Chapter 92: In Which Our Hero, Whilst Infiltrating The Coronation Of The French King, Is Afflicted With Flatulence Most Foul

…I hate when that happens

Yo, internet homies, today I’m starting a hopefully pretty regular series where I cover various topics about things I like. Later, I’ll start a similar series about things that piss me off. First up today: food!

Great Things To Eat: Part One

Curry: There are all sorts of curries out there, from mild & subtle to big, bold and hotter than hell. All of them are delicious. Don’t think you like vegetarian dishes? Try any of the 8 zillion veggie curries. Love seafood? You’re covered. Better yet, get yourself a good Indian or Thai cookbook and cook up one of your own! And don’t forget the rice and Thai Iced Tea. Best curry I’ve ever eaten? Any of the ones at The King And I in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Fish Tacos: How good are fish tacos? Well, I’ve had sexual encounters that weren’t as good as a couple great fish tacos and a cold cerveza. Doesn’t matter if the fish is battered and crunchy or unbattered and moist. And by “fish”, I also mean shrimp, crab and whatever else comes from the sea. It’s all yummy, especially after you dress it up with your choice of salsas, cremas and cheese. Best fish tacos I’ve ever eaten? The crunchy fish taco and the Dungeness crab taco I had off of a Mexican food truck in San Jose back in 1984.

Steel Cut Oats: Easy to cook, tasty as hell and good for you. What’s not to love about that? I like to cook them with a handful of raisins, then add some dark brown sugar and milk. Yum Yum! Oats are also very filling, so your breakfast will stick with you a long while, thus cutting down on between meal snacks and helping you lose weight. Best steel cut oats I’ve ever eaten? The bowl I just had a couple of hours ago.

Well, I think that went well. Now how about a nice serving of Doclopedia, hmmm?

The Doclopedia #390

Look What I Found!: 1930’s Universal Horror Edition

Look here, Carol, isn’t it beautiful? It’s the necklace that your father and I found on that statue of Bast today. Four thousand years old, but it still looks brand new. The inscription in the tomb told of a curse, one that would turn any woman who wore this into a Daughter of Bast. Why is it that every object anybody finds in an Egyptian tomb always seems to be cursed? Pretty silly if you ask me.

Oh, yes, well, a Daughter of Bast was supposedly a young woman who would transform into a catlike creature to do the bidding of the Priests of Bast. Sort of an Egyptian version of a werewolf. Your father knows more about it than me. I daresay that old soothsayer in the village knows more about it that I do. I’m just a humble reader of hieroglyphics.

Say, you look lovely in this moonlight. You know I’m crazy about you, don’t you? When this dig is finished and we’re back in London, I’ve got something to ask you. I hope…what’s that? Sounds like those fool diggers are on about something again. I’ll be right back, darling.

Oh, excuse me, Miss Benning, I did not mean to startle you. I have only come to view the lovely necklace that is spoken of in the village. I am very old and have waited many years to see such a wonder. How beautiful it is, much like yourself. You should try it on. Yes, yes, just like that. Beautiful. Dizzy? It shall pass, Miss Benning, it shall pass.

There, you see, you feel much better now, don’t you. Now you are a Daughter of Bast, part of a line that stretches back into the mists of history. Listen to me now, for there are things you must do, both here and back in England. There are those who need to be punished for what they have done. Listen and obey, Miss Benning.

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I Said “Living Dead”, Not “Living Bread”!

…now I’ve got to shotgun that loaf of rye

Goddammit, I swear that in 2012 I’ll get back to a regular posting schedule here. In the mean time, a few tidbits before I roll out the first of several new Doclopedia posts.

1: It looks very much like I’ll be running two official games at Dundracon this year. I’m not planning on running any more than that, but if the Call of Open Gaming is strong enough, I may run a third game. If you are thinking about going to Dundracon (and you should be), look me up.

2: Everybody here is healthy, chronic ailments nonwithstanding.

3: While going through old writing files, I found the outline and many notes for a new Toon book. I’m of two minds about doing any more Toon stuff, but the 30th anniversary is coming up in 2014, so…

4: I’m still mulling over what Doclopedia stuff to put into a book and how best to do it.

