Inventing Dangerous Shit For Fun & Profit

…sounds good to me

The Doclopedia #461

The Alphabet, Again: W is for…Wicked Sisterhood

NOTE: You can find out more about Andromeda Andropoulis here: )

The Wicked Sisterhood is a Victorian Era group of independently minded female criminals assembled by Andromeda Andropoulis, the greatest criminal mastermind of her day.

Andromeda (Andi Andi to her very close friends) met all of the women in her inner circle either while she was in boarding school or during her travels through Europe and the Americas. Each one of them is highly skilled in some field. Exactly when they began their sisterhood of crime is unknown, but in 1889 (when Andromeda would have been 26 years old) they killed Professor James Moriarty, the Napoleon of Crime and assumed control of his organization.

Few other solid facts about the Wicked Sisterhood are known, at least to the public. It is rumored that they have crossed paths with Sherlock Holmes, Doctor Tempest, Fu Manchu and that enigmatic man known only as “The Doctor”. A section of a report by Secret Service agents West and Gordon suggests that she had criminal activities going in the United States, Mexico and Canada going as early as 1884. It has never been established if she was in fact responsible for stopping the Ripper murders in 1888, but Sherlock Holmes thinks she did. Other unproven rumors include the one that says the sisterhood captured and holds alive both Dr, Henry Jekyll and the alleged “invisible man”, Jack Griffin, supposedly for use in scientific experiments.

The Wicked Sisterhood is extremely pro-women and has secretly funneled money to many charities that aid women and girls. The deaths of several prominent men who had violent tendencies towards women was definitely the work of sisterhood assassins, since notes saying as much were left on the bodies.

Per both Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Tempest, the inner circle of the Wicked Sisterhood is…

Andrea Andropoulis, criminal mastermind and financial genius

Pearl Dixon, master chemist specializing in poisons & venoms

Ana Pires, expert in politics and world affairs

Elizabeth Anne Brendelton, actress and cat burglar

Minoko, expert in art and art forgery

Lilia Komar, seductress and interrogation specialist

Katrina Volnova, spy and assassin

The exact size of the organization is unknown, but believed to be “on all continents except Antarctica” and number “in the tens of thousands”.

The Doclopedia #462

The Alphabet, Again: X is for…X Force 7 Ultra

X Force 7 Ultra is the name of a very popular Japanese animated series on Earth 65. It follows the exploits of a team of seven young people, each with only two super powers, who work for the Department of Scientific Intelligence. Each week they look into a different threat caused by mad scientists, aliens, supernatural creatures or other young superhumans. The episodes run one hour long and the series is in the sixth year of production.

The Doclopedia #463

The Alphabet, Again: X is for…Xoonoo

One day on Earth 3, a spatial anomaly opened up and Xoonoo stepped through it. Nine feet tall, stockily built and looking like a cross between a Samoan wrestler, a tiger and a teddy bear, it soon turned out that Xoonoo was harmless, friendly and had a very limited vocabulary. He is also, as the militaries of several countries have found out, virtually indestructible and impossible to imprison.

Xoonoo spends most of his time just wandering around looking at things. When he sees people, he smiles, smacks his chest with his fist and says “Xoonoo!” in his deep and pleasant voice. If he likes something, such as waffles, he laughs and says “ZiZi!”. If he does not like something, such as beer, he frowns, shakes his head and says “Mugumbo!” He calls both dogs and cats “Weefee”, refers to any sort of aircraft as “Omma” and calls all humans “Teemoo”. Once in a while, he’ll start singing in his native language. Such songs are always happy and have a catchy tune. They can also last up to three days.

On June 15th, 2003, the Warsennian Conquest Fleet went into orbit around Earth. When the Grand High General landed to ask humans if they would surrender rather than die, Xoonoo, moving at an incredible speed, killed the Grand High General and all of those in his party. Xoonoo then went onboard their landing shuttle and did something that caused the entire fleet to fly into the sun. He then emerged and beat the shuttle into a pile of junk. When he was done, he looked at it and the dead Warsennians, said “Mugumbo!” in a most emphatic manner, then walked off singing a merry tune.

As a reward, the citizens of Earth gave Xoonoo a pile of 402,000 waffles. It took him three days to eat them all. He declared them “ZiZi!”

Not In This Issue: Creamed Peas, Mayan Gold Or Dilbys

…we could have used that Mayan gold

The Doclopedia #459

The Alphabet, Again: W is for…Waldo Brothers

In 1972, Harold and Matt Waldo, two brothers from Rumskyville, Ohio, came into a bit of money ($15,000.00) and decided to use it to travel around the country investigating strange legends and stuff like that. Armed with two 16mm movie cameras, several still cameras, some cassette recorders and a bunch of other items they thought might be useful, they set out to find the truth. Traveling in their trusty 1955 Ford pickup, they were far more successful than anyone ever dreamed.

In the wilds of Northern California, they not only filmed an entire village of sasquatches, they got copious hair, skin, blood and fecal samples. This lead to scientists admitting that Bigfoot was indeed real.

In Virginia, they were able to first film, then later capture the Mothman. It turned out that Mothman was a mutated human, the first of many that the brothers would encounter.

