The Day We Blew Up Roger

…and other tales from my childhood

Regardin our trip prep/house cleaning/garden prep so far: AAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!

And now, more of Average Joe Week

The Doclopedia

About this character:  Jooooooe innnn spaaaaaaaace!

#53: Joe Orion, Starship Mechanic 

Stats (using FUDGE dice)

Body: +2
Mind: +2
Spirit: +2

Oh now, jeez, I haven’t seen one of dese in years. An old Asimov 250 with jump drive, right? Gosh, this is a classic, don’t ya know? There’s a fella back home in Fargo has got one o’ these.

Can I fix it? Oh yeah, you betcha! Might take a few days to get the parts, but I can have her up and runnin’ soon as I get ’em. Probably be costin’ ya seven or eight thousand credits, can’t be real sure yet.

Oh yeah, they got nice rooms over there at the Olympus Mons Hilton. Great buffet, too. Can’t beat our Martian cattle for a nice big steak or slice of prime rib. Got a buncha folks from Titan in town this week and things have been gettin’ a bit excitin’, don’t ya know.

Say now, is that a Ellison Industries particle cannon ya got there? Ya know, for an extra 500 credits, I can install the full auto upgrade for ya…

Looking Down On A Room Full Of Wise Guys

…pucker factor: 9.5

365 Days, 365 Characters

About this character:  Yes,  Joe exists in a standard D&D type fantasy world, too.

#52: Joe Smith, Blacksmith

Stats (using FUDGE dice)

Body: +3
Mind: +1
Spirit: +2

Aye, I’m the village blacksmith and so was my father and grandfather before me. You need a horse shod or a weapon repaired or a new weapon made, then I’m your man. I charge a fair price and I can work fast, if needs be.

Oddest weapon I’ve ever made, ye ask? Well, that’d be a sorta three bladed throwing sword that I made for a feller about two years ago. He was passing through town with a bunch of other folks and he ordered it special. Had drawings of what he needed. Paid real well for it, too. Didn’t say what he needed it for, but a few days later, that giant that was troubling the folks over in Byriver was found dead.

So, what can I do for ye? A spring loaded spear launcher and some silver tipped spears? Well now, let me get a look at those drawings…


…sounds like fun

Gaah! Work is sucking…still no working laptop…the last minute “pack up for the trip” frenzy is nigh…bank accounts must be manipulated…soon, my head will explode.

But until then, here’s today’s character.

365 Days, 365 Characters

About this character:  Here’s Joe in the Pulp 1930’s, still just doing his job.

#51: Joe Doakes, Diner Cook

Stats (using FUDGE dice)

Body: +1
Mind: +1
Spirit: +2

So like I was sayin’, ya work at a place like this…on a busy corner in a big city…and ya see all kindsa things. Hell, I was on my break one day last year when that Dr. Havoc guy tried to destroy the banking district with his army of robots. I was across the street, talking with Benny the newsboy and we saw the whole deal go down, just three blocks from here.

Then there was that time that Doc Tempest…yeah, THE Doc Tempest…comes runnin’ in here, asks for all my salt and fist full of bay leaves. I gives ’em to him and he tosses me a twenty dollar bill! Turns out, him and his crew was fighting some sort of zombies one block over. Yeah, I didn’t know salt and bay leaves would stop a zombie either, but hey, ya live and learn.

And hey, don’t even get me started on what the night shift is like around here.

The Cut Ups Crash The Teddy Bear’s Picnic

…woohoo, chaos and teddy bears

Today is the start of TWO weeks of Average Joe Week in my mad quest to post 365 characters in as many days. And “Average Joe” is not a euphimism! Nope, the character is really named Joe and I show you what average mundane (yet often vital) job he has in 14 different gaming/fiction genres. Yeah, my creativity knows no boundaries:)

365 Days, 365 Characters

About this character:  Meet Joe, our average guy. Today, he’s in the modern real world just doing his job.

#50: Joe Jones, Sanitation Engineer

Stats (using FUDGE dice)

Body: +2
Mind: +1
Spirit: +1

Yeah, I’m a garbage collector. So? Somebody has to do it and the pay ain’t bad. Plus, some interesting stuff happens along the route sometimes. Like that time me and Duffy found that guy all cut up and stuck in a dumpster over behind the Wal-Mart. We answered all kinda questions for the homicide cops. Then, some Feds who said they were with Homeland Security asked us even more questions, but they got kinda wierd. I mean, who the hell asks ya if you’ve seen any wolves in the middle of the friggin’ city, fer chrisakes?

