The Spy Who Hugged Me

…it was a very good hug

 

The Doclopedia #1,258

The Alphabet: K is for…

Kinkajous…which took the place of cats on Earth 2-F once all the domestic housecats developed Merton’s Syndrome and died.

These Central and South American cousins to the raccoon are much longer lived and easier to domesticate in that reality. They make loving and affectionate pets and actually live a bit longer than cats did, up to 34 years. The eat an omnivorous diet and are generally healthier than cats.

Breeders of kinkajous have only come up with a few variations of the normally light brown coat. The more rusty red coat is the most common, with light gray, dark gray, black and albino being the rarest.

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The Doclopedia #1,259

The Alphabet: K is for…

The Keystone Korpse…is a Hollywood legend that states that while filming one of the Keystone Kops comedies in the 1920’s, a young man died. According to the story, he was buried quickly and Mack Sennett, the director, had the whole incident hushed up.

Some years later…the exact year varies by story…the ghost of a man in a Keystone Kops outfit appeared to several workers on a night shoot. They were scared shitless because the ghost lookeed like a rotting corpse. It made no move to attack them, but it was coming toward them fairly rapidly.

Over the decades, the Keystone Korpse, as it became known, was sighted dozens of times, most famously by Humphrey Bogart, Peter Lorre and director John Huston. The fact that all three of them had been drinking is often ignored by ghost hunters.

The Keystone Korpse was last sighted in October of 1998, by two security guards. Some experts believe that the ghost was dispelled when Parking Lot H was build in 2001, but others think the Korpse is just taking a break.

The Thirteen Things You Should Never Tell A Cat

…#1 is “You’re only a cat”

 

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The Doclopedia #1,256

The Alphabet: J is for…

Jangwo…or as the natives of Ruined Chicago call it, “fast killer cat thing”. Jangwos are cougar sized felines that can move with astounding speed and do a long leap of up to 50 feet. They can also leap 20 feet straight up with ease. The look very much like dark gray or black cougars, but they have a much longer and prehensile tail. They also have a cranial bump that contains a part of their brain that emits a signal that confuses their prey, if they are within 30 feet. The prey might stop instead of running, run in a circle or do other odd behavior just before the Jangwo takes them down. The prehensile tail is then used to hold onto the prey while claw and fang do their job.

Jangwos travel in mated pairs or sometimes trios. They only breed every third year, but can have up to 10 cubs that stay with the parents for two years. Jangwo have excellent senses and trying to sneak up on one, let alone a pair, is probably suicide.

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The Doclopedia #1,257

The Alphabet: J is for…

Jenny’s Tacos…a favorite taco shop in Los Angeles, California on Earth 3-F. Since that version of Earth is one where elves live among humans, Jenny serves up some Elven favorite tacos, like Sweetberry, Hot Salad and Melon. Most humans think veggie or fruit tacos are strange, but the elves love them and Jenny does good business.

Clown Army Neutralizer

…fuck clowns and fuck their army

 

The Doclopedia #1,254

The Alphabet: I is for…

Idiot Girl…who was, in fact, not an idiot. Samiya Bukhari was a Saudi girl born into an old fashioned and hardline Islamic family. Until she was 10 years old, life was pleasant enough, even though she sometimes chafed under the male dominated society. She knew she was at least twice as smart as all three of her brothers put together, but that meant nothing to her father.

Then, just after she turned 10, her mother grew sick and died. Her father was devastated by the loss and for no reason turned his anger toward Samiya. Her aunt, who had moved in to tend the house, did her best to shield the girl from the brunt of the abuse, but it only got worse. By the time Samiya turned 14, her father and her brothers were calling her an idiot and preparing to marry her off to a wealthy older man.

This never happened because shortly after turning 14, Samiya manifested extra-normal powers, not the least of which were a greatly increased IQ, a true photographic memory with total recall and enhanced senses. She was also, as people with powers often are, physically superior to anybody of their size and weight or even most larger people. After some of the usual shock at what she had become, Samiya began to formulate a plan.