It took 5 weeks investigation in Wisconsin, but Harold & Matt were finally able to catch the Beast of Bray Road. This was the first of five werewolves that they would catch over the next 30 years.

Outside Ely, Nevada, the team was able to film almost an hour of footage of a UFO landing and the crew getting out to do some sort of surveying. Twenty six well documented sightings later, the US Government was forced to admit that UFOs had been visiting Earth since at least 1,500 BC.

When the guys managed to catch, document and radio tag the Loch Ness Monster, they won a 2.5 million pound prize from a group of UK cryptid hunting groups.

During their long career, the Waldo brothers also recorded 148 ghosts, staked 23 vampires, managed to chase the Jersey Devil into a bank vault and proved that the Royal Family of Britain were NOT Reptoids, but the Rupert Murdoch Family WAS.

The Doclopedia #460

The Alphabet, Again: W is for…Weasel #22

When an explosion destroyed the ConGen laboratory outside Portland, Oregon, the only lab animal that survived was Weasel #22, a weasel that had been injected with growth hormones. Almost immediately, the six foot long mustelid killed and ate a homeless person. In three days time, Weasel #22 was 15 feet long and eating a couple of humans a day. By the end of a week, he was 30 feet long and killing dozens of humans every day, although he seldom ate more than 3 or 4 of them.

Portland was in a state of panic by the time the military was called in. It took the Army and Air Force another 4 days to find the weasel, who was then 45 feet long and terrifyingly fast. Eventually, they killed Weasel #22 with a combination of napalm and hand grenades. Estimates are that the weasel killed 457 people and caused nearly a billion dollars in damages.

Dr. Silkmelon Goes On Holiday And Discovers A Lost City

…as he is wont to do from time to time

The Doclopedia #457

The Alphabet, Again: V is for…Vibroman

When he was accidentally bathed in vibronic radiation from an exploding UFO, college student Leo Zenkner gained the ability to make all or parts of his body vibrate at and speed he chose. Among his powers were the jackhammer punch, the ability to walk through walls, being hard to recognize & near impossible to hold onto and superspeed. Being a comic book fan from way back, Leo naturally made a costume and started fighting crime, an occupation that he was very good at.

It should also be noted that Leo, who was quite good looking and never had much problem meeting women, soon became a sexual partner of legendary proportions. It is even said that a few women, having experienced Leo’s vibratory lovemaking, were never satisfied with another man.

The Doclopedia #458

The Alphabet, Again: V is for…Veggie Land

In the Tooniverse, there is an entire continent called Veggie Land that is inhabited by anthropomorphic vegetables & fruits. It’s a pretty happy and wacky place, much like 95% of the Tooniverse is.

The rulers of Veggie Land are King Kaleus and his wife, Queen Cabbagetta. Other famous inhabitants of the kingdom are the famous film directors, Steven Spinachberg and George Lettuce…daring female pilot Amelia Artichokehart…Newsman Walter Cornkhite…actresses Drew Raspberrymore and Dame Maggie Squash…science fiction writer Isaac Applemov and the rock groups Electric Light Orange, Led Zucchini. They Might Be Tomatoes and Bruce Stringbean & The E Street Band.

Certain other royalty rule some areas of Veggie Land. The most notorious is Baron Bananaslovsky, who often teams up with Count Von Rutabaga to try and take control of the kingdom. Meanwhile, in Grovania, Countess Cherry and her Fruit Force work to stop the Baron’s evil plans.

Recent popular books in Veggie Land include “Harry Pepper and the Goblet of Fertilizer”, “How Green Was My Onion”, “The Old Man and the Pea” and “Parsley & Me”. Popular movies are “Star Fruit Wars”, “Green Bean Lantern”, “The Bean Identity” and “You Only Bloom Twice”.

The Rare And Beautiful Red Backed Swamp Gnu Of Potawango Island

…they are a new gnu

The Doclopedia #454

The Alphabet, Again: U is for…UrZib Spice

UrZib spice is a very rare spice made from the dried flower petals of the Zib Rose, which only grows high up near the tree line in the Drinafus Mountains. The Zib Rose is a miniature rose with no more than a half dozen flowers per plant. Since each flower only has four petals, it takes quite a few plants to even gather a pound of petals. Add in the extreme danger from rock slides, the weather, ferocious beasts & Mountain Trolls and you can see why UrZib spice is expensive stuff.

UrZib spice is used in many gourmet dishes, including Moogrot Stew, Boiled Samki Fowl, Pleeves with Kolb Sauce and most famously, Stuffed and Fried Covico Fish.

The Doclopedia #455

The Alphabet, Again: U is for…Underwear Of Monster Detection

Some Wizards have a pretty twisted sense of humor. So it was with whatever Wizard created the Underwear of Monster Detection. The underwear, which adapts itself to fit any humanoid creature that wears it, looks just like an ordinary pair of boxer shorts. They are reportedly quite comfortable…until a monster is within 100 feet of the wearer, at which point they bunch up very tightly, creating a painful wedgie that last a full 30 seconds. Despite the discomfort, these magical undies are a much sought after item, as they have saved many lives with their advance warning.

