Square Snowflakes

…that make square snowballs

Spy Week starts out with a femme fatale

The Doclopedia #65

Spies:  Circe LeBeaux


Circe is a freelancer who works for whoever pays her…and she’s not inexpensive. She uses seduction on men (and some women) whenever she can, but is also very well versed in all of the other tricks of the spy trade. Although she doesn’t like doing wetwork, she will not hesitate to kill anyone that tries to harm or capture her. For the last several years, Circe has specialized in industrial espionage, but recently she has gotten back into the geopolitical side of things.

Circe is a 5’6″ tall woman of mixed ethnicity. She has long black hair, brown eyes, a trim and very fit body and she is drop dead gorgeous. Her weapon of choice is a thin and very sharp dagger.  She speaks a dozen languages, but mainly uses French and English.

Big Ol’ Crazy Monsters

…with googly eyes

Before we get on to the final Joe of Average Joe Week, here are…

Several Lessons We Learned On Vacation

1: On the Big Island, hotels charge an arm and a leg for phone calls. A cell phone would have helped immensely. Oh, and internet access is just crazy expensive, assuming you can find it.

2: Everything is much more expensive…like gas being $1.10 more than it was here in California.

3: The roads, for the most part are two lane and have lower speed limits than on the mainland…and most people drive the speed limit.

4: Just for you geeks: There are NO game stores on the Big Island or Kaua’i. There is ONE comic book store on the Big Island and two on Kaua’i.

5: Both the hotels we stayed at had extra firm mattresses. We hated them.

6: Some places on the islands have screwy open/closed days. We should have called every single place we planned on visiting. Using a cell phone.

7: The fish that the Hawaiians call ONO is damned delicious.

8: Pineapple pancakes + coconut syrup = pina colada breakfast!

9: If you buy a bunch of stuff, mail/ship it home. The less you take through the fucking paranoid security checkpoints, the better.

10: Radio reception on most of Kaua’i sucks.

And now, the end of Average Joe Week.  Starting tomorrow: Spy Week

The Doclopedia #64

Average Joes:  Joe Bosley, Streetsweeper


Like I was saying, this is a hell of a town for garbage in the streets. Last week, it was the Brotherhood of Airshippers parade, then a few days after that it was the National Mad Scientists convention. Damn, them scientists sure can party…when they aren’t trying to kill each other. The city will be patching up from that for months.

Of course, even that big blowout was nothing compared to the Martian Werewolf Invasion of 1996. Man, we racked up the overtime cleaning up after that. Heck, I even found enough Martian bits & pieces to sell on eBay for big bucks.

Meanwhile, Back At The Ranch

…the spinach was sleeping

Well, it would be if spinach slept. We are home, having arrived at the airport at 9:00 pm and getting home at about 10:00 pm. It was a fun and revitalizing trip, but it is good to be home.

Our only bit of bad vacation luck occured about a third of the way into the flight home when, whilst eating a piece of beef jerky, I busted off a front tooth from my upper dental plate. This was a big fat pain in the ass, but I’ll get it repaired tomorrow or so and be chomping away again soon. Just not at beef jerky.

And now, it’s off to sleep in our beloved and much missed Select Comfort bed. Extra firm hotel beds suck.

The Not So Long, But Really Winding Road

…with applepollyoggies to The Beatles

Today, our last full day on Kaua’i, we drove up to see the Waimea Canyon and then get a tiny tantalizing view of the Na Pali Coast. The road up to the canyon runs about 20 miles once you leave the main highway and it is very twisty. Fortunately, it is also a very good 2 lane road with some really great views.

The Waimea Canyon itself is billed as the Grand Canyon of the Pacific and it does indeed resemble the original. Not as large, of course, but pretty friggin’ huge when you consider ther size of the island it’s on. We took a bunch of pix and once we are home I’ll have Grace set it up so we can share them with you.

After seeing the canyon, we drove a few more miles up to the end of the road and saw some of the waterfall laden, knife edged mountains of the Na Pali Coast. The whole area up there is very popular with moviemakers and if you’ve seen Jurassic Park, Raiders of the Lost Ark or the 1970’s version of King Kong (among many other movies), you’ve seen it. It’s lush, primitive looking and pretty damned remote. I wanted to take off my clothes and, as The Kinks once sang, “live like an ape man”.

