The Finger Of Doom Picks The Nose Of Curiosity

The post that was originally here was boring and written in a hurry. How about if I replace it with a Doc Fact?

Doc Fact #1: When I was about 11 or 12, I had a pet duck named Duck. If I called to him, he’d answer with a loud quack and come running. He used to hang out with our two dogs and come to the end of our driveway to meet us when the school bus dropped us off.

Eventually, Duck got a wife (Mrs. Duck) and some kids. When I started 8th grade, I gave him to some nice folks who could give him and his wife more attention. He lived a good long ducky life.


Free Range Celtic White Boy

…I wear a radio collar so Grace can track me


(This post now with RETCON! from 2017)

Hmmmm…no posts in almost a week…could it be that nothing of much importance has happened? Well, yeah. Both Grace and I have been busting our asses at work all week. My week has actually gone fairly smoothly, mostly due to the fact that my halfwitted cunt of a boss has been gone most of the week. (She later went to work someplace else, possibly at a training school for halfwitted cunts)

The garden continues to flourish and the veggie garden is off to a good start. I’ve been thinning out the rampant mass of California Poppies that threatens to crush everything else like some floral juggernaut, so things are looking nicer.  (Those poppies went apeshit that year)

This weekend will find me doing more gardening, buying a bicycle, bathing Roscoe the Wonder Dog, maybe taking a drive with my Sweet Little Celestial Parrotlet Of Cuteness so we can look at country property (with an eye towards buying some in a couple of years), possibly going to a movie and just maybe getting into some trouble:)  (Did not buy the bicycle for about 11 years. Not sure if we bathed Roscoe. REALLY wish we’d bought some country property.)

I Was So Much Older Then. I’m Younger Than That Now.

Now with commentary from 2019!


It was shopping day for Uncle Doc today. Bought a kilt from the Sport Kilt folks who were out at the Scottish Games in Woodland. Damn, this thing is COMFY…and very freeing, if ya get my drift:) (as long as a mosquito does not fly up and bite your junk) I think I’ll buy at least one more. And there will be pix soon, for you curious folks who wonder how the Great and Powerful Doc looks in a kilt:)

Also bought some gardening stuff and a couple of used CDs (The Essential Byrds and Endless Summer by the Beach Boys).

Grace bought her PDA yesterday. It’s a Palm Tungsten E. She is having fun playing with it and getting to know it. (It was the new hotness 15 years ago. Now I doubt if most folks even remember them)

Next weekend, I’m going to buy a bicycle. It’s been years since I had one and I miss riding around. (Nope, did not buy a bicycle.)

And now, a bit of kicking back before I go finish planting veggies…while wearing the kilt. THAT ought to get the neighbors talking:) (Considering how they reacted years later to taking dogs and disappearing buses and shit, I’ll bet they wish I’d go back to gardening in a kilt.)

Wake Up. Time To Die.

Ok, so tonight my Sweet Little Tahitian Blue Lory of Passion and I went to see “Kill Bill Volume 2”. Unlike many people, I shall not compare it to “the first movie” because it’s only the last half of the whole movie. I really liked it and thought the last portion (with all the talking) was at least as well done as the fight scenes. I could have told Bill that pissing a woman off that badly could only lead to having your ass handed to you. Anyway, I’ll reserve my complete opinion on KILL BILL until the inevitable day a year or so from now when the whole movie in one bigass piece is released. Until then tho, it’s a flick worth seeing.


I’ve seen others do this, so here I go…

READING: The Encyclopedia of Annuals and Perennials

WATCHING: Several episodes of “Designed To Sell”

DRINKING: Thai Iced Tea (but hot, not iced)

EATING: Leftover pizza with Tabasco Jalapeno Sauce

LISTENING: Neil Young “Harvest” alternating with Van Morrison “Moondance”

PLAYING: Empire Earth

CONTEMPLATING: Buying a kilt.

Scary Monster Popcorn

Not the most eventful weekend here at the the Cross Family Secret Hideout and Canine Thrill Park. The fuckin’ weather conspired to keep me from getting my veggies planted. It rained on Saturday and again today. Oh well, maybe I can get everything done after work this week.