The Doclopedia #456

The Alphabet, Again: V is for…Venusian Devil Women

On June 1, 1957, Independent American Films released “Rocket X To Venus”, a medium budget film about four astronauts landing on the planet Venus. The poor downtrodden Venusians were being ruled by the evil Venusian Devil Women, who were tall, beautiful, well built and evil. Naturally, with the help of the earthmen, the Venusians rose up in rebellion and drove the Devil Women into exile.

The film made a huge profit and it didn’t take a genius to see that the Devil Women were the reason why. Armed with this knowledge, the studio made three sequels, “Devil Women Of Mars”, “Attack Of The Devil Women” and “Return Of The Devil Women”. All of the pictures made money, but fan interest died out when surf movies became the rage.

In 1995, Zony Pictures released “Return Of The Venusian Devil Women”, which combined the plots of the first and fourth movies. It raked in $425 million at the box office. At least two sequels are expected.

One Little Kitten Fooled The Cops

…later, he got a half pound of salmon as a reward

The Doclopedia #451

The Alphabet, Again: T is for…Toads From Hell

First off, the giant toads that ravaged the English countryside in 1897 were not actually from Hell. They were from the laboratory of Doctor Hewitt Leverson, a mad scientist who specialized in biology. Never a big fan of Steam Age technology and what it was doing to the environment, the doctor decided to set loose some toads that he had treated with a miracle growth hormone. That would teach people a thing or two!

According to the notes found in his abandoned home, Leverson anticipated that the toads would stop growing at about the 100 pound size. In fact, the smallest toad killed by the army weighed 900 pounds. Most of the Toads from Hell, as the newspapers called them, weighed at least twice that much. The largest weighed 2,600 pounds and had eaten a farmer shortly before it was killed.

The toads rapidly spread out from Leverson’s lab and began mating. Incubation and growth took place at an accelerated rate and soon there were thousands of giant toads ravaging the countryside from Plymouth in the south to Nottingham in the north and from Canterbury in the east to Wales in the west. The military was called out to eradicate the monsters, which the did using both ground troops and airships, but it took several months, during which 372 people died. The losses to livestock and pets was staggering.

Even though the vast majority of giant toads were destroyed by the fall of 1897, there were still many that hibernated and caused trouble in 1898. In fact, giant toads were still being killed as late as June, 1920, when a 1,200 pounder was killed near Bath.

Dr. Leverson was never brought to justice for his crime and even managed to cause more trouble in 1914 with the release of several giant stoats into downtown London. Fortunately for the world, he appears to have been eaten by a giant house cat in 1919.

The Doclopedia #452

The Alphabet, Again: T is for…Twang, Arkansas

The tiny town of Twang, Arkansas, is one of those special places known as a Weirdness Magnet. That means that is something screwy is going to take place, it will probably take place there. A few examples…

On August 4, 1936, an alien spacecraft landed just outside town near the Baptist church. Three aliens got out of the craft and took the tires off of Reverend Miller’s 1930 Ford truck, then took off in their craft, tires and all. Mrs. Miller had to be treated for nerves and Hank Tatterfield, the local handyman took to drinking.

In the spring of 1943, all of the dead rose from the town cemetery. However, instead of attacking the living, most of them just sort of wandered around until they started falling apart a couple of days later. The rest wandered down to Crystal Creek and pretended to go fishing.

Sometime in 1957, Oggie Perd’s dog, Samson, learned how to talk and ride a bicycle. After talking to just about everybody in town, he stole Gary Falker’s new three speed bike and rode out of town, never to be seen again. This was fine by most folks, since Samson was “kinda uppity and maybe a Communist”.

Late in 1980, more aliens landed in the town square and totally disrupted the Thanksgiving Festival. After a few hours, they bought 5 berry pies from the Lady’s Auxiliary pie booth and then went back out into space.

On the 4th of July, 1991, Jed Norman and Evadell Price both vanished without a trace while everyone else was watching the watermelon seed spitting contest. This was not actually a weird happening, they just ran off together to California, where Jed’s cousin Emmett ran a body & fender shop.

The Doclopedia #453

The Alphabet, Again: U is for…Ugly Water

One of the worst acts of product tampering ever took place at the very exclusive “Perfection” resort on opening day. All of the rich and beautiful people were there and most of them at some point drank some “Heaven Water”, the latest fad in bottled water. What they did not know is that the water had been treated with a cocktail of mutagens and genetically modified DNA. 48 hours later, everybody who had even so much as sipped the water was horribly ugly. We’re talking really ugly here…like, even your mama wouldn’t love you ugly. Pork chop hanging on your neck before your dog will play with you ugly. U…G…L…Y…you ain’t got no alibi ugly.

Naturally, all of those ugly people sought out medical help from plastic surgeons. Nothing worked, because the tampered DNA was part of them now. Several of the formerly beautiful committed suicide and many others went into seclusion. Sales of bottled water pretty much stopped, especially when similar events in New York, Paris, Milan, Dubai and Tokyo occurred. The culprits behind these acts of terrorism were never captured.

