The Hella Late, But Actually…Well, Hella Late…Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Lazyass Blogger

co-starring her pet dormouse, Marvin

The Law of Unexpected Consequences Made Manifest
So, this happened in 2012, on our way back from CatCon 4…
“Fifteen minutes later, Joe flipped switches and turned dials and we popped up in the middle of London, circa 1972. We had not been moving, so when we popped out of nowhere, it was a real crowd stopper. Joe said we had to wait 5 minutes before we could hop again, so I gave in to a mad urge. After running to one of the closets, I hurriedly threw on a rather gaudy outfit, complete with a top hat and cane. Then I left the bus, where a couple of hundred people stood looking at it in slackjawed wonder and traffic was backing up badly.
I walked up to a largish group and said “Hello, I’m the Doctor. Can any of you tell me how to get to California in 2011?” Jaws REALLY dropped then, plus three people fainted and one guy dropped his bag of groceries.
I then got on the bus and, while the Doctor Who theme played through the external speakers, we hopped. Joe informs me that we most likely created the trigger event for spinning off an alternate reality. Cool!”
As is the way of our family, we all had a good laugh and promptly forgot about it for just shy of 6 years. Then, for reasons unknown, Daisy brought it up during dinner. This pretty much piqued everyone’s curiosity, so we opened a temporal window to 3 seconds after we left.

Naturally, since history cannot be changed, the event never happened in our reality.

But in the new reality that we spun off, the shit hit the fan in damned near every way possible.

Right off the bat, there was a panicked stampede. Most folks ran like hell away from where we had been, but more than a few ran toward the spot. Some of them were cops. Two were television cameramen along with the reporter that had been doing some man in the street interview. They had caught our whole appearance in the background and immediately started interviewing people live on the air. Just like they had recorded us.

And seen by about two million Brits.

Including Her Majesty, The Queen and several people connected.

As my wife of 21.5 years said, “Holy shit, that can’t be good.”

We fast forwarded a week and found England in both a panic (everyone in government, many normal folks) and near throes of ecstasy (Whovians, geeks in general). Reports of Tardis sightings were in the thousands, along with Dalek sightings, Cybermen sightings, etc, etc. Every even slightly eccentric mode of dress would get your ass hauled in for questioning by everyone from Scotland Yard to MI6 to the NHS. Outside of England proper, things were a bit less panicky, but governments were still keeping an eye on things.

Meanwhile, Whovians from all over were pissed off that the series had been stopped so everyone the cast, crew, producers, BBC officials and the guy with the fish & chip shop ’round the corner could be grilled six ways from Sunday by government officials.

We popped forward another week and found out that somebody in Arizona had managed to get a pic of us popping in when we visited the Grand Canyon. That person got 36 very clear photos of the bus, the dogs, me taking a leak over the edge of the canyon and Avis Crane taking pix of a cactus.

If you guessed that those photos fired the giant shit cannon, you are 100% right.

You might think that two different appearances in 1972 should have spun off two different new realities, you are perfectly right to think that. You’d also be wrong.

See, for reasons that tend to put me into an eye glazed trance, like events often sort of seek each other out. Thus, these two sightings sort of hooked up into a cohesive unit in the same timeline.

Just like 9 more sightings, mostly in the USA, but also in India, Scotland, Portugal and Tokyo did. One big happy family of Doctor and/or Tardis sightings that created a Shitnado all over the world.

Then somebody noticed that, in the 3 instances that my voice was recorded, I spoke with an American accent. That pointed all eyes at the good old USA, who, let’s face it, would be the country most likely to get up to strange shit like that.

But wait, it gets even better!

People started finding photos and paintings and such of me and the bus from all over history, in like, 90 countries. Hell, they got 57 photos of me, Grace, Spike and his wife Mary, just from Woodstock alone.

Note: They didn’t question any of our duplicates on that Earth because the oldest of us, me, was only 18 and did not look anything like I do now.

By the time a year had passed, the world was pretty much freaking the fuck out, so we all figured we needed to go change their history, which is entirely possible, because it was not ours anymore.

With the Fabulous Four in human bodies, we popped the bus back to just about a minute before we first appeared. This time, however, the bus looked like a common delivery van and appeared in an alley where there were no witnesses. We all left the bus, took up strategic positions and waited.

A few seconds later, the bus appeared, everything happened as it had, but as soon as the bus was gone, there was a big puff of smoke and there we all were, me dressed as before and Grace & the dogs holding mirrors and flashing lights.

“Thank you, ladies & gents! That bit of magical trickery was courtesy of the Dr. Mysterio, Illusionist Extraordinaire! I hope you enjoyed it and I hope the Beeb doesn’t sue me!”

There was laughter and the reporter saying a series of rude words and us making our getaway and then us making a real getaway.

Needless to say, my loving wife, had more than a few words for me about how much shit I had stirred up.

That is, until Daisy pointed out to her that she had probably spun off a reality that time  in 2015 when she whipped out a wand and Stupified 5 bank robbers in New York City. At noon. On a Wednesday. Right near at least 4 security cameras.


Never Hide A Duck In Your Pants

…nobody will end up happy about it

The FINAL entry for this version of The Alphabet. Christ, that took way too long.

The Doclopedia #1,369

The Alphabet: Gardener Dome, Mars “Z”

Z is for: Zenobia N’Golo

Zenobia is an artist who specializes in depicting the neo-rural lifestyle of Gardener Dome. Although she primarily paints using acrylics, she has been known to sculpt in a variety of media. Her work can be seen all over the Dome and around Mars.