Anyway, sometimes ya find stuff ya can use or sell, like when we found a suit that belonged to Tarantula-Boy and we sold it to the Daily Trumpet editor for a cool three bills. So yeah, bein’ a garbage collector ain’t a bad gig.

Clockwork Raccoon Archers

…furry meets steampunk

Watched Heroes last night. Pretty darned good and it had just enough strangness and connectivity between the characters to be cool. But then, I thought Surface was kinda cool last year (in spite of it’s terrible twisting of science) and they pulled the plug on it after 15 episodes. We’ll see how long Heroes lasts.

On the other hand, last week I watched part of Smith with Grace and was totally and irrevocably turned off by the fact that the supposed “master thieves” carried guns. Fucking assault rifles, in fact. I suppose it can be chalked up to the utterly classless “gangster lifestyle” that is all over the various entertainment media. Still, I found it disgusting and I hope the show gets cancelled soon. No true thief, especially an art thief as in the show, would ever pack heat on a job.

And now, the final entry for Dogs & Cats Living Together Week. Starting tomorrow…and for the next two weeks…it’s Average Joe Week. And, since I’m not sure of my internet connectivity while I’m in Hawaii, next Monday I’ll be posting a whole weeks worth of characters. Hey, it’s still 365 characters in 365 days, bub!

365 Days, 365 Characters

About this character:  Any pet owner will tell you that dogs & cats are, by turns, cute, stupid, smart, loving, infuriating, disgusting, goofy, hilarious, stubborn and sweet. Today’s characters are mostly goofy and stupid.

#49:  Weenie and Bill

Main Trait (Weenie): Doesn’t feel much pain

Main Trait (Bill):
 Too dumb to feel fear

Weenie is a fat female Miniature Dachshund and Bill is a scroungy looking male cat of indeterminate breed. Neither of them is particularly bright and Bill might even be a bit brain damaged. Weenie is full of energy, but very accident prone. Bill is also full of energy, especially when it relates to food. As if Mother Nature wanted to make up for shortchanging them in the brains department, they are both very tough and resilient. They are the best of friends and often come up with “fun ideas” for whiling away the time while their humans are at work. Hilarity and property damage ensue.

When Zebra Finches Go Bad

…it’s not pretty, what with all the guns and dope


<Chef voice> Good morning, children!<Chef voice off>


365 Days, 365 Characters

About this character:  Another quick one.

#48:  Abigail & Charmaine

Main Trait (Abigail): Spirit of the Wind

Main Trait (Charmaine):
 Spirit of Fire

Abigail and Charmaine are the pets of a powerful sorceress. Both also serve as the physical bodies for their respective elemental Spirits. Abby is a very pale grey Afghan Hound and Charli is a vivid orange Persian cat. When necessary, Abby can run at speeds up to 100 miles per hour and even fly short distances. Charli is totally immune to fire damage and can actually generate a body temperature of up to 500 degrees Fahrenheit. Both of them can also enter the Realm of Elementals any time they like.

The Dungeon Of Icky Things

…and by the 3rd level, they were really icky

Paint me white and call me Snowy, I’ve finally got all the plants in the ground that I bought yesterday! Now I’m all set up, landscapefully speaking, until after we get back from our vacation…at which point I’ll need to stick about a truckload of bulbs in the ground and transplant about 5,000,000 other plants. All of this being done while Grace and I “Bassetize” the house and do boring stuff like work. Yeah, it’s a veritable Carnival O’ Fun here at Chateau Cross.

Lately, mostly after reading the LJ of bruceb , I’ve been getting nostalgic to run a good old fashioned AD&D dungeon crawl. Actually, I get this urge every couple of years, but often either fight it down or see it voted down by my players. Now, however, I’m conjuring up a super duper bigass dungeoncrawl/underground world series idea and I think I’m gonna run it for my players starting in January. I’ll write bits about it before then, but since some of my players read this LJ, I won’t offer up the really juicy parts.

My Sweet Little Orange Creamsicle Of Love has been organizing our itinerary for the Hawaii trip. She does this partly because she is a detailed trip organizing kind of person and partly because I’m a “let’s just wing it” kinda guy. Usually, we end up doing a bit of winging it, but it’s nothing like the old days where hearing the words “Doc took care of all the trip details” would cause women to faint and drive strong men to tears. Those were the good old days, altho I do feel kinda bad about that trip in 1983 when some of our group ended up spending the night camped out in a cemetary in Bend, Oregon. Anyway, this should be a pretty well organized and event filled trip…even if I won’t be able to get Grace to go too near a (as she refers to it) “fucking ERUPTING volcano”. Also, I’m told there will be NO swimming with sharks or stingrays, no wandering around in the untamed jungle and no “other crazy shit”.  SIGH…a victim of my own reputation.