The American Tweezer Collector’s Newsletter

…all of the latest rare tweezer news

The Doclopedia #448

The Alphabet, Again: S is for…Sleeping Dragon Of The Outback

“Well, mate, the name says it all, don’t it? It’s a great bloody dragon sleepin’ way out back of beyond and they reckon it’s been there for 5,000 years or better. Gets around 8 million tourists lookin’ at it every year. Worried? Me? Ah hell no! I reckon if it wakes up, it’ll be lookin’ to eat somethin’ besides a stringy old cattle rancher.” – Steve Walkins, rancher, Northern Territory

“The dragon was originally thought to be a mountain rising up from the desert. Of course, when Major Cooper and his expedition finally reached it in the spring of 1833, they found out exactly what it was. Naturally, when news of the dragon got out to the rest of the world, scientists, men of the cloth, mystics and general sightseers flocked here by the thousands. Fortunately, enough Royal Army troops arrived in time to keep most of them back a good distance. Most, but not all, which is why the Great Twitch of 1836 happened. After that, the Army presence increased tenfold and the strict shoot to kill order was put into place.” – Alec Halerton, professor, University of Perth

“The dragon is, as best we can measure it, 14.3 miles long from nose to tip of tail, with the tail making up 5 miles of that. The back, where covered by the folded wings, peaks at an altitude of 6,096 feet. From side to side, the chest area measures just shy of two miles across. The head is a mile long and not quite a half mile across from side to side at the widest point.: – informational sign at the Dragon Viewing Center, Northern Territory border

“Ok, this is what we know: It’s alive, it evolved right here on Earth, it’s very deeply asleep and it violates so many laws of physics and biology that it makes my head hurt to think about it. It’s been asleep on that spot for at least 5,000 years and the Aborigines tell us that it will wake up “soon”, but they’ve been saying that for nearly 200 years. What will happen when it does wake up? Well, consider the following: when that bunch of religious nuts tried to wake it in 1836 by blowing up 500 pounds of gunpowder near the right rear foot, it twitched that foot in annoyance twice, triggering earthquakes all around the South Pacific and Indian Oceans. The shockwave in Australia probably measured 5.5 or better. When the dragon very slightly adjusted it’s sleeping position in 1921, it caused a dust storm that covered the whole continent in a thin cloud of dust for three days and the shockwave caused a bunch more quakes as it traveled around the world. In 2003, a stomach gurgle was heard 150 miles away. Me, I don’t want to be anywhere near it when it wakes up.” – Brian Patterson, scientist, U.N. Dragon Observation Team

“Yeah, all of those allegedly mentally ill people who claim that they’ve shared dreams with the dragon? Well, I know for a fact that they aren’t all nuts. I worked at the facility in Perth where they take them and I know that they give the strongest “sedatives” to the people who are least likely to be crazy. And those drugs are mixed with something else, which might explain why those folks can’t remember shit about the dreams once they leave. You can bet your ass that those U.N. Doctors record every word those people tell them though…right up until that needle goes in. Huh? Oh, yeah, well, the basic theme of all the dreams is that the dragon is full of stored magic and when it awakens, all that magic is gonna come pouring back into the world. I guess you can see why the U.N. Wants to hush that up.” – Ms. X, lab tech, current location unknown

The Doclopedia #449

The Alphabet, Again: S is for… Science Dog

On Earth 190, where science (and SCIENCE!) rule, the most popular television show for small children is “Science Dog”, which stars Albert, the animated basset hound. Every episode, Albert and his friends explain some law of science or talk about some interesting scientific news. The ratings are huge and Science Dog will be starting a 25th season in 2003.

The Doclopedia #450

The Alphabet, Again: T is for…Tower Of The Mad Wizard

Tower of the Mad Wizard is adventure module TW-1 for the Mages & Mazes roleplaying game by RPGames. It was the 15th module produced by the company and is widely regarded as one of the best adventures ever written. Written for characters of Level 5 to 7, it features several new monsters, many cunning traps & puzzles and, of course, the titular mad wizard. Combined with Maze of the Mad Wizard (TW-2) and Death to the Mad Wizard (TW-3) it offers an average of 18 gaming sessions worth of play and ties in directly to the “Dark Forest” trilogy of adventures.

Hand Me That Frog, Melvin

…and then go wash your hands

The Doclopedia #445

The Alphabet, Again: R is for…Reversing The Polarity

It is flatly amazing how many times on hundreds of Earths and other worlds somebody has tried this to solve a problem. Don’t they realize that it either does not do anything or else it does exactly the wrong thing? Some examples…

On the Starship Enterpipes, the Chief Engineer once tried reversing the polarity of the warp coils in order to get the ship moving after an energy draining attack. Did it work? Hell no! What it did was blow the ship up, taking 34 other ships, 3 small moons and a medium sized gas giant with it.

While trying to stop a rampaging giant robot in 1937 Washington, DC, Professor Ajax Thoth tried reversing the polarity on it. This caused the robot to move three times as fast as it had been and start spewing out smaller robots every 15 minutes. By midnight that night, Washington was a smoking ruin and the robot army was heading for New York.

The great mystic Grigori Tarkoff, facing off against the supernatural creature known as Viryodalak, decided to “reverse the polarity of the mystic energies” and not only completely destroyed the creature and it’s home dimension, but reset the timeline of Earth 61 so that nobody with the last name Tarkoff ever existed.

So let that be a lesson, folks: NEVER REVERSE THE POLARITY!

