Yellow Cupcakes

…lemon flavored

The Doclopedia #263

Altered (United) States: Oklahoma “Texas? What’s a Texas?”

The title says it all: On not one or two, but five different Earths, Texas does not exist because it is part of the ginormous State of Oklahoma. Oddly though, all of these Oklahomas exist in very ordinary worlds. There is some variation of climate and all are at different historical periods, ranging from 1926 to 2103, but other than that there’s not much to talk about.

Well, ok, on three of these worlds the Tulsa Cowboys have won 8 Superbowls, but aside from that…

The Adventures Of Harry Potter, Sparkly Vampire, In Middle Earth: Klingon Terminators Attack!

…somewhere, a fanboy just keeled over dead

Well shit! I’m way behind on Doclopedia posts, so this wekend is gonna be all about catching up again. I’m gonna be very glad when I hit the 365 point, so I can switch to doing just 3 of them per week.

For now though, enjoy this one.

The Doclopedia #262

Altered (United) States: Ohio “The Steam State”

There is nothing really strange or bizarre about the Ohio of Earth 31. No mutants, no monsters, no battles between heroes & villains. What this Ohio does is make steam engines. Lots and lots of steam engines…huge ones, tiny ones, super efficient ones, lightweight ones…if your Infernal Device or Grand Invention runs on steam, odds are that the engine was built in Ohio.

Now, to be sure, other places do have steam engine factories, but not of the huge size or incredible numbers that Ohio has. Cleveland alone has 126 registered steam engine factories, including the newest factory for making steam engines that operate on Hartonium, that incredible compound devised by Professor Alvin Hart of Sandusky.

For more information, write to the Ohio Steam Board at 222 Foundry Road, Cincinnati, Ohio.

I Left No Tern Unstoned

…afterwards, we all got the munchies and ate the hell outta fish

The Doclopedia #261

Altered (United) States: North Dakota “The Nexus State”

On Earth 77, where Kansas is home to 83 portals connecting various places on Earth, the state of North Dakota is home to 255 nexus points that connect Earth to other worlds. Actually, that’s not quite true just yet, as we’ll explain.

In 1988 a strange opaque dome of energy a mile across and 1,000 feet high at the center popped into being on property owned by Palmer Farms, located just a few miles east of Minot, North Dakota. The energy dome was totally impenetrable by anything known to science, including lasers. The government cordoned off the area and studied the dome. They didn’t learn much.

For two years, the dome just sat there doing nothing but frustrating scientists. Then on May 14, 1990, a voice heard worldwide on all radio and television frequencies said “The dome is now open for viewing and one way passage”. Sure enough, the dome became clear and the outline of a large double doorway sized portal appeared on the southern side.

Inside the dome, it was found that there were four concentric rings of portals measuring about 20′ x 20′ and about 10 inches thick. The central ring held three portals, while the next rings were made up of 12, 48 and 192 of the same sized portals. Thousands of creatures, some looking almost human, most looking like no life form found on Earth, were busily going in and out of portals. None of them even looked towards the gawking humans.

After noting that the portal on the dome had a digital readout saying “3 Humans may pass”, the government set about assembling a team to enter the dome. A week later, they had two Special Forces soldiers and a scientist fully equipped and ready to step through the portal. The two Special Forces guys went through first.

But all of their stuff stayed behind. There they were, on the other side, wearing just their uniforms but without so much as a wallet or ring on them. They immediately tried to come back trough, but couldn’t. In fact, the people on the Earth side couldn’t even hear them, though they could clearly see them.

With a laugh, the scientist stepped through the portal. Like the others, his stuff stayed behind. There were a few minutes of rather animated conversation between the three of them before they noticed a tall and somewhat gelatinous humanoid creature approaching them. Apparently, it spoke to them for several minutes, after which the scientist turned towards the dome and spoke to those on Earthside. Video of what he said was viewed by lip readers who related this…

“We cannot see or hear you from this side. This being is our guide and will be escorting us around a few worlds. We will be allowed to return to this spot to give reports from time to time, but cannot pass back through until we have been sufficiently evaluated. Our guide also requests that you send through another group of three made up of females. More instruction will be forthcoming. We are doing fine so far. Tell our families that we will see them when this is over.”

