The Flying Spanaducci Sisters in “Ropin’, Ridin’ & Romance”

…co-starring the Ritz Brothers

Doc Update

I’m going to try to do near daily posts on here, but you never know what Real Life stuff will pop up to get in the way of that.

I hope to post some roleplaying ideas and such, as well as a review of some of my favorite music, fims and television. Of course, there will also be more mundane posts about the goings on here at Casa Cross.

I might even do some polls as to what you’d like to read about.

Grace Update

Her broken arm is nearly healed, but she still has a fair amount of pain and needs to regain full motion of the arm. She is sleeping much better at night and will hopefully be back to her old self soon.

Winker & Lucy Update

The Girls are doing very well, healthwise. Winkers heart condition seems to be under control thanks to her twice daily pills and she is full of piss & vinegar. Lucy is is great health physically, but will always be our sweet neurotic nelly. Both dogs are very badly spoiled.

Garden Update

The garden deserves a post all its own, but suffice to say it is doing pretty well despite my benign neglect.

 

And now…Doclopedia posts!

 

The Doclopedia #378

 The Rise Of The…: Insects

 The insects didn’t come here with us. Not that they couldn’t have, mind you, they just didn’t want to. I don’t much blame them. Even inside the Domes, Antarctica is a hard life. A million and a half people just barely getting by is pretty much the definition of not fun.

But the insects leave us alone, which is better than their human slaves back in the Warm get. I’m told that most of them don’t live past 40. At least here in the Domes, we can live to 65, maybe even 70.

Of course, it wasn’t all insects that got smart and organized. Hell, it wasn’t even just insects, since spiders and scorpions also got in on the act. Mostly though, it was the ants and bees and hornets and wasps and beetles and termites. You know, the ones that are the most and best organized in the insect world. And we humans didn’t know what hit us when they rose up. We tried pesticides, they destroyed our power grid. We tried diseases, they decimated our food crops before we would normally have sprayed for them. We tried every damned thing we could think of, they had something better. The year no bees pollinated a single food crop, we were fucked.

 After that, it was all over but the packing up for the Cold, the enslavement, or just sitting and waiting to starve to death. Sometimes I wonder if the ones who died weren’t the lucky ones. It sure as hell isn’t the slaves who endlessly plant and tend the crops that mostly go to feeding hives or ant colonies or whatever.

On some days, I don’t think it was us, either. Any little upset to the routine here and we go to short rations or half heat or…well, it’s a long list that gets longer every year. My dad used to say it was like living in an ant colony. Yeah, right, we should be so lucky.

 The Doclopedia #379

 The Rise Of The…: Redheads

 Oh please, don’t act so surprised! Certainly you must have suspected that we would eventually rule the world? Mr. President…Mr. Prime Minister…with all of the famous redheads in the U.S. and the UK throughout history, you really had no clue? Amazing! But then, you are both brunettes.

 At any rate, we do now control everything of any importance via money, power and our mental powers, which thankfully only manifest in those of the “ginger” persuasion. The mere fact that five of us are able to make the entire United Nations General Assembly and Special Guests sit quietly and listen to us is an excellent example of why you can never hope to be in control again.

 Of course, our advanced technology also had a lot to do with our rise to power. Getting you all addicted to Twitter, Facebook and, if we go back several decades, television and radio, certainly made it easy to inundate you with subliminal messages. And cloning…oh my, how useful that was! Combined with our ability to transfer a person’s essence…spirit if you will, katra to you Trekkies out there…into a new body, it has allowed great people like Mr. Jefferson, Mr. Twain and Mr. Churchill to live among us once again. Do take a bow, gentlemen.

 So, blonds and brunettes, we are indeed your new rulers, but you’ll find us not cruel or even all that demanding, despite the ridicule you have heaped upon us for centuries. We just want a good, clean world in which to live and raise our children. Well, that and the chance to spread the gene for red hair to as many non-redheads as possible.

