Thrilling Moose Stories

…it’s a big seller in Canada

So far, my Saturday has been all about walking and waiting. drive car to dealers for a brake job/check up…walk the mile home…wait a couple hours for bank to open…walk the 1/2 mile to bus stop…get to bank, deposit check, then wait while they try to figure out why our online bill pay is acting goofy…wait for bus…walk another 1/2 mile home…wait for dealer to call telling me car is ready, then I’ll have to walk the mile to the dealer again.

Curse this exciting, fast paced life I lead!

The Kitty Cats Star In A Reality Show

…on the cat channel

Stuff!

1: I missed the deadline for this months A&E because…well, because I’m a dummy.

2: I now have the outlines/partially written manuscripts for 10 writing projects sitting in front of me. Some of them are about 5 years old, while some are from this last weekend. I’ll be having Grace lock me up in my writing cage every night this week after I get home from work. We’ll see what comes of it.

3:Still not 100% sure what my GMing status is at ConquestSac. The website hadn’t noted any changes the last time I checked.

4: Looks like lotsa rain for NorCal this next week or so. That can only mean that
Spring is near and soon the gardeners will begin their annual migration outside.

The Art And Science Of Dog Bathing

…basset hound edition

Just got done giving Winker her monthly bath. I’m glad she likes to get baths, cos Daisy hated them and Roscoe would look like he was getting tortured.

More Foods I’ve Eaten

This can be added to yesterdays meme. Just put an X by the things you’ve eaten, etc, etc.

Elk Jerky
Bear
Huckleberry Jam
Chile Rellenos
Cuban Sandwich
Ceviche
Bouillabase
Pirogies
Adobo (chicken or pork)
Pancit
Limpets
Porcupine
Duck Confit
Memphis Barbecue
Kansas City Barbecue
Kiwi (the fruit, not the bird or the New Zealand native)
Bison
Opossum
Pheasant
Quail
Carne Asada
Tacos al Pastor
Country Fried Steak
Biscuits & Gravy
Redeye Gravy
Iguana
Rat
Monkey
Fruit Bat/Flying Fox
Smoked Herring
Pickled Herring
Crawdads
Oyster Po’Boy
Fried Okra
Escargot
Balut
Scotch Eggs
Turtle Soup
Squirrel
Raccoon
Octopus
Shark
Birds Nest Soup
Dog
Cat
Pine Nuts/Pignolas
Pickled Pigs Feet
Kimchee
Fish Sauce
Lutefisk (one of the nastier things I’ve ever eaten)
Jambalaya
Chicarrones/Pork Rinds
Red Velvet Cake
Ham Hocks & Beans
Red Beans & Rice
Arroz con Pollo
Pecan Pie
Duck Sausage
Fried Ravioli
Poi
Loco Moco
Spam Sushi

Pixies Come To Deathtown

…originally, the other way ’round, but this is funnier

MEME TIME!

1) Create a new note and copy this list, including these instructions.
2) X all the items you’ve eaten.
3) Cross out any items that you would never consider eating. (Hah! As if.)

