The Yellow Blouse Of Seduction

…and other stories of powerful apparel

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,346

The Numbers: 520

520 miles was how far the chase by police and the FBI went in pursuit of Jimmy Ray Waller, noted bank robber, cop killer and general psychopath. He started his spree in Huntsville, Alabama, where Jimmy robbed two banks in rapid succession. Leaving the second bank, he shot and killed two police officers. Within 10 minutes, the chase was on, mostly through local roads and state highways. Jimmy had an accomplice, his best friend Raymond Parker, who used Google maps and a constant stream from local and national news to stay ahead of their pursuers.

Toward the end, there were 24 cars, 5 helicopters and 2 planes following Jimmy. He had managed to shoot 6 more officers, 3 fatally. He had also caused 11 crashes. Most of the chase was watched live on television and the internet by tens of millions of people.

But not the last few minutes, which were blocked by “broadcasting problems”.

The truth is, on a very lonely road in <REDACTED FOR NATIONAL SECURITY>, Jimmy, Raymond and the car vanished into what is now believed to be a “weak point in time”. The government quietly closed off that road and moved everyone to a similar road about 2 miles away, where they staged a fiery car crash, complete with two badly burned corpses. Since neither Jimmy or Raymond had ever been to a dentist, identification was solely done by the drivers of the closest cars in pursuit.

Oddly, no conspiracy theory ever evolved about this event, because near the end of it a Kardashian died out in California and that completely got everybody’s attention.

Meanwhile, the remains on Jimmy, Raymond and the car lie at the bottom of a deep canyon in the middle of a desert 105 million years ago.

The Rare And Beautiful Dripping Yellow Pine Trees Of Potawango Island

…they drip flavored water

 

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The Doclopedia #1,345

The Numbers: 200

There were 200 corpses reanimated when the Russian Government set off a new form of EMP device in 1995. The test took place in Siberia and nobody much gave a thought about that old abandoned cemetery in the woods. The EMP was a failure for what it was intended to do, but it caused the corpses, most buried between 1940 and 1970, to partly regenerate and then reanimate.

For whatever reason, the running dead, who were very strong and very fast, started heading northwest. They completely destroyed 3 villages, killing and eating most of the inhabitants. We should note that nobody killed by these “zombies” ever rose up as undead.

By the time the 200 reached a major town, the army was waiting for them. Sadly, it was not nearly enough army and the zombies only lost 11 of their group while the soldiers lost 39. The town, though mostly evacuated, lost 476 people. The zombies began to spread out in groups of 20-30.

It took another 3 months to kill the rest of the zombies, including the 5 who made it all the way to Moscow and killed 298 people and caused many more to die in the ensuing panic. Russia was cut off from the rest of the world by both United Nations decree and the collapse of the government. It stayed cut off for two years, aside from humanitarian aid. To this day, the border with China is closed and is the most heavily guarded border on earth.

The EMP device that caused all this was lost and has not yet been found, despite huge rewards offered by many governments and the UN.

Junior Muskrat Buys A Snazzy New Hat

…with a feather in it

The Doclopedia #1,344

The Numbers: 42

Carol Miller was 42 when she was exposed to a strange gas that gave her the power to turn totally invisible. Nothing can detect her on any level, including sound, smell or weight. She can go anywhere she can find an open door or other form of entrance. Her clothing turns invisible with her.

Being a wife and a mother, Carol first used her powers to check up on her husband Phil (who proved to be totally loyal to her, but who does play air guitar to rock music when alone at home) and her 3 kids (who are now convinced that there can be no secrets from mom). She also picked up some juicy gossip from her neighbors.

After a month or so of that, however, Carol began to want to do more. In short order she exposed two corrupt town council members, gave police anonymous tips to several drug dealers, saved a few adults and kids from harm and rescued a bunch of lost animals. Since she is also possessed of a mischievous nature, she has also convinced a good number of folks that the old Gruber farm on the edge of town is haunted.

