Doc & Spike Go To GenCon

…and they might have gotten a few games


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The Doclopedia #1,305

How Did You Get That Scar?: The Redneck

New York Times? You come all the way down here to hear the story? You Yankees must be short on interestin’ things to write about. I figured you’d be coverin’ the election. Ain’t Kennedy your boy? Anyway, you paid for it, so here y’all go.

It was Friday afternoon, two weeks ago. Me and my cousin Jessie had just come off shift over at the sawmill and we were sittin’ out on his front porch lookin’ at this little school bus that was parked up by the Baptist church. Damned thing was painted all sorts of colors, all splotchy like. Now, we’d only had a couple of beers, but I’d swear to Jesus that them colors on that bus kept moving and changing, but really slow.

Hell yeah, I know how that sounds. You don’t think everbody in town hasn’t said we was drunk or lyin’ or crazy? But I’m just sayin’ how it looked. Reverend Milford says it musta been the sun moving and causing it, but that damned bus was in shade the whole time!

So we watched that bus and drank another beer and pretty soon the door on it opens and out comes this old boy with long hair. I mean long like a girl. He’s maybe 60 or so. Had on sneakers, dungarees and a t-shirt with a picture of a dragon on it. White beard, mostly gray hair, pot belly, wearin’ glasses. Looked a little like one of them mountain men from back in my grandpa’s day.

He was walkin’ one of those short legged long eared dogs…yeah, a basset hound…but he wasn’t usin’ no leash. The dog just walked along next to him and he was talkin’ to it just like it was a person. Me and Jeff could tell by his accent that he was some sort of Yankee. We saw that the dog wasn’t lookin’ right, neither. It was fat as a pig and had a hunchback. Didn’t seem to hurt it none. It was just trottin’ right along, stoppin’ ever so often to sniff somethin’.

Well sir, when they get up close by us, me and Jeff decided to poke a little fun at ’em. Jeff said “Hey, are you a boy or a girl” to the feller and I said “Man, that there is one ugly damned dog”. The guy and dog both stop and look at us a second, then the he says to Jeff “Why don’t you suck my dick and find out, you halfwitted hillbilly”. Yeah, I know you can’t print that, but it’s what he said. Pissed Jeff off, too. I could tell there was gonna be a fight.

But before Jeff can even get up outta his chair, the old boy turns to me and says “You’d better apologize to my dog, dickhead. She’s very sensitive and might get mad and kick your ass.” Well, I just started laughin’ and Jeff come flying off that porch fittin’ to land on that long haired bastard and kick his ass.

Except that Yankee just sorta steps to his left, grabs Jeff as he’s flying by and tosses him into the side of my pickup. Knocked Jeff out cold and put a dent in my truck door. I jump up and yell hoe I’m gonna whup his ass and that’s when that dog started changin’.

Lord Jesus, I don’t ever wanna see anything like that again. That hump on her back and them rolls of fat changed color and turned into a damned OCTOPUS! Yes, I said octopus and I mean it. It had four of them arm things…yeah, tentacles…wrapped around the dogs body and the other four tentacles was grabbin’ me! Two had my arms all pulled out wide, one had my throat and the fourth arm started slappin’ me around. HARD!

I ain’t gonna lie, mister, I was scared like Satan was draggin’ me to Hell. That dog was strong, way stronger than me. And then she started in talkin’! I ain’t ashamed to say I wet myself then.

That dog said “Listen up, you fucking hairless ape! I’m a goddamned scientist and a respectable bitch and no fucking redneck loser like you is going to get away with insulting me!” Then she slaps me a half dozen more times before she lets me go. I took off runnin’ and didn’t look back.

I ran a couple of miles, until I was clean out of town. Then I just fell on the ground and shook and cried. I ain’t never been so scared. It was maybe an hour later that Jeff come walking up and tells me the old boy and his dog are gone now. Just got back on that bus and left town.