And now, the latest installment of…

365 Days, 365 Characters

About this character:  Today, Toon gets represented.

#47: Delbert Dogge & Conrad Catt

Main Trait (Delbert): Dogged Determination

Main Trait (Conrad): 9 Lives

Delbert is a rather obese Basset Hound. Conrad is a raggedy looking Siamese cat. They are both the pets of Granny Goodpickle and they hate each other. There is a constant war going on between them to get one another blamed for doing bad things, kicked out of the house and sent to the pound. So far, Granny has been oblivious to their ongoing war. Both of them have Incredilble Luck and Cosmic Shift as Shticks and they both own Bags of Many Things. It’s a wonder the house is still standing.

There Were Tears On Her Cheeks, But A Smile In Her Eyes

…as he rode away on his big iron horse

Well…lessee now…I’m tired from a day of working in the garden…well fed by the cooking skills of My Sweet Angel, Grace…about half drunk (using the Cross Family definition of “about half drunk) on Sierra Nevada Brewing Company Stout…and I think it’s time to post the lyrics of a song about cannabalism.

Timothy by

Trapped in a mine that had caved in
And everyone knows the only ones left
Were Joe and me and Tim
When they broke through to pull us free
The only ones left to tell the tale
Were Joe and me

Timothy, Timothy, where on earth did you go?
Timothy, Timothy, God why don’t I know?

Hungry as hell no food to eat
And Joe said that he would sell his soul
For just a piece of meat
Water enough to drink for two
And Joe said to me, “I’ll have a swig
And then there’s some for you.”

Timothy, Timothy, Joe was looking at you
Timothy, Timothy, God what did we do?

I must have blacked out just around then
‘Cause the very next thing that I could see
Was the light of the day again
My stomach was full as it could be
And nobody ever got around
To finding Timothy

And now some song lyrics about masturbation…

She Bop by Cindy Lauper

We-hell-I see them every night in tight blue jeans–
In the pages of a blue boy magazine
Hey I’ve been thinking of a new sensation
I’m picking up–good vibration–
Oop–she bop–

Do I wanna go out with a lion’s roar
Huh, yea, I wanna go south n get me some more
Hey, they say that a stitch in time saves nine
They say I better stop–or I’ll go blind
Oop–she bop–she bop

She bop–he bop–a–we bop
I bop–you bop–a–they bop
Be bop–be bop–a–lu–she bop,
I hope He will understand
She bop–he bop–a–we bop
I bop–you bop–a–they bop
Be bop–be bop–a–lu–she bop,
Oo–oo–she–do–she bop–she bop

(whistle along here)…

Hey, hey–they say I better get a chaperone
Because I can’t stop messin’ with the danger zone
No, I won’t worry, and I won’t fret–
Ain’t no law against it yet–
Oop–she bop–she bop–

She bop–he bop–we bop…

And finally, todays character…

The Doclopedia

About this character:  This is the kind of characters you get when Your Humble Narrator is hammered:)

#46: Alphonse & Gaston

Main Trait (Alphonse): Huge Size/Endurance

Main Trait (Gaston): Danger Sense/Night Vision

On April 12th, 2009, an experiment at the top secret Area 54 research facility went horrible wrong. It left the minds of Dr. Chandra Bannerjee and Dr. Gregg Emerson trapped in the bodies of Alphonse (an Irish Wolfhound) and Gaston (a Maine Coon cat). Ever worse, it made them both the object of a government Locate and Destroy mission of the highest level.

So far, Alphonse & Gaston have eluded their pursuers, but how much longer that can go on is anybody’s guess. Since their human bodies were destroyed in the accident, they are probably stuck in their new host bodies unless they can figure a way out and into new human bodies. With this in mind, they are working their way across the U.S. so that they can stow away on a ship heading to the island nation of Al Amarja. See, they’ve heard rumors…

Wuxia Death Circus

…those clowns are murder

I’ll post a nice long post tonight, but for now…

365 Days, 365 Characters

About this character:  The shortest character post so far:)

#45: Mittens and Scruffy

Main Trait (Mittens): Intelligence/Agility

Main Trait (Scruffy): Heightened Senses/Endurance

Scruffy is a Border Terrier. Mittens is a medium sized, black with white feet American Shorthair cat. They are as smart as humans, but otherwise just a normal cat and dog. Both are male and neutered.

Oh, and once in awhile they transform into 30 foot tall ancient Native American guardian spirits and destroy people and places responsible for polluting the environment.

Harry Potter And His Wand Of Steel

…hint: Abraviagra!

