Captain Redbeard Versus The Army Of Neat & Tidy Robots

…a thrilling tale of action, adventure and good hygiene

Ok, so I’ve got another Poll Based RPG Experiment in my head. This time, it’s all about populating a village. So anyway, here goes…(it should be pretty self explanatory, at least in this early part)

Join me in my madness

The Rare And Beautiful Yellow Crested Horny Moose Of Potawango Island

…under no circumstances must you bend over if horny moose are about (not applicable to Canadians)

I just posted this on RPGnet…

Originally Posted by Lazarus: That said… the Savage World of Alton Brown.

Hmmm…that one could work…

Alton roams the country on his big bad motorcycle…accompanied by the American Iron Chefs…backed up by various food scientists back at Good Eats HQ…armed with a dizzying array of multitasking devices…fighting the Forces of Food Snobbery with good equipment, solid science, careful preperation and some serious asskicking.

Yeah, I’d play that game.

Curse me for a fool, because now I really want to run this game for some Alton Brown fans.
Aside for muskrat_john: If you think the above premise would make for a good cartoon or two, by all means, run with it.

A Very Strange Dream

I dreamed last night that I went to a strange high tech tattoo parlor and got my johnson tattooed with a really cool tie dye pattern. Enforcing the fact that it was a dream was Grace (who is pretty anti-tattoo where I’m concerned) saying how nice it looked. When I woke up, my first thought was “Man, I need to tell Spike about that place”. (and now, all of you who know Spike Y Jones are laughing:)

More bloggage later.

Blue Goats

…but not clinically depressed goats


1: So, walking meltdown John McCain decided to “suspend” his presidential campaign to rush back to Washington and help stave off our imminent economic collapse. That is, if by “rush” you mean stay in New York long enough to do an interview with Katie Couric and then appear at the Clinton Initiative thing today. Come on, McBush, just fucking admit that you are A: afraid to debate Mr. Obama B: REALLY afraid to have that skank Palin debate Joe Biden C: unable to do two things at once D: melting down.

2: I got the October issue of Alarums & Excursions yesterday and it is issue #397. That means the January issue will be #400. I really need to get a zine into that one.

3: I’ve been watching the new series Fringe and I’m finding it rather boring. It’s like X-Files with a more coherent (and more predictable) conspiracy, much less interesting protagonists (except the crazy scientist dude, who is a hoot) and no cool mutants/supernatural shit. Maybe I’d like it better if I worshipped at the Church of J.J. Abrams, but I don’t. I may or may not watch any more episodes.

4: The bigass 2 hour premiere of Heroes was good, but seemed in many ways like a retread of season 1. I mean, saving the world from destruction is all well and good, but how about just having a good old superhero vs supervillain slugfest for a few episodes? And the time travel thing? Officially over done. Oh, and how about having just one person, good or evil, die and FUCKING STAY DEAD? I will watch this season all the way thru, but unless things get really interesting and fresh, I may nor return for season 4.

The First Church Of The Winkerdog

…featuring hot dog flavored communion wafers and holy gravy

Game Session Report

On Sunday, we gathered round ye olde gaming table and played the second session of 200 Years After and things went well. Below, a few of the high points.

1: All 5 of the PCs went down the tunnel that was found in the Crazy Old Man’s underground hideout.

2: Said tunnel was a manmade affair carved out of/built into natural caverns. It eventually (after about 15-18 miles) lead to a huge (10 miles X 8 Miles) cavern lit by sunlight coming thru a bunch of huge crystals in the ceiling.

3: The bowl shaped cavern had forests, rivers, lakes and human villages.

4: The party returned to the surface to get more supplies and finds that the Crazy Old Man has escaped from where they left him.

5: The party splits up! The Adventurer and the Scholar set out to find (A) the crystal formation above the huge cavern (B) the spot where an underground river emerges from the cavern, in case the others need to escape via that route.

6: The Crazy Old Man seals the entrance to the tunnel just after the Mage, the Gnome Engineer and the Sailor enter it. They proceed to the cavern and then hide in the woods near the largest town, so as to observe the people who live there.

7: The Adventurer and Scholar find the surface end of the crystals, since they cover the top of a nearby mountain top.