Thanks to some good “anonymous” investing advice, Carol & Phil are set up for an early retirement next year when they both turn 50. They plan on touring the country, during which time Carol will do some good things invisibly while Phil is off playing golf. Among their first stops will be Washington, DC. Carol has some big plans there.

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Scornful Titmice Chastised My Otter

…not that he really gave a fuck, because otter.

The Doclopedia #1,343

The Numbers: 15

15 years is the travel time, even using a Jump 7 Drive, to Yadoris 4, the outermost world of the Terran Empire. Few ships make the trip, which was initially done by the Independent Colony Ship “Maggie’s Mob”. The crew and settlers were mostly made up of disgruntled natives of Appillion 3 and Nelvas 5. lead by the infamous radical, Maggie Merks.

Since the colonists arrived on Yadoris 4, a total of 3 fully automated supply freighters have made the run there. No other humans or other species have wanted to make the trip. It is reported that the colony is now living in three megadomes (domes more than 5, but less than 10 miles across) and doing quite well. The domes are located close to each other on the northern continent, in the vast Plains of Arl.

The Terran Empire considers the colony to be “primarily self-sufficient” and “not a threat to internal stability”.

The Very Scary, But Delightfully Goofy, Story of Mostly Purple Patty And The Cat Who Thought He Was A Rabbit

…featuring Zelda, the very confused kitty

Holy Frijoles, it’s a brand new Doclopedia entry! (Note: Patreon backers get to see the next two early. Click the link below and you can, too.)

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The Doclopedia #1,342

The Numbers: 6

The walled town of G’Tain has been attacked 6 times in the last year by rampaging herds of monstrously deformed thraks, no doubt the creation of some mad wizard up in the nearby Saraset Mountains. The Sarasets are home to many such wizards and they tend to get up to no good regularly.

These thraks are quite unlike the average riding thrak, being half again as large, covered in lumpy calcifications and filled with rage at the mere sight of the town. Oddly, they never attack the surrounding farms or homes and keep to the roads until the reach the town walls. Then, they just seem to go insane.

Each attack has been by from 20 to 36 thraks and have been fought off within an hour or so by archers, spearmen and the town mages. Thankfully, these monster thraks dissolve into nothingness upon death.

The G’Tain town council is now assembling a group of adventurers to go into the mountains and deal with whichever wizard is responsible for this.

CritterCon 10 Is Coming!

Just a heads up to y’all to let you know that the annual trip/con report for the totally fictional, yet still great fun, CritterCon 10, will be hitting this blog in August. Stay tuned for all the fun!

The “Holy Shit, We Nearly Missed Posting In June” Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Singing Echidna

…co-starring her second cousin, Clarence Philpot

 

How I Spent Christmas Eve, 2015
(A series of tweets)

Santa Claus just called and said he is gonna stop by for a quick visit. Cool!

Oh fucking swell! Santa just showed up and he’s shitfaced. I told him to just drink milk, not scotch! AIIIEEE!!! He’s pissing in the corner!

Okay, Santa has passed out and is sleeping it off on the Magic Bus. Head Elf Murray wants to know if I can fill in. Might as well. Ho ho ho!

The Girls and I are in the sleigh with about 900 elves. Grace has called Sally (Mrs. Claus), who is NOT amused with Drunk Santa.

Just FYI, Santa’s sleigh is bigger on the inside, too.

Time to go. Still an assload of toys to deliver. Sasha is amping up the hyperdrive on this thing. On Dasher, on…whoever. Let’s go!

To be fair to Santa, he’s only screwed up like this a few times over the millennia. Last time, his replacement was Winston Churchill. Still a couple of empty gin bottles rolling around here.

Kid wants parents that don’t fight all the time. Swapped out those two losers for a pair of androids. Will sell originals to an alien zoo.

Sorry, kid, but you can’t have a goddamn hippopotamus! Trust me, you’ll love the guinea pig I left you. #nohippos

Boy in African village wants more food and less war. Gave him a warehouse full of food and a half dozen Mark 9 SentryBots. Safest & best fed village in the world now.

