The Seven Things You Must Always Do When Being Chased By A Dinosaur

…#2 Run faster

Another Saturday Night And I Ain’t Got No Money

Jeez, has it actually been a week since I last posted on here? Apparently, my writing mojo has really fallen down and can’t get up.

The diet goes well. No idea how much I actually weighed when I started, but I’m guessing 295. Saturday is my designated “sin” day, so I ate Cocoa Krispies for brekky and a big plate of Grace’s goulash for dinner. No lunch, because I forgot and because my stomach has shrunk a bit so as to feel full longer and I had the brekky at about 11:30 this morning. Tomorrow, it’s back on the Diet Train.

It looks as though the Drama Demon has decided to finally to move on to another house (hopefully that of the dickhead next door) to dispense his lifestyle disrupting seeds. All of our health meters seem to be in the “Pretty Good, Considering” area and there has not been any rushing to the ER in a week. This is good news, since Grace is pretty much out of sick days at work.

So, about my mising mojo…I dunno exactly what to do. I’ve been rather tired and stressed this last two weeks and have done fuck all writingwise. One person told me it might be delayed burnout after writing for a year straight, but I took about 3 weeks off before restarting and I was down to just 6 days a week. I’m thinking the whole deal with Grace being emotionally wonky during her busted arm weeks had a bigger effect on me than I thought. I sort of got worn down.

I’m gonna have to get back on the horse one way or another, so it’s probably best just to start pounding the keyboard and see what oozes out of my brain. Maybe I’ll drop to 4 days a week for a bit. Dog knows I have plenty of Doclopedia themes and fiction ideas to choose from.

Well, I’m sleepy and ready for bed, so I’ll end this post. See y’all on the other side.

Handsome Joe Catches A Rabbit

…and has no idea what to do with it

Saturday In Review

Aside from starting the diet, today was pretty much a cockup as far as my plans went. First off, the only Home Depot that rents weed whackers rented them all out by the time I got there. That hosed my main gardening plans. I still did some yard work and transplanting, so it wasn’t a total loss.

Didn’t watch movies with Grace due to her being somewhat under the weather. The two filthy bitches are still dirty & stinky, but in a very cute and sweet manner. They will get washed tomorrow for sure.

I did grocery shopping and walked Lucy twice and I finished reading “World War Z”. I highly reccomend it to anybody not put off by the sometimes gory zombie subject matter.

I did no writing, but I do think today was more of a resting day than a writing day. Tomorrow should be more writing friendly.

I may not weed whack the yard until next weekend, since I have to take Grace to the doctor and a couple of other places. I will continue transplanting plants from pots to the driveway garden and I may just dig up a few plants from other garden spots and stick ’em in there for the winter.

Hmmm…I’m getting the urge both eat a snack (yogurt with blueberries) and do some editing/rewriting on older stuff.

I’m outta here. More bloggage soon.

Crazed Ichthyosaurs Terrorized My Sea Hares With Spotted Spurge

…I’ll wait while you google it

Chapter 777: In Which Your Humble Narrator Hits The Wall

Those of you who read my fiction blog will have noticed that I haven’t posted anything there for several days. On Facebook, my comments and posts have slowed to a trickle. It’s been three days since I did any rewriting or editing of anything.

The reasons for all of this are varied. Not sleeping enough or well…not eating properly…worrying about Grace and Winker and their health problems…pissed off that my weight has gone up again…headaches…etc, etc.

I’ve mentioned recently that I’m taking Monday & Tuesday off this coming week to have another little staycation. The way things are shaping up, it should go a long way towards getting me back on the writing path, as well as get me on the diet path. Generally speaking, it’s looking like this will be my schedule…

Saturday: Start strict diet and walking schedule…rent weed whacker and lay waste to my weedy foes all over my property…wash filthy bitches…watch movies with my sweetie

Sunday: Sleep in…walk a mile or two…go shopping with Grace…apply organic herbacides to the remnants of my weedy foes…relax & write…cook & clean…relax some more

Monday: Sleep in…walk…write…clean house…walk…write…cook…relax

Tuesday: Same as Monday, except for a short break for my regular UVB treatment

My goals for this 4 day weekend are: Get the yards ready for some Serious Renovation…Get back in the habit of walking (both on the treadmill and on the road)… Get back to eating right…Catch up on sleep…Resume writing and get at least a week ahead on Doclopedia posts and fiction posts.