The Doclopedia #446

The Alphabet, Again: R is for…Red Bear

From “Stories Of The Human Beings”, by Little Owl of the Fox Nation

“In our legends, Red Bear was the one who helped drive the white devils away. He was part man and part bear and he was very tall. Sometimes, he could look like all bear or all man. When he would roar, brave men would fall down and cry like children. When he used his claws to hit, they would leave marks in stone or even iron.”

“When he knew that the white devils had come to the lands of the east, Red Bear came down off of the great mountains and ran for many days to get there. On the way, he would stop at villages and tell them that they must not fight with other Human Beings, but join together to stop the white devils from taking the land and killing everyone. Everybody listened to him and spread the word to other villages.”

“When Red Bear reached the sea, he killed many of the white devils and destroyed their giant boats. He told the Human Beings to burn their bodies and all of their things. The fires burned for three days. Later, maybe two winters, more white devils came. By that time, there were many warriors there to meet them. All of the white devils were killed and burned with their belongings. This happened many times.”

“One day, after killing more white devils, Red Bear decided to go to their lands and teach them to stay way. He took 100 men and 100 bears with him and they were gone for many winters. After they came back, Red Bear said that the white devils would not bother us for maybe 50 winters. Then, he had the 100 men teach other Human Beings many things, like how to build giant boats and boomsticks and many other things. Red Bear and the 100 bears went away, but would come back many times to kill white devils.”

The Doclopedia #447

The Alphabet, Again: S is for…Sun Sing

On the Earth where magic first appeared in China, Sun Sing is the most notorious thief of them all, because he only steals from mighty Wizards and the Imperial family. While this has made him the most wanted man in all of China, it has also made him a legendary hero among the common folk. He never has to look far for a helping hand or a place to hide.

Sun Sing is 5’9” tall and very good looking. It is said that he could hide out from the very gods themselves just by staying with various girlfriends. He is light of frame and as nimble as you would expect a thief to be. It is also said that he is well versed in the use of a sword, which would explain why the tiger-man that guarded the home of the Wizard Hue Zheng was decapitated just before a thief made off with the enchanted Lotus Mirror.

The greatest talent Sun Sing possesses is that he himself is a Wizard of no small ability. In particular, he is a master of counterspells, which explains much of his success. Why he turned to thievery is unknown, but the rumors say that the great Wizards and the Emperor once brought shame to his family. If that is the case, Sun Sing is paying them back many times over.

Lucy & Sasha And The Search For Food

…it never ends

The Doclopedia #443

The Alphabet, Again: R is for…Rumsucker

If there is one thing that most pirates fear above all others, it is that ghastly creature known as the Rumsucker. As the name implies, it can drink prodigious amounts of rum, leaving a pirate crew in a totally bewildering state of sobriety. Worse yet, the Rumsucker is very hard to detect, due to it possessing the ability to shapeshift into any form. A Rumsucker might look like an empty box, a coil of rope or even one of the crew.

Oddly, for a creature who spends so much time on ships at sea, Rumsuckers are terrible swimmers. They will try in any way they can to get from one ship to another without getting into the water. If a Rumsucker does fall in, it has maybe 3 or 4 minutes before it drowns.

The Doclopedia #444

The Alphabet, Again: R is for…Rantor The Terrible

Rantor the Terrible was the ruler of Animal Earth for 23 years. He was a huge bull elephant, feared by all. He was also pretty much insane and would kill you as soon as look at you.

One day, a sly little cat came to him and told him that up on the High Plateau, all of the animals mocked him. This sent Rantor into a rage and he ordered his people to find a way to get him up to the top of the up until then unclimable plateau so he could deal with these mocking animals.

After a few days, and with suggestions from that sly and very clever cat, a huge hot air balloon was created that could lift Rantor to the plateau. He got aboard and the balloon slowly lifted his huge bulk up to the high place, fully two thousand feet above the rest of the countryside. The animals below had been ordered to hold the balloon tethered, so that Rantor could come back down, but once he was on the plateau, the cat cut the rope and the balloon floated away.

The animals all were afraid, since Rantor’s wrath would be terrible. Then the cat pointed out that Rantor had no way of getting down. The animals rejoiced and there was much singing and dancing. Later, they named the little cat their king.

Which is, of course, what the cat wanted all the time.

Who Puts A Burglar Alarm On A Toilet Seat?

…I mean, that was just wrong!

HOLY SHIT! SIX Doclopedia entries! I reckon I’ve done my penance for not writing enough the past two days.

The Doclopedia #437

The Alphabet, Again: P is for…Panda-Man

If you ask most science fiction and fantasy fans where Furries are on the scale of fandom, they would most likely tell you “at the very bottom”, although a good case could also be made for Twilight Moms and people who really like the films of Michael Bay.

Still, when two of the most outspoken members of furry fandom got super powers, even the other furries agreed that it was the new definition of “bad idea”. On the one hand, you had Jacob Leshmann, AKA “Panda-Man”, who was by all accounts a whiner and master of passive aggression, and on the other hand you had Paul Henk,AKA “Dark Rabbit”, a loudmouthed know it all douchebag.

How they got super powers is a big hush hush secret that the NSA will kill you for knowing, but whatever it was, it happened on day three of the World Science Fiction Convention in Chicago and it pretty much drove furry fandom deep underground for a few years.