(x) 1. Venison
(x) 2. Nettle tea
(x) 3. Huevos rancheros
(x) 4. Steak tartare
( ) 5. Crocodile
( ) 6. Black pudding
(x) 7. Cheese fondue
(x) 8. Carp
(x) 9. Borscht
(x) 10. Baba ghanoush
(x) 11. Calamari
(x) 12. Pho
(x) 13. PB&J sandwich
( ) 14. Aloo gobi
(x) 15. Hot dog from a street cart
( ) 16. Epoisses
(x) 17. Black truffle
(x) 18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
(x) 19. Steamed pork buns
(x) 20. Pistachio ice cream
(x) 21. Heirloom tomatoes
(x) 22. Fresh wild berries
(x) 23. Foie gras
(x) 24. Rice and beans
(x) 25. Brawn, or head cheese
(x) 26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper
(x) 27. Dulce de leche
(x) 28. Oysters
(x) 29. Baklava
( ) 30. Bagna cauda
(x) 31. Wasabi peas
(x) 32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
( ) 33. Salted lassi
(x) 34. Sauerkraut
(x) 35. Root beer float
(x) 36. Cognac (bonus if with a fat cigar)
( ) 37. Clotted cream tea
(x) 38. Vodka jelly/Jell-O
(x) 39. Gumbo
(x) 40. Oxtail
(x) 41. Curried goat
(x) 42. Whole insects
( ) 43. Phaal
(x) 44. Goat’s milk
(x) 45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more
( ) 46. Fugu
(x) 47. Chicken tikka masala
(x) 48. Eel
(x) 49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut
(x) 50. Sea urchin
(x) 51. Prickly pear
(x) 52. Umeboshi
(x) 53. Abalone
(x) 54. Paneer
(x) 55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal
(x) 56. Spaetzle
(x) 57. Dirty gin martini
(x) 58. Beer above 8% ABV
( ) 59. Poutine
(x) 60. Carob chips
(x) 61. S’mores
(x) 62. Sweetbreads
( ) 63. Kaolin
( ) 64. Currywurst
(x) 65. Durian
(x) 66. Frogs’ legs
(x) 67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears, or funnel cake
( ) 68. Haggis
(x) 69. Fried plantain
(x) 70. Chitterlings, or andouillette
(x) 71. Gazpacho
(x) 72. Caviar and blini
( ) 73. Louche absinthe
( ) 74. Gjetost, or brunost
( ) 75. Roadkill
( ) 76. Baijiu
(x) 77. Hostess Fruit Pie
(x) 78. Snail
(x) 79. Lapsang souchong
( ) 80. Bellini
(x) 81. Tom yum
(x) 82. Eggs Benedict
(x) 83. Pocky
( ) 84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant
(x) 85. Kobe beef
(x) 86. Hare
(x) 87. Goulash
(x) 88. Edible_flowers
( ) 89. Horse
( ) 90. Criollo chocolate
(x) 91. Spam
(x) 92. Soft shell crab
( ) 93. Rose harissa
(x) 94. Catfish
(x) 95. Mole poblano
(x) 96. Bagel and lox
(x) 97. Lobster Thermidor
(x) 98. Polenta
( ) 99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
(x) 100. Snake

The San Jose Gay Boy Mafia Goes To Fresno

…they…naah, funny as it is, I won’t tell

So, I’m taking a break from making curried lentils with apples and zuchinni for Winker (What? My dog? Spoiled? No way!) and it dawned on me that I should ask my gaming friends this…

Who among y’all will be going to ConquestSac on March 20-22? I’ll be running a Pulp Over The Edge game on Friday night (altho if they can’t move it to 9:30 to accommodate my new work hours, it could get canceled) and a 3D arena battle/RPG on Saturday. I also will try to get in some Arkham Horror action, if I can find a game of it.

If you are going, let me know and we’ll get together and shake the Pillars of Heaven*

*Legal Notice: Acceptance of Mr. Cross’ offer to shake the Pillars of Heaven has been known to lead to all or some of the following… Continue reading “The San Jose Gay Boy Mafia Goes To Fresno”

The Rare And Beautiful Toxic Poppy Of Potawango Island

…and it comes in 7 colors

Doc Update

1: Monday was a hell of a day, what with me coming down off of the insane amounts of sugar and caffiene I ingested at Dundracon all weekend.

2: Today, I FINALLY got an increase in hours at work. Now, once I get done driving, I go into the sorting area and help sort through packages and such for the night deliveries. This brings me to pretty much full time work hours.

3: Grace, Winker and I are all in good health.

4: After a couple of months of subnormal rainfall, February seems to be all about curing that precipitation defecit in the shortest possible time. It has been raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock for several days.

5: That 4 figure check that I got from a fellow A&Eer? It is in the bank.

6: If any of you care to check out Travian and then decide to play, let me know, cos I can hook you up with some ready to play villages.

And now, I’m off to bed.

Of Crawdads, Rain And Battling Bovines

…and exploding elevators

So, I got home from Dundracon today around 3:30 pm. We left the con around noon, being tired, sore and in my case, nearly voiceless.

Despite leaving 2.5 hours later than normal, Arn and I made excellent time and got to the con at about 6 pm on Friday. I managed to get into a Creeks & Crawdads game titled “The Starfish Are…What?”. It was a CoC riff on the whole crawdad experience, with Lolcats and bucketless walruses subbing for Lovecraftian horrors. It was great fun, especially since everyone remembered to play their crawdads as stupid/hungry/sleepy, which pretty much sums up a crawdads life. We did manage to invent a new Crawdad Philosophy of Life: “Food Lies!”. And then we fell asleep and forgot it.