Later, after the roller coasterlike drive back down to the town of Waimea, we stopped and ate lunch. I had a chili burger that was pretty average and Grace had a Loco Moco, which is two scoops of rice, a ground beef patty and a fried egg covered in brown gravy. You’ll find loco moco’s on the menu in a great many places on the islands and they are quite yummy.

Once we were fed, it was on to the National Tropical Botanical Gardens Allerton site. It more than made up for missing the Limahuli site yesterday. We saw tons of beautiful plants and quite a number of birds. We also got a chance to go about 100 yards down the road to see the Spouting Horn. It’s a spot where the sea has worn a small tunnel into the rock with two openings on top of the rock. When a wave comes in, the first hole spouts up water and the second hole lets out a deep toned whhosh that sounds like a peturbed sauropod. We got vid footage of it.

By the time we got back to the hotel, we had just enogh energy to walk back down to the beach, where Grace took another swim while I watched from the shore. Finally, we came back to our room, ate left over prime rib (and other stuff) and now are relaxing prior to the Great Packing Up Adventure. Tomorrow, it’s off to the airport and back to California.

More blogstuff later.

An Angel In The Pacific

…that’s my baby

The above mentioned angel is, of course, My Sweet Little Tempura Maui Onion Ring Of Cuteness, Grace. We just got back from the beach, where she took her first swim in the Pacific Ocean. See, the Pacific near northern California is just too damn cold, so she sensibly avoided it.

Today’s adventures included driving up to the Kiluea Point Wildlife Refuge, where we saw many seabirds and Nene Geese (and a mongoose or two). After that, we drove to the end of the highway up near the extreme northern tip of Kaua’i. It was a nice drive with great tropical scenery. Also, toffee coated chocolate dipped macadamia nuts were eaten:)

After the northernly drive, we did a bit of shopping, ate lunch and then partook of the ocean for the above mentioned swimming. Or rather, Grace did. I sat on the shore because, despite being a good swimmer, I don’t like going into the water in pools, let alone the ocean. Besides, I hate getting sand in my various wrinkles & crevices.

Soon, we shall eat dinner. Not sure where yet, but it will no doubt be good. Last night we had Kaua’i grown beef in the form of prime rib at a place called The Bull Shed. To say the portions were generous would be misleading, since the last time I was near a slab of beef that big, it was eating grass and mooing. Still, Grace and I tucked into it and ate enough meat to send us into a protien induced stupor.

Tomorrow, our goal is to see the Grand Canyon of the Pacific (in the middle if the island)and wander about looking at island flora & fauna. And, no doubt, shopping one last time before we leave for home on Monday.

I’m outta here. More bloggage soon.

Greetings From Kaua’I

…the garden island

As the subject line suggests, we are on the oldest of the Hawai’ian islands, Kaua’i. Our 4 days on the Big Island were full of driving around, seeing stuff, eating stuff, buying stuff, taking pictures of stuff and doing stuff. Except going online, for which our hotel wanted an arm and a leg and the internet cafes wanted a testicle. Besides, by the end of each day, we were generally ready for bed, due to said days starting early and finishing late.

I highly recommend that if you ever get a chance to visit our 50th state, you do so. It’s different, exotic, yet still the good old USA.

So anyway, we arrived here on Kaua’i about 3 hours ago and after checking into the hotel, found that, unlike the Big Island, there is a local dial up number for AOL and it costs exactly fifty cents per call…no limbs or testes needed as payment.

We’ll be here until Monday morning, then it’s home again, home again, jiggety jig for us. In the meantime, we’ll be checking out the natural wonders of this island and taking tons of pix and vid footage along the way.

And now it is time for FOOD! More tropical bloggage later.

Monkey Butter On a Stick

…I’m insane

This will probably be the last post I’ll do before Grace and I get to Hawaii on Monday afternoon. The laptop is FINALLY back up and running, so it is going with us. Now, I must sleep, but here is a veritable Joeapalooza of entries in the character follies. I hope that y’all enjoy them.

The Doclopedia #54

Average Joes: Joe Wyznowski, Cemetary Custodian
Yeah, I know…creepy job taking care of a cemetary…but hell, the pay is good, I get this nice little cottage to live in and door to door salesmen never come around. Oh sure, we get some vandals every now and then…and there have been a few exhumations by the cops…you know, to help solve crimes…and yeah, every now and then you get a wacko coming on the grounds…but all in all, it beats pumping gas.