Didn’t go see “Kill Bill Volume 2” as planned, but will see it this Thursday night. Our twice monthly RPG session was one player short, but we muddled thru anyway.

Our refi on the house went thru, so my Sweet Little Chocolate Covered Cherry Of Love and I will be having some $$$ to do stuff with. Stuff like go on our annual vacation to GenCon, buy some things for the house and put some money in the Emergency Fund. Grace is wanting to get a PDA to help her keep things organized and I’m thinking I’ll but a bicycle.

Well, time to sign off. More blogstuff later.

Destined To Replace The Mudshark In Local Mythology

It’s a line fram a Frank Zappa song.

And now, just to make me feel REALLY old…

You said your birthday is 1 / 29 / 1954
which means you are 50 years old and about:
37 years 3 months younger than Walter Cronkite, age 87
33 years 8 months younger than Pope John Paul II, age 83
29 years 8 months younger than George Herbert Bush, age 79
22 years 4 months younger than Barbara Walters, age 72
20 years 2 months younger than Larry King, age 70
14 years 0 months younger than Ted Koppel, age 64
10 years 7 months younger than Geraldo Rivera, age 60
7 years 7 months younger than George W. Bush, age 57
2 years 6 months younger than Jesse Ventura, age 52
1 year 9 months older than Bill Gates, age 48
6 years 7 months older than Cal Ripken Jr., age 43
12 years 5 months older than Mike Tyson, age 37
16 years 6 months older than Jennifer Lopez, age 33
21 years 11 months older than Tiger Woods, age 28
28 years 5 months older than Prince William, age 21

and that you were:
47 years old at the time of the 9-11 attack on America
45 years old on the first day of Y2K
43 years old when Princess Diana was killed in a car crash
41 years old at the time of Oklahoma City bombing
40 years old when O. J. Simpson was charged with murder
39 years old at the time of the 93 bombing of the World Trade Center
36 years old when Operation Desert Storm began
35 years old during the fall of the Berlin Wall
31 years old when the space shuttle Challenger exploded
29 years old when Apple introduced the Macintosh
29 years old during Sally Ride’s travel in space
27 years old when Pres. Reagan was shot by John Hinckley, Jr.
25 years old at the time the Iran hostage crisis began
22 years old on the U.S.’s bicentennial Fourth of July
20 years old when President Nixon left office
18 years old when Alabama Gov. George C. Wallace was shot
15 years old at the time the first man stepped on the moon
14 years old when Martin Luther King Jr was assassinated
11 years old during the Watts riot
9 years old at the time President Kennedy was assassinated
5 years old when Hawaii was admitted as 50th of the United States
3 years old when the Soviet satellite Sputnik 1 was launched

And then there’s the Movie Version…

You said your birthday is 1 / 29 / 1954
which means you are 50 years old and about:
35 years 0 months younger than Zsa Zsa Gabor, age 85
23 years 8 months younger than Clint Eastwood, age 73
21 years 0 months younger than Kim Novak, age 71
18 years 0 months younger than Burt Reynolds, age 68
14 years 0 months younger than Nick Nolte, age 64
12 years 9 months younger than Ann-Margret, age 62
6 years 10 months younger than Billy Crystal, age 57
4 years 3 months younger than Whoopi Goldberg, age 54
1 year 6 months younger than Robin Williams, age 51
2 years 5 months older than Tom Hanks, age 47
4 years 10 months older than Jamie Lee Curtis, age 45
7 years 2 months older than Eddie Murphy, age 43
16 years 6 months older than Jennifer Lopez, age 33
25 years 1 month older than Jennifer Love Hewitt, age 25
34 years 2 months older than Haley Joel Osment, age 16

and when these movies were released in the U.S. your age was:
Old Yeller: 3
Ben-Hur: 5
West Side Story: 7
The Sound of Music: 11
Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner: 13
Midnight Cowboy: 15
The Godfather: 18
American Graffiti: 19
Jaws: 21
Star Wars: 23
Animal House: 24
Star Trek: The Motion Picture: 25
ET: 28
The Terminator: 30
Top Gun: 32
Planes, Trains & Automobiles: 33
Steel Magnolias: 35
Home Alone: 36
Wayne’s World: 38
Jurassic Park: 39
Forrest Gump: 40
Fargo: 42
Saving Private Ryan: 44
Toy Story 2: 45