The story goes like this: Leshmann and Henk, in full costume, were arguing loudly over some bit of furry trivia when both of them started to glow. Next thing you know, the costumes were no longer costumes and they were both about 8 feet tall and they started duking it out. All over Chicago. For two days.

Panda-Man was superstrong, very tough, very fast and could fly. Dark Rabbit was not quite as strong, every bit as tough, quite a bit faster and could truly leap over a tall building with a single bound. If the two of them had just beat the crap out of each other in one spot, it would have been ok, since your average Chicagoan like watching a good fight, but they were knocking each other through buildings and houses and tearing up millions of dollars of real estate.

Calling the military in didn’t help much, since it is estimated that they did about 100 million in damage beyond the 3.5 billion that the two super furries did. In the end, it was a lucky punch by Panda-Man that ended the fight, knocking Dark Rabbit clean through the Chicago Tribune building and into an pair of Army tanks. Elated to have won his first fight ever, Leshmann had little time to bask in the glow of victory, since he had to fly away from incoming air support.

Today, Panda-Man pops up from time to time to help disaster victims, who appreciate it as long as he doesn’t speak much and stays downwind. What he does when he’s hiding out is anybody’s guess, but rumors in the furry community say that he never lacks for female furry companionship, something most of us would rather not think about.

Dark Rabbit escaped from the Army before he could be taken to some secret government lab. He stays hidden most of the time, but has popped up now and again to bedevil the U.S. government or publicly challenge Panda-Man to a rematch.

The Doclopedia #438

The Alphabet, Again: P is for…Pee

On our version of Earth, urine is pretty much the same among most mammals, but on other Earths, pee is not always something that just gets flushed down the loo.

For example, on a few magical Earths, some powerful magical creature, as well as certain old & powerful wizards, actually piss out magical pee. With only a bit of additives and processing, it can be used in all manner of potions and spells. Getting it is, as you can imagine, not so easy.

On a couple of post apocalyptic Earths, some mutants have highly corrosive pee. They often use this against better armed foes, so as to destroy weapons, armor and vehicles.

On all of the Dog and/or Cat Earths, pee can carries fairly complex messages to those who smell it. The residents of these worlds call it “pee mail”.

It will come as no surprise that dragon piss is both corrosive and highly flammable, but did you know that unicorn piss can heal even the most terrible of wounds, providing you can find a unicorn with a full bladder before you bleed to death.

On the planet Cevistra, the humanoid residents pee is rich in quadlithium, which all starships run on. This has pretty much lead to the job of most Cevistrans being “drink lots of water, take a big leak”.

Robots don’t pee, but most cyborgs do and it contains traces of everything from motor oil to burned out nanites to radiation.

Finally, with toons, it’s not so much what they pee, but how they pee. Due to the Toon Law of “Will It Get A Laugh?”, toon males (and some toon females), can often pee with enormous pressure that will send them flying around like a balloon letting out air. At other times, usually when time is of the essence, they can pee for an hour or better. Finally, toon urine is never ever the same color twice.

The Doclopedia #439

The Alphabet, Again: P is for…Panodian Hunter Witches

On the world of the Circle Sea, the island of Panodia is best avoided unless you have need of the famous Hunter Witches. These dangerous and powerful women can find any sentient or animal you set them after and will return them dead or alive, your choice. Of course, the hunt may take awhile and the price is very high (and not always completely payable in gold), but success is guaranteed.

Those thinking of going to Panodia should be advised that full payment is expected in advance. Anyone bothering the Hunter Witches without full payment on hand will never leave the island alive.

The Doclopedia #440

The Alphabet, Again: P is for…Porkachu

On some Earths, the annoying and seizure inducing little mascot of the “Pokemon” television series and movies was based on a pink pig, not a yellow rat thing. He was still just as annoying and for many parents, the words “Porkachu, I choose you!” meant “time for another glass of wine”.

The Doclopedia #441

The Alphabet, Again: Q is for…QuickSex

On Earth 95, life is busy busy BUSY! Nobody has time for long meals, reading books, sitting around doing nothing or all the time it takes to meet somebody for sex. Instead, the good people at Pleasure Corp. invented QuickSex! Just plug the QuickSex module into your auxiliary cranial port and you’ll be hooked up either to your regular sexual partner or a randomly chosen member of your favorite sex. Then, over the next 30 real time seconds, you’ll both enjoy an hour of hot computer generated mindsex. Just be sure to wear your Absorbitall Undies!

The Doclopedia #442

The Alphabet, Again: Q is for…Quigglesby

Francesca Quigglesby, usually known just by her last name, was the spy who broke all the rules for being a spy…but was also the greatest spy who ever lived. Where other female spies were slender, sexy, nimble and seductive, Quigglesby was tall, fat, mousy haired, average looking and not at all nimble. Oddly, this made her irresistible to most of the handsome & debonair male spies, a fact that she used to her great advantage and pleasure. It didn’t hurt that she was also a master of all firearms, a skilled street brawler, an expert driver and a genius in a couple of dozen fields.

Quigglesby retired after she engineered the fall of World Communism. She spent the next 40 years of her life as an author of mysteries and spy novels. She was always seen in the company of handsome and debonair men.


