The Rare And Beautiful Green Spotted Snow Squid Of Potawango Island

…they smell like lemons and love to tap dance

The Doclopedia #173

The Infinite Doc: Doc Who?

It was in 1980 that, while hiking with his dog in the High Sierras, Doc Cross saw a blue phone boothy looking thing appear on a very steep mountainside. Just as he was exclaiming “What the fucking hell?” to his Lab mix Goldie, the door of the phone booth opened and a man stepped out without looking where he was stepping. Doc watched helplessly as the poor guy tumbled down the side of the mostly granite mountain, bouncing off boulders every so often. By the time his body came to a stop, Doc was there and sure he was going to see a corpse.

Incredibly, the badly injured man was still alive, if only barely. He was babbling about only recently having regenerated and this was the 12th time and how would Cori manage without him. Doc told him to lie still and started checking the man out to see if first aid would do any good at all despite them being at least 25 rough miles from the nearest ranger station. It took about 30 seconds for him to figure out that this guy was too fucked up to live more than a few minutes.

Up at the blue box, a young woman was screaming about doctors and Doc knew that he’d have to break some bad news to her. That would certainly blow for all concerned.

Suddenly, the dying man grabbed him and asked if he would mind terribly if he gave him his essence. Figuring that it was the least he could do for the poor bastard, though not sure what this “essence” would be, Doc agreed. He hoped it didn’t involve bodily fluids.

With that, the man looked Doc right in the eyes and all kinds of mental shit hit the fan. Doc was seeing things and knowing things and hearing things and was pretty sure he was going to piss himself if it didn’t stop soon.

Just short of a pair of wet blue jeans, the man broke off the mental contact, let go of Doc and fell back onto the ground. Then he slowly faded away until there was no trace of him left. Doc leaped backwards cursing, Goldie did the same while barking and up the mountain, the young lady screamed.

Doc attempted to calm Goldie and himself down, all the while repeating “Holy shit!” and “No fucking way!” and other assorted amazement laden obscenities. After a couple of minutes, they both calmed down and Doc noticed that the woman was scrambling down the hillside. He went to her and helped her the rest of the way. At the spot where her friend had faded away, all he could do was hold her as she cried.

Later, Doc, Goldie and Cori (short for Corrine) walked back to the blue phone booth, which she said was a “tortoise” or something. Doc wasn’t really paying attention because whatever it was, it was strange and kinda alien and a whole hell of a lot bigger on the inside than it had a right to be. Doc was thinking that it would make a pretty fucking swell house when he saw the control panel. At that moment, a bunch of information flooded into his mind and he knew that he could operate this thing. It was a goddamn time machine and spaceship all rolled into one!

In short order, Doc had fired that baby up and taken them to the early Jurassic Period because he wanted to see some dinosaurs. After that, he learned a lot more about what this was all about. He also learned that the guy he had watched die was, in some crazy way, living on in him like some sort of goofy British katra or something.

Much of the time, this guy, who was some sort of doctor, was pretty helpful, but other times he was a pain in the ass. Two quick examples…

Regarding Cori, who was young, hot and (once she accepted Doc as the new doctor on the block) definitely signaling to Doc that she would enjoy a rousing session of Hide The Weenie, this doctor fellow was all about the platonic sort of relationship. Doc told him he was nuts and then proceeded to drill Cori like an oil company drills the Gulf of Mexico. He also boinked the next 5 companions he picked up, plus enough alien chicks to make James T. Kirk look like a virgin. After awhile, all the doctor would do was tsk tsk in an annoyed way.

Then there were the various evil conquering alien species they met. Mr. Voice In The Head often came up with plans that would just stop their evil plots. Doc just as often killed as many of the motherfuckers as he could while still stopping their evil plots. And when it came to the Great Enemy of the formerly corporeal doctor, some dude who was obviously into BDSM because he insisted on being called “Master”, Doc took a novel and practical approach.

Upon hearing that this evil douchebag had 9 more regenerations left (which he gloatingly told Doc after they had first met and Doc had managed to capture him), Doc shot him right between the eyes. Nine times in a row, once after each regeneration. End of problem, except for the incessant whining and crying and bitching from the supposedly 1,000+ year old guy who had fought Mr. Villain for centuries and never taken him down for the count.

