You Got A D20 Stuck Where?

…tonight on: Embarrassing Gamer Stories

I am now caught up! YAY ME!

The Doclopedia #44

Dogs & Cats Living Together: Thomas and Candy

As we all know, there are people in the world who can assume animal shapes. We call them shapeshifters or lycanthropes. In the animal world, there are those who can assume human shape. Oddly enough, they are also called shapeshifters.

Thomas and Candy are a couple (yes, as in married) who can take on human forms at will. In those forms, they look like a very good looking young couple. Most humans would peg them as being of Northern European descent. In reality, Thomas is an orange striped Tabby cat and Candy is a Springer Spaniel. They tend to dress well and have all the latest tech goodies. They get invited to a lot of parties. To the world at large, they list their jobs as “international consultants”.

In reality. they are very successful jewel thieves. To Interpol and the FBI, they are known simply as “Cat & Dog”, which those organizations assume are merely nicknames. Animal level senses have served well in never letting them get caught. An extensive knowledge of computers and security systems helps, too.

Thomas and Candy live in a beautiful home in Seattle, Washington. They have no children, but are considering adopting a couple of puppies or kittens.

Advertisements

A Wading Pool Full Of Beer

…how else can you do beer wrestling?

At long last, I begin the next theme week…and it’s a blast from 2006 (expanded and revised).

The Doclopedia #43

Dogs & Cats Living Together:  Spock & Bones

Spock the Rottwieller and Bones the Russian Blue are the pets of the Abernathy family, most of whom are die hard Star Trek fans. Their house is decorated in Early (TOS) Trek. They even have sliding doors that hiss when they open and close.

Spock & Bones couldn’t care less about science fiction on tv, but they do care about battling the threat of alien invasion in their home town!

You see, the town the Abernathy’s live in (Targetville, Ohio) is (for reasons only known to extraterrestrials) the spot on earth to conquer first. So, every few nights, Spock & Bones go forth to repel the alien invaders that the humans either can’t identify or never even find out about. Aiding in the fight are not only many other household pets, but much of the wildlife in the area.

So far, at least 57 different species of aliens have tried to invade Targetville. Most have tried numerous times. The animals keep kicking their asses. To be honest, most of the aliens are not exactly geniuses, despite having advanced technology that is designed to kill or enslave humans. They might have a better chance if they invented devices to kill or enslave animals, but they haven’t.

Contrary to their names, Spock & Bones never argue and are the best of friends.

Appearing For Three Nights Only: The Flying Spanaducci Sisters

…two drink minimum

WHEW! This 365 entry took awhile to write.

The first TWO entries for Retro 365: Dogs & Cats Living Together week will get posted tomorrow.

365 People, Places & Things #42

To belatedly close out the week, we have a Criminal Mastermind who looks great in haute coture.

Steampunk Grrlz: Andromeda Andropoulis

On Steampunk Earth #6, Professor James Moriarty was the Napoleon of Crime. Note the use of the past tense, because on a very early spring morning in 1889, Moriarty and several members of his gang were found dead in the middle of a park in London. Each man had been killed in a different way. Moriarty himself had been shot once in the back of the head, execution style. On his jacket was penned a note addressed to Sherlock Holmes. It read…

“My Dear Mr. Holmes,

I have assumed control of the operation that was until recently operated by Professor Moriarty. I intend upon expanding it into areas new and exciting. I shall, of course, look forward to matching wits with you, but unlike the Professor, I see no reason to try and remove you should you be so lucky as to win a round or two. Where, I ask you, would be the fun in that?

Yours Most Humbly,

A”

It took Holmes less than a day to figure out who “A” was and assemble a dossier on her. He told Dr. Watson about it.

“Our friend “A” is a most remarkable young lady by the name of Andromeda Andropoulis. The youngest child and third daughter of Theo Andropoulis, the Greek businessman who died in the wreck of the Marilee Scott in ’86. You’ll recall that his wife and two sons also perished, along with 84 others. A bad business, that, as it was later determined that the ship had purposely been steered onto the rocks by a crewman.

At any rate, Miss Andropoulis and her sisters inherited the family fortune. Her sisters are both quite ordinary, but she, Watson, is something entirely different. It seems that from an early age, she was the sort of person that others naturally follow. The family lived in Greece until she was 9 and it is said that she lead other children into all manner of mischief. Upon arrival in London, she was sent to a boarding school where she soon had a group of young ladies running several schemes that circumvented school rules. Nothing too bad, mind you, but still a training exercise for her later life.