If J.K. herself came and slapped me upside the head, I’d deserve it for that one:)

Quick Update Notes

1: My spinach is sprouting and will no doubt have no trace of e. coli
2: Fall is descending upon us here in NorCal. Temperatures are staying steadily in the 80’s.
3: I haven’t seen any of the new fall tv shows yet, altho Grace has recorded a few. I will watch the premiere of “Heroes”, but most of the rest of the fall offerings look like ripoffs of 24, House and bad sitcoms.

365 Days, 365 Characters

About this character:  This Feline/Canine pair says: Who needs owners/masters? Not us!

#44: Thomas and Candy

Main Trait (Thomas): Intelligence

Main Trait (Candy): Heightened Senses

As we all know, there are people in the world who can assume animal shapes. We call them shapeshifters or lycanthropes. In the animal world, there are those who can assume human shape. Oddly enough, they are also called shapeshifters.

Thomas and Candy are a couple (yes, as in married) who can take on human forms at will. In those forms, they look like a very good looking young couple. In reality, Thomas is an orange striped Tabby cat and Candy is a Springer Spaniel. They are also, while in human form, extremely successful jewel thieves.

Thomas and Candy live in a beautiful home in Seattle, Washington. They have no children, but are considering adopting a couple of puppies or kittens.

The White Witch And Rock & Roll Debbie Team Up

…and I was very afraid

Damn, both Grace and I are getting antsy to go on vacation. From now on, no more going 2 years without a trip somewhere that lasts at least a week.

And now, the start of a week of characters where ya get two fer the price of one!

365 Days, 365 Characters

About this character:  Since this is Cats & Dogs Living Together Week, you get a cat and a dog character every day. Yay me!

#43: Spock & Bones

Main Trait (Spock): Size/Strength

Main Trait (Bones): Agility

Spock the Rottwieller and Bones the Russian Blue are the pets of the Abernathy family, most of whom are die hard Star Trek fans. Spock & Bones couldn’t care less about science fiction on tv, but they do care about battling the threat of alien invasion in their home town!

You see, the town the Abernathy’s live in is (for reasons only known to extraterrestrials) the spot on earth to conquer first. So, each night, Spock & Bones go forth to repel the alien invaders that the humans either can’t identify or never even find out about. Aiding in the fight are not only many other household pets, but much of the wildlife in the area.

Contrary to their names, Spock & Bones never argue and are the best of friends.

Powerboosted Sexual Candy

…I mean, like, damn!

365 Days, 365 Characters

About this character:  We finish off Wild Card Week with a very bad man. Starting tomorrow: Cats & Dogs Living Together Week

#42: The Head Hunter

Ace Power: Can bite off, swallow whole and almost instantly digest a human head. Once he does that, he turns into an exact physical duplicate of the person whose head he ate, while their body changes into his old (now headless) body. Very tough, fast and strong.

Main Skills: Survival, Persuasion, Security Systems

Attributes (from best to worst):  Intelligence,  Strength, Constitution, Charisma, Dexterity, Agility.

 Concentrated High Frequency Attacks

Nobody knows who the Head Hunter is, but he has killed at least 200 people in the last 12 years. The FBI has a dedicated task force set up just to track him, but they are always at least several hours behind him.

Altho he prefers to take heads in non-public areas, he has been seen doing it by witnesses in broad daylight at least twice. Most of these witnesses needed lots of counselling afterward.

The Head Hunter seems to favor the Southwest and Northeast United States. As far as heads go, he’ll take them young or old, male or female, any race…but never anyone who has not yet reached puberty.

The Almost Completely True Adventures Of Captain California, Pirate & Adventurer

…writ by me own hand, so’s ye know it’s true

Yarr, maties, Ol’ Cap’n California had himself a touch o’ insomnia last night an’ only got ’round 3-4 hours sleep. I be feelin’n like Davey Jones hisownself done swabbed a deck with me. Still, a bit o’ extra strong tea oughtta see me thru tha day. Tonight, I’ll be in me hammock earlylike, ye can bet yer last dubloon on that.

Well, ya swabs, I be runnin’ late, so I’ll bid ye fair sailin’ and I’ll see ye ’round sunset, when I post me next character. Arrr! 

The Ten Blue Budgies Explode

…I guess they got some bad millet

The Doclopedia #41

Wild Cards:  Monster Man

Ace Power: Can change into any movie monster he has ever seen…but he cannot increase his mass beyond normal.

Main Skills: Movie Monster Knowledge, Acting, Stuntman Skills

Attributes (from best to worst):  Intelligence,  Strength, Constitution, Agility, Charisma, Dexterity.