Three days later, as her father was escorting her to meet her husband to be, she quickly calculated the best escape route. This took the form of her throwing of her outer clothing to reveal a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and sneakers that she had gathered up on a late night raid of local clotheslines, then leaping onto first the hood, then the roof of a passing car. In true superhero fashion, she then escaped by leaping from car to car until she got onto the back of a speeding truck. In no time, she was miles away.

Although her first few weeks were spent on the run and nearly clueless about the wider world, Samiya learned fast and soon had found a place to stay with a young gay man, who had been astounded when she had told him she knew he was also oppressed and that she could help him. Her reasoning and plan being rock solid, he introduced her around his neighborhood as his cousin Yasmin. Thus began a long and fruitful friendship.

By day, Samiya works at a clothing store for women and girls. At night, she puts on a red & black Spandex outfit and goes out as Idiot Girl, friend and inspiration to the downtrodden and Enemy Number One to the Saudi government. Her various actions have done everything from exposing corruption to “liberating” large sums of money to just plain kicking the asses of sexist men. Nobody can catch her because they just aren’t smart enough. Idiot Girl has also stirred up the women of her country to the point that concessions are being made to allow women and girls more rights. She is very nearly at the point where killing or imprisoning her would make her a martyr and cause way more problems than it would be worth.

Idiot Girl has also been constructing an organization of mostly women that extends far out from Saudi Arabia, as far as Europe, Asia and even the Americas. Their resources are considerable, thanks to Idiot Girl’s ability to win at everything from lotteries to stock markets. Rumor has it that she wants to see women in control of most of the world’s governments by the time she turns 40.

She’s only 19 now.

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The Doclopedia #1,255

The Alphabet: I is for…

Ink Magic…which is one of the 49 types of magic on Earth 121. It has two basic styles: tattoos and writing. Either one can create very powerful spells, although tattoos last far longer. Of course, tattoos can also sometimes develop curses, which is just no damned fun.

The study of Ink Magic is costly and takes 3 times longer to get good at than any other form of magic. Women have a harder time mastering it than men. Young folks learn faster than old folks.

 

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Milk Bullets

… from discontented cows

 

The Doclopedia #1,252

The Alphabet: H is for…

Hotel For Monsters…a Japanese anime series following the misadventures of young Hidoke as he attempts to do his job as a room service boy in a creepy old hotel that caters to all manner of monsters. His job is not made any easier by encounters with the owners two hot young daughters, both of whom are werewolves, or his nutty Uncle Moko, a monster hunter.

The series runs to 133 episodes, all of which have been dubbed into English.
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The Doclopedia #1,253

The Alphabet: H is for…

Hats…the wearing of which will get you arrested, tortured and killed in the Trofiddien Empire on Fantasy Earth 6. It seems that when he was 22 and a brand new Emperor, His Imperial Perfection Kaksor II was very nearly assassinated 5 times in 8 days by men and women wearing hats. Being a fine product of royal inbreeding, this pushed him right over into Crazyland and caused him to outlaw all hats. Over the years, he also outlawed cats, rats, bats, mats and spats because they sounded like “hats”. Nothing has changed to weaken this law, despite the current age of Kaksor II being 101.

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Patreon Backer Shoutout!

Carol Robinson, Mark A Schmidt, Loyd Blankenship and Derek Pearcy have all backed this blog. Thank you all!

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Sudden Depth Playoff

…pretty common in whales sports

 

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The Doclopedia #1,250

The Alphabet: G is for…

Gary and the Goats…premiered in September of 1975 as part of the National Broadcasting Company’s (NBC) “Comedy Tuesday” lineup. It came on at 8:30 pm, right after “Just Two Guys”.

The premise of this half hour show was that Gary Duffman (played by Gary Crosby) shared his suburban home with four goats that were actually aliens from the planet Gorton. Since the goats could only communicate with Gary via telepathy, nobody else would believe they were aliens. Between the goats, Gary’s goofy best friend Ed and the ever suspicious Mr. & Mrs. Sullivan next door, hilarity often ensued.

In fact, hilarity ensued enough that the show ran for three years, 90 episodes. It was also one of the few shows of it’s time that had a definite ending, with the goats going home to Gorton and Gary marrying his long suffering fiancee, Patty.

