Subjectivity 2007

…and all in one huge post, too

(Note: This year, I’m leaving out my comments on individual entries. This has taken me long enough to do. However, if you have any questions on a given entry (or entries), just ask.)

MOSTLY PURPLE PATTY

One day, back in 2006, I thought “why not make today’s subject line sound like a children’s book title?”. Thus was born Mostly Purple Patty. In 2007, she appeared at least once a month. So far, she’s appeared once in 2008. I like her.

The Humorously Frightening Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Ugly Walrus
The Wonderful, Yet Mysteriously Haunting Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Pig Who Ate Cheese
The Endearing, Yet Rather Twisted, Tale Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Giant Lemon Cake
The Touchingly Goofy Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Little Boy Who Painted Cows
The Wildly Funny, Yet Somewhat Erotic, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Very Comfortable Panties
The Wackily Funny, Yet Somewhat Disturbing, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Trip To GenCon
The Very Humorous Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Baboon Who Juggled Eggs
The Profoundly Silly Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Dalek Invasion Of Willows, California
The Very Creepy, Yet Surprisingly Romantic, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Halloween House
The Heartwarming, Yet Politically Incorrect, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Happy Kitten
The Action Packed, Yet Sweetly Innocent, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Orange Rabbit
The Heartwarming Holiday Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Temple Of Screaming Madness
The Holly Jolly Christmas-y, Yet Kinky & Perverse, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Santa Clones

THE INSTRUCTION MANUALS

I’m not sure what prompted me to start writing these. Could be I saw some self help book or something.

The Nine Ways To Catch A Hippo
The Five Things That Make Women Crazy
The 5 Secrets To Being a Thief
The Fourteen Secrets For Becoming Comfortably Numb
The 75 Ways To Avoid Becoming A Zombie
The 9 Secrets Of How To Milk A Moose
The 5 Ways To Hypnotize A Woodchuck
The 51 Secrets To Being Too Cool
The 17 Ways To Make Cosmic Cookies

POTAWANGO ISLAND

As I’ve explained in the past, Potawango Island is where all of the creature names I call Grace (as in My Sweet Little Blue Tufted Arrow Frog Of Passion) come from.

The Rare And Deadly Turtlesquid Of Potawango Island
The Rare And Beautiful Neon Abalone Of Potawango Island
The Rare And Beautiful Three Tailed Anteater Of Potawango Island
The Rare And Beautiful Farting Marmoset Of Potawango Island
The Rare and Beautiful Bouncing Whales Of Potawango Island
The Rare And Colorful Pudgy Headed Chipmunks Of Potawango Island
The Rare And Beautiful Flying Mudworms Of Potawango Island
The Rare And Beautiful Five Horned Pygmy Swamp Elk Of Potawango Island

DOC/DOCTOR TEMPEST

Doc Tempest and his Victorian Steampunk ancestor, Doctor Tempest, are alter egos of mine.

The Thrilling Adventures Of Doctor Tempest Versus The Zombie Lord
The Astounding Adventures Of Doctor Tempest In The City Of Demons
Doc Tempest And The Comet Creatures
The Startling Adventures Of Doctor Tempest And The Army Of The Dead
Doc Tempest VS The Pleasure Droids
Doc Tempest And The Unkillable Beast
The Fantastic Adventure Of Doctor Tempest Versus The Dragon Sorceror
Doc Tempest And The Prehistoric Peril
Doc Tempest And The Invisible World
Doc Tempest VS Hell On Wheels
The Incredible Adventures Of Doctor Tempest In The Land Of The Eyeless Men
Doc Tempest And The Mystery Of The Jade Jackal

THE HORTICULTURAL WHORE

When I write about my gardening adventures, I call myself The Horticultural Whore.

The Horticultural Whore Freezes Up
The Horticultural Whore Is Getting Restless
The Horticultural Whore Turned His Shoes Green
The Horticultural Whore Attempts Suicide By Garden
The Horticultural Whore Adds It Up
The Horticultural Whore Gets His Ass Kicked
The Horticultural Whore Can Dig It, Baby!
The Horticultural Whore Goes To War

RECURRING CHARACTERS

These, along with the above characters, have been popping up in my blogs for years. Some may phase out in 2008, some may not.