 Naturally, we’ll start with the blonds first, so allow me to explain our proposed breeding program…

The Doclopedia #380

 The Rise Of The…: Hydes

 From a July, 1892, pamphlet titled “Fighting The Hyde Curse: A Woman’s Job”, which was distributed by the Women’s international Alliance To Save Men.

 Since 1885, when the demented Dr. Henry Jekyll turned himself into the monster known as Edward Hyde, humanity has been plagued by the Hydes, those men who were either changed via brutalization by the original Hyde or his other victims. This horrible brutalization involves both biting and sexual violation of the worst sort. Within days, the infected man begins to change.”

 …an average of six feet tall, with brutish features and a burly build. They are completely given over to vice of all sorts and reek of alcohol, tobacco and fouler things.”

 …rape, murder and every other form of crime. Putting them in prison does no good, since due to their bestial strength and toughness, they invariably escape, but not before infecting a few other prisoners. Hanging has always failed, so most jurisdictions execute them via multiple gunshots. Fire is also an option, and…”

Let’s repeat that: Hydes fear strong women! If approached by more than one woman of courage, they will run like scared cats. In many towns, large groups of women have run as many as 5 or 6 Hydes completely out of town.”

 …harm from bright sunlight, which is why the Hydes generally only come out after dark. Daylight blinds them badly. In addition, and this subject is a delicate one, but necessary to discuss for our victory, it was found out recently that menstrual blood is like poison to Hydes. Their skin burns and, if enough blood comes into contact with enough skin, they with die in terrible agony. Several of our Sisters in the Medical and Chemical professions are working on making this poisonous effect faster and stronger.”

…have nearly rid England, Scotland & Wales of Hydes. Europe is still a festering breeding ground, as are Africa and Asia.”

…men on islands, where they can defend against intrusion by Hydes via gunfire and firebombs. Women in small boats patrol the waters around the islands.”

 So band together, Sisters! Keep your men indoors and safe! Confront any Hydes with courage and conviction, while using bullets, blood and fire to destroy them! We can defeat this scourge!”


Electrical Zombies From Inner Space

…in ZOMBIESCOPE

A Note From The Future!

(This post revised 5/19/2012)

This post was originally about me putting Doclopedia stuff on the fiction blog, but that didn’t work out, so I’m moving it back here. In fact, as of 5/19/2012, the fiction blog (over on Blogger) is living on borrowed time.

So here are some Doclopedia posts, just to fill in the blanks on this blog.

 

The Doclopedia #375

 Drunken Inventors: Pietro Gavolini

One night in 1958, while blasted ass drunk on wine at his house outside Rome, noted inventor Pietro Gavolini got the idea to build a machine that could control the weather. He hastily scribbled out his plans for it, including estimated costs and potential profits, then passed out. The next day, nursing a hangover that should probably be enshrined in a Hangover Hall of Fame, he stared bleary eyed at those same notes and thought “Son of a bitch! I just might be on to something here.” Later in the day, when he felt almost human again, Pietro expanded on his notes and called in a few orders for things he would need.

 Unfortunately, Pietro soon figured out that he was coming up against brick walls to his genius…while he was sober. So in the name of scientific advancement and the Italian wine industry, he uncorked a bottle or three. Every night for two weeks. Including Sundays.

 Eventually, Pietro finished his machine and promptly fell asleep for two days. After that, he spent another week drying out and then decided to test his device out. A snow storm in Rome in mid-July seemed like a good test and it worked! Besides sending many people to church in the middle of the day and making the already crazy Roman driving experience that much more dangerous, once the storm stopped, the 16 inches of snow melted quickly and caused flooding in the streets. Pietro danced about with joy.

 Over the next couple of weeks, he did more tests, including…

A tornado in the German countryside

A lightning storm in Mexico City

Heavy rain in Texas (this last was very welcomed)

A hailstorm in Alexandria, Egypt

 After that, it’s all history. Pietro took his invention and hid it away before very anonymously offering the services of “The Weather Maestro” to the nations of the world at pretty reasonable rates. Once he had a few hundred million salted away, he had the payments made to various charities and such. Eventually he built a self aware computer to operate and protect the machine, after which he retired to a tropical island with several beautiful women and a lifetime supply of wine.

