The Most Dangerous Babe on The Block

…she was trouble from head to toe, except for that one small spot on her left arm

The Doclopedia #361

Worst. Smells. EVAR: Gilvian Cat-Ape Sweat

The scent of the Cat-Apes, found thankfully only on Gilvia 4, is disgusting enough to begin with, but when they begin to sweat, it’s enough to make a robot want to hurl.

Described as a combination of the worst aspects of rotting chicken flesh, human diarrhea, a corpse lily and the fart of a dying wildebeest, it can and does drive away most of the other animals, including predators, for hundreds of meters around, with the exception of the Gilvian Stonewolf, which has no appreciable sense of smell and only eats Cat-Apes.

The Doclopedia #362

Apocalypse Survival Kits: Kaiju Attack Kit

Thank you for purchasing the DocCo “Kaiju Attack Survival Kit: Fire Breathing Dinosaur Version”. In this kit you will find…

One bottle of Kaopectate
One fireproof/radiation proof suit
One “Giant Multiheaded Dragon” holographic projector
One “Giant Multiheaded Dragon” CD, with CD player
One battery power packet, with timer
One Kumitsu Motors 500cc “Starfire” street/dirt motorcycle.

To use: First, upon hearing that a kaiju is approaching your city, drink the entire bottle of Kaopectate. This will help you not to shit yourself when you see the kaiju.

Next, go about a mile from your house and set up the holographic projector and the CD player (with CD loaded) by plugging them into the battery power pack.

Now, estimate how long it will be before the enormous fire breathing kaiju gets within visual range of where you are standing.

Then, set the timer for one minute after that.

Finally, jump on the motorcycle and start hauling ass in the opposite direction of the kaiju as soon as he sees and hears the hologram of his most hated enemy. Kaiju are not smart, so you should have at least 15 minutes to put your home behind you. Don’t stop until you are at least 200 miles away.

We hope you enjoy our product and urge you to check out the Giant Ape, Humongous Moth, Terrifyingly Huge Shark and Motherfucking Enormous Octopus versions.


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