Chapter 102: In Which Our Hero Runs Afoul Of The Law, Trains A Duck To Waltz And Finally Beds Lucy

…it was a very clever duck

What I did on my birthday

well, for starters, I got up at 6 AM in the morning in order to be ready for my 8 AM appointment with my Orthopedist. He had some X rays taken of my fucked up right wrist and determined that…

A: When I injured it in the accident back in 1982, a bone fragment broke off and reattached itself in the wrong spot, thus limiting the hands mobility. Nothing can be done to fix this, but I’m ok with that.

B: The actual pain in my wrist has been caused by a cyst that presses on the nerves & muscles of the wrist joint. This can be fixed after I get an MRI done on it. I’m very happy to hear that.

C: In the doctors considered opinion, the previous doctors who, over the past 26 years, have blown me off on this wrist problem, were “nitwits.

After that medical fun, I headed off to the dermatologist to get my regular UVB irradiation, then spent a few hours visiting thrift stores looking for cheap books. Alas, I found but two that interested me: “Redwall” and a Sherlock Holmes/Dr. Moriarty novel, “The Infernal Device”.

For my birthday lunch, I hit the Thai Cottage on Howe Avenue for some very hot & spicy beef Pa Nang and some of the best Thai iced tea I’ve ever had. All for only $11.00 including tip.

After lunch, with a nice volcanic warmth in my belly and my tongue seared to about medium well done, I stopped by a couple of game stores. Unfortunately, with money being tight and most RPG products being a bit pricey for my tastes (to say nothing of being stuff I would not play), I bought nothing. Even the used games didn’t tempt me.

Next, I went home and walked The Girls. They were glad to see me after having been away for forever (AKA more than an hour). I checked my email, gave my sweet hound dogs a bite to eat, then headed off to pick up Grace from work. On the way home, we stopped by Fry’s to check out computer games and such, but bought nothing. Then, it was home for dinner, cake and ice cream.

All in all, not a bad birthday.

And now, off to work. More blogging later.

A Study Of The Drinking Habits Of The California Free Range Celtic White Boy

…it’s all very scientific

Ok, so I’m pretty drunk right now. But what the fuck, it’ll be my birthday in less than an hour. Unless things change alot overnight, I’ll be eating Thai food for my Birthday Lunch. I have no idea what else I’ll do, aside from going to see a doctor about my fucked up right wrist at 8:00 AM and then going for my regular Tuesday session in Dr. Yen’s Psoriasis Zapping UVB Booth From Hell. I might scour a few thrift stores for cheap books or I might check out some of the many local game stores.

Well, the alcohol is now gone, so it’s time for me to stagger off to bed. Besides, Winker wants to sleep in this chair.

More bloggage tomorrow.

The Ten Blue Budgies Cook Mexican Food

…and go a bit heavy on the chiles

Free Website Design Critiques

Hey, y’all, My Sweet Angel, Grace, AKA _lythande is trying to establish a little sideline business reviewing folks website designs. To start out, and earn some street cred, she’ll be doing some for free. And she’ll do company websites, too. Anyway, click on the link above to read more.


Never Turn Your Back On A Wet Winkerdog

…lest she try to climb onto your lap

As you might guess from the above, The Girls are now freshly washed and about 90% dry. They smell like wet dogs and vanilla scented shampoo.

And now, because I’m bored, the 50 Things meme.

1. Do you like blue cheese? Yep

2. Have you ever smoked heroin? Smoked it? No, and I’m pretty sure I’ve never met anybody who smoked it. Most folks shoot it. I snorted it. I have smoked opium, which is the base stuff of heroin.

3. Do you own a gun? Yes, but it’s not here at my home

4. Your favorite song? I have too many to make that choice

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Nope

6. What do you think of hot dogs? Good ones are great cuisine. And putting ketchup on a hot dog is a horrible perversion.

7. Favorite Christmas song? Hell, I dunno…Jingle Bells?

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Tea

9. Can you do push ups? Nope

10. Favorite body part (on yourself)? Internally? My brain. Externally? My legs.

11. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? The only one I have: My emerald ear stud that is my “wedding ring”

12. Favorite hobby? Sex

13. Do you put butter on your Movie popcorn? I don’t eat popcorn

14. Do you have A.D.D.? No, I just act like it because I’m a stubborn old fucker.

15. What one trait do you hate about yourself? My temper

16. Middle Name: Travis

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment: I’m hungry…that dog is screwy…it’s getting dark out

18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday: paperback books, food, gas