Just gave a 10 year old girl a classic Fender Telecaster. She plugged it in and blew out the living room windows with her first chord. Was playing “Purple Haze” when we left.

This kid wants roleplaying games. Daisy and I hooked him the fuck up, baby. He’s got like, 3 pounds of dice to go with them. #geeksanta

This little girl wants power tools. Set her up better than the This Old House guys. Told her to build herself a fort.

Kid in France wants cheese. For fuck’s sake, kid, YOU LIVE IN FRANCE! Left him a box of crackers.

WOAH! This kid (age 12) is getting a Harley! It’s all disassembled, but still, Coolest. Present. Ever!

Silky was right behind Blitzen when he farted. Pretty sure her hair on that side will grow back out.

Pretty sure after tonight I’ll be crapping cookies and pissing milk.

14 year old boy just wanted “the best present ever”. Gave him two 17 year old girls. He may stop smiling before he turns 30.

Kid who was waiting up for me: “Are you Santa or just some old fart?

Me: “Yes!”

Two kids want a baby brother or sister. Zapped the parents with some sort of horniness inducing doodad Sasha has. (Note to self: Why is she carrying something like that around?)

Kid wants science toys. Sasha gave him a complete Lil’ Mad Scientist setup, complete with body parts to reanimate. Taught him the Mad Scientist Laugh, too. #madsciencerules

Poor kid only supposed to get one toy? Fuck that shit! Giving her the toys meant for a GOP Congressman’s kid. #redistributingwealth

Congressman’s kid got a lump of coal and pix of her dad accepting a bribe.

The magic dust that Santa uses to squeeze down chimneys? Turns out it makes you fart really loud. Sounds like Dueling Foghorns in here.

Wow! Some people do give their kids ponies for Xmas. How will I get them down a chimney? And who’s going to get that horse crap outta here?

Little girl in India asked for wings so she could fly. Couldn’t do that, so left her a jet pack.

Some asshole is trying to give his kid a bible for Xmas. Fuck that! I’ll give the kid the Harry Potter series AND a Dungeon Master’s Guide! And fuck it, I gave him a shitload of comics, too.

Over Russia now. Being targeted by MIGs. Sasha teleported the missiles to Putin’s summer home. Bet that won’t be on the news.

About to lose internet access here on the sleigh. Will report more later.

Dropped off last present. Everyone is cheering. Elves making plans to vacation in Australia. Silky poured me a beer.

Home now. Shaking off cookie crumbs and pine needles. Possibly a few reindeer turds, too.

I will note here that when Mrs. Claus came to pick up the much hungover Santa, she was not at all a happy woman #nomerryxmasforsanta

Time for sleep. Girls are already out like lights. Merry Christmas!

 

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Mr. Porkwaffle Creates Art

…quite by accident

 

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

 

As a gift to all you mothers out there, here are TWO Doclopedia entries!

 

 

The Doclopedia #1,340

Enchanted Household Items: Recliner Of Astral Travel

You remember how Doctor Strange can cause his astral form to leave his physical body and move around all over, including through solid objects? Well, this enchanted recliner will let you do the same thing. Just recline it all the way back, say the magical phrase that triggers it and you are out of your body and into the astral plane. You can fly around at ridiculously high speeds and pass through any solid object that is not enchanted against astral beings.

Please remember that if you stay on the astral plane for more than a couple of hours, returning to your body might be a bit difficult. You should also be aware that there are many creatures that live on the astral plane that would enjoy killing you and eating you. Try to avoid them.

 

The Doclopedia #1,341

Enchanted Household Items: Toilet Plunger Of Energy Draining

If you are being attacked, grab this plunger and press it against your attacker! Each time you do that, it will steal 25% of his/her energy. After 4 attacks, they fall down exhausted and will sleep at least 2 hours.

The plunger is only half as effective on the undead, but twice as effective on energy based creatures and robotic lifeforms. Effectiveness versus aliens is all over the map, so be careful.

Can also be used to unclog a toilet.

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