We shall see on Wednesday morning how well I did.

The Blatantly Pornographic, Yet Still Somehow Work Safe, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Three Hunky Guys

…co-starring her best friend, Fully Flexible Francine

Doc Update #47,003

READING: World War Z by Max Brooks
EATING: Too damned much. Severe dieting & exercise starts soon
DOING: Removal of summer garden veggies/Planting of the winter garden veggies.
WRITING: As much as possible, but still not enough.
LISTENING: To more Americana and Swing, less Rock and Country
PREPARING: For a bunch of garden digging and Fall Curryfest.
THINKING: About getting a new gaming group together to try out an idea for an adventure series. If you live in or near Sacramento and want to play, leave a comment below. Also: old gaming group will restart soon!
ANTICIPATING: Four day Fall Mini Staycation!
SAVING: Money for 15th Anniversary, DunDraCon, Xmas & my birthday, in that order.
BORED: With politics on all levels. Let’s just move on to the bloody revolution and get it over with.
WANTING: A new laptop, since this one is a dinosaur…an old, sick dinosaur.

And now, the last of the Doclopedia re-posts from the alternate future as detailed last month.


The Doclopedia #384

 When I Ruled The World: Titan Red

 I was built to conquer the world, you know, not rule it. That was to be the job of Professor Grimes and his associates. I would conquer, they would rule. It was a simple enough plan, but like most plans, there was plenty of room for error.

 Not on my part, of course. I was more than able to stride across the civilized countries of the world and lay waste to their armies. It’s quite easy when you are 80 feet tall, indestructible and armed with destructo rays, electro pulses and a wide variety of other weapons. Personally, I always liked the destructo ray. Just look at something, activate the ray and watch it blow up! What could be simpler to use or more demoralizing to your opponent? Did you know that I only had to use the destructo ray once to get the entire French army to surrender? Of course, not every country was such a pushover. The Americans and the Russians in particular fought me until they were practically using their bare hands! I have the greatest respect for them.

 So I held up my end and conquered the world, but shortly before I finished, Professor Grimes, Professor Hartmann and most of the rest of the team were killed by an experiment gone wrong. Something to do with bacteria, I’m told. Anyway, it left only Professors Brinlay and Okobashi to rule the world and they were none too keen on or qualified for the job. They had always assumed that Professor Grimes or Professor Hartmann or one of the other, more aggressive scientists would do the actual ruling and let them pursue their studies of meteorology and marine biology, respectively.

 So they told me to do it.

 I really had very little idea of how to do anything but destroy armies and intimidate humans, so I asked them if they could at least give me a list of demands to issue to the people. They did so and I relayed these to the conqured populace of the world. They were…

 1: Dismantle any remaining militaries.

2: Build more schools of all types.

3: Supply the World Science League (the above mentioned two professors) with whatever they might ask for.

4: Crack down on crime.

5: Go about your business and live good lives.

 This all went exceedingly well for a good number of years. Once in awhile the League (which was recruiting new members on a regular basis) would add something else to the list…I know that lowering the price of chocolate was very popular…but mostly, they let things just go along without much supervision. Of course, that is what eventually undid things for them.

 You see, with nothing to do on the death and destruction front, I was mostly just wandering about giving people a reminder that Titan Red had beaten them once and would do it again if he had to. There was no visible resistance to my rule, so I naturally assumed that everyone was towing the line. Silly me.

In 1925, those pesky Americans and their Russian partners rose up in defiance, killed the members of the League and very nearly destroyed me. They were a creative and cunning lot and had spent the three plus decades of my rule working in secret to build weapons to use against me. The sonic bombs and the plasma guns were just first rate, I’ll tell you. Oh, how we slugged it out! That great big crater where St. Louis used to be? That was created by eight solid days of fighting! It was wonderful!

 Eventually, I was pushed to the point where I had to decide between fight or flight. It’s a testament to my advanced circuitry that I had evolved enough to know that he who fights and runs away lives to fight another day. After sending out a message saying that humans could have the ruling of the world back, I went into hiding in the remote north woods of Canada.

 That was 122 years ago and I changed locations every few decades. Then that United Earth science team located me using a pair of satellites and came to offer me amnesty. It seems that I’m no longer a threat, now that your technology can so easily destroy me. Instead, they’ve offered me a job as a sort of “living history” exhibit in the World Museum of Science. I’m quite looking forward to it, I must say.