After leaving school, she traveled for two years with a small group of her friends on a tour of first Europe and later North America. She was out of touch with her family for weeks at a time, during which I believe she was involved in various criminal activities. The case of the Swiss Banking Scandal, for instance, has elements that point towards several women being involved on a high level, as does the case of the Danish Royal Museum robbery. In America, I think she might be linked to the Airship Panic that resulted in so much chaos in cities like San Francisco, Sacramento and Los Angeles. Yes, a busy lass indeed.

From what I have learned from speaking with people here in London who knew her, she is exceedingly smart, yet not nearly a genius on the level of Moriarty. I think, perhaps, that she has instead assembled a group of women each has some genius in certain fields, much like that Tempest fellow in America has done. Of course, in her case, the purpose is to commit crimes, not stop them.

Yes, old friend, she does indeed remind me of The Woman, although Miss Andropoulis seems to have both a broader range of criminal tastes and a more…playful attitude towards crime. I refer you to the note where it says “where would be the fun in that”. While I do not dismiss her ruthlessness or cunning, I would say that her prime motivation seems to be winning some sort of contest that only she knows about. Similar to what our friend The Doctor meant when he said “the one with the most toys when he dies, wins”.

A description, you say? Hardly useful, Watson, since she dropped from public view shortly after returning to England and just before her parents and brothers died. Before then, she was 5’8” tall, of a very fine figure, brown haired and brown eyed, given to wearing the finest of clothing and said to be quite inundated with suitors. By now, of course, she most likely has a dozen identities and a different face for each of them. No, Watson, we won’t catch this one by spotting her in a crowd.

And now if you’ll excuse me, I need time to think, Watson. Do go about your practice and I shall see you back here for an early dinner. After that, I think we shall go pay a visit to several people I know and see what else we can learn about this new Napoleon of Crime.”

Excerpt from a note intercepted by one of the Baker Street Irregulars six weeks later…

“Andi Andi,

Hope this finds you well and enjoying your new venture. I’ve had great success of my own, despite the beastly unpleasant weather and vicious insects here. Doctor Esposito has been wonderfully helpful and has finally obtained the necessary plant extracts. I shall bring them back with me, so you may tell Miss Briars to contact our friend in Scotland and have him bring his pets to the assigned location.

I miss you and quite look forward to going out for a night at the theater when I return. Something comedic, I think.

Yours In Wicked Sisterhood,

Pearl”

Attack Of The Atomic Zombie Women From Planet X

…in 3D!

Gaaahh! Such a couple of days I’ve had! Here are two 365 posts, which still leaves me behind on posting. May do a third tonight or do two tomorrow.

365 People, Places & Things #40

Today’s subject busts ghosts…right in the mouth.

Steampunk Grrlz: Professor Elisa Sandoval

At the Spanish Paranormal Research Institute, no Field Investigator is more respected or feared than Elisa Sandoval. Perfectly balancing her vast knowledge of all things supernatural is her kick ass and take names style of actually dealing with things like vampires, ghouls, ghosts and cryptids of all kinds. The legend among students is that working with Professor Sandoval is the greatest learning experience you’ll ever get, assuming that you survive.

Born in 1850 to Armando Sandoval, himself a respected historian, and his equally famous anthropologist wife Pilar, Elisa was surrounded by academics from day one. However, her family also included many military members and general adventurers, which no doubt had something to do with her less than cautious style of investigating. Elisa likes to kick in doors and dare a creature to try something.

Elisa is a crack shot, a skilled swordswoman, a keen observer of details and in great physical shape. On the other hand, she has a fear of flying, cannot drive an automobile worth a damn and is terribly allergic to bird feathers. She can fluently speak a dozen languages, but knows almost nothing of popular literature or, indeed, anything else of an entertainment nature.

On her globe hopping travels, Elisa is almost always accompanied by her assistant, Olaf, and her cousin and driver, Joaquin. Olaf seldom speaks more than a few words at a time and Joaquin seldom shuts up.

Elisa is 33 years old, 5’7” tall and weighs 150 pounds. She has short black hair, brown eyes and average looks. She usually dresses in a comfortable and well worn suit.

Elisa likes reading arcane texts, kicking the shit out of monsters and collecting teacups.

365 People, Places & Things #41

And now, a socialite whose first letter of her first name describes her real job.