 Just the ones a normal human has

Adam “Monster Man” Benson was a stuntman and monster movie historian when he turned over his ace on Halloween night, 2000. Since then, he has added actor and convention attraction to the list. He has starred in several remakes of popular monster/sci fi movies, playing everything from Count Dracula (Bela Lugosi version) to The Blob to Godzilla (a 6′, 2″ Godzilla, but much more realistic than a guy in a rubber suit). He is in big demand at sci-fi, horror and gaming conventions, where he always appears before a packed house.

Adam can remain in monster form for up to 3 hours. He does NOT gain any supernatural/extranormal powers when in monster form.


Teenage Ducks Go Wild

…it’s all that duck rock they listen to that makes ’em crazy

Sore…no, very sore body tonight…that hillside gardening kicks my ass…here’s today’s character…I go sleep soon…

The Doclopedia #40
Ordinary Supers: Maxwell Edison

Power: Can create a silver hammer out of thin air.

Main Skills: Medical Knowledge, Persuasion, Ladies Man, Artistic Skills

Attributes (from best to worst):  Intelligence,  Charisma, Strength,  Agility,  Dexterity, Constitution

 The hammer can only be summoned twice a day and only for 5 minutes at a time.

Maxwell is a good looking young medical student in London. He likes to whack people on the head with his silver hammer. He makes sure they are dead, then he knocks off a quick painting of the crime scene. The ladies all like Maxwell…and he likes them…dead. The Beatles wrote a song about Maxwell and his hammer.

The Horticultiral Whore Goes Shopping

…and mum’s the word

That would be Mum as in fall planted chrysanthimums. I hit Loews garden center pretty hard today, buying the following…

6 different color types of Mums (red with a yellowcenter, deep red, deep purple, yellow, white and yellow with orange edges)
6 False Heathers (Cuphea)
12 assorted Marigolds
1 purple Calabrachoa
2 trailing Lantanas (1 white, 1 purple)
6 assorted Dianthus (aka Pinks or Sweet Williams)
6 Violets

The Mums went into bare spots in Flower beds J-45-Alpha and Q-91-Gamma. The Violets will also go into various flower beds, too. The rest of todays purchases, plus a few more plants I’ll buy next weekend here , will go on the hillside that runs along the east side of our house. Actually, I have a bunch of transplants from various garden beds (such as a huge bunch of Lemon Grass shoots, zillions of cannas, some dwarf bamboo and several kinds of salvia) that will go onto the hillside as well. Once that hillside is all planted up real purty like, I’m done with it…well, except for watering and such.

I also bought several sacks of compost and some fine screened steer manure, just to help punch up the iffy hillside soil. Mulch will have to wait until tomorrow.

And now, before I run off to prepare a dinner of Pork Chops, Stuffing, Bandito Gravy, Green Beans and Nestle’s Crunch Bar Chocolate Ice Cream for My Sweet Little Albino Springbok Of Love, here is todays character.

The Doclopedia #39

Ordinary Supers:  Missy Ng

Ace Power: Ability to change into an energy form, superspeed, energy bolts, insanely rapid healing, EMP (good for up to 100 yards), drain energy from powerlines/batteries/etc.

Main Skills: Gymnastics, Martial Arts

Attributes (from best to worst):  Intelligence,  Agility,  Dexterity, Charisma, Strength, Constitution

Weakness: Can only maintain her energy form for 15 minutes at the present time

Missy is a 14 year old Vietnamese American girl. She has only recently turned over her ace and is still learning what she can do. So far, she has told nobody else about it. She hasn’t yet decided if she wants to fight crime, but she’s kinda leaning in that direction. Since gaining her powers, she has never once been late for school.

Organic Ant Farm

…no recombinant DNA in our aphids

Oh yeah, it’s weekend time! With any luck, Grace will get my laptop booted up (we got it back from having the screen replaced on Tuesday) and I can get off this desktop computer. It all depends upon the restore disk and other techie shit I know nothing about.

We’ll be doing more trip prep, plus housecleaning tomorrow. Sunday is kinda open so far.

And now, today’s character…

The Doclopedia

About this character: This Ace is just an average New York cop doing his job…really well.

#38:  Detective Stan Webber

Ace Power: Ability to control the emotions of others, powerful mental shield

Main Skills: Observation, Communication, Detection, Marksmanship, Streetwise, Criminology, Psychology

Attributes (from best to worst):  Intelligence, Charisma, Strength, Constitution, Dexterity, Agility

Weakness: Can’t control the emortions of pre-pubescent children, truly insane people or animals.