A few seconds later, the humans and their guide walked over to a portal and stepped through it. They were not seen again for two weeks.

Eventually, 50 teams of 3 went through the portal, with each team being representative of the diversity of the human species, including children and the mentally/physically disabled. Most of them were not citizens of the United States, by specific request of the aliens. Each team stayed two weeks and visited as many as 8 alien worlds. They met hundreds of sentient species, not all of them carbon based oxygen breathers. Every single human that came back from the trip had a totally different outlook on life. All of the disabled people were cured of their disabilities. They spent several weeks being debriefed and several more weeks on the worldwide talk show circuit.

After the 50th group returned, the portal into the dome vanished for several years, but reopened in 2002. Once again, a voice spoke to the world, giving a list of 2,648 people that should come through the gate as soon as possible. Naturally, they did, going through nine days later. The voice then said that these were our envoys and would be trained to guide humans towards eventual candidacy for entering the Pan Galactic Union.

The current year on Earth 77 is 2008 and the people who went through have yet to return, although the Voice gives monthly reassurance that their training is going well. In the mean time, humanity watches and waits.

Please Don’t Feed The Cannibals

…we have them on a strictly Republican diet

The Doclopedia #260

Altered (United) States: North Carolina “The Hippie State”

On Earth 72, the Summer of Love was actually started in 1964 and went on until 1973. the hippie philosophy of peace and love was many times more attractive to young people than it ever was in our world, spreading worldwide and eventually toppling dictatorships and most of the communist governments. In the United States, things got really interesting in 1968, when some hippie leaders thought it might be “a good teaching event” if many thousands of hippies “took over a redneck state”. So, in the summer of 1969, they put together a huge music and arts festival just outside the town of Wilson. The state was told that 50,000 tickets had been sold.

500,000 hippies showed up for the 4 day festival.

Another 300,000 showed up after it was over.

Only 150,000 left the state over the next 6 months.

The hippie leaders had stealthily rented or purchased houses, business properties, farms and undeveloped land all over the state. Enough to house about 200,000 people. The rest moved onto the undeveloped land and built houses, tipis, tent villages, etc.

Most of the money came from wealthy hippie supporters. The rest came from the several million dollars made at the festival.

The North Carolina government tried everything to get the hippies out and they did manage to get about 25% of them out, but it was a losing battle because they just snuck back in and even more hippies arrived every day. Eventually, the cost of all the hippie eradication just became too much.

The redneck vigilantes tried a tougher approach, but back off fast when they found that many hippies had armed themselves.

Today (current year: 2010), the Hippie State is peaceful, prosperous and mellow, man. It is a favorite destination for tourists from all over the world.

Tom Waits For No Man

…yes, I’m a very bad boy

The Doclopedia #259

Altered (United) States: New York “Teslafied!”

It’s really simple: The Age of Steam came to a screaming halt when Thomas Edison died of a heart attack and Nikola Tesla took over and ushered in the Age of Electricity with hundreds of inventions, primary among them the Cold Fusion Generator.

By 1920, you’d be hard pressed to find a steam engine anywhere except in the remotest village. The coal industry? Deader than a road kill possum. Petroleum products? Mostly lubricants for fusion powered vehicles and machinery. War? Rare, since Tesla’s Death Rays pretty much meant the first strike was the last strike.

New York State was the center for all of this change, since Tesla lived in New York City and built his various laboratories and factories around the state. He was offered the governorship several times, but always refused. To say that New York (and the rest of the USA) loved Tesla would be the pinnacle of understatement. In a 1935 survey of New Yorkers, Tesla beat out Jesus 3-1 as the person most people would like to meet.

Nikola Tesla died on June 3rd, 1946 during an experiment using computers and a new energy source. He left a third of his wealth (estimated at 15 billion dollars) to the State of New York, where he is buried. The people of the state celebrate Tesla Day every year on his birthday.

The Tesla Corporation is still the largest and most innovative company on earth, with a 1990 (current date) worth of 2.5 trillion dollars.