…relax, it’s just a nonsense word

Doc Update!

1: As announced earlier elsewhere, the doctor took the stitches out of my shoulder and told me I’ll be cleared to go back to work as soon as I feel up to it. Given that my arm is a bit weak from lack of use and still has a tiny bit of pain in the shoulder, I reckon I’ll be off work at least another week or two.

2: I finished reading “I Am Half-Sick Of Shadows”, the fourth Flavia de Luce novel by Alan Bradley. It was, as they all have been, a darned good read and a good mystery.

3: I’ve also finished Doc Savage: The Lost Radio Scripts of Lester Dent. It’s a pretty interesting read and look back at how radio scripts were written. Considering that pretty much each episode was a self contained story presented in 15 minutes, they are pretty good tales. It would be great if somebody could produce them again, probably for internet radio.

4: My Sweet Little Pork Tamale Of Love, Grace, is doing very well in her battle against diabetes. She has lowered her numbers significantly in the last month or so. GO GRACE!

5: Lucy and Sasha, AKA The Girls, are fit as canine fiddles and living the good life. Whoever thought that saying “a dog’s life” or “treated like a dog” was a bad thing?

6: I am still about 10 1/2 months and 364 entries away from my goal of 500 Doclopedia entries, but I’m chipping away at it. I’m more than halfway through my repat tackling of the alphabet and I have an idea of what the next couple of themes will be.

7: On another writing front, also mentioned elsewhere, I’m going along nicely on my rewrites of the previous four DogCon/CatCon fictional convention reports. The first one was rather short, so it’s getting some serious beefing up. The second and fourth are getting a smaller dose of love and the third, massive one, is getting only a minor polishing. Seeing as how those four will make up about 90 entries…AND I need to start the fifth one (which I’m writing in advance) by the end of July…I’ll start reposting them on the fiction blog about the end of March.

8:My veggie garden plans are not firmed up yet, but I’m just waiting for the rainy season to pass and then it’s on, baby!

And now, I have chores to to before writing, or my wife and dogs will beat me about the head and shoulders.

The Ice Cream Dwarves And The Cupcake Elves Go To War!

…against the Vegetable Fairies

The Doclopedia #434

The Alphabet, Again: O is for…Orok The Unstoppable

On Earth 3, giant monster movies had a longer and more lucrative run than they did on our world. The 1972 release of “Orok the Unstoppable” is widely regarded as the pinnacle of the giant monster movie craze.

While the plot of the movie was no big departure from the standard “science creates enormous monster…monster destroys a city or two…monster finally gets killed (?)” formula, the acting, budget and special effects were way above the norm.

The movie starred Spencer Tracey as Dr. Lewis Hall, Sean Connery as Dr. Mark Powers, Natalie West as Judy Hall and Sterling Hayden as General Ted Roberts. The budget was an unheard of 5 million dollars and most of the special effects people went straight from that job to “Star Wars”.

Orok itself was a combination of man and dinosaur that, according to the movie, stood 100 feet tall and could spray caustic venom from its mouth. The creature was finally killed by using an x ray laser.

The film grossed $105 million dollars worldwide, which kept the studio, MGM, from bankruptcy. A sequel was planned, but due to legal problems was never made. After “Star Wars” came out in 1977, the interest in giant monster movies died out until the revival of the craze in 2005 with the release of the big budget remake of “The Amazing Colossal Man”. In late 2010, Peter Jackson and Steven Spielberg announced that they would film a remake of “Orok The Unstoppable” starting in the spring of 2012. Rumor has it that Harrison Ford will play Dr. Lewis Hall.

The Doclopedia #435

The Alphabet, Again: O is for…Ookie Monkey

In two of the worlds where humans and toons coexist, Ookie the Monkey is a big movie star. Accompanied by his two dimwitted pals, Hurky Hippo and Goober Gazelle, Ookie has misadventures in every place from Africa to the San Diego Zoo, usually involving their archenemy, Bwana Biff and his buddy, Artie Zobrowski. His films generally do quite well at the box office.

When not making movies, Ookie prefers to lead a quite life at home in Beverly Hills with his wife of 45 years, Nikki, and his children and grandchildren.

The Doclopedia #436

The Alphabet, Again: O is for…Olivia Durgan

Olivia Durgan was the real name of Lacey Lavender, also known as the Phantom Cowgirl, a legendary figure of the Old West.

Born in 1832 as the fifth child (and only daughter) of eight to a family of Irish immigrants in Boston, Olivia ran away from home at the age of 11. Determined to get as far away from the big city as possible, she made her way down to Kentucky a few months later, where she was taken in by a family that bred and trained horses. Showing a natural aptitude for dealing with animals, Olivia was soon helping train horses and dogs as well. At age 14, one of the many local boys smitten with the beautiful redhead taught her how to shoot both rifle and pistol. Add in the fact that for her first eleven years she had been fighting older and younger brothers and you had a young lady who could more than take care of herself.

When gold was discovered in California, Olivia decided to move on. After a tearful goodbye, she got on her horse, Opal, and followed by her dog, Grits, headed west. It was not an easy trip and rumor has it that she killed at least three men in self defense. Oddly, she was never bothered much by Native Americans, even those tribes that had little love for the white man. No explanation has ever been given for this, but a few native legends tell of a white woman who taught some tribes valuable lessons about fighting white soldiers.

