Desmond Favored Brunettes In Stews

… but for curries, he preferred redheads

 

The Doclopedia #74

AD&D Monsters As Characters: Lola the Night Hag

 

Mayor Lola is everything a Night Hag is not supposed to be: Beautiful, kind, caring, Lawful Good and a vegetarian. No wonder she was banished from Hades! She left when she was very young, after redecorating an entire section of the place with smiley faces and glitter.

After several years of traveling about and doing good deeds in the lands outside those of Men, Lola had developed quite a following of misfit creatures that are usually called monsters. She insisted that they behave peacefully and respect one another and darned if they didn’t do it! Deciding that they needed a home to call their own, Lola chose the remote and long abandoned village of Oak Hill. Soon after, they had repaired things, built several new buildings and installed Lola as the “Mayor for Life”.

Lola works hard to keep things running smoothly and personally welcomes each new citizen that wanders in from outside of town. She meets once a month with the Town Council to discuss village business and also teaches art classes at the village school. In recent years, she has made trade agreements with a few far off human villages, which has greatly benefited all concerned.

Lola is married to Armand the Were-Dog (under the full moon, he turns into a Golden Retriever) and they have two adopted children, Tommy (a young Orc who was banished for being a nerd) and Francine (a sweet little girl Gnoll).

In her very rare spare time, Lola enjoys singing in the town choir, reading stories to her children and tossing a ball under the full moon for Armand to fetch.

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Pan Fried Panfish

…I tried pan frying Bowlfish, but they kept rolling around

STUFF!

1: I could get used to this new schedule, even if it does mean working 6 days a week.

2: Hey, Tea Party, listen up! If you break off from the Republican Party and go balls out third party, I’ll donate $100.00 dollars to help your cause. I know several other Democrats who would donate at least that much. Go for it!

3: The odds of me going to GenCon in 2011 are looking better every day.

4: In case you didn’t know, the large order of onion rings at Fuddrucker’s is really large. Also, they are delicious.

5: In case you were worried, you’ll be glad to know that both of my Canine American Princesses are still very spoiled.

6: I’ll be staying all the way through until Monday morning at Dundracon this year. If you are attending, I could probably be persuaded to run an RPG session or two. I’m thinking maybe Over The Edge or Pulp Era Horror.

7: Our regularly scheduled 365 post will be up soon.

Lactating Lucy

…no, really, she is.

365 People, Places & Things #73

Ya know that cranky old neighbor man who always yells at kids who walk past his house? Well, here is Oak Hill’s version of him

AD&D Monsters As Characters: Grug the Goblin

Grug, or “Ol’ Man Grug” as the neighborhood kids like to call him, lives in a modest little house on 120 Ochre Jelly Street. He lives with his wife, Mokli (a very pleasant goblin lady, by all accounts) and their pet blink dog, Blinky. Their four children have all grown up and moved away.

Grug is 5 foot tall, greenish gray skinned and pretty typical of an 89 year old goblin who wears bifocals and pants with suspenders. On a good day, he is a cranky old sod. On a bad day, he is a mean old bastard.

Grug spends most of his time tending his garden (he specialized in roses), mowing his lawn and yelling at any neighbor kids who get within 20 feet of his property. His favorite phrase is “Stay the hell away from here, you little hoodlums!” Sometimes you can find him in the back yard fixing things or picking zapples from his zapple tree, but mostly, he’s out front on Kid Lookout. He has been known to chuck rotten zapples at kids, but his aim suck.

In his spare time (which is generally after dark when the kids are in their homes) Grug enjoys playing checkers, drinking hard zapple cider, talking about “the good old days” and generally being a cantankerous old fart.

Horrible Moon Mice

…they eat your hair while you sleep

365 People, Places & Things #72

Sometimes, a gal just needs to show the guys she can be rough and tough. Sometimes, she needs to act girly. Today’s character does both.

AD&D Monsters As Characters: Bronwyn the Yeti

Bronwyn, or Bronny as her friends like to call her, is Oak Hill’s blacksmith. Given her height of 8’3″ and her enormous strength, blacksmithing is a pretty easy job for her. Of course, she does have to keep her hairy body wet, so as to avoid fires.

Bronny also uses her metalworking skills to create lovely wrought iron artwork. Her work is in high demand and her porch and stair railings are a fixture of all the nicer homes in town.

Actually, her artwork isn’t all that is in high demand. Bronny herself has several suitors, including Ed the Ogre, Dr. Azkorak the Centaur and Lucius the Brownie (gotta give young Lucius an A for effort). So far, when asked about who she fancies most, Bronny just giggles and blushes. She’s really quite a shy young lass.

Bronny shares a house with her best friend, Maxine the Lamia, and Bronny’s pet Dire Wolf, Skippy.

In her spare time, Bronwyn enjoys hiking, dancing, playing with Skippy and sewing.

The King Of The Jungle Was Also The Queen Of The Jungle

…and his treehouse was just faaaaabulous

The above title is based upon a real Halloween situation from the early 80’s.

365 People, Places & Things #71

Here we have another of the classic AD&D monsters and he’s doing a job he loves.