 The Doclopedia #376

 Drunken Inventors: Lurdak Mab 26

On all of Proycon 4, there might have been three scientist/inventors as brilliant as Lurdak Mal 26. Of course, they would have also been sober more often than he was, since Lurdak was pretty fond of a nice cold glass of Viimi urine with a sulfuric acid chaser…about ten times a day. By about 28:00 at night, the noted scientist would be ready to fall down.

 Now, for many years Lurdak kept his drinking confined to his off hours. He never tippled at work, even in the depths of winter when the Viimi urine was especially strong and tasty. Nope, it was strictly invent incredible stuff during the day, get falling down snockered at night.

 That is, until his wife Mibaj Sep 17 left him for a traveling borfka salesman. After that, he started having “just one drink to get the morning started”. Pretty soon he added a couple of cocktails at lunch, then a little “bracer” in the afternoon. Before long, he was a full time drunk.

 Even after he went full tilt into the bag, Lurdak was still creating great things that astounded other scientists. Unfortunately, his luck ran out when he created the Transtemporal Viewing Portal. Oh, it was a totally amazing bit of technology, being as it allowed you to create a 50’X50′ window into the past. His first two public showings drew huge crowds and soon Lurdak sold his patent to the Rildek Corporation, who made tens of thousands of them and set them up like theaters. Sure enough, millions of folks bought tickets to the very first showing of “Walking With Skurfisaurs”.

 The problem came about when, 20 minutes into watching a day in the life of the planet 52 million years earlier, the Master Control overheated and Lurdak was passed out drunk and didn’t realize it. When the Master Control hit 375 degrees Celsius, the Transtemporal Viewing Portals all got a huge power surge and became transtemporal Doorways. Hungry carnivorous Skurfisaurs could suddenly see and get at all of the tasty looking people in the present, which they did. Not much later, everything from huge plant eaters to insects to plant spores & seeds to bacteria started coming through. By the time somebody got to Lurdak’s home and got him awake, the shit had hit the fan. Worse yet, it took five days to shut down all of the Doorways.

 Now, four years later, Proycon 4 is a much different world. The environment in the present turned out to be much better than the one in the past, so the Skurfisaurs not only flourished, they got larger. And smarter. And hungrier. By the second summer, most of the surviving Proyconians were living in isolated walled cities and hoping those damned Skurfisaurs would stop getting smarter. It was a bleak existence.

 On the bright side, Lurdak Mal 26 stopped drinking and is now three and a half years sober. He’s in hiding from the Skurfisaurs, the law and his fellow Proyconians, but by golly, he’s stone cold sober while doing it.

 The Doclopedia #377

 Drunken Inventors: Gungok The Clever

 In the time of our oldest mothers, Gungok was the smartest man in our tribe. It was Gungok who looked at the shell of a cracked egg and then at the mud drying on a herd of wild pigs and then went and made the first clay pot. It was he who figured out that smoke would make the bee swarms calm so we could get honey with only a few stings.

 It was he who also discovered that if you put honey and berry juice and water into the clay pots and let them set for a few days, you would get the happy drink. After that, Gungok made and drank much of the happy drink. In the mornings, he would not be looking well.

 One day, in the winter when there were no berries and so no happy drink, Gungok got an idea and went off on his own for 9 days. The people were putting their things on sledges so they could drag them south many days, to a warmer place. They did this every winter back then. They were only 2 days from leaving when Gungok came back with a new type of sledge.

 It was a great thing, this sledge, because it was much larger than the others and had two round things halfway down it’s length on the outside. It did not drag, it rolled like a stone does downhill. Even better, Gungok was able to load the new sledge with as much as three old sledges would hold, but could pull it by himself!

 The people liked this, so they stayed there more days until they had made four more of the new sledges. Then they went south easily, reaching the warm lands much sooner than before. Everybody liked that.

 When spring came, Gungok told them they should go farther south, where it might be warm all the time. The people knew Gungok was smart, so they went south. After many days, they came to the land where we now live. It is a good place.