Saturday night, I ran my 20th anniversary TOON game for 14 players. It was big fun and full of much mayhem, including the big fight between Clarice and Berniece Cow in an elevator full of toxic and flammable insect spray. There was an explosion:)

After the game, a bunch of us sat around talking about games for a while, until I started riffing on…stupid things men and boys do…stupid things women do…why I’m surprised mothers don’t kill their kids at some point…snoring…farting…dogs & cats…why men are like dogs…camping and many other subjects. There was much laughter.

All I bought at the con was about $5.00 worth of dice and a copy of Creeks & Crawdads for $4.00. Oh, damn you, shitty economy!

I did other stuff…talk to folks…watch anime…go to a seminar…etc, etc, etc.

So, anyway, next year, I’ll be running Dungeons & Toons…or maybe Toon Munchkin…in my usual Friday night 8 pm time slot.

And now, I’m gonna eat & sleep.

Mr. Porkwaffle Climbs A Volcano

…while pursued by a squishy rhinoceros

GAAAH!!!! 3.5 hours until I leave for work, then Dundracon! Still not completely packed up! Need to hit the supermarket one last time! Not taking a computer, so might be offline until Sunday night! AIIIEEE!!! HAVE TO DRY LAUNDRY! Gotta go! See some of you at the con!

PS: If you want to call me at the Toon game on Saturday night (and you have my cell number), it starts at 8:00 pm Pacific Time. If you don’t have my cell number, I guess yer screwed:)

Orangutans Who Wear Hats Cannot Be Trusted

…it makes ’em all shifty

Wow! This 21st Century Is SHINY!

Ok, so after years of not being able to get it, Grace and I have finally got a DSL hookup. Turns out, most of the mystery shopping companies want you to have a high speed connection, so we went the cheap route and got hooked up through NetZero. Naturally, the difference in speed has us entranced like a couple of Neanderthals looking at a gas stove. “Ooh…instant fire on demand! Oooooh!”

As a result of this technological switching about, Grace will be doing all sorts of updates and downloads and uploads and other techie shit this weekend. Here at home. On this laptop. While I’m at Dundracon. Without the laptop.

So, lets review…

We are now fast on the interwebs.
We can do our mystery shop reports way quickly.
I will not be online from Friday around noon until Sunday night.

That is all.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?

…times about 10

Ok, so today, Grace and I get a letter in the mail with a Fort Hood, Texas return address, that was mailed from Waco, Texas on February 6th. Inside is a sheet of paper with a letterhead with Las Vegas, Nevada printed on it. All that was on the sheet of paper was “Happy Valentines Day”. And there was a check…for a sizeable sum…with the “pay to the order of” line left blank…and in the “For” line was “Grace and the Hounds”…and it was signed by somebody who contributes to A&E.

This instantly fucked with our heads. Grace’s first reaction was “SCAM! DON’T CASH THAT CHECK!”. Mine was “Is this some kind of joke?” and “Ok, what’s the angle?”. Trust issues, I haz them.

Now, I’m not one to belittle somebodies act of charity, but the amount seems totally disproportinate to how well I know this person, which is only through A&E. So I’m puzzled and the check is gonna set on a shelf until I know what the fuck is up.

The Society For The Preservation Of Old Preservation Societies

…because if we don’t, who will?

A Piece Of My Dreams

Ok, so last night, I had a very clear and not too screwy dream. I can still remember 90% of it, hours after waking up.

Co-starring in this dream were…

My wife, Grace
Robin D. Laws
Patrick Stewart
Spike Y Jones
Bette Davis
My dear friend avylou
assorted character actors and extras

The dream started off with myself, Robin and Spike chatting at some game company booth at a con. Oddly, Robin had hair nearly as long as mine and Spike (who has hair longer than mine) had medium length hair. Anyway, the scene quickly shifted to the three of us, plus Bette Davis (who was, I think, my grandmother in this dream) in a rocky and remote pine forest, looking at a gleaming glass and steel building about the size of a house.

Bette told us that there was a huge secret in there, so we walked in. It took us only moments to figure out that this was a secret (but obviously unguarded) government facility for storing monsters and aliens. Robin managed to crack the security on the elevator and we went way down underground to a floor that stretched off for miles and was lined with cryovacced monsters just waiting for somebody to hit the “THAW” button.

But before we could do it, we dreamshifted to a room full of monitors that showed us Patrick Stewart and a shitload of heavily armed government thugs entering the facility. Bette had vanished, but we found a locker full of weapons and…a bigass motorcycle with a sidecar. I drove, Spike sat behind me and Robin was in the sidecar. We were armed to the teeth and began driving up a heretofore nonexistent ramp towards the surface, blowing away government mooks with a style that would make John Woo and Clint Eastwood weep with joy.