Steampunk Grrlz: Lady Maxine Smillington-Karp

In 1866, Queen Victoria, with the assistance of certain members of the British government, d to established an elite intelligence service that would deal solely with “threats of a technological & scientific nature”. In order to maintain very tight security, the organization was made up of small cells of from 3 to 7 people. Only one person in each cell knew how to report to their superior in a higher ranking cell. Eventually, all information goes to the person at the top, the never seen “M” who controls everything.

“M” is Lady Maxine Smillington-Karp, a well know and respected fixture on the London social scene. To the outside world, she is the very picture of an upper class lady of good breeding. To the three people she sends her reports to (all Cabinet Ministers), she is an unknown. They have no idea who “M” is and if they ever found out, they could count their remaining lifespan in hours.

As of 1896, the now 58 year old Maxine has been in charge of “S Unit” for 27 years. Only she knows that the unit has 322 cells and has access to some pretty exotic technologies, including robotics, high level difference engines, bio-transformation and arcanotech. She also knows that several other countries, including Germany, the United States and the Golden Empire of California have secret organizations similar to hers.

Lady Maxine is willing to do whatever it takes to counter threats to the British Empire, including knowingly sending cells on suicide missions. She also has no problem seriously screwing with another government (or, a couple of times now, her own government) to balance the playing field. She is the reason why the Italian government was rocked by scandals just before they could implement a program to build some of Leonardo da Vinci’s devices as described in some now tragically lost texts. She is also one of maybe three people who really know what happened to cause the Great Freeze of Atlanta in 1888.

Lady Maxine is 5’2” tall, weighs 101 pounds, has light brown hair and green eyes and is quite good looking. Her husband, Lord Karp, is a very successful businessman and avid stamp collector. This tends to keep him out of Maxine’s way, allowing her to do her very secretive job. They have 3 grown children, all of whom would be scandalized if they knew what mum was up to.

Green Meatballs And Blue Spaghetti

…kids love it!

May not get the second post up today, but here is one. Don’t judge me!

365 People, Places & Things #39

Today’s first entry is in the realm of 20th Century spacepunk, actually.

Steampunk Grrlz: Captain Pari of the Solar Service

Employee Name: Vanindala Parinomiritikul
Country of Origin: Olpudarabilux Prefecture, Mars
Date of Birth: October 11, 1920
Race: Human/Martian
Sex: Female
Age: 41
Height: 6’10”
Weight: 250 pounds
Hair: White
Eyes: Grey

Rank: Captain
Date of Entry: November 1, 1938
Assignments:

Ensign, Gunnery Division, SSS Goshawk (1940-1943). Fought in Battle of Venus (1942), awarded Purple Heart, awarded Silver Comet, promoted to First Lieutenant by Admiral Sammler on August 22, 1942

First Lieutenant, Weapons Section, SSS Firedrake (1943-1949), during Inner System War II. Fought in Battle of Mercury Darkside (Bronze Star, Gold Comet with Ring), Battle of Phobos (Martian Watergem, Martian Warrior Knife), Battle of Gernsback Station (Silver Star)

Lt. Commander, Operations, SSS Apollo (1949-1955), Outer System Patrol. Participated in First Contact with the Ice Whales of Europa (Terran Council Award), Titan Colony Rescue (Outer System Medal Of Courage). Promoted to Commander on January 17, 1955.

Commander, First Officer, SSS Burroughs (1955-1958), Mars/Asteroid Belt Conflict. Awarded Solar Service Medal Of Honor. Promoted to Captain on the battlefield March 20, 1958.

Captain, Commanding Officer, SSS Flash Gordon (1958-current), Outer System Patrol

Profile: Captain Pari is a proven combat veteran who is tough, brave, efficient and able to think fast under pressure. She has inspired great loyalty in every crew she has served on. In addition, she has shown a talent for diplomacy and dealing with non-humanoid lifeforms.

It is advised that this officer never be assigned any sort of desk job, as that would be a waste of talent and in all probability cause her to resign her commission. Advise that she be considered for Deep Space Duty when the new Extrasolar Class ships go online in 1964.

How To Eat Fried Watermelon

…it’s trickier than you might think

Ok, only one Doclopedia post today because it’s my early night for hitting the sack. Two posts tomorrow or I’ll refund your purchase price!

