncle, Sean) run “Lucky Ace Aviation” out of Austin, Texas.

Daisy takes jobs flying passengers and freight anywhere in the world. She has also been known to hire herself out for more “interesting” jobs…jobs where the risks are as high as the potential rewards. When she takes these jobs, she is usually accompanied by her co-pilot/boyfriend Charlie “Cowboy” Haggard and her best friend and mechanic, Deb Dugan.

Daisy has quite a few planes at her disposal, so she usually chooses the best one for the job. She also has quite a selection of guns to choose from, being a Texas gal and all.

In her spare time, Daisy likes drinking, dancing, shooting the breeze with other pilots and “turning Charlie every which way but loose”

Published in: on December 22, 2010 at 10:00 pm  Comments (152)  
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Handsome Joe And The Mystery In The Garden

…a children’s book title

Finally, we come to the end of two weeks of Average Joes and retro 365 posts. Starting tomorrow: All new stuff with Alt. Rocks Week.

365 People, Places & Things #91

Our last Joe is just keepin’ it clean.

Average Joes: Joe Bosley, Street Sweeper

Like I was saying, this is a hell of a town for garbage in the streets. Last week, it was the Brotherhood of Airshippers parade and them boys was partying hard up in those zeppelins. Lemme tell ya, when a full beer can hits the street after a 3,000 foot fall, it blows up real good. There’s parts of town that are gonna smell of beer for a month.

Then, a couple of weeks before that, it was the National Mad Scientists convention. Damn, them scientists sure can party…when they aren’t trying to kill each other. The city will be patching up from that for months. I’m not sure what the hell they’ll do about them walkin’ trees in Central Park.

Of course, even that big blowout was nothing compared to the Martian Werewolf Invasion of 1996. Man, we racked up the overtime cleaning up after that. Heck, I even found enough Martian bits & pieces to sell on eBay for big bucks. Can you imagine somebody payin’ 500 large for one of them Martian helmets?

A week from this comin’ Thursday is the big GeekCon sci-fi convention. First time it’ll be held in the Big Apple since 1975. From what I’ve heard on the Street Sweeper websites, it’s gonna make the Brotherhood of Evil Bastards convention look like a quilting bee.

Published in: on November 16, 2010 at 10:19 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Our Friend, The Squid

…number 12 in a series

365 People, Places & Things #89

Well now, what would a bunch of Joes be without at least one from an alternate history setting?

Average Joes: Joe Standing Elk, Fishing Guide

Oh yes, my family has been fishing the Thames and it’s tributaries since about 1320…not long after we conquered Britain. Of course, some of my grandfathers (the Cherokees on my mother’s side) went on to fight the war in Austria, where they eventually settled. In fact, I have an Austrian cousin who works on a reservation near Rome. He tries his best to keep the white people healthy and sober, but it’s an uphill battle.

Speaking of Rome, or Italy, there’s some great fishing up in the north country. Of course, with all that coastline, you’d better believe the saltwater angling is incredible. I know some guys who run boats out of Venice, in case you’re interested.

The Homeland? Well sir, that’s where you’ll find the best fishing anywhere. Northern or southern continent, it doesn’t matter, they’re both full of great rivers, streams and lakes that are just packed with fish. I go over a couple of times a year. I’ll show you a few photos of some of the whoppers I caught once we’re done here.

Now let me show you this sweet new rod & reel we just got in. It’ll be great for fishing up in the Lochs.

365 People, Places & Things #90

Ask any cab driver and they’ll tell you they’ve seen it all. Well, this average Joe has seen it all and then some. 

Average Joes: Joe Kolchak, Cab Driver

I’m tellin’ ya, Eddie, ya see some friggin’ strange shit on the late shift. The other night, I get commandeered by this FBI agent who tells me to follow some guy who’s on foot…and the guy outruns us! No, I ain’t been smokin’ crack, ya wiseass. I’m tellin’ ya, this mook was hittin’ 60-70 miles an hour and jumpin’ over oncoming cars!

And then there was last Thursday, when I pick up this chick who got into my hack with blond hair, a really big rack and blue eyes…but when she gets out, she has gray eyes, short black punky hair and hardly any tits! Yeah, I know, most dames would have gone from flat & punk to blond and glamorous, but in the space of 20 minutes in the backseat of a cab?

Just last night, I’m heading up 57th street towards the Carlton Hotel and this guy hails me. I pull over and he gets in and tells me to get him to the Zoo and step on it. Says he’ll tip me big. Anyway, I hit the gas and we’re on our way. Yeah yeah, I know the Zoo is closed at night, but I’m thinkin’ this guy might be livin’ nearby in one of them fancy townhouses. Anyhow, this guy is in the back, moanin’ kinda quiet like and every so often he has like a spasm or some shit. By the time we reach the Zoo, he jumps outta the cab and tosses me a handful of twenties. By the time I look up to thank him, all I see is a big shape leapin’ over that 8 foot high fence they got around the place.