And the Top 40 version

You said your birthday is 1 / 29 / 1954
which means you are 50 years old and about:
20 years 11 months younger than Yoko Ono, age 71
12 years 8 months younger than Bob Dylan, age 62
10 years 6 months younger than Mick Jagger, age 60
8 years 10 months younger than Eric Clapton, age 59
5 years 8 months younger than Stevie Nicks, age 55
1 year 8 months older than David Lee Roth, age 48
4 years 7 months older than Madonna, age 45
8 years 1 month older than Jon Bon Jovi, age 42
13 years 2 months older than Billy Corgan, age 37
16 years 2 months older than Mariah Carey, age 34
20 years 4 months older than Alanis Morissette, age 29
27 years 10 months older than Britney Spears, age 22

and when these songs were topping the charts
and these events occurred your age was:
Rock Around the Clock, Bill Haley and His Comets: 1
Don’t be Cruel, Elvis Presley: 2
American Bandstand first airs nationally: 3
Tequila, The Champs: 4
Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and The Big Bopper die in a plane crash: 5
The Twist, Chubby Checker: 6
Big Bad John, Jimmy Dean: 7
Sherry, The 4 Seasons: 8
The Beatles first appear live on The Ed Sullivan Show: 10
Downtown, Petula Clark: 10
The 8 track tape player first offered in 1966 Fords: 11
To Sir with Love, Lulu: 13
Hey Jude, The Beatles: 14
Woodstock Music Festival: 15
Me and Bobby McGee, Janis Joplin: 17
ABC TV premieres In Concert: 18
Time in a Bottle, Jim Croce: 19
I Shot the Sheriff, Eric Clapton: 20
Silly Love Songs, Wings: 22
Elvis Presley Dies: 23
Do Ya Think I’m Sexy, Rod Stewart: 25
Another Brick in the Wall, Pink Floyd: 26
John Lennon is shot to death: 26
MTV makes its debut: 27
Who Can it be Now, Men at Work: 28
The recording of We Are The World: 30
Walk Like an Egyptian, Bangles: 32
Didn’t We Almost have it all, Whitney Houston: 33
Back In The U.S.S.R. is released exclusively in Russia: 34
Nothing Compares 2 U, Sinead O’Connor: 36
Emotions, Mariah Carey: 37
Fleetwood Mac perform at Bill Clinton’s inauguration: 38
The Sign, Ace Of Base: 40
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum opens: 41

And finally, the TV version…

You said your birthday is 1 / 29 / 1954
which means you are 50 years old and about:
27 years 8 months younger than Andy Griffith, age 77
24 years 2 months younger than Dick Clark, age 74
22 years 10 months younger than Leonard Nimoy, age 73
20 years 9 months younger than Carol Burnett, age 70
18 years 0 months younger than Alan Alda, age 68
16 years 7 months younger than Bill Cosby, age 66
11 years 2 months younger than Linda Evans, age 61
9 years 0 months younger than Tom Selleck, age 59
6 years 1 month younger than Ted Danson, age 56
3 years 9 months younger than Jay Leno, age 53
0 years 0 months older than Oprah Winfrey, age 50
1 year 1 month older than Kelsey Grammer, age 49
4 years 4 months older than Drew Carey, age 45
7 years 4 months older than Michael J. Fox, age 42
10 years 9 months older than Calista Flockhart, age 39
15 years 0 months older than Jennifer Aniston, age 35
18 years 11 months older than Alyssa Milano, age 31
23 years 10 months older than Colin Hanks, age 26
29 years 7 months older than Mila Kunis, age 20
37 years 5 months older than Madylin Sweeten, age 12