 Everybody treated Gungok well and he did not have to hunt or sleep alone. Best of all for Gungok, in this new place, berries grow all year and he always had happy drink, even in the winter.

 Many years later, Gungok was very old and died, but the people did not forget him. This is why every year on the longest day, we pour happy drink on the place where he was buried.

Bucky & Squint Are The New Black

…no, I don’t know what it means

UPDATES!: Grace’s arm is healing up nicely and she can sleep on her back now, although not for too long…I got one of my slightly less than every two years royalty checks from Steve Jackson Games. $29.99! It will go into the DunDraCon fund…Speaking of DunDraCon, I may run an extra official game there, due to them having made the con longer and needing more GMs.

And now, we finish up Great Junkyards week. Next week, our theme is Drunken Inventors.

The Doclopedia #374

Great Junkyards: The People’s Glorious Recycling Center At Jhingtao

And so it came to pass that 100 years after the Communist Chinese conquered the world, the Great Time Of Shortages arrived. With a world population of 12.5 billion and no more easily (or even not so easily) extracted oil or other fuels and mines of all sorts pretty much played out, recycling became not just a good idea, it became a very strictly enforced law. Recycling centers were set up everywhere and they ran 24/7. The largest of these was set up outside Jhingtao City (formerly known as San Antonio, Texas).

Covering an area of just over 1,200 square miles, it is the largest recycling facility in the world. It employs just about a quarter of a million people and recycles everything that can be recycled, including human bodies. The corpses of all deceased humans and animals are brought here where they are efficiently ground up, mixed with other compostable materials and then trucked off to the worm farms where the mix is turned into worm castings (and more worms), a valuable and nutrient packed fertilizer used in the People’s Great Solar Tower Gardens all over the North American region, thus supplying workers with their daily ration of food.

Rumors that the insignificant and powerless anti-communist resistance, which is in reality nothing more than a band of hoodlums who have decided to become the People’s Enemy, have been looting Jhingtao Center for weapons and technology are false. The People’s Security Agency assures one and all that no forays have been made into any recycling centers. They also caution against spreading such rumors and urge the reporting of anyone who does so.

The Dreaded Flying Booger Bomb

…incoming!!!

The Doclopedia #373

Great Junkyards: Mantoni’s Junkyard

Founded in 1870 by Enzo Mantoni in Brooklyn, New York, this junkyard is a mecca for tinkerers, inventors and gadgeteers because it has the best science junk anywhere. Early on, old Enzo managed to get salvage rights to junk left on the streets in all five boroughs . Naturally, with New York (especially Manhattan) being such a magnet for the plots of mad scientists, evil masterminds and just plain nutty inventors…and the superscience wielding good guys who fought them…the junkyard soon had hundreds of tons of junk that was of great interest to the technologically savvy. Of course, Enzo and his sons Sal & Eddie, soon learned that they could make good money off of this situation.

Today, 1934, the yard gets in junk from all over North America and often from other countries. One recent acquisition was the remains of several of Professor Ludikoff’s Killer Robots, which had been used to decimate Moscow. Sal and Eddie are thinking they might just auction those off, so high is the demand.

Mantoni’s Junkyard is open from 7 AM until 7 PM, all days except Sunday. Cash only, please.

Hugo Drove A Yugo

…and we all tried not to laugh

Yarr, ya goggle eyed grunions, it be Talk Like A Pirate Day and Ol’ Cap’n Doc is settin’ sail for fun and mayhem! It also be the beginnin’ of a new week fer the Doclopedia, so ya can take a gander below, iffin’ ye can read, that is. Now bring on the fair Spanish ladies and the rum!

The Doclopedia #372

Great Junkyards: Kipopickick’s Salvage Moon

The Epsilon sector of our galaxy is where you’ll find the Makakotovik system and orbiting the planet Vatudipak is Kipopickick’s Salvage Moon, the greatest junkyard in that half of the galaxy.

What makes the salvage moon so great is that besides being big (just smaller that Mars), it’s old…way old. Sentient races have been selling and discarding their unwanted items here for 22,000 years. Hell, no less than four civilizations have risen and fallen on Vatudipak in that time. But on the salvage moon (proper name: Niktikak), it has been business as usual all that time.