I swear, some nights I wonder if I ain’t drivin’ in the Twilight Zone.

Published in: on November 15, 2010 at 10:29 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Confessions Of A Sedum Collector

…gardening humor

365 People, Places & Things #88

This time, we’ve got a Steampunk Joe.

Average Joes: Joe Babbage, Steambus Driver

Yep, sonny, I’ve been running this old girl from the Bay Bridge to Daly City for the better part of 17 years now and you’ll not find a more reliable Steambus in all of the Bay Area! Why, even when they were installing the new zeppelin port, I kept this bus on time! Clockwork cabbies? Ha! I’ve seen them and I wasn’t impressed. No, the bus is still your best bet.

The TransBay Tunnel? Yep, I’ve been through it. Didn’t care for it much…too dark for my taste. Still, I’ve got to admit that it is fast and a wonder of modern technology and such. Wouldn’t want to run that route though, because I like the fresh air and sunshine too much.

Oh, hey, look there! That would be that new steam giant they’ve been talking about. Boy, he must stand 75 feet tall if he’s an inch. They say old Professor Goffmann built it to go exploring in remote mountainous areas around the world. Imagine that.

Here we are, folks, Daly City Terminal. Connections here to the zeppelin port, the train station and the new freeway to Los Angeles. Have a nice day and thank you for taking the Steambus.

Published in: on November 13, 2010 at 11:19 am  Leave a Comment  
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The Adventures Of Rabbit-Man

…Rabbit-Man, Rabbit-Man, does whatever a rabbit can!

Hey, y’all, it’s FRIDAY and to celebrate, here are TWO Average Joes! Man, I really spoil you kids.

365 People, Places & Things #86

Long ago, in a galaxy far far away, there was…Joe.

Average Joes: Joe Lucas, Droid Repairman

Man, that is one banged up K5 unit you’ve got there. What happened to him? Did a Wookie play kickball with him? Yeah, sure, I’ll fix him up. You want the new 6.2 software upgrade while I’m at it? It’ll make the unit much less prone to freezing up during moments of stress.

That? Why, lady, that there is a genuine Corellian P9X “Watchdroid”. See, the Corellian pirates use those little guys to keep an eye out for Imperial types of folks. One of the Emperor’s flunkies comes within visual contact range and the droid sends a message with image to his master, who then either clears out or…arranges a welcome. Don’t see many of the P9X models anymore though. They’ve mostly been replaced by the new P12Z models.

Protocol droids? Oh, man, I hate working on them. They never shut up! Worse, if you shut off their speech function, you get false readings on most of your tests, so you have to let them keep yapping. I’d rather work on Sewer Droids.

365 People, Places & Things #87

Look, up in the sky, it’s…ooh, look…foot long hot dogs for only a buck! Err, umm…with great power comes great…hunger…is that bratwurst I smell?

Average Joes: Joe Nathan, Hot Dog Cart Operator

The Food Network? Yer kiddin’, right? Yer not? Oh wow, wait’ll Muriel hears about this! Is Alton Brown around here? Boy, I’d sure like to meet him!

My regulars? Oh, I get lots of the heroes, ya know. They stop by for a quick bite. Of course, I get some of the villains, too, but I don’t discriminate. Even bad guys need to eat, right?

What do they like? Well, Spidey, he likes a brat with mustard and relish. How the hell he can eat while hanging upside down, I’ll never know. Batman? He’s a chili dog kinda guy…likes cheese and jalapeños on ‘em…usually stops by early in the morning in that hotrod of his…great tipper, too.

For Wolverine, I stock these habanero dogs. Man, he can put away 5 or 6 of them. Me, I’d have heartburn for a month. Now, Sue Storm, she’s just a plain old mustard dog kind of gal, but Reed, he likes his Chicago style.

The Joker? Well, he likes the foot longs with lotsa kraut and maple syrup. Yeah, I know, but hey, if he can choke it down…

Published in: on November 12, 2010 at 9:50 am  Leave a Comment  
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All Kids Know About The Toe Eating Monster

…who lives under beds

365 People, Places & Things #85

Yeah, Joe was average…the kind of average that a smart guy could use…the kind of average that could give a private dick an edge when it came to dealing with tough mugs and hot dames

Average Joes: Joe Hinkley, Barber

Me? Hey, I’m just the guy who gives shaves and haircuts. Yeah, I might hear sometin’ interesting now and then…sometimes some interesting mugs come in. Sell information? Me? Now whatever gave you that idea?

What’s this? A picture of President Jackson? Hey, he’s one of my favorites! I’ll just put him in a place of honor here in my wallet.