Eventually, on his own 11th regeneration (one of the benefits of the shared mind deal), Doc returned to Earth in his own time and gave his latest companions the keys to the vehicle. He also transferred Mr. Whiny Ass into an old and goofy looking robot dog, using a technique he had learned from one of the Psychic Amazons of Scorpius Four. Free of his mental hitchhiker and looking good in a new body, Doc and Goldie (who also regenerated and now looked like a timber wolf) started walking towards a nearby town. It had been a fun 578 years, but they were both dying for a really good fish taco.

Secret Agent Kabuki Android

…more made up manga

Hey kids, 365 People, Places & Things has gotten a name change! It is now…

The Doclopedia #171

The Infinite Doc: Doc, Scourge Of The 7 Seas

Two of the Docs we will be looking at this week are the result of a Doc from one reality or time passing into another reality or time. This is the first of those two.

It was the summer of 2015 and 25 year old Doc Cross, was on a road trip to visit an old friend in Maryland. He had left his home in San Francisco at midnight and was just crossing into Utah from Nevada when the road in front of his Honda Solarix just disappeared and he found himself driving through a cow pasture at 70 miles an hour on a sunny day. Slamming on the brakes, he came to a stop near a stone wall and sat there wondering what the hell had happened.

What had happened was that he had driven through a small timewarp, which are a lot more common than you might think. To speed our story along, Doc found himself in Ireland in the year 1630 with a three month old solar powered 4X4, a bunch of technological goodies, plenty of camping gear and several boxes of the latest in assault weaponry and ammunition. Oh, did we forget to mention that he had been a small time arms dealer? Well, he was.

Doc figured out that he wasn’t in his own time by using various genius phone apps to check things like the position of the stars and pollution levels. Once he had the century and the location figured out, he went to a small village, entered the local public house and asked if anyone would be interested in a method of killing lots of Englishmen really fast. He then used a silenced pistol firing smart bullets to shoot 14 mugs on 6 tables without hitting any humans. Inside of 3 days, he had 200 men willing to come listen to him talk.

By the time another week had passed, Doc was in contact with a good number of former sailors, all of whom joined in his plan to steal a fast sailing ship for a long sea voyage. How long? All the way to the West Coast of North America, specifically, into San Francisco Bay and up the delta to gold country. Yes, both the British and the Spanish tried to stop them, but when you have a Mark III Plasma Rifle, blowing holes in ships is pretty easy.

We’ll skip how Doc and his crew managed to get gold from both the American and Sacramento rivers and the various Spanish towns and missions. Suffice it to say that when the raiders snuck back into Ireland, they had more than enough gold to start up Doc’s more advanced plans.

Using the gold, demonstrations of his advanced weaponry and his natural talent at salesmanship, Doc soon had several very powerful men from several powerful countries backing him on a daring scheme. Having either bought or stolen 6 more ships, he took a large number of people with him to America, where they set up shop in the wilds of what would someday be Michigan. Before long, they had built a community centered around iron mining and the building of the world’s first blast furnace. In a remarkably short time, they were turning out some very good steel, which Doc then transported to a second town on the Atlantic coast, where it was used to build a ship.

More story compression: steel hulled ship with steel cannons and advanced 21st century weapons…steam engine…extremely loyal crew of Irishmen and freed slaves…a captain who knew what was going to happen in world politics before it happened…terrified navies of Britain, France, Spain, Portugal and anyone else who had a navy.

By 1650, the Dread Pirate Cross was the terror of the sea lanes and commerce took place only at his well reimbursed pleasure. For England, this reimbursement took the form of a free Ireland and Scotland. In America, Doc and his followers were pretty much ruling the roost anyway. With a fleet of 30 huge steel hulled ships, they expanded outward until everyone from China to India to Russia knew who was the boss.

For another few years, things went very smoothly and settlers looking for freedom and a better life poured into North America from all over the globe. Even considering that new immigrants only got 1 acre of land for every 5 the Native Peoples kept, the new country grew rapidly.

Then, in 1658, a secretly united Europe (which included many of those powerful men Doc had double crossed after returning from California) launched an enormous armada of steel clad ships with the express intent of taking out the Steel Navy. They figured that even with superior weaponry, Doc’s forces could not stand up to a 30 to 1 disadvantage, and they were right.

Which is why he had spent the last decade and a half building a fleet of 20 zeppelins, which he promptly used to send the United Europe Armada to the bottom of the Atlantic.