And now, the latest entry…

The Doclopedia #389

Look What I Found!: 1950’s Science Fiction Edition

Professor Sanders, come have a look at this! I was examining those weasels we exposed to the gamma rays after treatment with that new hormone formula and darned if they aren’t 25% larger than they were yesterday! What? Why, yes, they are aggressive, but after all, they’re weasels. Probably a good thing we keep them in separate cages. Yes, their food consumption has gone up quite a bit.

You can see, of course, where this might lead. Why, if we could increase the size of cattle or pigs or chickens, we could end world hunger. Just think of it, a world where…what? Oh, yes, it is getting late. We’d better close up and get out of here. Jane will have my hide if I come home late for dinner again. We’ll just give these weasels a double helping of food and, what the heck, a couple of these mice each. That should hold them until tomorrow.

Yes, we will need larger cages for them. I’ll leave a note for Joe and Eddie to bring some up from the basement and transfer the weasels into them when they come in to clean up tonight. Shouldn’t take them more than a half hour to do it.

My, that one male is a nasty fellow, isn’t he? Well, we’ll sedate him tomorrow for his examination. I wonder if his testosterone levels have gone up due to the radiation? Oh well, that’s a thought for later. See you in the morning, Professor. Give my best to your wife and kids.

Yule Be Sorry!

…sorry, had to be done.

I’ve reposted this entry every few years since 2004, both because it is fun and in memory of our late dog, Roscoe. Enjoy.

The Twelve Dog Days Of Christmas
Words by Roscoe T. Cross

“On the first day of Christmas, my humans gave to me…a tree on which I could pee!”

“On the second day of Christmas, my humans gave to me…two pounds of meat and a tree on which I could pee!”

“On the third day of Christmas, my humans gave to me…three cats to woof at, two pounds of meat and a tree on which I could pee!”

“On the fourth day of Christmas, my humans gave to me…four yummy bratwursts, three cats to woof at, two pounds of meat and a tree on which I could pee!”

“On the fifth day of Christmas, my humans gave to me…five butts to sniff, four yummy bratwursts, three cats to woof at, two pounds of meat and a tree on which I could pee!”

“On the sixth day of Christmas, my humans gave to me…six beds to sleep on, five butts to sniff, four yummy bratwursts, three cats to woof at, two pounds of meat and a tree on which I could pee!”

“On the seventh day of Christmas, my humans gave to me…seven bowls of dog rice, six beds to sleep on, five butts to sniff, four yummy bratwursts, three cats to woof at, two pounds of meat and a tree on which I could pee!”

“On the eighth day of Christmas, my humans gave to me…eight bitches in heat, seven bowls of dog rice, six beds to sleep on, five butts to sniff, four yummy bratwursts, three cats to woof at, two pounds of meat and a tree on which I could pee!”

“On the ninth day of Christmas, my humans gave to me…nine cars to ride in, eight bitches in heat, seven bowls of dog rice, six beds to sleep on, five butts to sniff, four yummy bratwursts, three cats to woof at, two pounds of meat and a tree on which I could pee!”

“On the tenth day of Christmas, my humans gave to me…ten pounds of hot dogs, nine cars to ride in, eight bitches in heat, seven bowls of dog rice, six beds to sleep on, five butts to sniff, four yummy bratwursts, three cats to woof at, two pounds of meat and a tree on which I could pee!”

“On the eleventh day of Christmas, my humans gave to me…eleven kids to pet me, ten pounds of hot dogs, nine cars to ride in, eight bitches in heat, seven bowls of dog rice, six beds to sleep on, five butts to sniff, four yummy bratwursts, three cats to woof at, two pounds of meat and a tree on which I could pee!”

“On the twelfth day of Christmas, my humans gave to me…twelve bellyrubs, eleven kids to pet me, ten pounds of hot dogs, nine cars to ride in, eight bitches in heat, seven bowls of dog rice, six beds to sleep on, five butts to sniff, four yummy bratwursts, three cats to woof at, two pounds of meat and a tree on which I could pee!”

You’ve Got A Fiend In Me, Buddy!

…what?

The Doclopedia #388

My Family, Part Two..: Cousin Amy

Unlike many of my relatives, my cousin Amy was not mentally “different”, had no strange religious or political affiliations, didn’t obsess over anything and was, in general, a nice ordinary young lady.

Except for being invisible much of the time.