Bucky & Squint Enter The Amazon
Bucky & Squint Meet The Hernandez Sisters
Harry Potter And The Horny House Elves
Harry Potter And The Buggering Broomstick
The Kitty Cats Buy A Home In The Suburbs
The Kitty Cats Go Undercover
The Kitty Cats Go Surfing
The Kitty Cats Get Into Big Trouble
The 10 Blue Budgies Come Home
The Ten Blue Budgies Escape From Prison
The 10 Blue Budgies Start A Business
Mrs. Wangdoodle Gets Lost In The Jungle
Mrs. Wangdoodle: Jedi Master
Mrs. Wangdoodle Sticks It To The Man
Mrs. Wangdoodle Gets A Job As A Fluff Girl
Sally Smithfield Builds A Warp Drive

BASSET HOUNDS CONQUER THE WORLD

I love all dogs, but Basset Hounds are my faves. Most of these were inspired by Daisy and Winker.

Sleeping Hounds Seldom Howl
All The Best Dogs Have Chinese Eyes
The Mystery Of The One Eyed Dog And Her Older Sister
Las Dos Basset Hounds Contra Las Gatitas Diablos
Classic Motown, Pig Ears, Miss Daisy And The Winkerdog
Sympathy For The Basset
The Winkerdog Strikes Back

REAL LIFE

All of these are some reference to my real life, either on the day it was written or back in My Wild and Misspent Youth.

Urgh!
A Long Night In The City Of Fog
Kelly The Rodeo Clown
The Girl With The Smile And The Guy With The Grin
Not Quite Your Usual Suburban Mom
Wine Gets Mellow And Gains Character, Cheese Gets Stronger And Smellier
Pieboy Goes To Castro Street
Eddie The Gimp’s Last Big Deal
The Sweetest Dominatrix In Fair Oaks, California
The Halloween Party That Ate San Jose
I No Longer Wear The Evil Bandana
Screwing The Security Guard Was Worth An Extra 5%
I Was A Teenage Sneeze Factory
Thank You For Dancing With All Of Us Fat Girls
Aaaaaah….Wham Bam Thank Ya, Ma’am!
Naked Coed Hot Tub Roleplaying Sessions With The California Kid
The Tender Little Brunette Wore Thigh High Boots
He Was Searching For A Danger Girl
The Explosion Was Not My Fault
A Wonderfully Mad Outlook On Life
The Secret Meadow Of The Nekkid Hippies
The Dangerous Arrangement With The Man From Paris
The Great High Speed Downhill No Brakes Disintegrating Wagon Ride
Doing The Cruise Night Beer Toss
A Tender Nibble To The Inner Thigh
A Sweating, Twitchy, Semi-conscious Mass Of Post Orgasmic Femininity
3:15 In The Morning And The City Was Fogged In
Kissing On The Golden Gate Bridge In The Fog
Oh, Baby, You Know You Love The Portuguese Prince
A Foggy Midnight In Bakersfield
Transforming Jessie Into Jessica
Pieboy Got A New Coat Of Paint
The Free Range Celtic White Boy Goes To Rio
She Was Only a Plaster Caster In Spirit
So We Put It In A Box And Mailed It To Russia
Watch Out For The Freaky Swedish Dude
In The Warm Darkness Of Night, The Midnight Creeper Hits His Stride
The Hottest Sexy Road Trip Ever
The Night We Fell Through A Tree
Never Piss Off The Lady Holding The Rope
The Queen Of The Redwood Jungle
The California Kid And Spider Go On A Road Trip
He Blinded Me With Science
All Hail The Queen Of Aslin Way!
I Was There When Billy Shot The Sun
Not About To Make Nice Anytime Soon
A Lady That Can Get The Job Done
We Shouldn’t Have Taken The Giant Rabbit
They Were Lost In The Great Wide Open

CATS, DOGS, MICE

I think I first wrote a Dogs-Cats-Mice subject back in 2004. This year, a snake snuck in once. Must have eaten the mice.