The Doclopedia #385

When I Ruled The World: The Green Gangster

1966 was a great year for me, I’ll tell ya. Right off the bat, January 5th, I kick the oh-so-heroic ass of Silver Eagle and goddamn Aussie prick, The Destructor. See, I’d been partnered up with Destructor for a couple of months…robbing various national treasuries and such…and he let me use one of his weapons. He was all “At some point in the fight, I’ll let Silver Eagle knock me back and then you can shoot him with the Destructo Beam” and I’m thinking “yeah, well fuck you, kangaroo dick, I’m gonna shoot you both”. Which I did and it surprised the hell outta all of us when they both fell to the ground. Of course, slamming into the ground surprised them even more, since it friggin’ near killed ’em! That’s when I realized that the Destructo Beam wasn’t working right and instead of fryin’ a superhuman, it removed their powers. Just to be sure, when the Legion Of Justice showed up a few minutes later to help old Silver Eagle out, I zapped the six of them. Then, once they were just normal humans, I slapped ’em all around before I made my exit.

Speakin’ of normal humans, I shot a few of them, too. Nothin’ happened, so I decide to head back to my secret lair and plan out how to best start ridding the world of superhumans. First thing I did was get hold of The Duplicator and have him make about 2 dozen copies of the Destructo Beam. Then I shot him with one of them and then kicked his powerless ass to the curb. After that, it was as easy as letting the superhuman crowd know that I was the one who got rid of Silver Eagle and the rest of them bums.

I’m tellin’ ya, it was like shootin’ fish in a barrel! A gang of supervillains would show up the same time as a bunch of heroes, they’d all start fightin’ and then my gang and I would pick ’em off. Inside of a week, we had eliminated 90% of the superhumans on earth. Huntin’ down that last 10% took another month, but when we were done, I was the last superhuman on the planet. Naturally, I destroyed all the copies of the Destructo Beam and hid the original real good.

Conquering the world…and I mean the who fuckin’ world, Jack…took me 6 months of hard work, but it was worth it. Hey, when yer the only guy on the planet with steel hard skin, super strength and the ability to fly at just under Mach 6, you get shit done when you want it done. My castle, there where downtown Chicago used to be, that place was nice. Always full of good booze, fine food, hot chicks and world leaders just lookin’ to kiss my ass. Hahaha!

Yeah, 1966 was great and so was 1967 through 1969. Then it all went to hell on me. See, I’d figured that I had nothin’ to fear from the non-super powered heroes. I mean, I could swat guys like Dark Hunter and Detective X into an early grave, right? You betcha!

But I didn’t think that they just might infiltrate my gang, go through my personal stuff and figure out where I’d hidden that last Destructo Beam. Fuckin’ detectives! So because I’d misjudged those mooks, I get shot square in the gut on the morning of February 17th, 1969 and lose my powers. My gang starts shooting each other, but they miss the detectives. Meanwhile, I’m running like hell for my secret escape tunnel when Miss Judge clocks me in the head with a sweeping kick. When I wake up, I’m in a cell and I ain’t been out of one in the last 26 years.

The worst thing about the whole friggin’ affair was that I didn’t even get rid of all the superhumans! Seems that many of ’em had secret identities and families and kids. Puberty comes around and suddenly, the world has superheroes and supervillains again.

But ya know, there for awhile, I had the world by the ass, buddy.

The Doclopedia #386

 When I Ruled The World: Queen Elior of Caltria

 When I ruled the world, there was peace and plenty. There were artists working on projects that would last a thousand years. Poets and authors created wonderful works and there was a thriving theater community doing all manner of plays and other stage shows. Women were treated exactly as men under my legal system.

 The study of magic was opened up to anyone with the talent. I ordered the construction of many schools for young wizards & witches. Universities were established so that older and more powerful wizards could collaborate on unlocking the great magical mysteries.

 Children all got an excellent education and there were more than enough jobs to go around for the adults. I set aside vast tracts of land for the preservation of both animals and the non-human races who wished to live there. Great public works minimized the chances of floods and droughts. I ordered the building and maintenance of roads on all continents.

 I promoted sobriety and made gambling illegal. The looting of dungeons and other ancient ruins was very heavily taxed and restricted. War was a thing of the past, along with poverty and most major crime.

