I’ll Kick The Vampire While You Pimpslap The Lich

…that plan was ill concieved

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The Doclopedia #2,075

Rocking The Steampunk: The Astounding Particle Man

Nobody knows the true identity of the Particle Man, nor do they know what sort of mad experiment caused his body to become a mass of sand grain sized particles. What we do know is that he was first sighted in Bilbao, Spain, on September 1, 1891, where he robbed three banks in one day. He was impervious to police bullets because they just passed right through him. He had accomplices waiting outside the banks to take the money and drive off in steam carriages while he held off the law. Once they were gone, he would simply slide down a storm drain like so much sand.

The Particle Man became more daring and insane as the weeks went by, robbing, assaulting and killing with impunity. The police tried everything to stop him, but nothing worked. Then the inventor Professor Cruz created a powerful wind machine that he thought might work. A trap was laid for the Particle Man in Valencia.

On the afternoon of May 3, 1892, Particle Man appeared on a long pier to steal diamonds that had been announced in the newspapers as arriving from Africa. Cruz activated his “Wind Cannons” and Particle Man was blasted into a cloud of particles and thrown high into the air, where winds from the north dispersed him even more and blew him out to sea. He was never seen or heard from again.

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The Doclopedia #2,076

Rocking The Steampunk: The Spiders From Mars

When the Martian Invasion came in 1889, the main focus was on stopping the Tripods. But up in Scotland, they had to deal with the Spiders from Mars.

These creatures were the size of a rhinoceros and could move much faster than a running man. They could lay down webbing as they ran, thus both slowing pursuit and trapping a meal. The bite of the Spiders was not venomous, but could do terrible damage. Fortunately, they were not impervious to ordinary weapons, a fact that the Scots took full advantage of.

Using everything from cannons to rifles to fire and swords, it only took the people of Scotland six weeks to kill an estimated 7,000 Spiders. Most of the Spiders were burned, but a few of the bodies were preserved for scientific study. You can see one of them in the museum at the University of Edinburgh.

Bucky & Squint Dig A Hole To China

…actually, they only got 40 feet down
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The Doclopedia #2,073

Rocking The Steampunk: Mr. Roboto

In June of 1898, the mad genius Dr. Okamatsu released his giant steam powered robot upon Japan.

Known as “Mr. Roboto”, it first appeared outside Osaka, destroying everything in it’s path. 80 feet tall and armed with a wide variety of weapons, nothing could stand in it’s way. Painted to have the smiling face of a Kabuki actor, Mr. Roboto terrified everyone who saw it.

For two weeks, it made it’s way toward Tokyo, until in early July it was finally stopped by a team of daring heroes known as the Five Ghosts. After they defeated it, they disappeared until two years later when they returned to battle the Sea Dragon.

When Mr. Roboto was being dismantled, the body of Dr. Okamatsu was found inside it, in a small control room.

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The Doclopedia #2,074

Rocking The Steampunk: Feel Good Inc.

Using the guise of a health resort and spa, this organization actually used drugs administered during sexual activity to mind control powerful and influential Americans, particularly those from the large East Coast cities.

Operating out of an estate on Long Island, Feel Good Inc. was a project of the Wicked Sisters, the all female gang of criminal masterminds headed by Andromeda Andropuolis. Men and women who went to the spa would be seduced by the good looking young staff, at which point an oil containing rare plant extracts would be rubbed on them. This would put the victim in a state of mind that made them highly suggestable. In this way, they were made to do everything from give away large amounts of money to revealing business or governmental secrets.

Fortunately, the plot was eventually exposed by Sherlock Holmes, although the Wicked Sisters thenselves got away.

Ghost Biscuits

…they smell great

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The Doclopedia #2,071

Rocking The Steampunk: Roland The Headless Automaton Gunner

During the First World War (1885-1889) the first Combat Automatons were built and sent out to the battlefield. At first, they proved to be far less reliable than human soldiers, but all sides soon improved the technology.

America got the first Type 3 units into the war in early 1887 and they proved to be both reliable and deadly. They turned the tide of the war until the French and Germans got their new versions working. Later, the British Mk III units helped slow the Franco-German addvance, but that just created a year long stalemate.

In the fall of 1888, the Americans brought the Type 4-C automatons into the mix and they chenged things fast. They were larger, averaging 7.5 feet tall, and they had the latest machine guns and ammunition.

Largest and best of the 4-Cs was Roland 5. He was actually a prototype for the new Type 5 and he had a bevy of improvements, including the ability to keep functioning without a head, something that stopped other Combat Automatons cold.

Roland lost his head in his first week on the frontline, but that didn’t slow him down a bit. He blasted a hole in the enemy lines, then while more troops came through behind him, he raised hell behind enemy lines. He was terrifying to behold. Five months later, the Germans & French surrendered.

Roland served in several smaller wars before he was finally damaged beyond repair. Now, you can see him in the National Museum of Military History in Boston.

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The Doclopedia #2,072

Rocking The Steampunk: The Rocket Man Suit

This suit, created by one R. Dwight, an eccentric inventor from London, is both a wonder and a puzzle.

While it is indeed a truly effective flight suit powered by a battery of mini-rockets, it is also garishly colored in pink and purple. It is capable of speeds up to 200 kilometers per hour, but decorated with silver stars and glitter. The helmet is just outrageous and the goggles are, well, the less said about them, the better.

Still, the Royal Society of Inventors awarded Mr. Dwight a Second Place Prize at the 1896 show.