and that you were:
1 years old when the series Gunsmoke started
3 years old during the first airing of Leave It To Beaver
5 years old when the first episode of Bonanza aired
8 years old at the time Beverly Hillbillies first aired
10 years old when the Addams Family first appeared on TV
12 years old at the time the first Star Trek episode was televised
16 years old when All in the Family was first shown
18 years old at the time the TV series M*A*S*H began
21 years old when Saturday Night Live first aired
24 years old when CBS introduced Dallas
26 years old during the first airing of Hill Street Blues
28 years old at the time the first Cheers episode was televised
32 years old when L.A. Law was first aired on TV
33 years old at the time the series Married with Children began
36 years old when Seinfeld was first televised
37 years old in the month Home Improvement began
40 years old at the time the TV series Friends began
42 years old when Everybody Loves Raymond first aired
45 years old when Who Wants To Be A Millionaire began in the US

And now please excuse me while I go put myself in a museum:)

Attack Of The California Cows

I worked my ass off in the garden building and putting up the retaining walls I need for the veggie bed. Used all recycled lumber from various sources I had around here. By the time I got done with my building tho, I was too tired to actually plant the veggies. Oh well, I’ll plant a few every day after work this week.

Got a bitch of a sunburn, but as is my usual healing pattern it is almost painless now. At this rate I might have a tan by August.

And now off to work.

Outside In The Cold Distance, A Wild Cat Did Growl

Went to visit my mom today. Had a nice time and man oh man is her garden a thriving jungle. After I left her house, I stopped by to see my sister and brother in law and niece.

When i finally got home around 2:00 PM, I found that the hot sun had fried some of my waiting to be planted plants. A quick watering revived most of them, but it’ll be tomorrow before I know if they’re all ok.

We sign the final paperwork on the refi on our home yesterday. In a matter of days, our fuckin’ credit cards will be paid off and shortly thereafter, cut up. Well, ok, we are keeping one for emergencies.

Tomorrow, My Sweet Little Marshmallow Peep of Passion and I will: (A) replace our old front garden faucet with a new taller and easier to use setup (B) eat delicious grilled Docburgers for lunch and (C) generally mess around doing home and garden stuff.

Pistols And Jelly Donuts

No really big news from Chateau Cross today. Hopefully the veggie garden bed will finally be ready this weekend and we can plant our many veggies and herbs.

I’m going up to Marysville to visit my mom this Saturday. It’s been awhile since I was up there so I’ll probably stop in and visit my sister and her family, too.

Our refi on the house is very nearly a done deal. Our monthly rate will actually increase slightly, but that is due to us borrowing enough to pay off all of our credit cards, so we’ll actually save several hundred bucks a month now. We’ll have some extra $$$ from the loan, so we’re going to get a few things we need and also set aside some $$ for our bigass GenCon trip this summer.

Speaking of GenCon, I’ll try to remember to bring as few of you lucky folks some dried herbs and chiles from here at the Cross Herbal Fantasyland and Dog Spa. Believe me, by August, I’ll have plenty to spare:)

Woke Up Ready To Rock

Recently, the Great and Powerful Robin D. Laws had a blog entry on the subject of putting ideas for novels/short stories/etc out where the public might take them and run with them. This is based on the fact that any writer (or in my case, daydreamer) will at any given time have many more ideas than he will have time or energy to deal with them.

So, my little scalawags, here are a few ideas that have spent long enough in my Humongous Box of Creativity. Do with them as you will.

1: Middle aged guy (thinking a Jim Belushi type here) gets super powers. He’s invulnerable and can fly. No super strength, X ray vision, etc. Does he become a hero? If so, how does he keep his identity secret? Does he tell his wife? How does he explain being gone at odd times? How does he use the two powers effectively? I can imagine a pretty funny movie here.

2: What if women really ARE a different species? Maybe they aren’t aware of it yet. Or maybe they are and they have secret organizations in place to hide the truth.

3: A small town in the Gold Country of Northern California is a nexus point for the strange and paranormal. Yes, this does borrow a bit from the old tv show “Eerie, Indiana”, but I see this as being played straighter and scarier.

ACK! Time for work! I’m outta here!

NOTE from 2007: See, I need to do stuff like this a lot more often. I get about 473 ideas every day and I could be putting them out there for y’all to marvel or laugh at.