 It was a golden age, those fifty three years. A pity that it did not, could not last.

 It seems that my advisors and I seriously underestimated the deep need of most races to wallow in sin, vice, conflict and misfortune. Give people perfection and they rush to it and embrace it lovingly…for awhile. Soon enough, they go looking for trouble and even an army of spirit warriors such as mine cannot stop them from finding it.

 Ah yes, my army of souls, a bit of a miscalculation there, too. The initial war of conquest took 17 years before the entire planet was under my rule. During that time, the spirit army enjoyed their work. Afterwards, however, they found the boring duties of a peacetime force to be stifling. I allowed half the army to leave this plane after the ten year mark, then half of the remainder was let go at the twenty five year point. On the fiftieth anniversary, I let the rest go, sure that I had established a new and educated populace that would be better than their ancestors. How wrong I was.

 Three years later and here I am, living a good life of exile on an island nobody can ever locate. The world, while still better in many ways than it was before my rule, is much as it was before I took it over. There are wars, sneaky dealings, adventurers everywhere, monsters terrorizing the countryside…it pains me to go on.

 I’m told that already there are people, mostly powerful wizards, plotting to conquer the world. To that I can only say “Good luck holding on to it if you do”. 

Sects & Vile Inns

…I have no shame

Doc Update

1: As this post proves, my attempt to do general blogging on a regular schedule is failing miserably.

2: On the other hand, the fiction blog is getting new posts 6 days a week.

3: I’ll be having another 4 day staycation from October 22-25. The theme of this one is “Rearrange and Organize, then Write More”. We’ll see how that goes.

4: Spinach, lettuce & winter veg in the ground this weekend, you bet!

5: Is there anything you, Gentle Readers, whould like to see me blog about? That is, assuming you are even reading this, let alone commenting. Which you are not. Commenting, I mean.

And now, time for some of that fiction writing. More blogging here soon.

The Horticultural Whore Returns From The Dead

…or at least dormancy

It has been a damned long time since I did one of these garden updates, so here goes.

For the last year or two, my garden has been overrun by weeds. This has not changed, but it will next week when I rent a weed whacker and lay waste to my vegetable foes. After that comes various other attacks meant to bitchslap the weeds to death or at least submission.

Anyway, weeds and a bunch of compost from my various compost piles was why I built a garden on the upper half of my driveway. I figured there was already an herb bed on one half of it, so why not plant my veggies…and many dozens of irises and gladiolus…right there in the bigass pile of rich compost. So I did.

And then Northern California had spring, spring, spring, summer, spring, spring, summer as a growing season. Unless you are a vegetable gardener, you have no idea how fucked up that is.

As a result, nothing produced much until September, when we had some hot weather and all of those green tomatoes that had been just sitting there on the vine for months got ripe all at once. Ditto my bell and italian peppers. Green beans only produced in dribs & drabs, so I’d pick 6 or 7 each day and use them as dog treats for the girls.

I got one cantalope, no watermelons, a couple of squash and that was that. A thoroughly disappointing harvest.

In a day or two, I’ll be planting spinach and lettuce for my winter garden. Barring an extended winter heat wave, which has happened a few times recently, we’ll at least have greens to eat between now and next spring.

By next spring, I hope to have permanent raised beds in place all over the property, which should allow for a large and varied garden that will be prety much weed free. Hopefully, we’ll get a lot of yummy food out of it.

If we don’t get screwed by the weather again.

Now, Doclopedia goodness!


The Doclopedia #381

 Showing You The Ropes: The Perfect Climbing Rope

 Welcome to my shop, good sir! If it is rope you need, please allow me to show you my wares. I’m sure we can find you exactly what you need.

 A rope for climbing? I shall assume we are speaking of climbing buildings, not mountains, since you have the look of a man who does not spend much time in the wilderness. What? Oh, yes sir, I am sure that you are the most law abiding person in all of the Empire, but even if you weren’t, it would matter not to me. I am merely a seller of ropes and other cordage. What people do with my products is out of my hands.

Now, why don’t we start off with the best of all my climbing ropes? If it should prove too expensive, we can move on to other choices. This, my most excellent customer, is the Perfect Climbing Rope. Oh yes, a boastful name indeed, but true as any words I’ve ever spoken.