Operated for the last 4,500 years by the Sisters of the Grand Collection (a spiderlike, yet mammalian, race), the junkyard is conveniently divided into 30,000 sections. Unfortunately, these divisions are by size, color or age, not anything more useful like alphabetical or type of junk or even price. Add to that the fact that in most areas, the junks is piled at least 90 feet tall and you can see that it might take awhile to find what you’re looking for…unless you hire a yard rat.

Yard rats are beings of several races who were brought there millenia ago as slaves and have since made the moon their home. They are by far your best chance at finding what you need and they charge very reasonable rates. They also run small inns, which are a good place to stay if you don’t feel like shuttling or beaming back to your ship.

Prices for various items can range from nearly free to several hundred million credits. Often, prices are determined less by the actual worth of an item and more by factors that only the Sisters know. You might buy a Class 6 Drinibian Pop Drive for 2,000 credits today, then buy another one next week for 70,000. Nobody can really figure out the Sisters pricing schedule, but if a yard rat tells you to wait a day or two, it’s a good idea to listen.

The Rare And Beautiful Dancing Flea Beetles Of Potawango Island

…such beautiful choreography

I am sorely tempted to take a couple more staycation days next month. There’s a bunch of stuff what needs to be done around the old homestead. Of course, I could also do some writing, too.

Here is the final Doclopedia entry for this week, folks! Enjoy it and PLEASE comment on these things.

The Doclopedia #371

First Contact/Last Contact: The Skwinnik Meet Humans

Three hundred million Skwinnik came to Earth with superior technology and a big hunger for tasty human flesh. Humans had far superior numbers and a deadly lust for that superior technology. The fight was on and it was bloody. It turned out that the two sides were pretty evenly matched after a few weeks.

Except that both species each carried disease organisms fatal to the other. By the time they realized this, they were dropping fast. A few Skwinnik managed to get back to their homeworld, which pretty much sealed their species fate. Humans likewise died out completely.

A few decades later, if you could have asked them, you’d have found that the other species on both worlds were pretty happy with the way things turned out.

Tales Of Lusty Wickedness

or wicked lustiness

Grace Update: She will be working half days this week, then full time after that. She seems to be healing up at the proper pace and is in less pain every day, although she did have a bout of food poisoning on Sunday night and Monday morning.

And now, today’s Doclopedia entry

The Doclopedia #370

First Contact/Last Contact: The Starship “Lewis & Clark” Meets Patra IV

The planet Patra IV was one of several very Earthlike planets discovered between 2015 and 2022 using the Sagan space telescope. All observations pointed to Patra IV (which was 196 light years from Earth) being about the same size as Earth, having a similar atmosphere and nearly as much surface water. It became the main focus of extra solar exploration for the next 60 years.

In 2080, the Jump Drive was perfected and construction of the Lewis & Clark, a joint venture between the United States and China, was begun. The half mile long starship was completed nine years later and left our solar system the year after that, on May 17th, 2090.

Thanks to the Jump Drive, the ship arrived at Patra IV two years later, on July 11th, 2092. Thirty robotic probes about the size of refrigerators were sent down to every region of the planet. They sent back reports that told of a breathable atmosphere, incredibly varied plant and animal life and best of all, no pathogens or civilizations that might debilitate or kill humans. Satisfied with these reports, an Away Team went down to the planet to get a first hand look.

Then the planet and it’s life forms killed them within 5 minutes. A massive blast of some unknown form of energy destroyed the “Lewis & Clark” 35 minutes later.

Fortunately, the ships crew were able to send one last message back to Earth, telling them that readings had suddenly shown that the entire ecosystem of the planet seemed to be in some form of linked mental/psychic harmony. The robots, being mere metal, had been ignored, but the humans had been treated like a an invading disease organism. Scientist back on Earth concluded that the starship had probably been swatted like a mosquito.

The United Nations placed a permanent ban on anyone ever going back to the Patra system. This remains in force these 240 years later.