Now, Jeff wasn’t scared or nothin’, so I asked him what was up. He just said the guy had shined a light in his eyes and told him to leave the area, go get an education and lead a good life. He musta done that, because the next morning he packed everything into that old ’48 Ford of his and drove off. Me? I stayed drunk for three days. Been answerin’ peoples questions since I sobered up.

Nope, I don’t know who or what that old boy and his dog were and sir, I do not care to find out.

So there’s your story. What? Oh, this scar on my forehead? Well, seems that when I took off runnin’ and screamin’, I run smack into a tree. I don’t even remember it. Yeah, it does kinds look like a basset hound, don’t it?”

Swamp Gravy

…it’s almost yummy

The Doclopedia #1,304

Assorted Trolls: Common Forest Trolls

These are by far the most common Trolls one might encounter. Although they are usually found in forests, as the name implies, they have also been encountered in bogs, prairies, scrublands and even the fringes of deserts. They are very tough, have the best regenerative powers of all trolls and are thoroughly evil.

Forest Trolls are often found as solitary individuals, but once in a while a mated pair will go on a rampage, usually to provide fresh meat to their 2 to 6 young. As the young mature, they will go on hunts with the parents, much to the dismay of any other lifeform they meet. When the young reach about 5 months old, they leave the family group to go off on their own. The parents often part company at this time, but not always. If hunting is good, they may stick together.

In battling these wicked creatures, fire is the preferred weapon. It takes them much longer to regenerate damage done that way and damage done by magical fire cannot be healed at all. Cold spells will slow them to half speed, but won’t do any damage.


…as if regular giant voles weren’t bad enough


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The Doclopedia #1,303

Assorted Trolls: Deep Cavern Trolls

These blind and deathly white creatures live only in the very deepest of cave systems. To go any deeper would risk stumbling into Demara, the Demon World. Even barely sentient Deep Cavern Trolls know to avoid that.

Nobody knows how the common Cave Troll migrated into the Deep Dark, but they did and are now supremely adapted to living there. Though blind, their hearing and sense of smell are acute. Their spindly bodies mask astonishing speed and strength. Finally, like many other types of Troll, they regenerate lost limbs and damaged organs.

Although precious little study of the species has been done, we do know that Deep Cavern Trolls average 6 feet tall and weigh about 120 pounds. They appear to be sexless most of the time, but can in fact manifest male or female genitalia in a matter of minutes, should they meet another of their kind. No sub-adults have ever been encountered.

These Trolls eat almost anything, but prefer fresh raw meat. Fortunately, they are almost never encountered at depths of less than 2,500 feet. Conyrary to popular belief, that are not harmed by bright light. Fire does affect them, as does magic. Non-magical weapons do little damage against their tough skin.


The Clever Girl Who Set The Trap

…for three not so clever boys.


The Doclopedia #1,302

Assorted Trolls: Blue Trolls

The smallest of all Trolls, Blue Trolls are by far the most intelligent. Known to the Forest Elves as Night Trolls, they are indeed nocturnal, seldom venturing forth from their burrows during daylight hours.

Blue Trolls live in extensive burrow villages in forests. From 40 to 200 of the 4 foot tall Trolls can make up a village, which might run for several miles in a twisting turning design. There you will find shops, inns, taverns and all of the businesses you would find in a human village. You will also find very tight security. This is not meant to protect against humans or other races, but against other Trolls, who all seem to hate Blue Trolls. This hatred stems from the jealousy they feel toward their smaller, smarter and much more popular cousins.

The primary trade between Blue Trolls and other races is in the rare artifacts that the burrowers often seem to find when they go exploring ruins. Since they burrow using a spell that removes only earth and stone, anything else is left behind. It was, in fact, a Blue Troll burrowing team that found the long lost Helmet of the Iron Emperor.

Both male and female Blue Trolls average around 4 feet tall and have fairly normally proportioned bodies. Their skin is a dark blue, as is their hair. Their eyes are a lighter blue. Blue Trolls seldom have more than 2 children. The average lifespan is 90 years.

