The Rare And Beautiful Drunken Red Llama Of Potawango Island

…they get hammered by eating fermented melons

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The Doclopedia #1,355

The Alphabet: Gardener Dome, Mars “C”

C is for: Charlie 3

Charlie 3 is main transport bus in Gardener dome. His route is often just around town, but can go out into the farming areas if needed.

Charlie has a polite personality and is a bit of a gossip. There are people who ride him just to hear the latest juicy news. He is also a big fan of both marsball and Terran cricket, and has been known to get into some pretty good arguments.

Charlie 3 is a 32 foot long electric hoverbus. His colors are red and green. When he gets his next physical and AI upgrades, his name will be Charlie 4.


One Loud Fart Away From Getting Shot

…increase pucker factor to 11!


The Doclopedia #1,354

The Alphabet: Gardener Dome, Mars “B”

B is for: Barb Pham

Barb is a technician at the Gardener Dome’s life support plant. Her primary job is running the water purification plant, but she also does a once a week shift at atmosphere storage.

Barb is well known in the dome for biking around with her dog, Dennis. Every weekend they are out and about, often going all the way around the dome’s 30 mile circumference.

Barb is a single, 38 year old woman of Vietnamese/Chinese/Norwegian ancestry. She is a Mars native.

Not In This Issue: Red Worms, Morris Dancing, Poodles And Austin, Texas

…sorry, Austin. Stay weird.


The Doclopedia #1,353

The Alphabet: Gardener Dome, Mars “A”

Gardener Dome is a town on Mars 1-Q in the year 2070. It has 1,500 inhabitants. This series of Doclopedia entries will list 27 of them, alphabetically.

A is for Alwin Santiago

Alwin is a chicken farmer and the Treasurer of Gardener Dome’s town council. He and his wife Diandra have four children, all of whom help in raising the 3,000 chickens on their farm. While the primary purpose of the farm is egg production, the older hens are eventually processed and sold for eating as stewing hens.

Alwin is a 40 year old man of English & Hispanic heritage. He was born on Mars. He stands 6′ 10” tall and has brown hair and brown eyes.

Grouchy Jackdaws Teased My Meadowlark

…until he was forced to pull a gun on them


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The Doclopedia #1,352

Strange Bandanas: The Donald Duck One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

It looks like a simple white bandana with pictures of Donald Duck on it, but oh my friends, it is not. When I put this bandana, which was originally found in an ancient temple of duck worship, I gain all the powers of the Duck God.

I am impervious to getting wet, I can swim and dive, I can charm most humans with my cuteness and, of course, I can fly. In addition to all of that, I can speak with ducks and, if need be, summon an army of them to fight with me.

I seldom wear this bandana, because with great power…well, you know.

The Tenderly Romantic, But Also Rather Sappy, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Sausage Factory

…co-starring her neighbor, Mister Dinwiddy

The Doclopedia #1,351

Strange Bandanas: The Blue Tiger Striped One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

While the Blue Tiger Striped bandana has no strange powers, I did get it by a rather strange turn of events. I was in Macon, Georgia, in 1982, on business that we need not elaborate upon, when a young lady came running toward me screaming that the two rather tough looking men behind her were trying to kill her. As they got closer, I saw that they had an inhuman look to them, so I grabbed her hand and we ran away as fast as we could.

The two big goons were gaining on us when I pulled her into an alley. Telling her to hide behind a dumpster, I whipped off the bandana I had been wearing and put on another that allowed me to affect gravity in a small area. As the goons turned into the alley and advanced upon me, I switched gravity off under them.

I let them rise about 150 feet, then tripled gravity in the same spot. They hit the ground hard. I could hear bones breaking. They were still and unmoving, so I had the young woman come out of hiding. When I asked her what the hell those two were, she told me they were Orcs, hired to track her down and kill her by her cousin, who desired the throne of her kingdom. She explained that her world was in another reality and she had used a spell to get to our world. It seemed the Orcs had managed to get through the portal just before it closed.

She said the portal would reopen in a few hours, so I offered to buy her lunch. She was very charming company and was thrilled to eat her first hambuger. During lunch, she told me that her cousin would try to kill her again and that she could do little against her cousin, who was protected from all forms of magic and guarded by deadly Orc mercenaries. I asked her if the Orcs were very fast and how close could she get to her cousin. She said the Orcs were not really fast and she could get to within 30 feet of her cousin. I told her I might be able to help her.

For the next four hours, I showed her how to use a .357 magnum pistol that I just happened to have for personal protection. She was a quick learner and a good shot. When she left, she kissed me and gave me the bandana, which to this day smells like her.

It was many years later that my family and I took the Bus to her world (Earth 499-C) and heard the tale of how Princess Savimila claimed her throne and dispatched her evil cousin and four Orcs with a “Thunder Wand”. I never did find out if she ever used the extra 24 rounds I gave her.

Chapter 883: In Which Our Hero, Heartbroken And Drunk, Still Manages To Con Three Frenchmen Out Of 1,000 Francs.

…of course, the Frenchies were drunk, too.


The Doclopedia #1,350

Strange Bandanas: The Hawaiian Print One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

Oddly enough, I got this lovely tropical print bandana in Hawaii, on Maui. It was sold to me by a roadside vendor who told me it would bring me good luck if I was near the sea. Boy, was she right! Two days later, on the beach near Hilo (on the Big Island), I found a 100 dollar bill! Since then, I have worn the bandana many times when I was near the sea.

Near San Diego, I stopped my car to look at some passing whales just before a 35 car pile up that I would have been in the middle of.

While at the beach in San Francisco, I found a guitar buried in the sand. Turned out to have belonged to Jerry Garcia, who lost it 20 years earlier. He rewarded me nicely.

At the beach in Oregon, I narrowly missed being struck by lightning!

And at a remote beach in Japan, I saw just the top of Godzilla’s head and his eyes break the surface. He looked around and then submerged. I left and took the first flight home.

The Incredible Adventures Of The Fabulous Four

…starring Daisy, Sasha, Luke & Silky


The Doclopedia #1,349

Girls Just Wanna Have Guns: Lady Patience Stanton

Name: Patience Amanda Catherine Stanton
Age: 31
Profession: Monster Hunter

Her Guns: .45 caliber pistols, sawed off shotgun, stake firing airgun

Lady Patience has been hunting monsters since she was 16 years old, the same year the infamous Werewolf of York killed her sister and her fiance. Since then, she has dispatched vampires, demons, mummies, revivified corpses, even more lycanthropes and the odd witch. She is exceptionally good at what she does.

The ammunition that she uses varies depending upon the creature she is hunting. For werewolves, silver is always useful. For mummies, she uses a low powered round that ignites on contact with the air. For vampires, she uses small stakes blessed by the pope himself. Of course, for some monsters, the traditional lead slug works very well indeed.