The Girl With The Green Nipples Goes To San Francisco

…and hilarity ensued

The Doclopedia #392

Big Balls: The Hamster Ball Of Doom

You wanna know about the Hamster Ball of Doom? Yeah, I can tell ya all about it, buddy…IF ya buy me a beer an’ a shot. I’m kinda low on funds nowadays. Hey, thanks!

Anyway, I was a Minion, Second Class when ol’ Doctor Harfenberger…who was crazy as a shithouse rat, I’ll tell ya…learns that he’s dyin’ of cancer and decides to do his level best to destroy th’ world. Now, to us minions, this is not big news. Shit sakes, every fuckin’ Mad Scientist, Evil Genius and Criminal Mastermind gives it a try sooner or later! I remember when old Professor Vyle built that earthquake machine o’ his. Pretty impressive, but when he fired the damned thing up he suddenly remembered he was in Los Angeles. Ha ha ha! Got squashed flatter than a pancake when the machine toppled over in th’ quake.

Yeah, right, th’ hamster ball. So the nutty bastard has us all build this friggin’ hamster ball that’s 250 feet across! It’s got gyro stabilizers and food synthesizers and all kindsa shit built into it, but mostly it was clear as glass and made outta some indestructible stuff he created. Oh, yeah, and there was the energy field gizmo that did all the destroying! That was powered up by the hamster rollin’ th’ ball around.

Man, that hamster! He was just a regular little guy when we sealed him in th’ ball, but then Doc Harfenberger hits ‘im with some damned ray an’ pretty soon he’s 150 foot long and wantin’ to roll that ball! So then we turned ‘im loose an’ about an hour later he’s crushing the shit outta Las Vegas. Wasn’t nothin’ the military could do, ‘cos that energy field just caused whatever it touched to blow up. By the time Charlie…that’s what we called the hamster, Charlie…has heading towards Chicago, they were thinkin’ about nukin’ him.

It was about that time Ol’ Doc Harfenberger lost his fight with th’ Big C. Us minions, findin’ ourselves unemployed, did what minions do every time that happens: we looted th’ shit outta the secret hideout an’ went off lookin’ for work!

Without us sendin’ commands to th’ ball, it started breakin’ down. At some point, th’ special food lost it’s zing an’ ol’ Charlie shrank back down ta normal. I reckon when th’ ball opened up, he hauled ass for somewhere safe. Hope th’ lil’ guy made it an’ had a good life.

So that’s it, pal, th’ straight scoop. Hey, if ya buy me ‘nother drink, I’ll tell ya all ’bout how Dr. Tyrannus built that army o’ robot weasels!

 

After The Change Came: Series 2

Sin And Shoes, Glorious Shoes

As I said last night, today was a shopping for shoes kind of day and we did just that! Accompanied by Babe and Newton (who I forgot to mention is a Shiba Inu), Gina and I rode bicycles over to SoMa (that’s the South of Market Street area, for you non-San Franciscans) and began hitting up various shoe shops.

Now, Gina, with her petite little feet can shop just about anywhere, but when you start looking for cute woman’s shoes in a man’s size 12 E (still narrower than Old Yellow Eyes and his EEEE gunboats), your options decrease alarmingly. Fortunately, this is the perfect shopping town for a guy who likes dressing up as a gal, so we went to B. Franco Shoes on Folsom street.

Before the Change, Bernardo Franco was THE place to go for wonderful shoes in large sizes. All of them handcrafted and in many cases absolutely one of a kind. Not cheap, but you get what you pay for. I still have the first pair of high heels I ever bought there. They’re “Come Fuck Me” Red and dotted with rhinestones and are totally hot looking, as are the maybe 60 other pairs of shoes I’ve bought from Bernardo.

Now, just about a month before I died in ’94, Bernardo had his 60th birthday and was swearing that when he hit 70, he was going to retire and leave the business in the hands of his daughters, Michelle and Olivia. Of course, the Change shot his plans in the ass by turning him into a 20 year old Cobbler Gnome. So he’s still in the old location with a crew of about 25 other gnomes and his shoes are better than ever.

I dropped a bundle there and came out with five pair, including a totally sweet pair of gogo boots that will look great with a miniskirt a lady friend of mine back in Sacramento made for me. Still need just the right top for that ensemble, but I’m sure I’ll find it.

Anyhow, after nearly three hours of shoe shopping, we are having a late lunch (we didn’t get home until 4:00 AM and to sleep until 5:30) at Hot Sandwich (their pork torta is just crazy good) before heading off to a few clothing stores and then back to Gina’s for a bit of a rest. After that, Gina and I will be catching some roller derby action.

See y’all later!

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