…Bow wow, mon. how ’bout I and I be eatin’ some noms?
The Doclopedia #351
My Family: Aunt Tessie
Aunt Tessie was famous in our family as an artist. She loved to paint scenes with animals, flowers, butterflies or trees. Often, she’d fit all of those in the same picture. She had real talent and she won awards and sold her art for good money.
The problem was, Aunt Tessie was both hyperactive and had OCD. She might also have been bi-polar, but if she was, she hardly ever hung out at the depressed pole. Of course, back then, we just thought she was kinda nutty. The biggest problem happened was she ran out of canvases to paint on. That is why most of the flat and non flat surfaces of her house had something painted on them. Uncle Ferd fell asleep watching a Giants game one night and when he woke up he was covered in butterflies, lilacs and a kitten. After that, if any of us visited Aunt Tessie, we brought along syuff for her to pain on and we never sat still for too long.
The Doclopedia #352
My Family: Cousin Lars
I liked Cousin Lars, but he was pretty much a total wackjob. He was a big believer in UFOs, Bigfoot, Men In Black, world spanning conspiracies and the hollow earth, to name but a few. His house was full of evidence and research and suppressed books and stuff like that.
By the time he turned 40, Lars was as paranoid as a cat in a yard full of sleeping pitbulls. This made him fun at family events, especially since my family likes to fuck with people’s mental issues. There would always be a couple of strangers there, often dressed in black. It really livened things up.
Lars vanished in 1995 and most of the family think he just went totally bonkers and ran off to the deep woods or something. His longtime girlfriend and fellow wackjob, Dawanda, has a different story. She says he was abducted by alien sasquatches who work for a vast conspiracy that is based inside our hollow planet. She says that she had actual video tape of the abduction, but that she was forced to give it up to Men In Black who threatened her with a chupacabra on a leash, then put a microchip in her brain.
I think Lars would have liked that.