Jet Powered Robot Kid

…more fake anime

The Doclopedia #353

My Family: Uncle Smitty

Old Uncle Smitty was about 85 when I was 10 and he used to tell us kids all sorts of great stories about having been an accountant and an insurance salesman and living in the same small town (population: 2,500) all his life. He told great stories about actuarial tables and tax shelters and meetings at the Oddfellows and Elks. We loved listening to him.

Imagine our disappointment years later, in our teens at his wake, when we learned that he had actually run away from his home in New York City at age 13 and bummed around for several years. Even worse, we found out that he had fought in the Spanish American War with his close friend, Teddy Roosevelt! And been decorated for valor!

It got worse! We learned that he had been a spy for the United States government in Europe and Asia…that he had been a top spy during World War I and had seduced many European women to get information…that he had personally killed dozens of German soldiers with his bare hands…That after the war, he traveled the globe having many adventures…that during World War II he was a trusted advisor to both Churchill and FDR…and that he only settled in that small town (from which he ran a top secret branch of the CIA) shortly after the war.

We all agreed that he had been an old fraud and broken our hearts. Fuck him.

The Doclopedia #354

My Family: Aunt Fern

Aunt Fern believed that she was actually the secret granddaughter of Emperor Joshua Norton, whom she claimed actually lived until 1899 under the name George Hastings, a farmer in Merced, California. Of course, Aunt Fern also believed that gnomes lived under the local Moose Lodge and that her cat, Sammy, was actually the reincarnation of her late husband Gary. She also sometimes danced butt naked in the moonlight in the park near the old Western Auto store.

One day when she was 77, Aunt Fern decided that she knew how to get to the Emerald City of Oz by using the interstate highway system. She packed her old Ford station wagon up and she and Sammy hit the road. That was the last time we ever saw her in person, although we would get postcards from her over the next 20 years. The last one came from Wonderland. As my father said when he saw it, I guess she made a wrong turn at Albuquerque.

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