So, you say some guy got a hot lead escort to the next life, eh? Up at Griffith Park? Hmmm…seems to me I might have heard a couple of fellas talking about having been up there on the night in question. One of them may have been a large gentleman of Italian ancestry who has a scar on one cheek and walks with a limp. The other guy might have been a weaselly looking little bastard who needs to learn how to tip properly.

Tony the Gimp and Eddie the Mouse? Never heard of ‘em? But if I had, I might guess that they tend to spend most nights down at the Bluebird Club on Sepulveda. I hear that it’s a fine establishment that a smart guy might enter through the back door if he wanted to avoid being spotted.

There now, all trimmed up and you look like a million bucks. Another picture of Mr. Jackson? Why, thank you, sir!

Published in: on November 11, 2010 at 9:13 pm  Comments (74)  
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Doc Tempest vs The Rain Of Madness

…from the May, 1951 issue

365 People, Places & Things #84

Arrr, this Joe be a right popular feller among the pirates!

Average Joes: Joe Brown, Tavernkeeper

Here ya go, matey, fresh off the boat from Jamaica today. That there rum’ll put a wind in yer sails fer sure! Just got inta port, eh? Well, ye came at a good time, I reckon.

Oh yeah, it be a tad quiet in here now, but I expect that ’round noon the ships’ll drop anchor and the Council O’ Captains will start their monthly meetin’ over on the Red Lady. That be Captain Irina’s ship, an’ right now she’s the High Captain. They’ll talk on all sortsa matters, includin’ what to do about th’ upcoming alliance between the Spanish and the French.

Ye’ve not heard o’ that? Well, them two countries has gone and decided ta send a small armada out here ta teach us honest pirates a lesson or two. Now normally, that would be a very bad stretch of weather, but I’m hearin’ that the Council has a little surprise fer them French & Spanish dogs. Not sure exactly what it is, but they’ve been sendin’ shiploads of supplies over ta Angelfish Island where that perfesser fella and his mates done set up shop a few years ago. Could have somethin’ to do with them strange tales people been spreadin’ about seein’ lights in th’ sky at night. Whatever ’tis, I’m bettin’ it catches that little armada by surprise.

Anyway, once the Council meetin’ ends, things around here’ll get hoppin’ or I’ll kiss a barnacle!

Published in: on November 10, 2010 at 10:30 am  Leave a Comment  
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The Rare And Beautiful And Huggable Giant Yellow Bunnies Of Potawango Island

…I’m gonna hug ‘em and squeeze ‘em, George.

HAPPY 14th ANNIVERSARY TO MY SWEET ANGEL, GRACE! I love you, baby!

And now…

365 People, Places & Things #83

Yippie Ky Ay, Joe’s in the Wild West!

Average Joes: Joe Chang, Bathhouse Proprietor

Yes, yes…you’ve come to the right place for a bath, sir. For only 50 cents, we’ll fix you up a nice hot bath and give you a bar of fancy French milled soap. Very nice! For slightly more, we can give you the extra soft towels, too. A beautiful young lady to share the bath? I’m sorry, sir, but that is beyond our meager offerings. Still, I would suggest that after your bath you visit Miss Becky’s Sporting House, just 3 door down from us.

Yes, sir, I’ve been here quite a number of years. My lack of accent? Well, that comes from being raised right here in Virginia City, by a missionary couple. My parents came here with them as servants after their mission in China was cut short. Unfortunately, my parents died of a fever when I was but a year old. Reverend Harris and his wife raised me as their son.

A drink? Oh, by all means, sir! Here we go, a fine bourbon that a former customer had shipped in from Kentucky. Join you? Why, thank you, sir. Aah, very nice.

That tub on the wall? That’s the tub that the Sunset Kid was in when he was gunned down by Frisco Jim Delaney. Oh, yes sir, it was an exciting night here in Virginia City. It all started when the Kid was over at the Silver Dollar Saloon…

Published in: on November 9, 2010 at 9:51 am  Leave a Comment  
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Atomic Pants

…really!

365 People, Places & Things #82

Today, Joe gets Tooned

Average Joes: Joe Konk, Security Guard

Uhh, yeah, I’m the only security guard here at the ACME factory. It’s rough work, but what else am I gonna do? I’m not good lookin’ like Mickey Mouse or smart like Bugs Bunny.

Besides, I recover pretty quickly from all of the assaults by thieving toons. Why, I’ve been konked with baseball bats, hit in the face with frying pans, had pianos dropped on my head, run through a pasta machine, shot by 27 kinds of gun, blown up, made to watch daytime television, eaten by a tiger, covered with cement, squished into a number 303 can, pounded into the ground by a huge mallet, chomped by a crocodile, inflated like a balloon, steamrollered flat, stomped on by elephants and painted pink. And that was just this week!

Published in: on November 8, 2010 at 11:41 pm  Leave a Comment  
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