19. Name 3 things you drink on a regular basis. Milk, water, tea

20. Current worry right now? As it often is, money

21. Current hate right now? The vast stupid herds of the human race

22. Favorite place to be? Somewhere where it is summer

23. How did you bring in the New Year? I drank a beer while watching tv

24. Where would you like to go? Australia

25. Name three people who will complete this: I have no idea

26. Do you own slippers? Nope

27. What shirt are you wearing? Bright yellow t-shirt

28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? Nope, too slippery

29. Can you whistle? Yes, but not like I could before I had dentures

30. Favorite color? Green

31. Would you be a pirate? No, I’d be THE pirate!

32. What songs do you sing in the shower? Depends upon my mood. Today, it was “Crazy” by Willie Nelson

33. Favorite girl’s name? Poppy

34. Favorite boy’s name? Sam

35. What’s in your pocket right now? These gym shorts have no pockets

36. Last thing that made you laugh? The Girls

37. Best bed sheets as a child? That was 40+ years ago. I can’t remember.

38. Worst injury you’ve ever had? Painwise? Racking my nuts in a 30 MPH dirtbike wreck.

39. Do you love where you live? No

40. How many TVs do you have in your house? Two

41. Who is your loudest friend? I’ve never measured their volume.

42. How many dogs do you have? Two

43. Does someone have a crush on you? Of course. Most likely, many people do. I’m lovable and sexy.

45. What is your favorite book? I cannot choose.

46. What is your favorite candy? M&Ms

47. Favorite Sports Team? Team Gryffendor

48. What song do you want played at your funeral? I have a long list, but “Kashmir” by Led Zeppelin is at the top

49. What were you doing 12 AM last night? Goofing off online

50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? The same thing I think every morning: “Gotta pee”


Sneaking A Ride In a Truck Full Of Cattle

…from Barstow to San Diego, 1971

Doc Update

Yesterday was all about running hither and yon on errands with Grace. Part of our errands included stopping at a huge thrift store that has an equally huge book section. While there, I increased my paperback pulp collection with “Daughter of Fu Manchu” and “The Avenger #23: The Wilder Curse”. In a non-pulpy vein, I also picked up “Magical Beasts And Where To Find Them” and “Quidditch Through The Ages”. All of these were 50 cents each. My Sweet Angel bought a big bag of books, most of which relate to her further honing her computer technomancy skills.

Once the running about was done, we took The Girls to the now named “Jackrabbit Park”. It was fairly sunny and near 70 degrees, so it was good dog walking weather. While Grace strolled about with Winker, Daisy and I went in search of the wily hare that escaped us last time.

And, he escaped us this time, too. Primarily, this was done by him being about a quarter mile away from us when we finally spotted him. Despite my having Daisy on her 80′ long rope leash, she never even got close to her #2 Hated Enemy (#1 is still the insidious Baby Gate). When she was still 500 feet away from the longeared lout, he hauled ass into a thickly wooded creek area. Still, Daisy was not depressed by this turn of events, taking the advantage of her proximity to a pond to vigorously bark at several ducks.

We walked back to the car, vowing that we would return and be victorious in our efforts to give Ol’ Jack a serious ass whuppin’.

Last night was all about being lazy and watching movies of a magical bent. Said movies were “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” and “Practical Magic”. Later (like, 2AM for me) there was sleeping.

So far today, after a rather massive breakfast at Hometown Buffet, there has been some laziness. However, Grace has just left to buy groceries and I’m soon up to do laundry, so we may actually shake off our sluggishness…just in time to bath these two stinky hound dogs. After that, we may dabble in the exciting world of dishwashing and dinner cooking. The fun, she never stops.

Non-Violet Oriented Poll

Ok, Most Honored Readers, it’s time for a poll. Ya see, Tuesday is my birthday (#54 in a series) and, since I have taken the day off, I need to decide where to have my Annual Birthday Lunch. This year, I’ve decided to let you choose my dining destination.

Return Of The Red Metal Baby Toy

…and all along we thought it was dead

Behold! At long last, another Violet episode!

On The Road With Violet: In Which A Stealthy Approach Is Used And A Pig Is Underestimated

Under cover of the night, our band of brave rescuers slips out of the marsh and onto the fairly well cleaned up outskirts of the village.

“Right then, we all know what to do”, whispers Violet, “so, let’s get on with it. Good luck.”

With that, Violet and Ranger (for that was the Irish Setter’s name) set out for the Mayor’s house. Meanwhile, Lavender and Verity set off to free the prisoners while Jake and Nick go to deal with the guards set up around the turtle.

The pirates, according to Lavender, were still mostly laying low outside of town. With any luck, Our Heroes hope to be in the turtle and creeping up on the pirate ship before dawn.

