A Cute Newt In A Zoot Suit Had Plenty Of Loot And Fruit To Boot

…but he had scoot

Grace Update: My Sweet Little Broken Armed Gingerbread Cookie Of Passion took a 2 mile walk this morning up to the McDonalds to get an Egg McMuffin. she did well, although it tuckered her out and she’s now sleeping like a comatose log.

Dog Update: Winker & Lucy are healthy and spoiled. They have both been VERY good girls since Grace broke her arm. Oddly enough, they are also sleeping just now.

Doc Update: I’m doing fine healthwise, but mentally I’m going “AAAAIIIIEEEE!!!!” because of tending to everybody here at the old homestead AND dealing with idiots at work AND psyching myself up for the dive into doing even more writing AND getting ready to do self publishing of PDFs. However, I’m NOT asleep right now.

The Fat Old Hippie Dances

…and frolics, too

Here it is, folks! The 365th of my 365 posts in 365 days! Go me! The winner of the Bribe-A-Thon was Avis Crane, the ONLY one of you scurvy dogs to offer a proper bribe.

Note: There will now be about a week or two before I resume doing Doclopedia posts at a rate of about 3 a week.

The Doclopedia #365

The 365th Post Bribe-A-Thon Winner: Avis Crane, AKA The Nightbird

In the year 1900, Steam Age San Francisco can be a dirty, hard and dangerous place to live. Between the Steam Barons, the corrupt politicians & cops, the dozens of criminal organizations and the several Mad Scientists, the City By The Bay and most of the rest of the Bay Area is a constant scene of turf wars, dog eat dog business deals and plain old murder. You can’t trust anyone and everyone is out for themselves.

Avis Crane, Private Investigator, is right in the middle of it.

Nicknamed “The Nightbird” for her singular name and her nocturnal habits, Avis works out of a dreary office in the heart of the Tenderloin, one of the worst neighborhoods in the city. On a good day, she pays her rent and her bar tab by getting the goods on cheating spouses. On bad days, she’s dodging bullets, double crosses and most of the police force while trying to piece together a murder. If you asked her why she stays there, risking her life for $10.00 a day plus expenses, she’d only shrug and say “ I’ve got nothin’ better to do.”

Little is known about the first 35 years of The Nightbird’s life. Rumor has it she grew up back east somewhere, maybe Ohio, maybe New England. Nobody knows for sure. From some of the things she says, it’s a fair bet that she was university educated and later fought in the Great War of 1880. She never mentions her family or her life before coming to San Francisco seven years ago. She’s not married but does see a couple of different men from time to time, when she not working.

As far as friends go…real friends…Avis can count them on one hand. There’s Jen Chiang, her oldest and best female friend. Jen is a doctor working out of the Chinatown hospital and has patched Avis up more than once.

Then there’s Inspector Ben Carlson, SFPD. He’s a mostly honest homicide cop with a good deal of respect and affection for Avis.

Hank and Paulette Gaines are a couple of mechanics working for Consolidated Industries that also invent things on the side and keep Avis’ 12 year old automobile running. They are very fond of her and keep trying to steer her towards a better way of life.

Finally, there’s Doctor California, one of the most wealthy, powerful and intelligent of the Mad Scientist/Criminal Mastermind ilk. He has a great admiration and fatherly love for Avis. While he will not actually provide her with resources of a tangible nature, he will very often send her packets of information that help her out on a case. He has also, discreetly, provided back up for her on a few occasions, none of which Avis has been aware of. In return for his help and guidance, Avis has sworn to never “be a problem” to him. This is made easy by the fact that Doctor California almost never commits crimes in the Golden State.

Beyond her few real friends, Avis has pals, acquaintances and contacts all over the Bay Area. From lowly bag men up to wealthy socialites, to cabbies to dozens of bartenders, The Nightbird has many ways of getting information.

Avis Crane stands 5’11” tall. Her hair is brown and worn unfashionably short. Her eyes are green and there is a small scar under the left one. She’s slender, but pretty muscular. If you saw her in the nude, you’d comment on all of her scars.