And then the dream shifted to the three of us, plus avylou and Grace, riding along in an electrically powered vehicle that looked like a cross between a pickup and a golf cart. We were travelling thru an area that I have visited in at least 3 other dreams in the past 6 months: a very steeply hilly version of the area I grew up in, near Loma Rica, California. The whole area was dotted with little dying villages and towns and we stopped to talk to lots of people, all of whome were very nice, but poor as hell.

Finally, the dream ended as we stopped for gas at a little town next to what looked like Mono Lake.

Later, I had a short dream that Winker had cornered a small wallaby in the living room.

It Came From The Back Of The Refrigerator!

…1950s style sci-fi monster movie

So far, this has been a lazy Sunday for me. That won’t last much longer though, since dirty dishes are calling from the sink, some gardening must be done and I have a mystery shop to do about 1:00 this afternoon. Even later in the day, it’s dfinner cooking and laundry time. Grace is doing three mystery shops today, so that will be the only stuff she does. Once she finishes, I’ll make her rest. My baby works too much and too hard.

Until I start the dishes, I’m still being lazy. After all, yesterday, I’m the one who did three mystery shops.

In other news, I will be posting from Dundracon next weekend, mostly on Saturday, including during the mid game bathroom break during my Toon game.

I’m hoping I can get in on the Friday night Creeks & Crawdads game some dude is running. I’ve never gotten a chance to actually play that game.

Ok, the dishes have started talking shit about my mom. Gotta go bitchslap them for that. More bloggage later.

Chapter 432: In Which Our Hero Escapes The French, Paints A House And Eats Clams

…steamed, with garlic butter

After reading the latest post by freeport_pirate, I humbly post this Spirit of the Century character.

Rocky Ramone (10 aspects)

Somebody Put Something In My Drink
I Wanna Live
I Wanna Be Sedated
Animal Boy
Mama’s Boy
I Just Wanna Have Something To Do
The KKK Took My Baby Away
Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment
Outsider
Bop ‘Til You Drop

Danny, Doc, Hard Liquor & A Shopping Cart

…there’s a story behind that, but I can’t tell it:)

Fuck you, Schwarzenegger!

Thanks to that gap toothed Nazi cocksucker we have has governor, today is a furlough day for Grace and pretty much her whole department…and other state departments, too. And so it will go every other Friday until something changes.

I hope that Austrian asshole chokes to death on one of his cigars.

What Happens In Ravenloft Stays In Ravenloft

…usually because it’s dead

Preview of my Dundracon Toon game

Ok, we left of last time with…

Frank “The Cat Slapper” Rigatoni…who is a much feared legbreaker for Da Mob. Frank is big, strong, tough talking and terrified of monsters, ghosts, aliens, etc. He keeps his fears secret from everyone, including his still much feared 4th grade teacher…

Mrs. Wangdoodle…who put fear and loathing into the hearts of countless kids during her teaching years. She is retired now, and after Frank because he is the only kid to ever successfully steal his squirtgun back from her desk drawer. She means to get that squirtgun back, one way or another. She may or may not get help in her mission from her granddaughter…

Mostly Purple Patty…who is one of the most adventurous and fearless 10 year old girls in the world. Patty loves monster hunting, ghostbusting and other dangerous stuff. Luckily, she is always accompanied on adventures by her favorite pet…

Ace, The Wonder Yak…who is totally devoted to Patty. He is also pretty devoted to eating pastry and drinking lemonade. Fortunately, he will be able to find plenty of both being served to him by…

The Kreep Family…Reggie, Loona, Auntie Madder and Little Stanley (among others). This would be because almost all the action in this adventure takes place on Swamp Island, site of the hopefully soon to be famous Kreep Family Resort & Spa.

So there you have it, amigos y amigas, most, if not all of the characters in my Toon game. I hope to see some of y’all at the con next weekend. The rest of you will have to wait for the con report on here or in the pages of A&E.

And no, I’m off to bed.

Jesus Still Hasn’t Brought The Pork Chops

…or a pie

I was going to continue my Toon game preview from earlier today, but I just got done watching The Mark Twain Comedy Award: George Carlin on PBS.

I had tears in my eyes by the time it was over.

While my earliest comedy influences were Jonathan Winters and Bill Cosby (with bits of Jack Benny, the Marx Brothers and the Three Stooges thrown in), it was George Carlin who really got his hooks into me. He was outrageous, honest, obscene, irreverent and maybe just a little nuts. In many ways, not unlike my family, but with a far superior command of the english language.

