Ovoviviporous Snakes Ate My Phalaropes

…I love writing stuff like that

Ok, so I’m still one day behind. I suck. Two posts tomorrow, I swear!

The Doclopedia #139

On New Year’s Eve…:

…of 1460, a poor Chinese farmer named Yu Ming was walking home from his fields when he was approached by two very tall men. Yu Ming himself was 5’9” tall and these men towered over him by at least two feet. Thinking that they must be agents of the Emperor, he cast his eyes downward and awaited whatever they had to say.

It was with great surprise that Yu Ming heard them speak in the most wonderfully musical voices he had ever heard. It was as though the songs of birds had been blended with human speech! He was even more surprised when they called him by name and told him that they wanted to buy his land and would give him much gold for it.

NOW, Yu Ming had never heard of the Empire buying a person’s land and even if he had, they would not have offered as much gold as these two men (whose skin, Yu Ming now noticed, seemed to have a decidedly blue tint to it) had offered. Yu Ming was beginning to think that perhaps these were not men at all, but demons of some sort, when they emptied out a small bucket of gold onto the road in front of him. If he would but accept this as the first payment on his land, they said, he would be very wealthy and powerful quite soon.

It may be argued that, having actually had some education in his early years, Yu Ming was not nearly superstitious enough to avoid dealing with these two strange giants. What cannot be argued is that he began scooping up the gold and telling the maybe demons that his land was theirs.

AT THIS POINT, the two men thanked him and told him to continue using his land as he saw fit, because they would not come to take ownership until 30 years had passed. However, regular payments in gold would arrive every year for the next 5 years, if that was alright with Yu Ming. Our formerly poor farmer told them that it was certainly alright by him. With that, the men bade him good evening and walked off.

For the next 30 years, Yu Ming lived a very good life indeed. Being a kind hearted man, he helped many people in his village improve their lot in life. By the time the men were due to come claim his land, former farmer was a powerful and beloved man. He had many children and grandchildren and his business interests were spread out across the Empire.

AND THEN, the very tall blue men, who were really truly demons after all, came back with untold thousands of their race to claim Yu Ming’s land. And by “Yu Ming’s land”, they had meant China. All of it.

And that, my friends, is why China was ruled by giant blue demons who kept the human populace as both slaves and food animals until 1823, when a group of Tibetan mystics summoned up a “cleansing wind” that swept down out of the Himalayan Mountains and wiped the blue demons off the face of the earth. Which, due to China’s vastly reduced and cowed population, allowed everyone from India to Japan to Russia to England to those upstarts in the United States, to start claiming portions of the country for themselves. Which, as you might imagine, is another story.


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