Dogs Cooking Dinner, Cats Mixing Drinks, Mice Playing Jazz
Stainless Steel Dogs, Titanium Cats, Carbon Nanotube Mice
Klingon Cats, Vulcan Mice, Betazoid Dogs
Opal Cats, Ivory Dogs, Jade Snakes

STRANGE FOOD

Food, like animals, pops up a lot. Of course, some of these dishes probably shouldn’t be eaten.

Mouseburgers
Sponge Cake Golem
Yeti Meat Sandwich
“What The Fuck Do You Mean “Beer Is Not A Food Group”?
A Fine Pig’s Milk Cheese
Milkbeer
Pickled Fernwinkels
Them Chocolate Dipped Box Jellyfish Is Good Eatin’

SMELLS LIKE ANIME SPIRIT

Some subjects sound all Japanesey.

Super Nano Warrior Zuki
Robot Duck Girl Higami
Silver Metal Dolphin Warriors
Electric Witch Princess Suki
Super Meerkat Justice Squad

BOOK/SONG/MOVIE TITLES

A goodly number of subjects come off all literary/musical/cinematic.

Walter The Zebra Goes To The Big City
Big Jim And The Sporting Ladies
The Secret World Of The Hit Squad Moms
Junkyard Rebellion
My Life Among The Civilized People
Songs For Good Dogs
The Kosher Dill Pickle That Ate Los Angeles
Mucking About With The Spacetime Continuum
The Adventures Of Captain Chipmunk
Tea Time With Uncle Satan
Why I Love Fog
Thunderboy And The Agents Of Madness
Warm Thunder
The Rocketgirls From Venus VS King Octopus
My Years In The Giant Mecha Army
Scorpion Girl And The Invasion From Jupiter
Weather The Cuckoo Likes: The Musical
Gidget Goes Apeshit
The Robot Pirates Versus The Ninja Zombies On A Zeppelin In Dinosaur Land
The Adventure Of The Evil Sock Puppets
Junior Muskrat Goes To The Big City
The Story Of The Fair Maiden And Lusty Lumberjack
Naughty Canary Songs
The Story Of The Littlest Elf And How He Blackmailed Santa
On The Subject Of Golden Haired Faeries
The Second To Last Supper

OUT OF MY HEAD

As I have said before, my imagination never shuts off. It also ranges into some pretty fucking strange areas.

Grabbing Possums As They Fly By
Squishy Yellow Eyeball Bugs
Wandering In The Dreamhills
Red Cat Scream
Deep Fried Xenomorphs
Riding Through The City Of Sorrows
Dreaming Of Macaws And Pork Fried Rice
Dancing On An Event Horizon
Shot Through The Heart With .45 Caliber Love
Chasing An Alligator Up A Tree
The Doors In My Head Resist Slamming
Harold Liked The Zoomy Girls
Monsters Of Peace And Love
The Flying Skunkpigs Attack Again
Big Yellow Eyed Spooky Guys
Ugly As A Bucket Full Of Mud
Sneaking Up On The Queen Of Clowns
It Was Hot In The Rock & Roll Jungle
Squeaky Clean Evil Gamemasters
Seaweed Passion
Antimatter Just Like Mom Used To Make
Undead Jackalopes Frightened My Donkey
The Fruit Train Is On Schedule
Putting A Positive Spin On Doomsday
I Did My Xmas Shopping In Knockturn Alley
Taking A Flying Leap Into The Future

DISTURBING VISIONS

This year, I kept coming up with rather creepy stuff. Must have been something I ate.

The Land Where Kittens Eat Your Flesh And Puppies Drive You Mad
The Synthetic People Will Eat Your Face
The Land Where Babies Play With Eyeballs And Old People Crawl On Walls
Something Is Waiting In The Fairy Tale House
Don’t Look At The Mirror Faced People

WORDPLAY

Several times, I just kinda went nutty with words.