The Doclopedia #55

Average Joes: Joe Konk, Security Guard
Uhh, yeah, I’m the only security guard here at the ACME factory. It’s rough work, but what else am I gonna do? Besides, I recover pretty quickly from all of the assaults by thieving toons. Why, I’ve been konked with baseball bats, hit in the face with frying pans, had pianos dropped on my head, been shot, blown up, eaten by a tiger, covered with cement, pounded into the ground by a huge mallet, steamrolled flat, stomped on by elephants and painted pink. And that was just this week!


The Doclopedia #56

Average Joes: Joe  Chang, Bathouse Proprietor
Yes, yes…you’ve come to the right place for a bath, sir. For only 50 cents, we’ll fix you up a nice hot bath and give you a bar of fancy French milled soap. Very nice! Oh, that tub on the wall? That’s the tub that the Sunset Kid was in when he was gunned down by Frisco Jim Delany. Oh, yes sir, it was an exciting night here in Virginia City. It all started when the Kid was over at the Silver Dollar Saloon…



The Doclopedia #57

Average Joes: Joe  Brown,  Tavernkeeper
Here ya go, matey, fresh off the boat from Jamaica today. That there rum’ll put a wind in yer sails fer sure! Oh yeah, it be a tad quiet in here now, but I expect that ’round sundown the ships’ll drop anchor and the Council O’ Captains will start their monthly meetin’. After that, things’ll get hoppin’ or I’ll kiss a barnacle!



The Doclopedia #58

Average Joes: Joe Hinkley, Barber
Me? Hey, I’m just the guy who gives shaves and haircuts. Yeah, I might hear sometin’ interesting now and then…sometimes some interesting mugs come in. Sell information? Me? Now whatever gave you that idea? Oh, Silky Sanchez? Yeah, ok, me an’ Silky go way back. If he sent ya, yer ok with me, brother. That heist over in Glendale? I might have heard somethin’. Why, hello, President Jackson!



The Doclopedia #59

Average Joes: Joe Babbage, Steambus Engineer

Yep, sonny, I’ve been running this old girl from the Bay Bridge to Daly City for the better part of 7 years now and you’ll not find a more reliable Steambus in all of the Bay Area! Why, even when they were installing the new zeppelin port, I kept this bus on time! Clockwork cabbies? Ha! I’ve seen them and I wasn’t impressed. No, the bus is still your best bet. 


The Doclopedia #60

Average Joes: Joe Lucas, Droid Repairman
Man, that is one banged up K5 unit you’ve got there. What happened to him? Did a Wookie play kickball with him? Yeah, sure, I’ll fix him up, unless you’d rather have a refurbished F9 or may a p2. Nope, don’t carry the R units anymore. Way too much damned trouble, those droids.


The Doclopedia #61

Average Joes: Joe Lee, Hot Dog Cart Operator 


The Food Network? Yer kiddin’, right? Yer not? Oh wow, wait’ll Muriel hears about this! My regulars? Well, Spidey, he likes a brat with mustard and relish. Batman? He’s a chili dog kinda guy…usually stops by early in the morning…great tipper, too. For Wolverine, I stock these habanero dogs. The Joker? Well, he likes the foot longs with lotsa kraut and…

The Doclopedia #62
Average Joes: Joe Standing Elk, Fishing Guide
Oh yes, my family has been fishing the Thames and it’s tributaries since about 1320…not long after we conquered Britain. Of course, some of my grandfathers (the Cherokees on my mother’s side) went on to fight the war in Austria, where they eventually settled. In fact, I have an Austrian cousin who works on a reservation near Rome. He tries his best to keep the white people healthy and sober, but it’s an uphill battle. Now let me show you this sweet new rod & reel we just got in…
The Doclopedia #63
Average Joes: Joe  Kolchak, Cab Driver
I’m tellin’ ya, Eddie, ya see some friggin’ strange shit on the late shift. The other night, I get commandeered by this FBI agent who tells me to follw some guy who’s on foot…and the guy outruns us! And then there was last Thursday, when I pick up this chick who got into my hack  with blonde hair, a really big rack and blue eyes…but when she gets out, she has grey eyes, short black punky hair and hardly any tits! I swear, some nights I wonder if I ain’t drivin’ in the Twilight Zone.