Avis is a strange mix of world weary cynic and Romantic optimist. She doesn’t believe in pointless violence, but when she thinks there’s a point to it, she can dish it out hot and fast. Her hand to hand fighting skills are very good and she’s a crack shot with either her Colt .45 or her Wilson Arms Magnetic Pistol. She also carries a couple of knives.

Being a sucker for a handsome face or a well told sob story are probably her biggest flaws and at one time or another, both have gotten her arrested, assaulted or both. She will admit that she should learn something from all that, but she never seems to.

Her office is at 750 Maple Street, third floor, in the back. Open from 3:30 PM until dawn.

Tales Calculated To Make You Go “EWWWWWW!”

…on sale now!

The Doclopedia #364

Basset Hounds…in Space!: Captain Roscoe

Captain Roscoe T. Dogg, commander of the starship “Fetch!”, is the most famous captain in Dogstarfleet. He has won many battles (both military and diplomatic), discovered many new worlds, made first contact with many new species and had sex with more alien bitches than the next 6 captains combined.

Captain Roscoe is a red and white Basset Hound with rugged good looks and long ears that the females love (and you know what they say about long ears on a male:). He is always in great physical shape and never shies away from a fight. He’s an older dog, but he’s always learning new tricks. Many of these tricks are learned from the above mentioned alien bitches.

His command style is a very effective mix of easy going and demanding of perfection. He works hard and plays hard and expects the same from his crew. He is not a “by the book” kind of dog, which drives his superiors crazy. Still, they always have to admit that his way of doing things is effective. Of course, that’s also why he is the #1 Most Hated Enemy of the Kittycat and Ferret empires.

The Mooniper In Juniper

…no, I don’t know why

The Doclopedia #363

Assorted Books (Bad Style): The Book of Winning

“Any young person who reads The Book of Winning, by Reverend Bertram K. Bonner, will surely profit from it. The sound moral stories and examples of how leading an upright life will help one “win” in life, especially when absorbed at an early age. This book is highly recommended for boys and girls age 8 to 12. 400 pages, $1.10”

That’s what the advertisement said in 1900 when the book was published, and it sold over two million copies in the United States, but for people who knew how to really read it, it offered a hell of a lot more than a righteous life.

The truth was, “Reverend” Bonner was merely one of the many identities used by Stanley Jessup, a con man & gambler of legendary talent. Young grifters who showed a natural aptitude were often referred to the book by their older counterparts. By reading only certain sentences, one could learn dozens of secrets for separating the gullible and/or greedy from their money, as well as the best ways to avoid detection by the police or detective agencies and which parts of the United States were best for which kind of cons.

Not a bad deal for only $1.10!

The Most Dangerous Babe on The Block

…she was trouble from head to toe, except for that one small spot on her left arm

The Doclopedia #361

Worst. Smells. EVAR: Gilvian Cat-Ape Sweat

The scent of the Cat-Apes, found thankfully only on Gilvia 4, is disgusting enough to begin with, but when they begin to sweat, it’s enough to make a robot want to hurl.

Described as a combination of the worst aspects of rotting chicken flesh, human diarrhea, a corpse lily and the fart of a dying wildebeest, it can and does drive away most of the other animals, including predators, for hundreds of meters around, with the exception of the Gilvian Stonewolf, which has no appreciable sense of smell and only eats Cat-Apes.

The Doclopedia #362

Apocalypse Survival Kits: Kaiju Attack Kit

Thank you for purchasing the DocCo “Kaiju Attack Survival Kit: Fire Breathing Dinosaur Version”. In this kit you will find…

One bottle of Kaopectate
One fireproof/radiation proof suit
One “Giant Multiheaded Dragon” holographic projector
One “Giant Multiheaded Dragon” CD, with CD player
One battery power packet, with timer
One Kumitsu Motors 500cc “Starfire” street/dirt motorcycle.

To use: First, upon hearing that a kaiju is approaching your city, drink the entire bottle of Kaopectate. This will help you not to shit yourself when you see the kaiju.

Next, go about a mile from your house and set up the holographic projector and the CD player (with CD loaded) by plugging them into the battery power pack.