AD&D Monsters As Characters: Ollie the Otyugh

Nobody knows what Ollie did before he came to Oak Hill, but he certainly couldn’t have been a horrible cavern dwelling monster like most Otyughs. Ollie is a very pleasant, if a bit odoriferous, fellow who is always smiling and greeting everyone with a pleasant hello. It is suspected that Ollie might be some mutant strain of Neo-Otyugh, but nobody knows for sure. Whatever he might be, Ollie is a good friend and an upstanding community member.

Once he arrived in Oak Hill, it didn’t take long for Ollie to find his place in the community: down in the cesspool/garbage pit. As Ollie likes to say “What you cast off is my buffet!”. To say that he is happy with his job would be the height of understatement. Ollie can be found in the cesspool most of the time, but he does like to come to the local inn (after a good long shower under the local waterfall) to participate in sing a longs and catch up on local gossip. He also enjoys a good game of checkers with Slim the Slime over at the general store.

In his spare time, Ollie enjoys crocheting, hunting for swamp rats, cooking up those same swamp rats and volunteering for the town watch.

Brains, Breakfast Of Champions!

…well, champion zombies

365 People, Places & Things #70

Hey, kids, it’s AD&D Monsters As Characters Week. All of these monsters live in the village of misfit monsters, Oak Hill. Our first character is the village baker.

AD&D Monsters As Characters: Snord the Bugbear

Snord was always a bit smarter that most of the other bugbears in his tribe. It was this very intelligence that eventually got him kicked out of the tribe and chased into the wilderness. Seems the bugbear boss man knew a potential threat when he saw one. Unfortunately for him, Snord was able to poison his wine just hours before getting chased out of town. Like we said, Snord is smart.

After many days of wandering aimlessly through the wilderness, Snord happened upon the village of Oak Hill. As was their way, the other misfit monsters welcomed him and then gave him a job to do: baker’s apprentice. Snord took to the work and now, 3 years later, has become the village baker. His breads are the envy of other villages and his cakes have been known to make strong beings swoon with delight.

Snord has recently been seen keeping company with Olivia the Troll. They make a cute couple, assuming one uses the loosest possible definition of “cute”.

Snord is 8 feet tall, has tawny brown shaggy fur, long pointed ears and big green eyes. He usually wears a pair of cloth pants and an apron. Both of these are often covered in flour stains.

In his spare time, Snord enjoys fishing, dancing and listening to the Storyteller.

Splendid Lily And The California Kid Go To Vegas

…on somebody elses nickel

365 People, Places & Things #69

Talk about a guy pigging out…

Pigs Is Pigs: Fred Finster, Wereboar

In 1993, while on an ill advised vacation in rural Georgia, Fred Finster, age 30 and an insurance salesman by trade, was attacked by a huge wild boar. The creature managed to bite him several times before being shot by a local hunter. Mr. Finster was taken to a local hospital in serious condition. He was stabilized, then airlifted to a better medical facility in Macon, where doctors commented that his wounds weren’t nearly as bad as they had been lead to believe.

Two days later, Fred left the hospital and Georgia with not the slightest trace of a wound.

One week after that, back home in a suburb of Boston, Fred Finster changed into a 700 pound wild boar and went on a rampage that left property damaged, pets terrified and three homeless men & a 17 year old drug dealer dead. The police blamed it on gang activity, even though they had no explanation why or how a gang ripped up 9 peoples yards and apparently ate several hundred pounds of vegetation. CSI reports that huge porcine hoof prints and boar hairs were found at every location and on/near the murder victims were not made public.

It didn’t take Fred long to figure out that waking up filthy dirty and bloody, along with muddy hoof prints morphing into his own footprints, equaled deep shit with him in it. After calling in sick to work, he cleaned himself and his house. After that, he went to the library and read up on lycanthropy. After that, he got in his car and drove way out into the woods in a state park.

He awoke the next morning about a mile from his car. The ground for yards around him looked like it had been rototilled by a dozen drunken gardeners. Trees as thick as a 16 inched were toppled over and not far away he found a park rangers hat. Under it, he found the rangers head. He couldn’t find the rest of the ranger.

Since that day, Fred has worked as a traveling insurance investigator. He found out that he only turns into a wereboar for three days out of the month, during the full moon, so on those days, he goes way out into the wilderness where he usually can’t hurt anyone.

Fred had tried to kill himself 37 times, starting with silver bullets, but nothing he has tried kills him. He’s saving up his money for a couple of diamond bullets which he will have blessed by holy men of all the major religions.

365 People, Places & Things #65

Pressed for time…very short post…a TOON character

Pigs Is Pigs: Iron Ham

Name: Porky Stark
Species: Pig
Beliefs: I must fight evil using my power armor. I must lay off the booze. I must try to get Pepper in the sack.

Porky Stark was a gazillionaire playboy and inventor when one day, some Evil Terrorists blew up his lab. Porky lived, but had a piece of shrapnel lodged in his butt. It was impossible to remove, so Porky said “Screw this! I’m gonna build some power armor and kick the ass of every Bad Guy I see”.

And so he did and does.