After that, they moved on to bombing London, Paris, Madrid, and 12 other major European cities until they were nothing but ruins. Continuing the theme of “You fucked with the wrong California boy”, the Aerial Navy moved on to Africa (particularly the Arab lands) and Asia, where he used the well tested method of blowing shit up to remove any thoughts of rebellion that might have been forming.

In 1665, Doc declared himself Emperor of the World and pretty much retired from the daily grind of being the Head Honcho. He appointed his eldest daughter, Poppy, as his successor and spent the remaining 45 years of his life with his team of scientists and engineers. Together they laid railroads, build submarines and even managed to knock out a few giant steam powered robots.

Doc died in his sleep in July of 1710 at the age of 105. Every year on that date, sailors of both the sea and sky hoist a drink in his honor.

The Secret War Between Forks And Spoons

…knives are neutral

The Doclopedia #170
The Infinite Doc: Doc, Boy Wizard 


On one of the Earths where magic exists in secret, young Doc Cross was born to parents who were both wizards. A few months later, they were killed by a very evil wizard who wanted to rule the world and then kill all of the non-wizardly humans. When he tried to kill the baby Doc though, his spell backfired and he only killed himself. About 14 years later, he got better and wanted revenge.

During those 14 years, young Doc was raised by an assortment of relatives, some magically endowed, some not, but all of them ornery and not apt to take shit from anybody. By the time he entered wizards school at age 11, young Doc was a wizard of some considerable power already and he was determined to find the evil wizards who had betrayed his parents and helped the Lord of Darkness.

The Lord of Darkness kept trying to return to a physical form, but Doc kept thwarting him. He and his friends were also killing off various evil wizards at a fairly impressive rate, almost always without the use of magic so as not to run afoul of the World Council on the Use Of Magic. Interestingly, a high caliber bullet or a tasteless and odorless fast acting poison will take out a wizard just as quickly as it will a non-wizard.

Eventually, when Doc was 15, the Lord of Darkness returned to the physical world, ready to start his world conquest plan anew…after he killed that annoying boy wizard. Despite only having four devoted followers left, he set a trap for Doc. Sure enough, when Doc wandered into the clearing in the Haunted Woods, the Lord of Darkness and his three followers appeared in a circle around him.

Note that we said three followers. That’s because the fourth betrayed his Dark Lordliness by informing Doc of the trap. He knew which way the wind was blowing.

And so, before the evil son of a bitch could so much as raise his wand, he was hit by Excruciating Pain spells from the wands of 104 of Doc’s friends and relatives, who had been hiding behind cloaking spells. The other three evil wizards were turned to stone, then sand, then glass by well placed spells. At that point, Doc hit each of them with a 16 pound sledge hammer. Adios, evil followers.

As the Lord of Darkness writhed and screamed in pain, Doc took away his wand, amulets, rings and clothing. He then cast a spell that canceled out the Excruciating Pain spells, but not before casting one other spell upon the wizard. Free of the pain, the wizard jumped up and tried to teleport away, but found that he couldn’t. That’s when Doc told him that he had cast the most forbidden of all spells upon him: the near mythical Demagicking Curse, which permanently stripped a wizard of all his magical powers. The former Lord of Darkness nearly went mad when he heard that.

But he REALLY went stark raving bark at the moon mad when Doc told him that he had found all of the items the wizard had hidden pieces of his soul in. Deducting for a few Doc had destroyed years earlier, that left 5, including the piece that had been imparted to Doc himself accidentally. Doc said that the former scumbag (who was so evil people were afraid to say his name) was still death free as long as those pieces remained intact and he had hidden each of them in a new and very dangerous location. He wished the now totally human and totally insane man a nice day, handed him a map of where to find the first clue to the location of the first item and then he and all his family and friends teleported away for a big celebratory party.

When, a week later, the World Council on the Use Of Magic came to arrest Doc for using forbidden magic, using magic underage and 57 other counts, he felt obliged to point out that not only had a 15 year old boy taken out the Lord of Darkness and his entire gang, he also knew the Demagicking Curse and had a shitload of very loyal friends and relatives and maybe the Council would rather just say thank you and then fuck off. After a rather brief discussion, the Council decided to just give him a stern warning and then fuck off.