The Doclopedia #1,251

The Alphabet: G is for…

Gimzelfwan…also known as Gimzelfwan the Wanderer, was a Wizard of the 11th Level during the Three Centuries of Peace. A restless soul by nature, he seldom stayed in any one place for more than a year and would often vanish into the wilderlands for a decade or two, only to pop up later with tales of his travels and adventures.

Doing so much gallivanting around meant that Gimzelfwan found may strange magical artifacts, mostly from the Imperial Era, but sometimes from the Era of Living Gods. He also uncovered much new magical and historical information. He was most warmly welcomed by Wizards and Scholars alike when he would enter a city.

At the ripe old age of 333 years old, Gimzelfwan departed from the city of Hradofar with the intention of exploring the Forests of Xoon and areas east of Mount Tandovar. He was never seen again.

Naked Is NOT The Best Disguise

…especially in heavy poison oak. Trust me on this.

 

The Doclopedia #1,248

The Alphabet: F is for…

Friendly Cove…a small community that is only friendly so that they can lure in tourists they can then eat! Yep, all 200 people in the town are cannibals. Additionally, nobody in Friendly Cove is under 50 years old and almost all of them are related by blood to old Edgar Friendly, founder of the town and demon cursed cannibal.

Because Friendly Cove is way off the beaten path, only a few tourists ever end up there. Often these are young folks looking for adventure. Later, the Deegan brothers, Ollie and Dale, drop their cars, bikes or whatever off a couple hundred miles away, along with a few personal effects. So far, after 129 years of cannibalizing folks, nobody has ever come to Friendly Cove asking questions.

The Doclopedia #1,249

The Alphabet: F is for…

French Magic…that impressive and stylish looking form of spellcasting that is neither as efficient as German Magic, as straightforward as British Magic, as seemingly haphazard, yet still astoundingly effective as American Magic, as emotionally charged as Spanish Magic or as bloody dangerous as Irish Magic. Indeed, only Italian Magic ranks lower than French Magic.

But holy crap, French Magic looks great!

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A Bit Of Light Spanking, Then Some Pie

…Mmmm, pie

The Doclopedia #1,246

The Alphabet: E is for…


Elvis Clones…
really are clones of the late Elvis Presley. On Earth 2-D, Elvis lived to be 60 years old, dying May 9th, 1995 of complications from a viral infection. Years before, however, Elvis became fascinated by cloning and donated $5,000,000.00 to the University of California, San Francisco, to advance cloning technology. He also donated his own DNA, joking that maybe someday, there could be an All Elvis Band.

The first three clones were born in October of 2023 to three volunteer mothers, each of whom received $25,000.00, but did not know the babies were Elvis clones. All three babies were healthy and had no health problems beyond those that are normal. Two years later, 7 clones were born and two years after that, 5 more.

All of the babies were adopted out to people that knew the babies were Elvis clones, but were legally forbidden from talking about it. Of course, the world eventually found out in 2038 when the three oldest clones (who lived in three widely separated states) caught the eye of Elvis fans and the media. When it was announced that 15 Elvis clones were out there, it was all the news cycle covered. For about ten days. After that, a meteor strike in the Indian ocean and the resulting 150 foot tall tsunami occupied everyone’s attention.

By and large, the 15 boys grew up with way less publicity than one might expect. As of the current date, 2058, all of them are healthy adults. Three are gay, 10 are straight and 2 are transitioning to females. Although they have many different professions, none of them are musicians or actors.
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The Doclopedia #1,247

The Alphabet: E is for…

Escape From P.A. One… is the title of a true story about how Lan Tolliver, Yen Ma Wu and Kam Goodfaith escaped from Prison Asteroid One on December 10th, 2130. The story is told in a very straightforward style and Goodfaith, the author, makes no excuses for the fact that all three men were career criminals and Resistance leaders working against the New World Government. He details every bit of the planning and execution of the escape, as well as the first few days back on Earth. He includes bits of news reports and several previously thought to be top secret communiques between EarthGov and P.A. One.

The book was not published until 15 years after the escape and 5 years after the government fell and UniGov took it’s place. All proceeds went to providing health and education services to the poor. To this day (September, 2059, nobody knows where Tolliver, Wu and Goodfaith went or even if they are still alive.

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