Mice With Lice Eating Rice On Ice
Violent Violet Violins
Polygon, But Polly Be Back Someday
Bats Wearing Hats And Rats Wearing Spats Shooting Gats At Cats
Bugs On Drugs Under Rugs Giving Hugs To Slugs Who Are Thugs
Pogundamaguna
Hoozonfurst?
Frogdog Bloglog
Zeeba Zabba Zeedlybop

IT’S ALL FUN AND GAMES

This lot came about from something a newscaster said on tv one night.

It’s All Fun And Games Until Someone Gets Stabbed In The Spleen
It’s All Fun And Games Until Somebody Gets Covered In Cold Fondue
It’s All Fun And Games Until Somebody Gets A D4 In The Eye
It’s All Fun And Games Until Your Face Explodes

CHAPTERS

These are fun to invent. Expect more this year.

Chapter 27: In Which Our Hero Escapes Death, Foils An Evil Plot And Beds The Widow Addams
Chapter 3: In Which Our Hero Seduces The Countess And Then Eats A Hearty Breakfast
Chapter 81: In Which Our Hero Steals A Ship, Becomes A Pirate And Teaches A Parrot Rude Phrases

NEW FRIENDS

I’m always on the lookout for new recurring characters. You will no doubt see more of them in 2008.

Perilous Times For Dr. Silkmelon
The Love Lives Of The Chowder Elves
The Chowder Gnomes Build An Airplane
The Dirty Dreams Of Mr. Porkwaffle
Mr. Porkwaffle Goes To The Fair
The Flying Spanaducci Sisters
The New Adventures Of The Cupcake Faeries

SAGE ADVICE

These all sounded like pretty good advice…the kind you might get from your mom. If, you know, she was kinda strange.

If You Don’t Grab Life By The Balls, Life Will Grab You By The Throat
Don’t Stare At The Wild Prunes
With Great Power Comes Great Utility Bills
Beware Of Buttsnakes!
Sex Lesson #3: If You Have To Ask, Then She Didn’t
Never Put A Sweater On A Goose
Dead Hamsters Don’t Bounce
Cats Who Rob Banks Never Leave A Clue
The Dreamtime Will Not Be Televised
Kill All Of The Evil Penguins

ANIMALS

Animals are always a big part of my life, so why should it be any different here in blogland?

Sleepy Frogs
Elephant On A Minibike
Rowdy Owls
Bonky, The Cartoon Skunk
Groovy Golden Gophers
One Sad Kinkajou
Wicked Turtles Shot My Baby Down
Cow Things
Frozen Vultures
FooFoo, The Happy Marmot
Cobras In The Water Closet
The Quiet Ducks Taste Best
Zany Wharf Rats
Alice, The Flying Orangutan
The Dangerous Dormice
The Rat Brothers Paint A House
Ten Crazy Dog Moments
Turtle Racing News
Lightly Pounded Snakes
Winslow The Hedgehog Needs A Mate
Attack Of The Pygmy Parrots
The Secret Mouse Invasion
Happy Little Dinosaurs
Braiding Snakes
Sacred Lizard
Whack That Beaver With A Frozen Mop
Squeaky Little Gerbil People

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2 comments on “Subjectivity 2007

  1. When you read them altogether like that you get a very weird (but probably accurate) impression of your mind.
    I particularly enjoyed the Chapters and Dr. Silkmelon and The Flying Spanaducci Sisters of the new characters. Long may they fly.

  2. flwyd says:

    The 9 Secrets Of How To Milk A Moose. This reminds me of one of my favorite short films, The Fatal Glass of Beer starring W. C. Fields.
    The Second To Last Supper has all kinds of possibilities. You could use it as a citation source for random quips. As Jesus said in the second to last supper, “No man may enter heaven unless he has first passed a stone.” And before that was the antepenultimate supper…
    I added Polygon, Great Power, Sex Lesson, and Dreamtime to my random signature quotes file because they rock so much.

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