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Junior Muskrat Catches A Snake

…but not a big snake


The Doclopedia #1,301

Assorted Trolls: Red Mountain Trolls

These are the largest and most dangerous of all Trolls. They hate all other forms of Trollkind and pretty much every other humanoid race. They aren’t very big on the non-humanoid races, either.

The preferred living area for Red Mountain Trolls is the area in mountains above 3,000 feet but below the tree line, where they live in villages of up to 100 individuals. Since their society is matriarchal, females call the shots. This is a good thing because males are always less intelligent than females. On the other hand, males are larger, tougher, and pretty much go berserk in battle. Only the largest Giants and fully adult Dragons will take on a group of Red Mountain Trolls.

Roving bands of males patrol the borders of their home mountain ranges constantly. This means that any kingdom with mountains along one or more borders is pretty safe if Red Mountain Trolls live there. In fact, many such kingdoms will send tribute of foodstuffs and weapons. While this does not insure that the Trolls won’t kill anyone passing the 3,000 foot mark, it usually does mean that they won’t attack trade caravans that might come close.

Male Red Mountain Trolls stand 14 to 16 feet tall and are heavily built. They are covered with rusty red hair and have brownish red skin. Most males also have tusks.

Females of the species have brighter red hair, less ruddy skin and only stand about 10 feet tall. They are also much more eloquent in their speech and, if encountered alone, are somewhat less inclined to outright kill other, smaller humanoids.

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Two Bones For Sister Silky

…a comedy western



The Doclopedia #1,300

Strange Bandanas: The Fluorescent Pink One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

The Fluorescent Pink bandana is a fun loving social butterfly of a fellow, gay as Halloween on Polk Street and totally out of the closet. While he has no effect on me sexually, I do tend to dress much better and dance more when I wear him. I also attract the attention of women looking for a best male friend.

This bandana is possessed by the spirit of a man who lived in San Francisco from 1925 until his death in February of 1999, the same month I bought the bandana in a shop on Castro Street in that fair city. I’m sure F.P. Will not mind me saying he was a bit disappointed to be purchased by a straight guy living in the Central Valley, but he adapted nicely. I return, every year for Pride Week I loan him to my friend Ramon and they spend a week in The City living it up.

Amarillo Armadillo



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The Doclopedia #1,298

Strange Bandanas: The Desert Camo One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

At last count, I have 9 different camouflage bandanas. The Desert Camo one is the strangest of the bunch in that if I am wearing it in an actual desert, I become invisible. Pretty handy, you must admit.

While I do not spend much time in deserts, the Desert Camo bandana has let me do such things as…

Punch Erwin Rommel in the junk the night before the Siege of Tobruk.

Escape from a pissed off dinosaur

Hide from a group of Apache warriors after a misunderstanding concerning the sister of one of them.

Sneak up to a meth lab in Arizona and set it on fire.

Accidentally stumble upon a group of ladies bathing in an oasis pool.

Watch John Ford direct movies in Monument Valley.

And avoid countless attacks by wild pigs, bobcats, crazed old miners, coyotes and other dangerous desert denizens. (Note: Being invisible does NOT prevent getting bitten by rattlesnakes)

All in all, I’d have to say that this bandana is one of my favorites.



The Doclopedia #1,299

Strange Bandanas: The Green Tie Dyed One

I own hundreds of bandanas. Many of them have strange stories connected to them. Here is one…

The strangeness of this bandana is simple: it was dyed with several shades of green hemp based dye, to which some dedicated toker added plenty of THC and some magic. As a result of this, if I wear it for more than about 30 minutes, I get high as a kite. Taking it off stops the effect, but it takes about 5 minutes and then I have a terrible case of the munchies.

I never wear this bandana in public, but sometimes slip it on to watch a movie at home, surrounded by the wife, dogs and snack foods that I love.