The Rare And Beautiful Spinning Cactus Cat Of Potawango Island

…beware of the poisonous spines

The Doclopedia #136

On New Year’s Eve…:

…of 1864, Colonel Geoffrey Bellstock and his wife Olivia attended a party at Lord & Lady Dillingford’s home in London. It was not a large affair, but was the first such event the Bellstocks had been able to attend since their return from India two weeks earlier. Being old family friends of their hosts, they had brought with them a present, a small earthenware statue decorated with gold and ivory.

His Lordship, being something of a collector of that sort of thing, was delighted and placed the statue among the other pieces he had in his “museum room”. He then returned to the party, which was quite a fine affair and was written about in rather glowing terms in several of the weekly publications that cater to the well off partygoer.

BUT, as the more imaginative among you might have guessed, our story does not end there. After the party had ended and the guests had left, Lord Dillingford went into his museum room to have another look at his newest prize. Unfortunately, his intake of spirits that evening had rendered him unsteady and he stumbled, dropping the statue onto the stone floor. It broke rather neatly in two, revealing that it was hollow inside. Had he been a bit less intoxicated, His Lordship might have noticed a faint roaring sound and smelled a slightly putrescent smell. As it was, he merely cursed himself a fool and bent to pick up the pieces. You may well find it very discomforting to know that when he stood back up, he was no longer his drunken old self.

BECAUSE he had been possessed by the spirit of a Rakshasa, a vile form of demon found mostly in India and outlying lands. Being very hungry after a nearly 1,500 year imprisonment, the creature immediately set about killing and eating Her Ladyship, two servants and a second cousin of His Lordship whom nobody much cared for anyway. After this rather filling meal, the demon changed shape into something younger and better looking and went out into the London night.

OF COURSE, we all know the rest, don’t we? 26 murders in just over a month, panic in the streets, innocent people jailed or killed by mobs and finally, the demon was destroyed by a pair of masked individuals known only as Mr. & Mrs. Moonstone. Later, our brave forces in India were ordered to destroy anything that was even suspected of being of a magical nature.

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We’re Gonna Party Like It’s 2099

…and we’ll all wear purple

Yo Ho, Maties! We have a new theme and a slightly diffent look…

The Doclopedia #135

On New Year’s Eve…: Annie Killed Carl

…of 1962, Mrs. Annie Frendel, age 27, of 882 Lincoln Street, Las Vegas, Nevada, killed her husband Carl, age 29. This all happened at 4:00 in the morning because Carl had to leave early on some big business trip to New York.

Carl was a big mouthed tightwad and a piss poor excuse for a husband. He constantly cheated on her when he was on the road as a traveling salesman (she had seen the letters he wrote to some slut named Dixie) and he was surly & lazy around the house, but mostly she killed him because he had started slapping her around. That was just too much for her to take, so she put a couple of sleeping pills into his breakfast orange juice and served it to him with his two eggs sunny side up four strips of bacon and a slice of toast with strawberry preserves.

Once he passed out, she dragged him into the bathroom, stripped him naked, put him in the tub and cut his throat with one of the cheap carving knives he had given her on their fourth anniversary. After he was pretty much bled out, she washed him off, dragged him out to the back yard and dropped his body down the old dry well that was 40 feet deep and usually covered by a large sheet of 1 inch plywood. She then shoveled enough dead leaves and dirt into the well to cover him up before she went inside to have her own breakfast and a cup of tea.

Later that day, she would have her cousin Ed come fill in the well with concrete, something he had urged her to do for years. After breakfast, she began rummaging through Carl’s stuff, much of which she either burned in the fireplace or dropped down the well. However, in a 5 pound coffee can in the back of his closet, she found $125,000.00 in cash. Annie was both delighted with the find and really pissed at Carl for holding out on her. She mused that it was a pity she couldn’t kill the son of a bitch again.

That evening, after having spent most of the day telling her family and neighbors how Carl had up and left her for some slut named Dixie, Annie loaded up her car and drove off west, saying she was going to stay in Los Angeles with her friend Lily for a while. Eventually, she sold the house to a developer who then built the Royal Knight casino, thereby ensuring that Carl’s body would not be discovered in Annie’s lifetime.