Detective Webber turned over his ace when he was a rookie. A scared kid, caught while trying to rob a fast food joint, was about to lose it and start shooting. Webber told him to calm down and to his surprise, the kid began calming down. The more Webber spoke to him, the calmer he got (and the more Webber felt a tingling in his forehead). Soon, the kid was practically asleep and Stan slapped the cuffs on him.

Since then, Stan has learned that he can turn a persons emotional level up or down or even change what they are feeling. Early on, he had to speak to the target, but now he can do it by thought alone. He has put his powers to good use by not only capturing criminals, but getting confessions out of them once they are in custody.

While Stan has not revealed his powers to anyone, his partner, Frank Dugan, suspects him of being an Ace. Not that he’s likely to tell anybody. After all, if it helps clean up the streets, what the hell?

Cone Shell Cabaret

…as deadly as it is fun

The Doclopedia #37


Joker Form: A short man composed entirely of what looks like water

Main Skills: Sneak, Hide, Move Rapidly, Quick Regeneration, Virtually Invisible when immersed in water, Malleable Form

Attributes (from best to worst):  Agility, Intelligence, Constitution, Dexterity, Strength, Charisma

Weakness: Speech is very hard to understand, freezes at temperatures below 32 degrees Fahrenheit

Waterboy (his real name is unknown) is, despite his name, not a young person. He drew his joker a week before his 40th birthday. Understanding that his old life was forever gone, he set about exploring his new form and seeing what he could use it for.

After some experimenting, Waterboy decided that he could best put his powers to use by gathering information, which he could then sell or use for blackmail. He established a base of operations in an old city water pumping station and, using the city’s water pipes as his highway, began his operation.

Within weeks, he had gathered several aquatic based Jokers to aid him and was compiling a huge database of the sins and indiscretions of New York’s movers & shakers. Within 6 months, he had a fat bank account and a home on Long Island with 4 Olympic sized pools. Six months later, he spent a couple of weeks in Washington, DC and really hit the mother lode.

Now, it is 5 years later and the little Joker from Long Island pulls the strings in governments from China to Sweden. Mostly, he’s caused great things to happen for Joker’s rights and the environment, but he’s getting a bit bored. Perhaps it’s time to encourage more space exploration…or wage a real war on crime…or make all the governments put women in charge.

After all, you can do anything with the right information.

Electric Betty And The Too Sweet Kid

…they were quite a couple

The Doclopedia #36

Ordinary Supers:  Mr. Cool

Ace Powers: Temperature control, ice blast, arctic winds

Main Skills: Martial Arts, Security Systems, Streetwise

Attributes (from best to worst): Intelligence, Charisma, Agility, Constitution, Dexterity, Strength

Weakness: Extreme prolonged heat with low humidity

Hakeem Wells always loved those asskicking 1970’s blaxploitation heroes like Shaft and Superfly. He dreamed of someday becoming bad enough to go out and clean the criminals out of his neighborhood. Then, on his 16th birthday, he turned over his Ace and got his wish. Soon, the news on the street was that a new bad motherfucker was in town. Unfortunately for Hakeem, he decided to go the secret identity route. Pity nobody told him how much of a pain in the ass it is.

Now, 5 years later, Hakeem’s first problem is holding down a job while attending classes at the University. Actually, making it to classes is his second problem. Then there are his parents, who are not only prone to dropping by his apartment unannounced, but wonder why he keeps missing family functions. Much the same problem comes from all of his 4 sisters (thankfully, his brother is in the Navy and far from home, his 3 aunts, both sets of his grandparents and most of his friends. Everybody wants to know why he’s changed so much. Hakeem wishes he had good answers.

Fortunately, his girlfriend, who is also an ace (The Ghost Queen) knows his secrets and doesn’t bug him about them. She is, however, a tad insistent about the whole “marry and have kids” thing. By the way, her parents do not drop by unannounced. That’s because they hate Hakeem and think he is not nearly good enough for their little girl.

Out on the streets though, Mr. Cool is much loved and respected…except for the street gangs, organized crime families, assorted street scum, evil aces, evil jokers, corrupt cops, corrupt politicians, mudslinging newspaper editors, mad scientists and shadowy government agencies that all hate him and want to see him dead/degraded/locked up/tortured/placed in a lab for study or disintegrated.

Yeah, it’s cool being Mr. Cool.

Doris, The Exploding Bicycle

…a cautionary tale for all boys and girls

Stuff…get yer red hot stuff…two fer a dollar…

1: I finished the second book of The Dresden Files series, Fool Moon. It was a fine tale, full of wizardry, massive contusions and rampant lycanthropy of all sorts. I’ve just started the 3rd book in the series and it looks to be a fun read as well.