Words. If the average funny person is like a kid who can play Chopsticks with one finger on the piano, George Carlin was Art Tatum. He was a virtuoso that the rest of us can only regard in awe. Don’t believe me? Just listen to him do his bits about advertising or football vs baseball or buzzwords. Pure poetry and damned funny.

I’m funny on a pretty regular basis. Sometimes I’m very funny. I can tell stories, do jokes, riff on a great many subjects, pop off one liners, make faces, change voices, wait for the laugh, do wild takes, make wry observations and perform acts of satire and parody.

But even when I’m at my very pants wetting funniest, I’m still a pale shadow of a pimple on the ass of George Carlin.

Fuck, I miss ya, George.

Junior Muskrat Goes On A Zeppelin Ride

…and it’s not a Led one, either

Preview of my Dundracon Toon game

Well, a preview of some of the characters I’ll be providing for the 10-12 players.

Clarice Cow…is totally insane. She is obssessed with finding a boyfriend, regardless of his being interested in her. This year, she also has a twin sister, Berniece, whom she hates. Formerly, Clarice was advised by her Hannibal Lecterish imaginary friend…

Mr. Eyeball…who is now a real PC, instead of an imaginary NPC only Clarice could see and hear. Still, he can turn invisible at will, so few other characters will see him. One notable exception is…

Robot DeNiro…who is a very conflicted fellow indeed. See, Robot has several conflicting Prime Directives. First, he is programmed to identify “dangerous aliens, monsters and strange stuff”. Alas, there is no programming to tell him what to DO once he identifies them. Then there is his basic programming to keep things clean and tidy. Finally, he must protect and serve as a gentlemans gentleman to…

Professor Amos Wandering…who is obssessed with investigating strange stuff, including aliens and monsters. The Professor is completely oblivious to anything dangerous, which keeps Robot DeNiro busy. The Professor has an assistant named…

Berniece Cow…and she is smart, friendly, efficient and filled with a burning hatred for her sister, Clarice. She also tends to ignore danger and thinks Robot DeNiro “worries too much”. In her spare time, Berniece likes to steal valuable jewelry, which is why she is being shadowed by…

Spade Marlowe, P.I.…who is your typical tough talking world weary private investigator. Spade plays the sap for nobody. Unfortunately, Spade is not the smartest guy on the block. Still, he’s WAY smarter than…

Ted and Ned Noodleman…two would be ladies men who are as dumb as a bag full of doorknobs. And egotistical. And vain. And easily confused. And they owe money to…

Frank “The Cat Slapper” Rigatoni…who is a much feared legbreaker for Da Mob. Frank is big, strong, tough talking and terrified of monsters, ghosts, aliens, etc. He keeps his fears secret from everyone, including his still much feared 4th grade teacher…

To Be Continued…

Spider And His Crew Scored A Grand Slam

…it was all in the planning, really

Doc Update

1: Less than two weeks until Dundracon! Need to finish characters and some other stuff for the game! Aaiiieeee!!!

2: They say we have rain coming this week. I’ll believe it when I see it.

3: I am going to have to do one of my periodic slimming of my Friends List. Please do not be offended if I remove you. There are just too many of you to read every day.

4: So, my little chums, should I plant some of the Gigantic Hawaiian Gourds this year? They go apeshit in this climate, with some vines reaching over 60 feet long. On the other hand, seeing those basketball sized gourds stops sidewalk traffic cold.

5: We have been getting a whole lot of skunk activity in the neighborhood lately. Haven’t actually seen any yet, but man oh man, you can smell ’em.

6: Speaking skunks, a recent episode of “Nature” on PBS was all about them. It also featured my home town, Marysville, California, quite prominently. Apparently, Marysville has both large skunk and feral cat populations and the skunks are chowing down on food left out for the cats.

7: Another Cryptic Message To My Friend In Exile: Discussion forum is now set up and secure. As for the other thing, I’d say 75% or better. Not good, I know, but if you have no other options…

8: Everything here at The Cross Family Resort For One Eyed Basset Hounds goes ok. Health is good, finances suck, work is work, weather is excellent (but very dry) and the above mentioned hound is both sweet and spoiled.

9: Going sorta back up to point 1 on this list…Who among you will be at Dundracon?

Time to walk Winker, eat lunch, then head out to work. More bloggage later.