Everybody’s Favorite Magic Duck

…Sammy!

 

The Doclopedia #1,337

Interesting Fish: The Five Spotted Groper

This warm water ocean fish weighs in at an average of 20 pounds and measures around 3 feet long. It is usually found in water no deeper than 30 feet around tropical islands. Aside from the five white spots along both sides of the body, the fish is a dull dark green color with a few specks of lighter green on the females.

The most noticeable thing about the Five Spotted Groper, and the thing that gives it the name “groper”, are the two 16 inch long tentacles that emerge from about 3 inches behind the gills. These tentacles are primarily used to probe the sand for smaller burrowing fish or invertebrates. However, if the fish encounters a human, as they often do near resorts, it will feel them so as to check for food. This can lead to fully grown humans jetting out of the water like a missile fired from a submarine. The fish just swim off, ignoring the cursing and screaming.

Mexican Jenny It All Figured Out

…or so she thought

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The Doclopedia #1,336

It’s A Trap!: In The Old West


“How the blue eyed hell did those lawmen get the drop on us? These hills are rough as a cob and we left town a good half an hour ahead of any posse. We had fresh…get up behind that boulder, Eli…fresh horses waitin’ for us and they still got here ahead of us! How the hell did…sonofabitch, they got Luis!

God damn it, we ain’t got bullets to waste like that, Charlie! Make them shots count! Looks like Tom is dead or dyin’, Frank. I sure wish I knew how that Sheriff Owens got ahead of us. You think he might of come down the creek on a raft or somethin’, Frank? Don’t seem likely, but that creek is swollen and runnin’ fast.

Well, I say we make a run for it through the canyon. Just you, me, Eli and young Will. Luis ain’t goin’ anywhere all shot up like that. Eli, yell to Will to get ready with the horses.

What do you mean he’s not there? And he took the horses? Well shit, at least we know how the law got ahead of us.”

The Slightly Late, But Nevertheless Pretty Darned Thrilling, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Pork Chop Of Doom

…co-starring her younger brother, Half Blue Harvey

The Doclopedia #1,335

It’s A Trap!: In A Castle

I’m kicking the door open! Grindfal, get a spell ready. Rolf, follow me inside the room. Sirina, you fill anything that isn’t Rolf or I full of arrows. Sister Blueberry, a blessing might be nice.”

“Oh, Great Mother, bless our little group against the goblins we think lurk in that room.”

<sound of door being kicked open way too easily>

“SHIT! It’s trolls! Two of them! It was a trap!”

<sound of trolls hitting adventurers…adventurers hitting trolls…arrows being fired…magic missiles hitting…assorted cursing>

OW! Great Mother above, I’ve been hit by an arrow. Look out! Goblins to the right!”

“Heal yourself, then Brann, Sister! Eat Arrows of Flesh Rotting, goblin scum!”

<insert much louder sounds of fighting…cursing…screaming (mostly in goblin)…roaring>

“Quick, quick! Up the stairs! I’ll hold them off with a fireball!”

“I’ve got ye, Brann! Let’s get away while them trolls burn.”

“Blessed Mother, please heal my wounded leg, then allow your humble servant to smite those fucking goblins with a weakness of the bowels.”

<insert sounds of fireball exploding…much roaring and screaming…running up stairs>

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Burritos In The Bed

…frozen burritos!

 

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The Doclopedia #1,334

It’s A Trap!: In Space

I am having trouble mentally processing your story, FangBrother Essossk. You tell me that your ship, one of the best attack vessels in the entire fleet, was lured into a trap by one tiny Vismonti trade ship. Excuse me, it was not only your ship, but the four Hsshkiss class escorts and the Krrisskk class troop carrier that accompanied you. Lured into a very cunning trap set by the Thousand Worlds Alliance. A trap that lead to the capture of all six ships after a short battle that killed 272 FangBrothers and FangSisters. A trap that has seen the Sshaaassh Empire paying a ransom of 3.5 billion credits and signing a peace treaty with the Vismonti systems. A trap which has ultimately brought me from the warmth of Sshekkassh to this cold and dry planet, all in hopes that I could make sense of this to report back to the Empress about it. So, tell me once again how this trap unfolded.”

<several minutes pass>

So, you had every reason to believe the trade ship was hauling ulb metal and a prototype of a Mark 9 weapons system. While either of those would be more than worth taking a risk for, did it not seem strange to you that one small unguarded ship would be carrying both items so near our border? Oh, your judgment was clouded by excitement, was it? I see.