2: Due to a recent post by doc_mystery, I find myself mulling over his wonderful idea of using Tetrislike shapes to represent the spells a mage knows and how they need to fit together to represent the spells a mage can cast. Folks, I can see myself going through several RPG books worth of spells…choosing the ones I want…giving them shapes…and then using this new spell rules thing in a fantasy game. Well, with minimal modifications, of course. Hmmmmm

3: I’ve decided that in 2007, I’m going to go to as many cons as I can afford. That means that, besides DunDraCon…Conquest Sac…GenCon Indy…I might also hit KublaCon…Conquest SF…GenCon Socal…and maybe 1 or 2 that I’m forgetting. Of course, except for the two GenCons, all of these cons are an easy drive from stately Cross Manor, but still, it’s a plan.

4: For the easily horticulturally bored, fair warning: in about 2 weeks, I’ll be doing a bigass Summer Gardening Review and Fall/Winter Gardening Preview.

Hmmm…I was gonna write more, but it’s time to hit the sack. More bloggishness on the morrow.

We Used To Like Monkeys, But Now We Like Orangutans

…maybe it’s cos they have red hair


Well, I successfully made it through yesterday with almost no 9/11 crap entering my realm of awareness. Hopefully, now that we’ve passed the 5th anniversary, it will begin the slow fade into history where it belongs.

Our regular every other Sunday Game Day was fun. In lieu of the regular series, I ran a one off dungeon crawl that was fun for all concerned. Hopefully, next session will see me with my laptop back and running The Adventures Of Zora.

And now, the final character of AD&D Monsters As Characters week. Starting tomorrow: Ordinary Supers week.

The Doclopedia #35

AD&D Monsters As Characters: Coriaximal the Dragon


About this character: Oak Hill is chock full of misfit monsters. Regular Monsters hate the misfits and wish to kill them. Why don’t they? The Oak Hill Dragon, that’s why.

Coriaximal the Dragon

STR: 18/00 (on a bad day)
CON: 18
DEX: 16
INT: 18
WIS: 12
CHA: 11

Coriaximal, or Cori to his friends, is a Dragon who lives in a very large cave at the top of the hill from which Oak Hill gets it’s name. He is enormous in size, measuring just over 150 feet from nose to tail. His wingspan is just a bit longer at 158 feet. In addition, Cori is a hybrid dragon, created from the selective breeding of many other types of dragons. As a result, he has all of their strengths, none of their weaknesses and a dazzling selection of breath weapons.

Several times a day, Cori will fly out and patrol the area around Oak Hill. If he sees a group of evil monsters, he will give them a rather stern warning to leave. Not surprisingly, this works quite well about 99% of the time. The other 1% of the time, Cori eats the evil monsters. After several years of patrolling, Cori has made the area around Oak Hill extremely safe.

Altho he is still a very young fellow (barely 100 years old), Cori is beginning to feel lonely. Soon, he’ll have to go looking for a mate. He kind of has his eye on a cute little Golden Dragon over near Mount McCaffrey. Perhaps in the near future, Oak Hill will have the patter of little dragon feet echoing throughout the village.

In his spare time, Cori enjoys letting the village children crawl all over him, decorating his cave with rare gemstones and growing roses.

The Vicious Guard Dogs Who Loved Turkey Frankfurters

…and I was their best buddy

The Doclopedia #34

AD&D Monsters As Characters: Sheriff Rowf The Kobold


About this character: You’ve got to have law and order in any town and Oak Hill is no exception.

Sheriff Rowf the Kobold

STR: 7
CON: 8
DEX: 10
INT: 18
WIS: 14
CHA: 9

Once upon a time, a husband and wife team of human wizards came upon a destroyed kobold village. They found one survivor, a tiny baby kobold no more than a day old. Being kindly and childless folks, they adopted the small quasi-canine being and raised him as their son.

Rowf grew up to be not only a kind and intelligent fellow, but a pretty fair mage. One day, he left home to seek his fortune in the world. As luck would have it, he found Oak Hill not 3 days walk away from his parents house.  The village was under attack by bandits, but with a few spells, Rowf soon had things under control and the bandits in custody. The townsfolk offered him the job of sheriff and he accepted.

Rowf lives in a modest house behind the sheriff’s office/jail with his wife, Lorinda (also a kobold) and their 3 kids.

In his spare time, Rowf enjoys fishing, hunting and playing poker with his buddies.