8: The underground PCs…
Decide to sneak into town after dark, minus the Sailor, who at 6’2″ tall is WAY too tall to pass for native.
Manage to sneak into the palace during a nighttime event in which a light appears in the sky (caused by the Adventurer and Scholar building their campfire in a small cave amidst the crystals on the surface)
Do some looting of the palace library and a princesses jewelry box
The Sailor, while hiding in a cornfield) meets a Gnome Explorer who has been in this underground world for 3 years, hiding and studying the inhabitants
Sucessfully escape from the palace in a damned close run bit of scurrying and hiding
Find out that these undergrounders are a remnant of the Old Empire who capture abovegrounders for breeding purposes
Decide to haul ass out of this place after the go to a forest hiding spot near the Breeding Compound.
The Mage said she would not try to free the breeder slaves, but no one believes her
Start building a boat to ride down the underground river

9: Meanwhile, the aboveground PCs…
Encounter small “crystal crabs” that emerge at night and go downhill to eat plants
Both have the exact same dream of a ghostly young hottie babe asking them to bring their friends to her village, which seems to be far to the south
Depart in search of the river’s emergence point, and find it.
Start building a boat they can use to rescue their friends once they emerge from the 75′ waterfall shooting out the side of a mountain
Encounter a very friendly 7’2″ tall hunter/explorer named Bord. He tells them much of where he lives (to the south/southwest) and helps them finish their boat.

We ended with the aboveground PCs sitting down to wait for their friends and the underground PCs nearly finished with their dugout canoe. And with the Mage still eyeing that Breeding Compound.

All told, a fine and fun session.

About this series

My overall plans for this gaming world will see each year covering a period of time 200 years after the previous chapter. Thus, next year we’ll be playing 400 Years After, with different PCs in a world with more refined magic, many more monsters/magical creatures, more civilizations, more sentient races and a much different politacal map layout. If we keep playing for, oh, 15 years, we will eventually come to the fading away of magic in the world and the start of a whole new type of civilization. I doubt we’ll play for 15 years, so I might increase the time spread of chapters to 500 years. We shall see

Now, off to wash dishes, laundry & dogs before I get out in the garden.

Confessions Of A Used Turtle Salesman

…143 weeks on the New York Times Worst Seller List

Ok…I saw this halfwitted meme over on cappadocius LJ and decided to give my answers.

The Controversial (if you are a fucking moron) Survey

[01] Do you have the guts to answer these questions and re-post as The Controversial Survey?

Well, considering that I’m doing it, yes.

[02] Would you do meth if it was legalized?

Child, I tried meth before your mama grew her tits. Once. No, I would NOT do it if it were legalized. HOWEVER, I would support its legalization, since that would lead to many stupid people dying at an early age.

[03] Abortion: for or against it?

I’m for it. In fact, for many of the worthless people (white trash, racists of all colors, multi-genrational welfare scammers, neocons, Holocaust deniers, 99% of the alleged “religious right”, really stupid people) in the world, I’m in favor of making it retroactive.

[04] Do you think the world would fail with a female president?

The “world” does not have a president at all, you dipshit. As to a female American president, I ask you: How could she possibly fuck things up worse than Bush has? Well, unless she was a Republican.

[05] Do you believe in the death penalty?

YES! Oh, HELL YES! In fact, I think it should be extended to child molesters, drug pushers, crooked politicians, the motherfuckers who run the RIAA, neocons and people who truly give a shit about Paris Hilton or Britney Spears.

[06] Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already?

Yep, altho I wouldn’t be using it. I always preferred hasish anyway.

[07] Are you for or against premarital sex?

I’m for it. And the during marriage sex is pretty damned good, too. Can’t speak about the after marriage sex, since I’d rather have my dick fall off than screw my ex-wife.

[08] Do you believe in God?

If you mean the God of Christianity/Judaism/Islam, then no. The whole big invisible man in the sky concept doesn’t fly with me. I do, however, find myself hoping that either Coyote or the Flying Spaghetti Monster are real. That would be cool.

[09] Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized?

Yes, because marriage in the United States is a legal contract and has no ties with religion unless the two people involved want it to. My wife and I (a former Catholic and a die hard agnostic, respectively) were married by a justice of the peace, not a preacher. Religion never entered the picture.

[10] Do you think it’s wrong that so many Hispanics are illegally moving to the USA?

Yep and I think we ought to just annex Mexico and toss out their crooked piece of shit government. Oh, by the way, did you know that in Mexico, they have a huge problem with those damned illegal Guatamalans taking their jobs?

