Mr. Porkwaffle Creates Art

…quite by accident

 

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

 

As a gift to all you mothers out there, here are TWO Doclopedia entries!

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,340

Enchanted Household Items: Recliner Of Astral Travel


You remember how Doctor Strange can cause his astral form to leave his physical body and move around all over, including through solid objects? Well, this enchanted recliner will let you do the same thing. Just recline it all the way back, say the magical phrase that triggers it and you are out of your body and into the astral plane. You can fly around at ridiculously high speeds and pass through any solid object that is not enchanted against astral beings.

Please remember that if you stay on the astral plane for more than a couple of hours, returning to your body might be a bit difficult. You should also be aware that there are many creatures that live on the astral plane that would enjoy killing you and eating you. Try to avoid them.

 

The Doclopedia #1,341

Enchanted Household Items: Toilet Plunger Of Energy Draining

If you are being attacked, grab this plunger and press it against your attacker! Each time you do that, it will steal 25% of his/her energy. After 4 attacks, they fall down exhausted and will sleep at least 2 hours.

The plunger is only half as effective on the undead, but twice as effective on energy based creatures and robotic lifeforms. Effectiveness versus aliens is all over the map, so be careful.

Can also be used to unclog a toilet.

Support this blog on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/DocCross

 

 

Spanky The Wonder Squirrel

…don’t ask how he got his nickname.

 

Support this blog on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/DocCross

 

A Note From Your Humble Narrator

 

As you might have noticed, posts to this blog have been rather scarce these last couple of months. That’s because my shitty day job, for which I have to wake up at 4 in the morning to be at work by 6 for, has really been grinding me down. I have hardly any energy to do the more important things in life, let alone write.

I will try to increase my blogging output, but I can’t promise anything. Anyway, thank you all for your patience.

 

Doc

 

The Doclopedia #1,339

Enchanted Household Items: Doormat Of Truth


Any intelligent creature that stands on this doormat will tell the truth as long as they remain on it. This works for any intelligent creature, including aliens and the undead. Better yet, they will not even think that they shouldn’t be telling you the truth. It will just seen like the proper thing to do.

This item looks like an ordinary doormat made from recycled tire rubber. It says “Welcome” and has a butterfly and a canary painted on it. It shows very little wear.

 

The Only A Couple Of Days Late, But Still Pretty Darned Exciting, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Expired Jar Of Gefilte Fish

…c0-starring her good buddy, Eddie Smulwich

 

Sasha's Bad Day, Part 5 
 

I crawl along the face of the cliff at a pretty good friendly neighborhood Spider-Man clip, which is easy when you have four tentacles and four short little basset hound legs. In no time, I’m a couple of miles away and I see a little mesa with really steep sides off in the distance. Looks like a good place to spend the night.

Now I’m swinging through the trees, well above the reach of any dinosaur. Unfortunately, the forest gives way to about a quarter mile of meadow before I can even start up the sides of the mesa. Not good, because clearings are prime hunting grounds. The ceratopsins and other grazers down below don’t seem to care, but I’m not heavily armored, fast on my feet or part of a herd. I’m gonna need to haul some serious ass and hope my strange appearance confuses any predators.

After a couple of deep breaths, I’m down from the tree and running toward the mesa.



 

 

 

The Way Too Damned Late, But Still Touchingly Sweet, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Lazy Blogger

…co-starring her pet slug, Booger

Sasha's Bad Day, Part 4

It only takes me a couple of minutes to find a nice little 
ledge to sit on while I consider my situation. I got tossed 
into this world when a plasma state circuit on our 
dimensional flux stabilizer shorted out. Bang, a trans-quantum 
tear opened, I got sucked through and next think you know I'm 
trying not to be part of the carnosaur buffet. The question 
now is what to do until help arrives.

See, like everyone in my family, I have a locator beacon inside my brain. It’s about the size of a pea and will allow the Magic Bus find us if this sort of thing happens. The problem is, the multiverse is humongous and the bus has to search through a bunch of realities just to find me. So I could be here awhile. A couple of days, maybe. I’m thinking I need to find a good dinosaur proof shelter, then build a fire. After that, I’ll need food, because all that running has stirred up my appetite.

Demon With A Glass Ham

…that doesn’t seem right

Support this blog on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/DocCross

Sasha's Bad Day, Part 3


After about 15 minutes of thinking nice thoughts about working in my lab or garage back 
home, Otto, my symbiotic ottopus, wakes up enough so that my brain can link with his and 
I can use his four free tentacles as my manipulative limbs. The raptors are still prowling 
around outside, so my only safe way out of this tunnel seems to be a cliffside crawl. 
Fortunately, my tentacles end in 6 smaller tentacle “fingers”, so climbing is very easy on 
anything short of smooth glass.

A quick look shows me that the cliff is rough enough for easy climbing, so I'm out the hole 
and 30 feet down the cliff before the raptors realize I'm gone. Now I just need to find a 
relatively safe place to stop and think.



The Doclopedia #1,338

Interesting Fish: The Giant Flying Fish


The Giant Flying Fish is a magically created version of the common member of the family 
Exocoetidae. Unlike it's smaller cousins, who average about 18 inches long and 2 pounds,  
the giant version can be up to 6 feet long and weigh 20 pounds. They can glide above the 
surface of the ocean for an average of 300 meters, but if the wind is right they may go twice 
that far.

The Giant Flying Fish cannot steer his gliding like the smaller versions do, so the glide path 
is always a straight line at speeds up to 20 miles an hour. Fishermen have been seriously 
injured by collisions with Giant Flying Fish.

Nobody knows why some wizard made these fish so huge, but the fact that they are delicious 
might have something to do with it.





Zany Skinks Pestered My Jerboa

…and they weren’t very funny

Sasha's Bad Day, Part 2


The carnivores on my ass are some sort of large raptor and only the thick vegetation and 
my short stature have kept them from catching me. Just as the vegetation thins dangerously, 
I see a small crack between two big boulders and dive into it. It goes back about 8 feet, and 
is too small for the raptors to get into, although they are trying their damndest.

Sadly, the other end of the crack opens out into thin air and a good 200 foot drop to a river 
that I'm sure is full of things that would scarf me down in a heartbeat.  I try thinking good 
thoughts to wake up Otto. I REALLY need my tentacles.

Big Turtles

…like, house sized big

Sorry for not posting anything sooner, but I’ve had distractions and been sick. Not a huge post today, but it is the first part of a story about my Mad Scientist dog, Sasha. I’m writing each part in exactly 5 minutes and will post a new piece every couple of days or so.

PS: Once I completely beat this cold, I’ll resume posting Doclopedia entries.

Sasha’s Bad Day

My name is Sasha Jane Cross and I’m a dog. A basset hound, to be exact. I’m 8 years old, in excellent physical shape and I’m the most intelligent sentient being on the planet Earth. No, really, I am, because I’m STUCK IN THE GODDAMN EARLY CRETACEOUS PERIOD!

For those of you who are not scientists, that means I’m 130 million years in the past from 2017. It also means I’m running like my ass is on fire with an unconscious octopus symbiont on my back, trying not to get eaten by pursuing dinosaurs.

My day has utterly gone to shit.