She and her husband, Mick, live in a large cottage on Hayride Street, which they share with their two children, their cat, T’Challa, and their dog, Bruce. They often host dinner parties with food prepared by Mick, since Zenobia is an admitted danger in the kitchen.

Zenobia was born in the East Central Sector of United Africa, but her family moved to Mars when she was 5. She is 5′ 7” tall and often wears bright green overalls.

Module 1-Y: The Haunted Dungeon Of The Fart Demons

…EWWWWW, demon farts!


The second to last entry for Gardener Dome…FINALLY!

The Doclopedia #1,368

The Alphabet: Gardener Dome, Mars “Y”

Y is for: Yolanda Winkleton

Yolanda is the Tourist Service Answer Woman in Gardener Dome. The dome gets several thousand tourists a year and Yolanda is ready to answer their questions and help them out.

When she is not at work, she lives on a small aquaculture farm with her husband, Benny, and her two daughters, Justine & Millie. They raise gourmet algae. In her spare time, Yolanda collects old 45 rpm records.

Yolanda is a Martian woman. She stands 6′ 11” tall and has long black hair and gray eyes.

Unhappy Curlews Annoyed My Otters

…they should cheer the hell up

The Doclopedia #1,370

The Alphabet: Gardener Dome, Mars “X”

X is for: Xakry

70 years ago, when scientists started developing Smart Animals and New Humans and other genetic creations, they accidentally created a few Mutants. Yes, just like in the comics. Humans with strange powers.

Xakry is one of those Mutants. Despite being 70 years old, he looks about 12. He dresses like any kid you might meet on Mars, but his teeth are too wide and his eyes are a swirl of colors and he sometimes flies and he can create very realistic illusions.

By interplanetary law, Xakry can go wherever he wants except for Class 3 and above Restricted Areas. He has plenty of money from a government grant, but he never spends much. He always seems to be seeing things nobody else can.

Xakry has lived in Gardener Dome for 9 years. He can often be found helping folks out with various chores.

The Really Rather Silly, But Also Strangely Erotic, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Panda Of Love

…co-starring her wacky pal, Emma Goosemeyer


I am SO sorry for not keeping this blog updated as often as I should. Life has been throwing me curves for quite a while and this has impacted damn near everything I do. I’ll try to be more regular on here.



The Doclopedia #1,369

The Alphabet: Gardener Dome, Mars “W”

W is for: Winikon Jaskerath

Wini is one of the few New Breed Humans on Mars. Created partly in a laboratory and partly in a human womb, Wini looks for all the world like an elf from Lord of the Rings. He stands 6 feet tall, is slender, you muscular and is probably the prettiest man you’ll ever meet. And yes, he has pointy ears.

As a certified Animal Translator, Wini, travels from farm to farm chatting with the livestock to make sure everything if okay and see if they have any complaints. The animals love him and so do the farmers.

In his spare time, Wini grows a variety of flowers and enjoys vegetarian cooking. He is unmarried, but does have a cat named Rodney and a dog named Periwinkle.


Rocky Road High School

…was that a Ramones song?

The Doclopedia #1,370

The Alphabet: Gardener Dome, Mars “U”

U is for: Uma Pool

Uma and her sister, Deb have a 9 story tower farm in the south area. They raise a wide variety of melons and squash, mostly for the seeds, which they sell to various other farmers planetwide. The non-seed part of what they raise is sold to hog and cattle farmers as feed.

Besides farming, the Pool sisters are widely known as musicians. With Deb on guitar and Uma on banjo, they play mostly bluegrass music. You can find them at festivals all over the Barsoom Quadrant of Mars.

Uma stands 5′ 11” tall and has short red hair. Her body is covered in tattoos of birds.



The Doclopedia #1,368

The Alphabet: Gardener Dome, Mars “V”

V is for: Venus

No, not the planet Venus, the cat Venus. She lives in the Bookzilla book store downtown. She is often found asleep either on the front counter or in the window on a big pile of Modern Martian Farmer magazines from 2107.

Venus likes humans and Smart animals, but is a bit standoffish with artificial lifeforms. He favorite snack is PetBest sardine snacks. She prefers light classical music and will yowl and meow if she hears Neo-Disco.

Venus is a 5 year old Martian Green Tabby. She weighs 25 pounds and has yellow eyes.

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The Rare and Beautiful Short Branched Itchy Tree Of Potawango Island

…do NOT climb one while you are naked


The Doclopedia #1,369

The Alphabet: Gardener Dome, Mars “T”

T is for Tatyana Lewis

Out near the Western Rim of Gardener Dome, you’ll find the T. Lewis Goose Ranch. Tatyana and her husband, Ted, raise 6 breeds of geese here. They sell eggs and meat, but also sell geese for pets. They have recently perfected a 7th breed, the Large Martian Pied, a beautiful black & white goose that stands over 5 feet tall.

The Lewis family moved to the dome from Minsk Dome 17 years ago and started raising geese a year later. Tatyana is also a well known artist, working mostly in watercolors.

Tatyana is a 3rd generation Martian. She stands 6’10”, has short gray/blond hair, brown eyes and a Barton-Kloss cyberarm on the left side. She is 47 years old. She and Ted have 4 children and 160 geese.