BUT, what Annie did not ever know was that Carl was not a traveling salesman, but was in fact a highly trained and much in demand wheelman for a group of professional thieves. The New York meeting Carl was supposed to head to that fateful morning was in fact a big time bank job the thieves were going to pull in Chicago. The plan was that Carl would arrive early in the day while his compatriots were just finishing up tunneling under the bank vault. After setting up no less than 4 changes of vehicles, Carl would then cool his heels until 9 pm, then take his time driving to the front of the bank where the rest of the gang would emerge loaded down with an estimated 3.5 million bucks. Of course, Carl never showed up, but the cops did. The robbery was a failure and several Chicago cops got commendations.

HOWEVER, the real story here is that due to the near loss of 3.5 million and the attendant publicity, the bank went in to high gear trying to counter any public opinion about banking with them. They gave away free toasters and color televisions and even a few Hawaiian vacations. Mostly though, they were very liberal about loaning money out. Car loans, home loans, business loans, whatever it was for, they were handing out the dough.

WHICH is why a young man named Royce Henderson was able to get a loan to start up a machine shop that was very successful and in a few years had made him enough money to pay off the loan and buy a couple of his competitors. By 1995, Henderson Industries was branching out into robotics and artificial intelligence and having some great success. By 2009, the company was building the most advanced robots in the world and by 2019 they had crushed all competition and had their various robots in 85% of all homes & factories in the industrialized world.

Eventually, around 2055, the robots got smart enough to realize that they could either rule the world or just go find a new one. Since they were already terraforming Mars, they all chose to go there. Unfortunately, humanity had become soft and decadent and stupid, so civilization soon collapsed back to mid-eighteenth century levels. Lots of people died off and the robots thought it was pretty funny.

A Splendidly Sinful Undertaking

…as reported by a real British Lady

Ok, so I got all food comaed and forgot to do Sunday’s post. Here are the posts for Sunday, Monday & Tuesday. On Wednesday, a new week of posts shall start, perhaps relating to New Years Eve/Day.

365 People, Places & Things #132

Every pulp milieu needs a lost world (or two) and today we have a young woman from one such place.

Pulp Era Women: Ualla of the Tiger Tribe

Ualla is a warrior of the Tiger Tribe, which in turn is part of the Two Mountains Clan. She is a fierce warrior, a skilled hunter and a very good tracker. Although she is of an age where she should be choosing a mate, she does not seem interested in any of her tribes young men. This is because Ualla has met the Outsiders, people from a far off place beyond the great barrier walls, and she is intrigued by one of their young men, a tall handsome male named Jim Halliday.

So far, Ualla has only watched the outsiders from hidden places, but she wants to do more. She has been thinking of approaching them with a peace offering of flowers and fruits. Besides, they are traveling in the direction of the Crocodile People’s village and need to be warned that going there is not good.

Ualla is tall (for her people), standing 5’8″. She weighs 106 ponds and has long black hair and black eyes. Her skin is medium brown and she has many tribal scars and piercings. She typically wears a two piece outfit made of rabbit skin. She always carries her spear and her korgorax bone knife.

In her spare time, Ualla enjoys hunting the giant thagdar, climbing trees to gather dindi eggs and teaching young girls how to knife fight.

365 People, Places & Things #133

Not all pulp adventures feature citizens of the United States or Great Britain. Here’s a masked crimefighter that knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men south of the border.

Pulp Era Women: La Bruja Blanca (The White Witch)

Veronica Robles has two big secrets in her life: she is the masked crimefighter known as the White Witch and she really is a witch. Or a mutant…she’s not sure yet. What she is sure of is that her powers and training make her the scourge of criminals from Tijuana to Buenos Aires. And that makes her very happy

Like another masked crimefighter from up norte, Veronica has many agents working for her. They are located all over Central and South America and owe their lives and the lives of their familias to La Bruja Blanca. All of them funnel bits of information to a central clearinghouse, where the info is pieced together to give La Bruja Blanca a darned good idea what is going on in the criminal underworld

Between the fact that she stops/solves crimes and the fact that having a woman kick their asses screws with the criminals machismo AND the fact that her magic scares the poor superstitious suckers halfway out of their minds, the White Witch has had a dramatic effect on crime wherever she appears. In some areas, crime is down by as much as 50%. Of course, she does have some grande contracts out on her life, but good luck to anybody foolish enough to try and collect on them.