Sadly, Amy was afflicted with Chronic Disappearing Syndrome starting about age 3. She would be as opaque as you or I one minute, then slowly fade away to complete invisibility. This would last for several hours, then she’d fade back into view. Seeing this unnerved the hell out of most folks outside the family. Around age 6 or 7, she took to carrying a small bottle of talcum powder with her, which she would sprinkle on herself so we could see most of her. She always smelled like a room full of freshly diapered babies.

Eventually, around age 16, Amy met a fellow CDS patient and they eventually got married and had four kids, none of whom has CDS. She and her husband run a private investigation firm and have done really well for themselves.

Sauce For The Gooseberry

…yum?

After giving it some thought and also seeing how this blog has not been getting my full love and attention, I’ve decided that I wil go back to posting Doclopedia entries here. Longer fiction pieces wil still be put on the fiction blog over at http://doccross.blogspot.com/ (where right now you can find the second series of After The Change Came).

I will seriously be trying to get some more pure bloggage on here soon, but for now, after a nearly two month absence from anywhere, have some Doclopedia.

The Doclopedia #387

My Family, Part Two..: Brother Liam

We don’t talk much about my older brother, Liam. He was 5 years older than me and always a bit strange. See, Liam became convinced at a very early age that he was, in fact, a duck. Now, Mom & Dad could deal with him waddling about and quacking and eating bits of bread that they’d toss into the pond, but his continued attempts to fly kept racking up medical bills. This was especially bad during the migratory seasons in spring and fall. He’d see the flocks of waterfowl passing high overhead and start quacking up a storm and next thing you knew he was jumping off the roof again whilst flapping his arms to beat hell.

Around age 7, Liam was put into some pretty heavy therapy that involved sedatives and showing him pictures of people eating various forms of duck. He was especially traumatized by Peking Duck. Eventually, he was declared fit to go to school and stuff, but I can recall him crying and quacking himself to sleep at night.

Then, one day, in the fall of 1962, while the whole family was outside, we saw a big flock of ducks flying south. Before Mom or Dad could do anything, Liam ran down the driveway flapping his wings and flew off after them. That was the last we ever saw of him, although he was sighted by the Department of Fish & Game on a lake down near Los Angeles.

Anyway, like I said, we don’t talk about him much anymore and nobody in the family will eat duck, especially Peking Duck.

Drunken Guinea Pigs Trampled My Chamomile

…and they laughed while doing it!

On Tuesday, I should be going back to work after a nearly three week hiatus due to my fucked up shoulder. This comes not a moment to soon, since both boredom and daytime television were slowly sucking away my sanity. Jesus Christ on a surfboard, who programs the shit on daytime tv? I guess I can be thankful that most of the soap operas are gone, but the fucking third string talk shows and various “Judge” shows are enough to make a good person want to kill.

Also, not getting my usual overtime pay sucks pretty hard.

In other news, I’m finally going to put a “For Sale” sign on our non-functioning Honda CRV. I wish we could keep it, but repairs and insurance ans shit on two cars would be hell. Besides, it’s a 10 year old car with over 200,000 miles on it and was starting to nickel & dime us to death. If we sell it, we can pay up most of our bills to current and that will make for a merry Xmas.

More bloggage later.

The Way Funny, Yet Also Deeply Insightful, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Giant Popcorn Ball

…co-starring her pet jerboa, Dennis

Holy Crap, Batman, An Actual Blog Post!

Hopefully, this will get me back to regular posting. First up…

New fiction up over on the fiction blog! It’s the Second Series of After The Change Came and it’s not written by the alternate Doc Cross who did the first one. Of course, anybody who hasn’t read the first series might get all confused, so that one will be available in it’s entirety on the Dociverse web site (http://www.thedociverse.com/#axzz1fDhhS3mH) in just a few days.

Healthwise, the injection of steroids that the Orthopedist gave me a week ago seems to finally have taken effect, since my arm/shoulder is much better now. Still not 100% and I had to postpone an MRI today due to a panic attack, but I will be back at work as soon as this work restriction is over on Tuesday. A good thing, too, because cabin fever was making me crazy.

In other health news, Grace has fully recovered from her broken arm and Winker is feeling better after a rather debilitating session of being in heat. Lucy is, as always, physically healthy while mentally she is our little Neurotic Nelly.

I am on Twitter as DocCross now, so you can follow me and stuff

I may well be on track to run two official games at Dundracon this year. I’ll know more in late January. If you come to the con, try to get in one of them.

Gotta go hit the sack now. More bloggage soon, my little hamsters.