Doc Tempest And The Robot Master


Grace and I just returned from seeing “Hellboy” and I’ve gotta say that it was a damned good movie. Action packed, funny and full of good comic booky strangeness. You should go see it if you want to be cool.


As I sit here writing this and chowing down on a bigass Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger (no, I’m not on the low carb diet:)one important question keeps running thru my mind: Where the fuck am I gonna plant the strawberries I bought yesterday? Gotta be in a full sun type of spot…but not readily visible from the street, lest the half-civilized little shitheads that pass for children in this neighborhood find them and eat them. Hmmm…maybe I can plant them in amongst the tomatoes and peppers.

I guess now that I’m growing lemon grass I should give a bit more study to Asian cooking. Looks like I’ll be picking up “Asian Cooking For Dummies” :)

Well, time to go move soil and plant veggies. More bloggage later.

Doc Tempest And The Sound Of Death

My Saturday Adventures

Got up early to take the car in for the 90,000 mile service. Got it back around 12:30. Went out and bought most of the plants I need for the veggie garden, as well as a couple of Lemon Grass plants, some more Lemon Verbena, a really striking looking Red Coreopsis and an assortment of Canna bulbs. Didn’t do much else today except play “Empire Earth” and blanch off another 2 pounds of spinach from the garden. At this rate, our freezer will be halfway full of spinach soon. We ate salad tonight that was picked from my pots of Mesclun Mix and Butter Lettuce. Yummy good!

Grace and I went to see “Hidalgo” tonight. Great adventure movie! The horse was a really pretty paint and Viggo Mortensen was a pleasure to watch. He’s a fine actor.

Well, that’s it for now. In the morning, I’ll go buy a bunch of teas from the tea & herb lady, then take My Sweet Little Green Singing Finch of Love to see “Hellboy”.

Monkeys! We Like Monkeys!

More Herb Garden Suggestions

FRENCH TARRAGON: A wonderful cooking herb that grows very well here in Zone 9. Dies back in the winter, then returns in the spring. There is an herb called Mexican Tarragon that smells and looks nice, but in my opinion is inferior for cooking purposes.

PARSLEY: You can grow the traditional Curly Leaf variety, but I prefer the Italian Flat Leaf variety. It’s tasty and very productive. One thing that surprised me about it this last year was that it never died out in my garden once winter came. Being an Annual Herb, it should have died, but it’s still out there growing like hell.

LEMON VERBENA: This makes a great tea and adds a wonderful lemony scent and flavor to whatever you put it into. It can be trained and pruned to grow into a small treelike shape, so it can look very attractive in the garden. Very easy to grow.

DILL: Tasty and beautiful plant that will attract butterflies. It will also reseed and take over your garden with a jihadlike frenzy. Grows in crappy soil or good soil.

FENNEL: You can’t really make good Italian sausage without fennel seeds. The Bronze Fennel is what you grow for seeds, while the Florence Fennel is grown for the very delicious semi-underground bulb it produces. Like dill, it is very pretty and attracts butterflies. Unlike dill, fennel is not quite so eager to spread all over the place.

Naked Ninja Cheerleaders From Hell

Some Herb Garden Suggestions

THYME: There are a bunch of types of thyme and I’ve grown at least 9 of them. As far as culinary uses go, try Common Thyme (aka English Thyme) or Lime Thyme or Lemon Thyme. For a nice ground cover, try Creeping Thyme or Wooly Thyme.

OREGANO: First off, remember that oregano can grow like hell and become invasive, so keep an eye on it or pot it. Common Oregano or Greek Oregano are best for cooking and the flowers attract bees.

BASIL: Sweet Basil or Genovese Basil are what you want for pesto and most cooking. Thai Basil is, naturally enough, spicy and a basic ingredient of Thai cooking. Cinnamon Basil and Lemon Basil are fine for adding a bit of a different flavor to dishes. Red Rubin Basil is great for flavoring/coloring oils or vinegars.

MINT: There are a shitload of mint types out there, including Lemon, Orange, Chocolate and others. For most of us tho, the two to grow are Spearmint and Peppermint. WARNING: If Oregano can be invasive, then mint has a wild and uncontrollable urge to spread as fast as it can. Grow it in pots or in areas where you don’t care if mint covers everything.