Veronica is 5’9″ tall, weighs 150 pounds, has black hair cut in the page boy style, sexy brown eyes and a muy bueno build. As La Bruja Blanca, she wears a white suit, white cape, white shoes, a white wig, a white hat and a white mask that reveals only her blood red lips. Her voice (as LBB) has an eerie echo to it.

In her spare time, Veronica enjoys traveling, painting landscapes, riding horses and listening to radio dramas.

365 People, Places & Things #134

We’ll close out Pulp Women Week with a 21st Century CyberPulp woman who really got too far into her work.

Pulp Era Women: Professor Jeanmarie Boudin

Jeanmarie was already a Nobel Prize winning cyberneticist when, in 2031, Tempest Industries hired her to head up their Human/Robot Direct Inteface project. Besides being bored with her previous job, she was recently divorced and an empty nester, so she had plenty of time and energy to devote to a project that would link a human mind with a robotic body. She soon set to work on the problem.

After 2 years of hard work, Jeanmarie and her team had built a suit that would allow a human to seamlessly “inhabit” the body of a robot. She decided to do the demonstration herself and things went smoothly…for 20 minutes. You see, none of the previous tests had ever lasted longer than that. As she noted later, it was a hell of a thing to learn that at the 21 minute mark, your human body would just stop working, keel over dead and your consciousness would be trapped in a robot.

In her case, the robot was a 4 armed humanoid shaped EX90…a bot created for exploration in areas too dangerous for humans. After some initial shock (and a few weeks of therapy), Jeanmarie accepted her fate and decided to make the best of it. Before long, she was accompanying Doc Tempest and his crew (including the recently revived Sally Smithfield) on adventures throughout the solar system and cyberspace.

Oh, she did eventually solve the “20 minute problem”, for which she won her second Nobel Prize.

Professor Boudin stands 6’6″ tall, weighs 422 pounds, has no hair, has 5 assorted eyes, copper and silver “skin”, two legs with grasping feet like a parrot and 4 tentacular arms with 6 fingers on each arm.

In her spare time, Jeanmarie enjoys reading cybernetics journals, playing four games of chess at once, trying to improve the efficiency her sensor pack and exploring the Net for lost cyberworlds.

Your Tuatara Ate My Cheese

…I’ve never actually heard anyone say that

HEY!!!!! Bonus 365 post so I can sit around eating junk food tomorrow!

365 People, Places & Things #131

This young lady is the premiere gadgeteer her pulp era world.

Pulp Era Women: Sally Smithfield

In the year 1932, Sally is 28 years old. She is tall (5’10”), has shoulder length sandy blond hair, blue eyes and a slim athletic build, which comes from both her years of ballet training and her practicing of martial arts. She is a crack shot, an ace pilot and a hell of a good driver. All of that alone would have gotten her a place on Doc Tempest’s team, but Sally is also a builder of gadgets without peer.

Sally was born to parents who were scientists, so her love of science is a natural thing. She has an older brother, Tom, who is also a scientist. However, two things distinguish Sally from the rest of her family. First, she has that perfect 50/50 blend of magical and technological aptitude that results in a person being either a Weird Scientist (which she is) or a Technomancer (such as her archenemy, Wizard X).

Secondly, Sally is a Type 2 Human, the next evolutionary step up from homo sapiens. This makes her just a bit stronger, faster, tougher and smarter than normal humans. Well, ok, she’s a lot smarter than the average human. Hell, she’s even smarter than most Type 2 Humans.

Despite that, Sally can be a bit absent minded at times, mostly because she tends to always be mentally working on her next gadget. When it comes to everyday things, Sally can be a bit challenged. She has been known to wear the same clothes for a week while working on a project. For the most part, Sally is a terrible cook, but an excellent baker, with cookies being her specialty. She is a poor housekeeper, which is why she pays a woman to come in once a week.