And when the ship started heading for that three moon cluster around Ranizex 5, you were too excited to wonder if there might not be Alliance ships hiding behind the moons? You just forged ahead, chasing the trade ship than you had not even tried to deep scan? My, my, you must have been very excited. Of course, when the 32 hidden ships revealed themselves, I’ll wager the excitement vanished, didn’t it?

Having given this much thought, I have decided that you and all of your officers will be transported to the Imperial Haven where you shall be killed and then served up for dinner at Her Imperial Majesty’s annual Loyalty Ball. Won’t that be exciting?”

 

Mysterious Spicy Tales Of Science Fiction Detective Horror

…they tried to cover all the bases

The Doclopedia #1,333

It’s A Trap!: In The Jungle

Okay, let’s assess the situation, shall we? That rat bastard Von Danigan told us the Temple of the Red Ape was in that last valley. He sold us a map and supplies and got us bearers. We trekked for 5 days through the hills and jungles and swamp until we got to where the map indicated, only to find not the Temple, but a damned large village of the Leopard People, who just happen to be fanatical killers of, well, everybody.

Having discovered that, we ran for our lives, barely keeping ahead of them. Sadly, it appears they have been herding us here to this clifftop where we have no place left to go except 250 feet down into that crocodile infested river. Does that about sum it up?

Yes, Miller, I can see that they’re getting closer. Yes, I’ve heard that they practice cannibalism. I’d rather not find out for sure. No, I think perhaps that you, Pickingham, M’Kenga and myself should just leap off the cliff.

Well of course we’ll probably die, Pickingham, but better to die in the fal and get eaten by crocs than let these bastards get us. Besides, that river is very deep and slow moving and we might just survive. Not sure if we should try to land on a croc or not. Probably not a good idea, but it would take a few out.

Anyway, gents, the Leopard People are within spear range, so on three! One…two…threeeeeee!”

Accurate Fart Simulation In SmartBots

a paper by Dr. Sasha Jane Cross


The Doclopedia #1,332

It’s A Trap!: In Milwaukee

What did I say, Gino? WHAT DID I SAY? I said taking this side job was a mistake. I said the G Men might be up to somethin’. I said if things went to hell we’d be fucked. AND I WAS RIGHT, WASN’T I?”

“Aw, come on, Paulie, it was supposed to be…”

“A sweet deal? All taken care of? That’s what you told me, Gino. When I was thinkin’ it was too good to be true, I asked you again and again and you said not to worry. We’ll there’s about 50 cops outside this warehouse and they’re all loaded for bear and Lucky Jake and his boys did a fast fade and I’m plenty fuckin’ worried now!”

“We still got Tony and Mikey. We can…”

“We can what, Gino? Chew a tunnel through the fuckin’ floor? Shoot it out when we have pistols, one shotgun and a few knives? Oh, wait, maybe we can just fly outta here!”

“How was I supposed to know Jake was in with the Feds? I’m sorry, Paulie, I really am. Jesus, there’s gotta be a way outta here!”

“Yeah, there’s two ways outta here. One is filled with lead and the other is goin’ the way Jake did.”

“Rattin’ out to the Feds? Christ, Big Al will have us killed.”

“Not if we talk fast and then haul ass up into Canada. I know a guy in Thunder Bay who can get us out of the country fast. He owes me.”

“But what about Tony & Mikey? They’re loyal to Big Al and they ain’t gonna turn on him.”

“Yeah, we’ll have to deal with them. Get a gun in each fist, Gino. We’re going to the other end of the warehouse to have a talk with them.”

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Not In This Issue: Raspberries, Albino Bats or Coffee Cake Recipes

…but there might be a tart recipe.

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The Doclopedia #1,331

News Of The Multiverse: Weather

Alice Springs, Australia, Earth 16-C: Nuclear tornadoes are expected to hit this town early on Thursday morning. While smaller and less intense that in previous years, it is expected that there might be as many as 16 of them. Few, if any are expected to go above F-2. Residents are advised to stay in the Deep Shelter until the storms are past and de-radiation has been done.

Blois, France, Earth 214-A: The Centre region of France will be experiencing blistering heat, snowstorms, driving rain and dense fog for the next week. This comes after an official in the regional government insulted the supervillain known as Le Maître de la Météo (The Weather Master) on television over the weekend. Appeals to the weather controlling villain fell upon deaf ears as he told the press that he would not be insulted by any pig of a politician. A large portion of the region’s population has already begun leaving the area.

Wichita, Kansas, Earth 3-J: The forcast for this week is snow. Lots of snow. Just like last week, last month, last year and the last four goddamn decades. We are nearly half a century into a new ice age caused by 100 years of global climate change, folks. This isn’t going away anytime soon. Be glad we were able to move underground. Jesus, I hate my job. Fucking snow.