…or I swear I’ll pull this blog over and make you walk home
The Doclopedia #349
My Family: Cousin Delbertina
My cousin Delbertina is a big woman…6 feet 9 inches tall, 400 pounds. My Grandma used to say that Delbertina could go bear hunting with a willow switch and a scary look. This was not true. She actually needs a two by four and a scary look, unless she’s PMSing, in which case all she needs is the scary look. You want to know why bears shit in the woods? Because they see Delbertina coming at them with a two by four! She is currently married to her fifth husband, Yuri, because she keeps breaking them. Husbands, not two by fours. In 1987, Delbertina and her then husband Norman went on a hike through the Cascade Mountain Range. This prompted no less that 54 reports that a sasquatch was kidnapping a human. It didn’t do a hell of a lot for her mood and reports of terrified bears running into the flatlands skyrocketed.
The Doclopedia #350
My Family: Uncle Mephisto
Uncle Mephisto was one of my more fun uncles. He loved to invent things that almost always exploded, shorted out in a huge flash of sparks or just burst into flames. Now, he wasn’t trying for these pyrotechnics, but we kids sure loved watching them, despite our mothers telling us to “Stand back! Farther! FARTHER!” Aunt Deedee, Uncle Mephisto’s wife, was a patient soul who became so adept at treating burns that she was asked to give lectures at medical schools. When Uncle Mephisto vanished in the unfortunate “Jet Powered Skateboard Accident of 1995” (really, he hit about 125 miles an hour and he and the skateboard just disappeared), Aunt Deedee went to work as a burn center nurse. Some years later, she married a man named Otto who owned a worm farm.