More Herbal suggestions later.

More Reprints From The Blogger Page: The Sex Rant


Guys, I have something to tell you: STOP WORRYING IF YOUR DICK IS BIG ENOUGH! First off, most women will tell you that it ain’t the meat, it’s the motion. Secondly, you DON’T want to take a poll of which women would rather do without, your tongue or your willy. (of course, if you’re Gene Simmons, you got whatever they choose in bulk anyway) Thirdly, some guy out there is ALWAYS gonna have a bigger dick than you, so quit competing. Finally, there is no easy way to make your johnson bigger, despite massive internet spam to the contrary, so just be satisfied with the handfull God gave ya.

Oh, by the way, you women who keep telling every guy you meet that his dick is really big: STOP! You are filling their heads with false impressions and the next woman they meet is gonna hate you for it.

A word to many of you young people out there: YES, your parents DID and DO have sex. Your generation did not invent promiscuity. Nor did your parent’s generation, but if they were young in the 60’s or 70’s they sure as hell polished promiscuity to a high shine:) I know, I was there. Free love, orgies, the Kama Sutra, dope, threesomes, bisexuality, the dawning of the porn industry, no AIDS, the Pill was new and plentiful…damn, it was a Golden Age for being a slut:) Also, the music didn’t suck ass like it does nowadays. Yes, youngsters, odds are good that your dear old dad laid alot of pipe back in the day and your mom and her college roomie were more chummy than you think. And for all you know they might STILL be attending orgies and stuff. THAT mental image ought to keep you awake tonight:)

Bisexuality: While I’m not bi, my wife and several other people I know are and I’m cool with it. Indeed, in Grace’s case I’m rather happy about it:) However, some people (on both sides of the gay/straight fence) have been known to refer to bi folk as “greedy” or “indecisive”. Well, they aren’t either of those things. What they are is smart, cos they are getting twice as much nookie as the rest of us:)

Sex in the shower: who the fuck ever really thought this was a good idea? Shit, unless you are both rail thin, the damned shower isn’t gonna be roomy enough anyway. Add to that the danger of slipping and breaking your neck and you can see that shower sex is just plain not worth the effort. Now, the kitchen table…ahhh, that my children is a veritable Love Chair:)

Ok, so right off the bat, let me say that I just do not understand this “Spit or Swallow” obsession that most men seem to have. Jesus, isn’t it enough that the woman is sucking yer dick? Who gives a rats ass if she swallows, as long as you get off? Would YOU swallow it? Personally, at the point of orgasm, I don’t care WHERE it goes. It could fly out the fuckin’ window and I wouldn’t care. (I imagine anyone outside the window WOULD care, but what the hell are they doing outside my window anyway?) Now, to be honest, I’ve been with maybe 3 women who wouldn’t swallow, but apparently I’ve been amazingly lucky. Must be a California thing. Anyway, stop fixating on it, guys.

And while we are on the subject of blowjobs, there are alot of you women who need to stop acting like you are rendering this great and wonderful service that we can only get from you personally. Do you really think a guy can’t find 50 other women in your town who will polish his knob? Like maybe your sister or best friend? Get over it and work on varying your technique. Remember: every guy likes it done differently.

Flipping sides now, let’s talk about cunnilingus. That’s eating pussy for those of you who repeated grades in school. When I dispense advice to young men who are just entering the sexual arena, the first thing I tell them (as my father told me) is to learn to kiss the kitty. If they are really lucky, an older woman will show them how. Barring that, the best way to get started is to follow the advice of the late great comedian Sam Kinison and “Lick The Alphabet”. Gents, by the time you get to the letter “K”, the lady will be as putty in your hands. Once you get to “Z”, you can start over, do the alphabet in reverse or just make up new letters for some alien alphabet. Just remember to stop before…A: your tongue cramps up…B: The woman has a heart attack.

End Of Sex Rant

NOTE from 2006: Ya know, I really ought to either reprint or expand this sex rant. Hell, maybe I should do both. It might just help some of the poor sexless gaiming geeks I know.