…9 years old!
CritterCon 10
Day Four
Today was a day full of great roadside coolness and even cooler gaming on the bus! This probably explains why about most of our happy crew are sound asleep at 11:00 at night. Truth be told, I’m running on empty myself, so I’m gonna skip my usual rambling and just get to the good parts.
(Sasha: I’m the only critter awake, so it falls to me to do our commentary.)
Luke’s Birthday
Today was our boy’s 9th birthday as well as his one year anniversary with us. My present to him was to take him back to 1952 to have lunch with several big movie stars, including Cary Grant, Fred Astaire and Rosalind Russell. He had a great time.
(Sasha: He could not stop talking about it. Love ya, big brother.)
The Mutant Chicken Museum
This small museum is out in the farmland east of San Diego and has a collection of about 100 mutant chickens caused by a former chicken farmer feeding his flock mineral grit illegally taken from a nuclear test site in the 1950’s.
(Sasha: Hmmm.)
The place is small and not well air conditioned, but it’s only $2.00 to get in and these are some damned strange looking cluckers, folks. I’ll also note here that the young fellow who now owns the place, while being nice, is more than a bit creepy sounding when discussing his “chick chicks”. Oh, and these chickens are stuffed and mounted, the last one having died in 1965.
(Sasha: He was very creepy and he smelled of chicken feathers.)
There are two headed hens, a rooster with four wings, another rooster that was 3 times the size of a normal White Leghorn, a hen with extra long legs and many other mutants of the atomic age. Mr. Creepy (real name: Devin) also told stories about legends of mutants that escaped and ran off into the desert. Among these was the chicken that weighed 60 pounds, stood 3 feet tall and had an alligator like mouth full of teeth. He even finish with the classic line “and some folks think it’s still out there”. Excellent!
(Sasha: Humans. Sometimes I just can’t even.)
Creatures of the Desert!
Not to be confused with Monsters of the Desert! over in Arizona, this is a bunch of giant sized statues of normal creatures. It’s about a mile out in the desert and it’s free to visit. The scorpion you see as you drive in is very lifelike and about the size of an SUV. There’s a rattlesnake, desert tortoise,
assorted lizards, a roadrunner and about a dozen other creatures. Every one of them is made out of metal by several artists who live on the premises. A pretty impressive collection. Great t-shirts, too.
(Sasha: I was impressed. Of course, I could probably whip up a real giant scorpion in my lab.)
Our Lord, the Giant Jesus Christ of the Desert
(Sasha: Here we go, folks.)
Yep, that’s what the sign says when you turn off and drive just shy of two miles into the desert to see the big mack daddy of Giant Sons of God. No actual fee to go see it from the parking area, but if you want to go inside the 12 foot tall razor wire topped fence to get up close and personal, the church that runs the place, God’s Divine Ministries, asks for at least a $7.50 “love donation”. They also state that only“True Christians” will be allowed to pay another minimum of $5.00 per person to ascend into the viewing room in Jesus’s head.
Fortunately, I prepared all of us with ID that proved we were members of the First Baptist Church of God in Roscoe, Alabama, R. Cross, Reverend. I also
had Sasha whip up a fat roll of Benjamins that would totally disintegrate in about 12 hours. Thus armed, we went to see the statue.
(Sasha: Dad also gave everyone universal translators set with the proper Christian redneck accent. It was all I could do to keep from laughing.)
Once I donated a cool five large, we were escorted in by our own personal tour guide, Sister Amanda. I reckon she was about 18 and still full of the dewy eyed religious fervor that would begin crumbling once she went off to college and faced the real world. She gave us a quick tour of the compound, then took us to the feet of Big J himself.
My friends, if you enjoy collecting visits to Giant Jesus statues, or really any Giant Statue, you must know how I felt standing there. It was, by far, the best looking statue I have seen yet. 350 feet tall, excellent detailing, well painted and maintained…oh my, it was breathtaking. I can only imagine how a non-atheist would feel.
(Sasha: It is a hella nice statue, folks. A lot of work and the money of many deluded humans went into building it.)
After taking 74 pictures and 15 minutes of video, I was ready to lead my flock to the head of Jesus. I donated five more c notes and we all piled into the elevator and went up.
(Sasha: I REALLY wish I could see the faces of the guys that run that place when a cool grand just disintegrates about 1:00 am.)
The view is great and, since I figured it would be the thing to do, I lead the group, Amanda and about 15 other visitors in a prayer. I really pulled out all the stops and was glad that several of my traveling companions concealed their smiles and chuckling by yelling “Praise Jesus!” and stuff. Gabriel was especially great when he started yelling that he could hear again out of his right ear and his right arm had full movement. A couple of folks not in our group swooned.
(Sasha: Once again, I’ll say that the world should be damned glad that Daddy is not some money grubbing televangelist.)
After the praying, we all looked out the windows and man, you an see a long way. Not that there’s much to see in that part of the desert, but there it was.
We spent near 45 minutes admiring the view and taking pictures and stuff, then bought about $300 in tchotchkes down in the gift shop before we left, praising Big J all the way. All in all, it was an incredible experience.
(Sasha: Well, it was for Daddy.)
On the D. Cross Giant Jesus Rating Scale, this Giant Jesus rated as follows.
Size: 10! 350 feet tall!
Climbability: 10! Elevator, baby!
Appearance: 10! Extremely lifelike looking and in primo shape.
Pose: 10! He’s standing with his hands on his hips and smiling AND looking down at you, not up at the sky or off into the distance.
Religiosity: 10! Hell, maybe a 12, if my scale went that high. There’s a whole religion strip mall in that compound.
I…I need a minute, folks. I’m verklempt.
(Sasha: Oh, Daddy, you big old nut.)
CAR WARS NIGHT!
Okay, although this was the fist full of cherries on the banana split of our day, I’m fading fast, so here are the basics of our Car Wars races on the new holodeck.
The Teams: 7 humans, 7 NHT? A natural pairing! Drivers listed first, gunners second.
Me & Roxy
Daisy & Grace
Avis & Max
Sasha & Ginie
Spike & Luke
Silky & Mary
Gabriel & Leon
The Races (all cross country, 50 miles long)
1: London, abandoned by the living, full of slow living dead. We raced from various points on the map to other points, finishing at Trafalgar Square.
2: Straight up run along I-5 between Sacramento and Stockton. Debris all over, the odd minefield (clearly marked) and automatic guns firing at random.
3: A Potterverse version of Yellowstone park. All of our weaponry was magic based, plus we had wands. There were many creatures, too, including a North American Yellow Tailed Dragon.
The Weapons
We all drove identical mid sized SUVs with forward mounted machine guns, side mounted machine guns, rear facing flame throwers, spike droppers, oil slick spreader and one roof mounted rocket. Our armor was Medium.
The Winners
1: Spike & Luke, by about 30 feet and just before Sasha & Ginie shot off their two remaining tires.
2: Me & Roxy, because everybody else hit mines. Mind you, we had no doors or hood or windshield.
3: A tie! Avis & Max and Sasha & Grace. Everyone in those two cars were hella up on their spells and driving. Plus the dragon took out my car, Gabriel’s car and about half of Spike’s car.
A totally fun night! And now, I’m off to bed. More blogstuff tomorrow.
Destination Sign When We Started: Stately Wayne Manor
Destination Sign When We Stopped: Cimmeria
QM Radio Station: Elven Swing