Chrome Plated Tigers

…deadly, but way cool lookin’

Well, yesterday’s 1 hour shopping trip stretched to 3 hours, but at least we got alot of the stuff we’ll be taking to Hawaii. Since I’ll be taking the backpack full of laptop, vidcam, still cam and all necessary accessories (which will weigh about a ton), Grace will take the backpack full of clothes. We plan on buying extra clothes and all personal grooming items while there, then shipping home what doesn’t fit in the backpacks. See, Uncle Doc does not trust airlines not to lose his stuff, so we only do check on baggage.

We have a few things left to buy, but not anything big. Then, we’ll be ready for Kaua’I and the Big Island. Woohoo! I shall post to LJ from Hawaii and will make pics available for your viewing pleasure. October 2 is our departure date.

Got the spinach bed ready yesterday, but didn’t plant the seeds due to heavy bird activity in my yard. I just know those little fuckers were waiting for me to lay out the seed buffet. I’ll plant the seeds later today, after our Game Session.

Said Game Session will not be The Adventures Of Zora, since the laptop is still in the shop. Instead, I’ll most likely run a mini-dungeon full of hack & slash merriment.

And now, today’s character!

About this character: Today, we meet Oak Hill’s mayor. As misfits to one’s species go, she’s just about the ultimate.


The Doclopedia #33

AD&D Monsters As Characters: Mayor Lola the Night Hag

STR: 11
CON: 14
DEX: 12
INT: 15
WIS: 13
CHA: 18

Mayor Lola is everything a Night Hag is not supposed to be: Beautiful, kind, caring, Lawful Good and a vegetarian. No wonder she was banished from Hades!

After several years of travelling about and doing good deeds in the Lands of Men, Lola had developed quite a following of misfit creatures that are usually called monsters. Deciding that they needed a home to call their own, Lola chose Oak hill and soon a villageb sprang up with her as the “Mayor for life”.

Lola works hard to keep things running smoothly and personally welcomes each new citizen that wanders in from outside of town. She meets once a month with the Town Council to discuss village business and also teaches art classes at the village school. Lola is married to Armand the Were-Dog (under the full moon, he turns into a Golden Retriever) and has two adopted children.

In her very rare spare time, Lola enjoys singing in the town choir, reading stories to her children and tossing a ball under the full moon for Armand to fetch.


Dreams Of Racing To GenCon

…cross country, full speed ahead

Yeah, I had a dream that Spike Y Jones and I were one of several teams involved in a cross country race from San Francisco to GenCon Indy. I don’t know who won, but just before I woke up Spike and I were 2 hours ahead and just leaving St. Louis.

I’m gonna post today’s character, then go tend to gardening chores before joining My Sweet Little Spinning Dolphin Of Love on a quest to buy stuff for the Hawaii trip.


About this character: Ya know that cranky old neighbor man who always yells at kids who walk past his house? Well, here is Oak Hill’s version of him.

The Doclopedia #32:  Grug the Goblin

STR: 7
CON: 8
DEX: 7
INT: 10
WIS: 12
CHA: 6

Grug, or “Ol’ Man Grug” as the neighborhood kids like to call him, lives in a modest little house on 120 Ochre Jelly Street. He lives with his wife, Mokli (a very pleasant goblin lady, by all accounts) and their pet blink dog, Blinky.

Grug spends most of his time tending his garden, mowing his lawn and yelling at any neighbor kids who get withing 20 feet of his property. Sometimes you can find him in the back yard fixing things or picking zapples from his zapple tree, but mostly, he’s out front on Kid Lookout.

In his spare time (which is generally after dark when the kids are in their homes) Grug enjoys playing checkers, drinking hard zapple cider, talking about “the good old days” and generally being a cantankerous old fart.

The House Of Whacks

…the most popular BDSM playhouse in the city

I like that one. It cracked me up.


About this character: Sometimes, a gal just needs to show the guys she can be rough and tough. Sometimes, she needs to act girly. Today’s character does both.

The Doclopedia #31:  Bronwyn the Yeti

STR: 18
CON: 18
DEX: 12
INT: 12
WIS: 10
CHA: 8

Bronwyn, or Bronny as her friends like to call her, is Oak Hill’s blacksmith. Given her height of 8’3″ and her enormous strength, blacksmithing is a pretty easy job for her. She also uses her metalworking skills to create lovely wrought Iron artwork. Her work is in high demand.

Actually, her artwork isn’t all that is in high demand. Bronny herself has several suitors, including Ed the Ogre, Dr. Azkorak the Centaur and Lucius the Brownie (gotta give Lucius an A for effort). So far, when asked about who she fancies most, Bronny just giggles and blushes.

In her spare time, Bronny enjoys hiking, dancing and sewing.