Years later, Doc married his school sweetheart and they had 7 kids. He died at the ripe old age of 362, a much beloved figure in the wizard world.

541 years after Doc’s death, an insane old former wizard finally located the resting place of the last piece of his soul, a small ceramic heart, under a rock on the surface of the moon. After great and precise preparation he destroyed it, but he did not die. Instead, inside the ceramic heart was a note that read: “Did you REALLY think you’d get off this easy?”

In space, no one can hear you scream, but he sure tried.

Rum & Monkeys Don’t Mix

…trust me on this one


The Doclopedia #172

The Infinite Doc: Doc, Hollywood Heartthrob


On Earth 99, Doc Cross is a big time movie star and masturbatory fantasy for millions of straight women and gay men. He is tall, well built and a totally hot mix of boyishly charming and ruggedly handsome. Also, he’s well hung and rich. He has had affairs with dozens of women and fathered at least 9 children. He’s so sexy that when he was chosen to be the first American to play James Bond in the movies, hundreds of thousands of women worldwide called in sick to work so they could watch the press conference on tv.

The Revolution Will Be Teleported

…courtesy of Commander Montgomery Scott


The Doclopedia #169

The Infinite Doc: Doc, Criminal Mastermind


On an Earth that is very much like our own, Doc Cross is about to celebrate his 57th birthday…by causing a worldwide stock market crash.

You see, on this world, Doc has been an evil criminal mastermind for 55 of his 57 years. He is dangerous, deadly, ruthless and evil. How evil, you ask? Well, he has…

…toppled governments, then established new ones, then toppled them.

…a computer with a 500 terrabyte hard drive just to hold all of his blackmail material.

…has personally seduced and abandoned 600 women, some of them twice.

…started wars just so he can sell faulty arms & armor to both sides

…pushed 6 bus loads of nuns & orphans down a steep hill leading to a cliff and then bet on which one would go over first

…exchanged Christmas cards with Dick Cheney

…shot a man, woman, two teenagers and a goat in Reno, just to watch them die

…skipped the soliloquy and just popped a cap in the British secret service agent’s head

…personally been responsible for canceling the last 4 Joss Whedon television series partway through the first season

…caused earthquakes, floods, wildfires and mudslides

…pimped out your mom AND your dad

…stolen candy from babies

…released various terrible plagues just because he was bored

…encouraged George Lucas to do more Star Wars sequels

Crazed Ducks Ran Rampant Through My Coreopsis

…they trampled the Limerock Ruby and crapped on the Moonbeam

The Doclopedia #168

The Infinite Doc: Doc, Lord Of The Jungle 


It was in the fall of 1910 that Professor and Mrs. Cross arrived in the Congo, where The professor would be studying the local wildlife while his wife would be teaching the natives while raising their only child, young Robert, age 6 months.

Years passed and Robert grew into a strapping young lad of 16. Schooled in both the ways of the jungle and the ways of civilized society, he could move easily in either world, though he vastly preferred the jungle. The people of the jungle revered him as a great warrior, while the animals, especially the great apes, considered him an equal.

Shortly after turning 16, it was decided by his parents that the family would return to America, where Robert would attend university. During a sad farewell, he promised his jungle friends that he would be back someday. Then he and his parents left.

Due to his great intelligence and the fine schooling his mother had provided, Robert breezed through university and graduated with a degree in veterinary medicine (thus earning the nickname “Doc”). He then promptly left to go on an extended tour of the world’s wild places, breaking the hearts of dozens of young ladies who had fallen for his barely civilized manliness.

Ten years later, at the age of 30, he returned to the Congo and his jungle home. Over the next few decades, he fought all manner of evils, human and otherwise. He succeeded in not only making sure that vast areas of Africa would be preserved for nature (often by what civilized people might call “terrifying intimidation”), he also help oust many Europeans and Americans who tried to take control of various countries. Along the way, he met and married the daughter of a Zulu leader. They had 5 children.

Inevitably, civilization crept ever closer and Doc, now nearing 70 years old, retreated far into the deep jungle. After a few years, it was believed that he was dead. However, in 2010, he was sighted and interviewed by a camera crew from the PBS series, “Nature”. At that point, he was 100 years old, but anybody seeing the video footage would swear he was no older than 50, tops. When later asked how this could be possible, a tribal chief would only laugh and say that the Jungle Lord would live as long as the jungle needed him.