The Doclopedia #38

Steampunk Grrlz: Molly O’My

 

First off, Molly’s last name is not really “O’My”. She took that surname partly to distance herself from her well to do Irish family, but mostly because it is what she heard so often as a child…as in, “Oh my, Molly, you’ve gotten grease all over your dress” or “Oh my, Molly, your hair looks a fright after climbing that tree” or “OH MY! Molly just blackened the eye of that boy who was teasing her!”.

Yes, Molly was quite the tomboy, which was rather to be expected of a girl with four older and three younger brothers. She learned to fight, climb trees, play various sports and do a variety of things that proper young ladies did not do. This gave her mother “more grey hairs than all of your brothers combined”.

From an early age, Molly was fascinated with machinery and would often spend hours hanging around the mechanics in one of her father’s factories. As she got a bit older, she would watch the family chauffeur work on the various new steam automobiles that her mother insisted her father buy. Then, once puberty had Molly well into young womanhood, she started seeing a young fellow who actually owned his own aeroplane.

It was not long after her 18th birthday that Molly had what her youngest brother called “the big blow up” with her parents. They thought she should be thinking of finding a nice young man to marry, but Molly wanted to set up a machine shop to build autos and possibly planes and whatever other devices she could think of. The result of this headbutting with her parents was that Molly sold all of her jewelry and fine clothing, packed up her bags and her dog Rusty, jumped on the steam motorcycle that she had repaired after her brother Brian wrecked it and left home to seek her fortune.

After a few years working at a automobile repair shop in Cork (and becoming so good a mechanic that the owner offered her a partnership), Molly headed off to the United States. Wanting to live somewhere warm, she ended up in Yuma, Arizona, where she set up her own vehicle repair shop. She was quite successful and had customers from as far away as San Francisco. Within three years, she was employing 25 people.

Nowadays, Molly let’s her staff do the repairing while she does the inventing. She has created several types of autos, a couple of motorcycles, a half dozen aeroplanes & airships and a submarine. Yes, a woman who lives in the desert built a submarine. She is now working on a new type of train car to haul the submarine to San Diego so she can test it.

Molly is 5’5” tall, a wee bit pudgy, extremely cute and curses like a drill instructor. When she is not inventing stuff, repairing stuff or reading about new inventions, she enjoys auto racing, motorcycle racing, rodeos, Mexican food, beer and sex with brawny young men.

Not In This Post: Gooseberry Jam, Hemerocallis thunbergii, newts or wheat gluten

…but there might be a few soybeans

365 People, Places & Things #37

Our next steampunk grrl is heavy on the steam aspect

Steampunk Grrlz: The Amazing Little Sindy

It was the summer of 1889 that the noted scientific team of Walter Morell and Kendall Bellflower found themselves confronted by two terrible facts: Kendall’s daughter, Sindell was dying from a terrible form of skin cancer and their attempts to develop a mechanical brain for their steam powered automaton (into which they had sunk both their own and several other people’s fortunes) was a failure. In hindsight, what happened next was utterly predictable.

At her own urging and with the help of well known medical doctor Nikolai Pretorius, the scientists removed Sindell’s brain, placed it into a near indestructible metal globe full of chemicals and then place the globe into the automaton. Within a day, Sindell woke up and the Amazing Little Sindy was born. Or created. Whatever.

Little Sindy stands 5 feet tall and has a body designed to resemble a 10 year old girl. She is plated with a gold alloy all over. She usually wears a light summer dress, but no shoes. Her face has limited, but surprisingly expressive, mobility. Her red hair is actually very fine copper chain.

Mentally, Sindy is intelligent and good natured. She not only accepts her non human body, she quite enjoys it. After all, you can’t replace your human body parts with a wide variety of tools and/or weapons, can you?

Sindy, now chronologically 22 years old, is a dedicated advocate of women’s rights and has been labeled by several important newspapers as a rabble rouser. Sindy thoroughly enjoys such labels. She is also a well known adventurer and explorer, often accompanied by an all female group of assistants. Wherever she goes and whatever she does, her faithful cat Andrew (himself a creation of Pretorius Laboratories) is there with her.

Her body is powered by a unique steam engine that uses a rare meteoric metal as a heat source. Current estimates are that the engine will continue operating at full power for another 87 years. By that time, Sindy is convinced that an even better power source will be available.

As mentioned above, Sindy can detach most of her body parts and replace them with other, more specialized parts. The ones she most often uses are offroad roller skate feet, multitool hands and gun hands. Recently, Sindy’s father and his partner have started building her a more mature looking body, complete with a head that has a much greater range of expression and the ability to attach two extra arms, if desired.