Not In This Issue: Marsupials, Chocolate Cake and Cucumbers

…the cucumbers are in the garden

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The Doclopedia #2,069

Rocking The Steampunk: HMS Iron Butterfly

The HMS Iron Butterfly is the flagship of the Imperial British Air Fleet. It measures 300 meters long and has a crew of 120. It flies at a cruising speed of 85 miles per hour, but can reach 100 mph if the need arises. The ship is armed with an assortment of bombs, the latest steam cannons, an American designed lightning gun and machine guns. The Iron Butterfly is capable of staying aloft for up to 3 weeks when fully stocked with food and water.

Thanks to Professor Bindle-Thorne’s new process, the Iron Buttefly is filled not with explosive hydrogen, but with safe helium. It is also powered by Mr. MacAdam’s revolutionary electric motors, which the Empire hope to use in other aircraft.

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The Doclopedia #2,070

Rocking The Steampunk: Purple Haze Gas

On September 9^th, 1882, the noted criminal mastermind, Dr. Miguelito Lovelock, released his “purple haze gas” upon the unsuspecting populace of Denver, Colorado. This was done to facilitate his robbing of the Denver Gold Repository. Although he was caught mere hours later via the heroic efforts of Doctor Andrew Tempest, the damage he did to the populce of the city will linger for years.

The gas caused those affected to enter a state of mind which made thembehave drunkenly and without inhibitions. Everything seemed wonderful and there was no thought of the social proprieties. It is not proper for this reporter to mention the things he saw people doing, but rest assured it covered the gamut of human behavior.

The Juney Tuney Moony Looney Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And How She Stopped A Bank Robbery

…co-starring her pet newt, Griselda

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The Doclopedia #2,067

Ask Me About My…: Purple Time Pants

They were invented on Earth 207-G by some wackjob. Yes, they are purple, and yes, they will transport you back in time. 38 minutes back in time, assuming that don’t electrocute you or burst into flames.

Really, I just bought then to add to our collection of time travel devices. The Amazing Time Travel Top Hat is a lot more stylish and won’t fry your private parts.

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The Doclopedia #2,068

Ask Me About My…: Alien Abduction

First of all, I’ve never actually been abducted by aliens. Nobody has. Aliens who visit our planet, and there are very few due to Galactic Edict #4,999,734, almost always go to meet with the NHT. Really, we humans are primitive savages. Well, YOU humans are. My wife and I and a couple of others are rated somewhat higher.

The closest I’ve ever come to being abducted was when my old friend Flermips invited me to go see some Azkomor dringg racing on the spur of the moment. Aside from that, nothing abduction-like going on.

Orangutans Who Drive Sports Cars Cannot Be Trusted

…I mean, how could they afford it?

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The Doclopedia #2,065

Ask Me About My…: Tooning Fork

Simply put, a tooning fork turns an ordinary thing, living or not, into a toonis version of itself. Personally, I think it’s funny as hell, but certain people in my family with whom I sleep and took a marriage vow, do not. For that reason, it stays locked in a drawer on the Bus.

By the way, I got the tooning fork from Daffy Duck over on ToonEarth 981-Z. It cost me 20 bucks.

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The Doclopedia #2,066

Ask Me About My…: Dangerous Childhood Stunts

Oh, let’s just list a few, shall we?

Rode down a hill on an ancient hay wagon that self destructed.

Rolled down the very same hill inside a big truck tire with two of my friends. I have never since been as dizzy or sick to my stomach.

Rode various crappy old bikes on dangerous pothole filled roads, often downhill at great speed.

Climbed up rocky outcroppings in an area that was thick with rattlesnakes.

Launched a friend around 200 feet into the air in a giant kite.

Attempted to build a submarine in a large pond. Fortunately, we never finished it.

Rode a zipline that started on one side of our house at about 50 feet high, went all the wau over the house, across our driveway and big front yard and ended about 5 feet off the ground under an oak tree. MY DAD & UNCLE BUILT IT FOR US KIDS! They also took it down quickly after my aunt & mom came home from town and saw a kid fly over the driveway they had just driven into.

I Was A Cornfield Scarecrow For The FBI

…so fuck you, crows!

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The Doclopedia #2,063

Ask Me About My…: Favorite Chronological Anomaly

Since we are talking about an anomaly in historical chronology, not a spacio-temporal anomaly, my favorite is probably is the one on Earth 2-D where radio was discovered in 1875 instead of 1886 and Marconi building the first transmitters and recievers at age 15 in 1889 instead of 1895 at age 21.

AM Radio broadcasting started in 1900, not 1920, and it changed the world in more ways than it did here. Broadcasts from the frontlines of WWI, along with radio communication between the troops and command, made the war deadlier but also shortened it. Radio broadcasts also caused Theodore Roosevelt to not only become more popular and get more done, it got him another term as president, from 1909 to 1913.

Every discovery and invention based off radio got a 5 to 10 year advance. As a result, Earth 2-D has a somewhat different timeline from us.

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The Doclopedia #2,064

Ask Me About My…: Mutated Spleen

Back in 2014, I got exposed to some powerful mutagenic chemicals in Sasha’s laboratory, then got hit with Q radiation. Within minutes, my spleen began to show signs of mutation, so I jumped into a Med Unit and had it removed. It continued to live and mutate, eventually looking something like a cross between a skinless pig with tentacles and a platter of raw liver. We decided to call it Porky.

Porky is still around, six years later. He’s about as intelligent as a regular dog. Most of the time, you can find him in the greenhouse, where he keeps the mouse population down by eating them.