The Mayor’s house is dark as Violet and Ranger approach it. As they wind through the rather extensive garden, Violet notices a light coming from a basement window. Moving closer, they stop behind a small juniper bush and try to get a look inside. After a moment, they see the mayor and another man step into view. They seem to be carrying a large metal object between them.

“That’s it, Ranger”, she tells the dog in hushed tones.

“Woof, woof”, he quietly replies.

“I’ve no idea”, says Violet, “but it must be something worth working on in secret late at night. Considering what a wanker that mayor is, it could well be some infernal machine.”

Ranger thinks for a moment and then says, “Ruff, woof, grrr.”

Violet nods. “I can see your point, mate. I reckon they’re all infernal machines to you.”

In the basement, it looks as though the mayor and his companion are attaching cables to the device they were carrying. Suddenly, many lights of different colors come on all over the basement and a low hum fills the air.

Meanwhile, across the village, Verity and Lavender have reached the building where Sir Rupert, Nigel and Hercules are being held. Two large men armed with shotguns are guarding the front door.

“So, Lavender, it looks like you are on”, Verity says, nodding towards the guards.

“Grunt, oink, grunt.”

Verity, who does not speak Swinish as well as Violet does, is pretty sure that Lavender has just told her she will hit them with a melon. However, before she can ask for clarification, Lavender trots off towards the guards.

Seeing the pig coming towards them, the guards (who are, if the truth be known, bored silly) begin making comments about her.

“Oi, Denny, it’s that pig again, the one what’s been wandering around for the last week”, says the guard with the big nose.

Looking at the young porker, Denny says, “I’ve been wondering where she got off to. Didn’t see her about all day today. Probably went off to sleep in the mud.”

The big nosed guard (whose name is Alf) chuckles.

“I expect she did just that. Filthy creatures, pigs. Stupid, too.”

As they laugh, Lavender begins to run around in a circle. Soon, she is running very fast.

“Would ya look at that. Bloody thing has gone off it’s nut”, Alf says.

After a few seconds, Lavender stops running, falls over on her side and, after some dramatic squealing and thrashing about, stops moving.

“Well would ya look at that”, says Denny, “she’s done keeled over dead.”

Stepping forward, Denny bends down to get a closer look. After poking Lavender with his finger, he is about to pronounce her dead when, suddenly, the young sow leaps to her feet and bites him square in the crotch.

Giving forth a high pitched scream that would do any young girl proud, Denny drops his gun and begins trying to pry the pigs jaws loose. Behind him, Alf sets his gun aside and picks up a rock.

“Hang on there, Denny, I’ll get her off ya with…” His sentence is cut short as he falls face first to the ground.

“…a rock to the head?”, Verity says from behind him, hefting her own rock.

Seeing that Verity has done her part, Lavender lets go of Denny’s family jewels. Denny falls over on his side and curls into a fetal position, gasping for air and crying.

After taking the keys off Alf, Verity opens the door to the jail and within minutes, has the boys free of their confinement. A bit of introduction is done and then Hercules and Sir Rupert set off for the turtle, while Verity, Nigel and Lavender head out to lend Violet and Ranger a hand.

Dr. Tachyon Comes To Dinner

…once he returned from Takis, of course

Quick Stuff

Heath Ledger Is Dead: Looks as tho it was an accidental overdose. Tragic. He was a fine actor. His death will make watching The Dark Knight a bittersweet experience.

Life After People: Watched and very much enjoyed this show on History Channel. Folks, most of the manmade stuff we see around us will be lucky to last 300 years after we are gone. Hey, dogs, rats, mice & cockroaches: it will suck to be you for the first couple of years. You won’t die off, but you’ll never see your former glory. Cats & pigeons: You do ok. Farm & zoo animals (except, of course, pigs): You are probably severely screwed. Wild animals: The world is your oyster. I may write more about all this later, as the whole concept has many implications for post-apocalypse roleplaying.

The Weather: It is our cold & rainy season here in the Golden State. Have I mentioned lately that I hate cold & rain? Even worse, my annual fix of gardening porn (aka seed/nursery catalogs) is arriving daily (both in dead tree and digital forms) and my gardening lust is building up. Soon, when the weather warms and dries out a bit, I shall descend upon my garden armed with veggie transplants and (as Arlo Guthrie called them) implements of destruction. Soon, my pole beans shall tower into the sky…my tomatoes shall loom large on the horizon…my chiles shall rule the world….BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Err…sorry about that…got a bit caught up there…I think I’ll head off to work now.