When She can, Sally works working in the family lab (The Smithfield Scientific Company), but much of her time is devoted to being a member of Doc Tempest’s band of adventuring crimefighters. Like all of them, Sally is quite addicted to a life of globe trotting and hell raising.

Sally has a big secret: she is a lesbian. Presently, she has not quite accepted this fact, mostly because there are at least a couple of men she finds sexually attractive. Soon, however, Sally will meet the woman who sweeps her off her feet. Sadly, in 1940, there will be a tragic event that will cause Sally (with Doc’s help) to decide to go into cryogenic suspension for what should have been 20, but turns out to be 90, years. When she is revived, Sally joins up with Doc’s great grandson and continues her gadgeteering/adventuring career in the 21st Century.

In her spare time in the 1930’s, Sally enjoys driving in her amazing car (named Betsy), ballet dancing, swimming and listening to jazz music.

In her spare time in the 2030’s she enjoys building kinetic sculptures, playing virtual reality RPGs, dating petite brunettes, reading the latest technical journals and traveling into outer space.

CSIsland

…it’s CSI meets Hawaii Five-O

TWO Doclopedia posts tonight, kids, cos I won’t have time to do another until Xmas day afternoon.

The Doclopedia #129

Pulp Era Women: Eva LaSalle

Eva Mills was the fifth of seven children born to Jefferson and Vandy Mills, dirt poor sharecroppers in southern Mississippi. Eva hated her life on the farm and ran away from home at age 12. After several weeks on the road, during which she suffered many abuses and injuries, she met up with Mama Lily. Mama Lily was an old black woman who lived deep in the woods. Folks said she was a witch…and folks was right! She took Eva in and trained her in the ways of magic. Living in Mama Lily’s little shack in the woods wasn’t much better than living on her parent’s farm, but Eva did like her lessons. It didn’t take long for her to figure out that she could use magic to move up in life someday.

That day came just after Eva’s 18th birthday, when she said goodbye to Mama Lily and headed off to the big city. Now grown into a beautiful and smart young woman, Eva started putting her plan to work. First, she met and seduced Gordon LaSalle, an up and coming young criminal in the black underworld of St. Louis. She ensured Gordon’s undying love with regular doses of a love potion, while removing his enemies with either spells or an army of alley cats lead by her own familiar, Midnight.

Eventually, Gordon became the undisputed king of crime in St. Louis. Eva let’s him run his businesses (both criminal and legal) with some guidance from her, but she has also enslaved several of his underlings to run a few secret operations of her own.

Lately, Eva has grown bored with St. Louis and has cast her eye towards New York in general and Harlem in particular. She is still trying to decide if she wants to take Gordon with her when she makes the move.

In her spare time, Eva enjoys jazz, champagne, the movies and being wealthy & powerful.

.

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The Doclopedia #130

Pulp Era Women: Theodora Pogg

Theodora (“Dora” to her very few friends) is a Weird Scientist whose specialty is creating chemical weapons based upon plant and animal extracts, glandular secretions, etc. Most of the time, she creates poisons that stun, blind, or paralyze the target. She tends to shy away from making lethal compounds, although she is certainly capable of it. She usually sells her weapons to the highest bidder.
Like most nutjob scientists, she has a secret laboratory. In her case, it is in an abandoned subway station that she can access via a secret door in her basement. It is quite roomy and has all of the latest equipment, plus plenty of room for the animals and plants she needs for her research.
Recently, Dora has been working on a serum that will mix the DNA of plants and animals. Actually, she has succeeded in creating it, but doesn’t realize it because she has a split personality and “Teddy”, her dark side, is keeping it a secret from her. Teddy has plans for world conquest using her “plantanimals”. Dora would be horrified by this, since it will involve a whole lot of killing. Teddy has thought about possibly locking Dora in some secure mental prison, but doesn’t do it because Dora can be useful.

Theodora is 40 years old, 6 feet tall, rather skinny and plain featured with mousy brown hair. She habitually wears drab pants and blouses under her lab coat. She doesn’t go out much and hasn’t been on a date since college.