Fun Fact: The accident that killed Tesla actually transferred his life force into the computers he was using. He has told very few people of this. Even now, his scientists at Tesla Robotics are working on lifelike androids, unaware that Mr. Tesla is planning a comeback as soon as they perfect them.

Hulk Channel Anger Into Creative Energy

…he’s way different since the therapy

The Doclopedia #258

Altered (United) States: New Mexico “The Constant State”

No matter what dimensions you might travel to, if there is a United States of America there, you can be sure that New Mexico is pretty much like every other New Mexico. No matter how strange the rest of the world might get, all New Mexico’s are like all others. Oh, they might be in different technological eras and have differences in population and such, but New Mexico will always be free of the strange stuff.

Is the rest of the world a fantasy world? Not New Mexico! (which is really strange, given that the state nickname is “Land of Enchantment”)

Cowboys roping dinosaurs in Texas? That shit stops on the New Mexican border.

Giant Alien Robots rampaging across the Land of the Free? You’re safe in Albuquerque (or Gallup or Taos or Hatch or Tucumcari or anywhere else in the state)

The New Mexico Constancy Factor, as cross dimensional travelers call it, can be very useful if one wishes to escape from pursuers. It works like this: Sarah is being pursued by an unstoppable robotic killer sent into the past to kill her. Both of them can dimension hop via a stable gateway that Sarah can create, but which stays open for 30 minutes after she creates it. Since the robotic killer is never more than 10 minutes behind her, this doesn’t do her much good…unless she connects a gateway to New Mexico in some other dimension. She goes through it, the killer follows…BUT, the killer appears just across the border in some other state AND he cannot cross the border. If Sarah is really clever, she’ll create a gateway into a fantasy based world, in which case the killer robot either changes into a much easier to outrun/kill golem or it just blinks out of existence.

At which point, Sarah goes out for a beer and some yummy Southwestern food.

Don’t Look Behind You Or You’ll See The Rat Man

…you looked, didn’t you?

The Doclopedia #257

Altered (United) States: New Jersey “Bedeviled”

Shortly after the first white settlers set foot in New Jersey, a terrible creature came out of the forest and killed a few of them. Thus was the legend of the Jersey Devil born. Except, of course, that it wasn’t a legend and there are several different creatures called Jersey Devils running around the state killing, maiming and scaring the shit out of people.

The creature most often seen in the Pine Barrens area is a winged humanoid with a rather goatlike face and cloven hooves. It does not usually kill people, but will scratch and bite them. It has also been known to carry people weighing up to 175 pounds into the air before dropping them a mile or so away.

Up in the mountainous northwest of the state, the local Devils look like very hairy humans with overly long legs and arms, glowing green eyes and extra wide mouths full of sharp teeth. They kill six or seven people a year, often eating part of them.

In the heavily populated urban areas of the northeast, pale skinned underground dwelling devils sometimes come to the surface and attack humans with weapons carved from bones.

One form of Devil found in the far south end of New Jersey looks like a cross between a horse and a large dog. It seems to have a high intelligence as well as being the most bloodthirsty of all Devils. One of these creatures was responsible for the Cape May Slumber Party Massacre of 1987, in which 11 girls and 4 boys were killed and ripped apart.

Over the centuries, dozens of efforts have been mounted to find and eradicate the various Jersey Devils. Many hundreds of both Devils and hunters have been killed, but even though attacks sometimes stop for as long as 20 years, they always resume. For that reason, there are several areas of New Jersey that humans are forbidden to enter.

One final note on the Jersey Devils: A rumor persists that on a summer night in 1928, creatures from another world landed near Grover’s Mill, New Jersey and began attacking local homes. It is said that Jersey Devils by the dozens appeared and, according to one eyewitness “tore them creatures to bits, then carried off that big old pie plate looking ship”. The US military arrived shortly afterwards and by morning, the survivors of the attack went on record as blaming all the destruction on the Devils. All evidence of the attack was cleaned up and taken back to Washington.

Oddly, nobody involved in the attack ever said a disparaging word about the Devils after that and to this day there has not been a Devil attack within 3 miles of Grover’s Mill.

It is believed that Orson Welles based his 1938 radio version of “War of the Worlds” in part on the Grover’s Mill incident.