 You see, at no small expense we have had several enchantments placed upon this top quality Arufkan hemp rope. First of all, notice the softness of it, not at all rough as hemp can often be. This not only saves wear and tear on the hands, but it makes the rope far less likely to snag. Go ahead, feel it. Soft as silk, eh?

 Now let us examine these darker markings that are so evenly spaced along the rope. When climbing has started, these areas swell up to the size of a plump orange, making truly excellent hand and footholds. No, no, they do not al swell up at once, only the ones that are needed at the moment. A most clever enchantment that, don’t you agree?

 Why, yes, most learned sir, the rope does possess the ability to tie and untie itself as the user commands. No doubt you have seen other, lesser ropes with the same ability being sold by purveyors of magical items. This, you must see, is a superior product.

 But let us get on to the other amazing properties of the rope. It can, at the bidding of the user, climb up walls or other surfaces to whatever spot is desired. Should a climber lose their grip and fall, it will grab them as the constricting snakes grab their prey, but gently and with only the intent of preventing injury or death. And finally, this amazing rope can reduce itself to a short length that can be worn as a belt or robe tie. Excellent for concealment, don’t you think?

 Best of all, we guarantee the quality and enchantments of this rope for a full ten years! Should it not live up to your expectations in any way during that time, we will replace it or refund your money in full.

 The price? Ah, well, such a wonderful item does not come cheaply. On the other hand, what is a mere 500 pataks when weighed against the potential rewards of many years of successful urban climbing?

The Doclopedia #382

Showing You The Ropes: The Unbreakable Rope

No, Ateena, I do not lie! The monster is vanquished and will never bother the surface world again. Your fears are as pointless as your attempts to antagonize me. But perhaps you would like to go down into the Deepest Dark and verify that I tell the truth? I’m sure my friends would join us for another trip to the lair of the Great Foulness, right girls? See, Ateena, they are up for it, so we could leave within the hour. What? Not necessary? Are you sure? Ah, I thought as much.

 What, Faleris? How did we bind the creature to his lair? Why, by actually binding him! No, I’m not jesting, we actually managed to tie him up with an ancient and very powerful magic rope. It was made 300 years ago for King Urrmok. Woven of giant spider silk and the hairs of a God, it was then enchanted many times over by the fourteen Cloud Mages of Dreerj. Finally, it was soaked in a mixture of many potions and allowed to dry out under the light of the triple moon. After that, it became 300 feet of unbreakable rope.

 No blade, no fire, no spell, no beast can part that rope. The cleverest of inventions will never fray it, nor will age or weather. That rope is wrapped tight around the creature in a configuration that barely allows him to breathe. The knots we tied were then cursed and will remain unbreakable for ten thousand years. I tell you, sisters, that creature is as imprisoned as it is possible for any mortal to bring about.

 And now, let us all down another mug of ale and give our thanks to King Urrmok and his unbreakable rope!

The Doclopedia #383

 Showing You The Ropes: The Smart Rope

 Good morning, 003. Have a seat and I’ll tell you all about the newest creation from Q branch: the Smart Rope. What’s that? “A new line of work”? Amusing, 003. I’m sure you can make it actually funny with some work.

 Now then, as you can see, it looks exactly like any 20 meter length of light cotton rope. But watch this…rope, slipknot! Fast, eh? 3.5 seconds, to be exact. Rope, untie. Ah, even faster!

Here’s another neat little trick: rope, execute move Delta Two! Heh heh, feeling a bit bound up, 003? I’ve often wondered how you’d look tied to a chair and gagged. Rather a pleasing picture, I must say. At any rate, while you were watching one end of the rope do that little knot trick, the rest of the rope was getting ready to strike. A little something I programmed into it earlier. You’ll find the rope quite easy to train, once we give it to you.

 What’s that, 003? I can’t understand you…oh, of course, the gag! Clever, that. You see, the nanites that are found all throughout the rope just swell up one portion of it to fill your moth. Rather a large portion, really, given the size of your mouth. Heh heh heh.

 Is that a frown crossing your manly brow? Oh, it must be because your concealed wrist knife isn’t cutting through the rope! Well, buck up, 003, it wouldn’t matter if you were using a chain saw. The rope repairs itself as fast as you can cut.

 Alright, rope, release him. There now, 003, wasn’t that a valuable learning experience? Now take the rope and head off to see M. I’ll call ahead to let him know your coming and to tell him I showed you the ropes. Heh heh heh.