[11] A twelve year old girl has a baby, should she keep it?

Probably not, but then, the motherfucker who knocked her up should be shot if he’s more than 4 years her senior. By the way, I also don’t think MOST people should breed. 6 billion is way too many people.

[12] Should the alcohol age be lowered to eighteen?

Yes. Old enough to serve in the military, old enough to drink legally.

[13] Should the war in Iraq be called off?

Called off? You stupid fuck.
Now, should we pull out and tell the whole Middle East to fuck off? Yes.

[14] Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree?

No. I think death with dignity is a person’s right.
I’m also pretty much in favor of assisted homicide, if the target is one of the many useless/crooked scum I’ve listed earlier.

[15] Do you believe in spanking your children?

If I had children, maybe. Do I believe in spanking willing women who ask very nicely for a spanking? Maybe:)

[16] Would you burn an American flag for a million dollars?

For a million bucks, I’d snap your neck like a dry twig, fool. Burning the flag would be no problem.

[17] Who do you think would make a better president? McCain or Obama?

Mr. Obama, because he’s not an ancient serial adulterer.

[18] Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers?

If anybody wants to judge me, I can’t stop them. Fuck ’em all.

They Arrived Just In Time For The Monkfish Festival

…and stayed until after the big Dung Fair

Oy, I haven’t been Mr. post-O-matic lately, have I? Well, here is some new stuff, in the form of Open Letters.

Dear Fall,

I know you’re feeling a bit put out with me, seeing as how in the past I’ve let my bitter hatred of Winter taint our relationship. I’m sorry about that. You’re not all that bad, really. After all, now that you are here, I can grow spinach again, as well as other tasty veggies. I can take Daisy on long walks during the middle of the day without worrying about her suffering from the heat. You start killing off some of my Hated Enemy, the Weeds, and you chase away many bad bugs.

All told, you’re OK, Fall. Pity you can’t just segue straight into Spring.

Best wishes for unseasonable warmth,


Mr. Bush and Mr. Cheney,

Just a reminder that I want to see you two impeached, tried and sent to jail for the rest of your miserable fucking lives.

Hoping you get cancer,

A Proud Liberal Veteran

Dear Mr. Obama,

Seeing as how your first debate with McCain is coming up, I just thought I’d give you a few suggestions.

1: Hammer the shit out of him on his past voting record regarding the armed forces and veterans.
2: Keep reminding everyone that he (via his wife’s millions) is a rich elitist out of touch old fart.
3: Try to get him to lose his temper. This would serve the dual purpose of having him do your work for you, plus supplying a comedy goldmine for late night/Comedy Central talk show hosts. Bonus points (and bonus votes) if you can get him mad enough to call you “nigger”, “coon” or “boy”.
4: Have a “slip of the tongue” once or twice and call him “Mr. Bush”.
5: Use his piss poor understanding of the economy to bitchslap him all over that stage.
6: Do everything you can to reinforce the reasons many Republicans won’t be voting for him. Mostly, this should involve praising him for all of those times he’s sided with the Democrats.

Wishing you the best of luck,

One of your supporters

More Bloggage Later

The Horticultural Whore Set Sail For The Spanish Main

…on his ship, “The Cruel Cuttlefish”

Yarr, ye salty sons o’ sea lions! Today be Talk Like A Pirate Day and I been tryin’ me best ta get First Mate Daisy an’ Bosun Winker inta the spirit. They’s a couple of ol’ seadogs, dontcha know. Earlier t’day, when we was all rovin’ about the garden, lookin’ fer weeds ta cut and fat Spanish merchant ships ta loot, th’ two o’ them was barkin’ like pirates at the scurvy French sissydog what went walkin’ by wit’ ‘is mistress…a fine and buxom young Spanish lass, if I do say so meself. And I do, ya lot o’ codfish kissin’ deck scrubbers!

Anyways, I put in 3 hours sailin’ the weedy waves, wit’ time out ta tend to me neighbors terrier buccaneers. Then it were inside fer me so’s I could eat me some grub and parlay wit’ th’ Dread Pirate Grace, Queen O’ The Seven Seas on trh’ tellyphone.

Well, boil me fer a crab if’n it ain’t time to shove off fer more horticultural hijinx. Fair sailin’, maties, and keep a weather eye out fer other pirates…or Republicans, as the case may be.