Now, estimate how long it will be before the enormous fire breathing kaiju gets within visual range of where you are standing.

Then, set the timer for one minute after that.

Finally, jump on the motorcycle and start hauling ass in the opposite direction of the kaiju as soon as he sees and hears the hologram of his most hated enemy. Kaiju are not smart, so you should have at least 15 minutes to put your home behind you. Don’t stop until you are at least 200 miles away.

We hope you enjoy our product and urge you to check out the Giant Ape, Humongous Moth, Terrifyingly Huge Shark and Motherfucking Enormous Octopus versions.

Doc Tempest VS The Giant Of The North

…from the August, 1958 issue and co-starring Doc Mystery. Master Detective

The Doclopedia #359

The Seven Kingdoms: Brindolhoff

The mighty kingdom of Brindolhoff is the largest of the Seven Kingdoms, being 150 miles from north to south and 700 miles from west to east. It is also the most populous, with 4,000,000 people…a quarter of whom are part of the military and/or police.

Why so many? Because Brindolhoff is charged with protecting the other 6 Kingdoms from the Northern Horde. Brindolhoff receives a nice bit of gold and goods for this service.

Although it is the northmost Kingdom, Brindolhoff is not a cold and rugged place. In fact, it is made up mostly of rolling hills, river valleys and light woods. Most of the Seven Kingdoms grain comes from there, as do all of the best horses and cattle.

The Brinders (as they prefer to be called) are not an overly tall race, with few reaching 6 feet, but they are a muscular and tough bunch. Their army is feared only slightly less than the Undead Legions of Nor-Halat. They prefer fighting from horseback using bows at distance, then axes up close.

Every year, in the capital city of Durgarf, the Brinders hold what amounts to a week of drunken revelry. Twice they’ve nearly burned the entire city to the ground. Those years are very fondly remembered.

The Doclopedia #360

Poultry That Saved The Day: The Duck Who Killed Hitler

In July of 1943, Adolph Hitler and Joseph Goebbels got on a plane in Berlin and began flying west to a still unknown destination. At about the two hour mark of the trip, a very large mallard duck crashed through the cockpit window, killing the pilot, mostly blinding the co-pilot with flying glass and then causing the cockpit door to be jammed shut. The plane rolled three times, causing the passengers to be thrown around and seriously injured. The co-pilot, despite his failing vision managed to right the plane, but then passed out from blood loss.

Amazingly, the plane kept flying, though on a slowly descending path. By the time it was spotted by British pilots,who were pretty certain that the demolished cockpit meant it was no longer manned, it was low enough that they could predict that it would crash just a few miles from the British coastline in Suffolk. And sure enough, it did just that, right into a farmer’s pond. The plane sustained minimal damage, but the few badly injured survivors were killed.

Within hours, Churchill himself was the scene. It is said that he welcomed the very much dead Hitler and Goebbels to England. The headlines the next day read “Hitler Comes To England…To Die!” The effect upon the British people (and much of the rest of Europe) was electrifying. The effect on the German people, including the military, was devastating. Soldiers deserted in droves and many industrialists began getting the hell out of the country. In 6 more months, the war in Europe was over.

The body of the duck was given a full royal funeral and he was posthumously awarded the Knight Grand Cross of the Order of the British Empire and his tomb, on the grounds of Buckingham Palace, reads “Sir Mallard, Savior of Britain and Europe”. To this day, the hunting of mallard ducks is illegal in the United Kingdom and much of Europe.

Would You Like A Big Bowl Of Suck With Your Birthday Cake?

…well, you’re getting it anyway!

Yesterday, My Sweet Angel, Grace, fell and broke her upper right arm. Today is her birthday.

Great googly moogly, what a day. Only got to sleep for about 4.5 hours. Have been assisting Grace, shopping, etc, etc. will sleep well tonight thanks to my old pal Guinness and my recent buddy, Exhaustion.

Grace is doing better. She saw an orthopedist at the clinic a short walk from here and he gave her a better arm restraint. Her Vicodin pain pills seem to be working well.