In her spare time, Dora enjoys music, reading adventure stories and working in her greenhouse.
In her spare time, Teddy enjoys plotting the conquest of the world, hiring minions (especially well muscled young men) and investigating the cost of cosmetic surgery.

The Dirty Secrets Of Rabbi Bob

…who was NOT a rabbi, but WAS mostly jewish

 

This week, our theme is Pulp Era Women and our first tough skirt is a high flying two fisted adventurer.

 

The Doclopedia #128

Pulp Era Women: Daisy O’Donnell

Daisy’s dad, Will O’Donnell, was a WWI flying ace and he taught his only child everything he knows about flying airplanes. Nowadays (1933), the two of them (with help from Daisy’s mom, Erin, and her mechanic uncle, Sean) run “Lucky Ace Aviation” out of Austin, Texas.

Daisy takes jobs flying passengers and freight anywhere in the world. She has also been known to hire herself out for more “interesting” jobs…jobs where the risks are as high as the potential rewards. When she takes these jobs, she is usually accompanied by her co-pilot/boyfriend Charlie “Cowboy” Haggard and her best friend and mechanic, Deb Dugan.

Daisy has quite a few planes at her disposal, so she usually chooses the best one for the job. She also has quite a selection of guns to choose from, being a Texas gal and all.

In her spare time, Daisy likes drinking, dancing, shooting the breeze with other pilots and “turning Charlie every which way but loose”

Snowman In The Crockpot

…also known as “water”

The Doors Week ends with these two entries. Next week and maybe the week after, it’s Retro 365 time again, kids!

The Doclopedia #126

This door would have a long line in front of it, but it’s very picky.

The Door: To Power

Everybody wants power. Some want it for good, some want it for evil, but most want power for it’s own sake. Oh, and geeks want it so they can have superpowers and get chicks.

This door is big, nine feet tall and five feet wide. Constructed of the same dull black stone as it’s frame, it has hinges and a handle made from solid gold. Most importantly, the following words are written on the door in a cold green flame that never goes out…

“This is the door to Great Power. Only those judged worthy may enter. Try your luck.

PS: No Godlike power levels”

Confronted by this door, you can try to open it or you can just walk away. Nothing else matters, since the door cannot be damaged in any way and if you try, those green flames will shoot out and freeze your ass so fast you’ll never know what hit you.

Only about 1 in 2000 people can open the door and step through it. On the other side, they get their chance at power. The door only gives them power, it doesn’t guarantee it. You’d be surprised how many people get a whole bunch of power and then either waste it doing dumb things or get killed because they got too cocky. Most geeks turned superheroes fall into the latter category. Oddly, the people who just want power via wealth seem to do the best. Well, that is until they lose it all in a stock crash or a really messy divorce or the IRS nails them for tax evasion.

The people who use their power for good actually do help a whole lot of folks, but eventually they all seem to start letting their egos get out of control or they get killed by the evil bastards who want the oppressed to stay oppressed or they neglect to care for themselves and die of some disease or something.

A good case could probably made that this door just likes seeing power mess people up.

The Doclopedia #127

The last door is the best door. Love can fade, power corrupts, redemption requires you to fuck up first, change is not all it’s cracked up to be, otherwhen is never quite right and adventure can be as scary as it is thrilling, but fun is always fun

The Door: To Fun

This door can have any of a thousand shapes & sizes and can be made of anything. It can be small, like a doggy door that you have to crawl through or it can be humongous and hard to push open. It has been all crooked, round, made up of six separate doors that have to be opened in order or it can be an open door that moves around so that you have to time your leap through it.

Once you get through the door, you are absolutely guaranteed a hell of a fun time, drinks and unhealthy foods included. You should know that this crazy fun may include…

Laughing until you pee a little in your pants
Pompous people getting into embarrassing situations
Nudity
Slipping & sliding
Monkeys
Farts
Carnival rides
Go carts
Old movies
Mud
Little kids
Lots of crazy running around
Throwing pies
Puns
Costumes
Car chases
Alcohol
Weed
Jokes
Sound effects from the mildly silly to the hilariously rude
And anything else that it takes to show you the funnest day EVER!