By the time she arrived in Sacramento, in the spring of 1851, Olivia had become Lacey Lavender, a singer and poker player of some skill. She quickly found a job touring the mining camps and boomtowns with a group of actors. This lasted until the summer of 1852, at which time she took her money and several young women seeking a better life and bought a farm near Folsom, California. Soon after that, the Phantom Cowgirl made her first appearance when she stopped a rape in a mining camp. The would be rapist, a known troublemaker named Ben Culver, was found with his “raping tools” shot off by a single bullet. His victim was gone.

Over the next 25 years, the Phantom Cowgirl fought crime and injustice from the Mexican border in the south to Portland Oregon in the north and as far east as Denver. It is now believed that there was actually more than one Phantom Cowgirl, since several of her exploits took place too far apart for a normal horse to travel in the amount of time needed. This theory is given weight by the fact that Lacey married a rancher named Matt Jefferson in 1860 and moved onto his ranch outside Marysville, California. However, her own farm was then converted into a school for young women and more than a few of them had the skills to be the Phantom Cowgirl.

Liquid Metal Vampire Hunters

…yet another fake anime series

The Doclopedia #432

The Alphabet, Again: N is for…Numb Beans

The beans of the semi-sentient Hunting Lily Vine are the source of a powerful anesthetic that many people find useful. Healers use it to help with pain, mages use it in a variety of spells and assassins use it to mask the painful effects of some poisons.

Collecting the beans, which must be done while they are fresh and green, is not without some peril, since the Hunting Lily Vine has been known to kill and devour creatures twice the size of a man. The best tactic seems to be tossing a couple of goats to the vine, then rushing in to pick the bean pods while it consumes them. Considering how fast a Hunting Lily Vine can eat, using a steer might be a better idea.

The Doclopedia #433

The Alphabet, Again: N is for…Nickel Station

United Earth Deep Space Station #5 (AKA Nickel Station) is located at the outer edge of the Kuiper Belt on a dwarf planet roughly 2/3 the size of Pluto. It is home to 1,500 permanent residents and another 3,500 temporary residents, most of them Spacefleet personnel.

While Nickel Station is a much sought after duty for scientists, it is strictly voluntary duty for most Spacefleet ratings. However, since volunteering for a three year assignment guarantees your next duty station will be one you pick and also comes with double pay, there is never a shortage of volunteers.

The primary duty of the station is scientific observation of the Oort Cloud and Kuiper belt, plus refueling and repair of Spacefleet deep space vessels. They are also a listening post for SETI 4, which has to date located signals from seven alien civilizations.

Chapter 39: In Which Our Hero Rides Off To War, But Not Until Thrashing The Wicked Vicar And Setting Free The Goose

…the goose was very grateful

The Doclopedia #430

The Alphabet, Again: M is for…Mikwitz

Mikwitz are tiny two inch tall humanoids native to certain fantasy versions of Earth. Possessed of both great speed and a great potential for mischief, they are the bane of Wizards and Alchemists. A single Mikwitz, or worse yet a small group, will get into a storage area for spell/potion components and switch the contents of jars and pots around. This can end up being merely annoying or a total disaster, as in the famous example where the Wizard Ibn al Wakeed mixed the wrong components together and caused an explosion that left a 300 foot wide crater where his home had once stood.

Fortunately, most (but by no means all) Mikwitz are terrified by cats. Of course, having cats in your laboratory comes with a whole other set of risks, but most Wizards & Alchemists agree that it’s still a hell of a lot safer than even one Mikwitz.

The Doclopedia #431

The Alphabet, Again: N is for…Night Women

Across much of Africa and India, the legend of the Night Women has terrified men for centuries. As the stories go, these beautiful women wait along lonely trails for a man, or perhaps a couple of men, to come by. When that happens, the women step out of the shadows totally nude and offer the men sex, which the stories say no man can refuse. At some point during the sex act, the Night Women drains every bit of blood from the man via his penis. The corpse is then left on the road for somebody to find.

It would be easy to write this all off as a primitive folk tale if it weren’t for the fact that upwards of 300 male corpses with exploded genital areas are found on remote roads and even back alleys in large cities. Some of these corpses are even found in motor vehicles, apparently showing that the Night Women can get men to stop and give them a ride. So far, science has no explanation for these deaths, although law enforcement insists that they are the work of serial killers or terrorists.

It’s All Fun & Games Until Somebody Blinks

…DON’T BLINK! (if you’re not a Doctor Who fan, you won’t get it)

The Doclopedia #428

The Alphabet, Again: M is for…Monster Island

A great many other Earths have a place called Monster Island, but they vary quite a bit as to geography, topography and exactly what kind of “monsters”, if any, you’ll find there. Below, a few examples…

On at least 7 worlds, Monster Island is where the Japanese have managed, with varying degrees of success, to corral Godzilla, Rodan & friends. In our world, this only happens in the movies.

On 3 different fantasy based Earths, Monster Island is the near mythical spawning grounds for all of the rarest, strangest and most deadly forms of monster. On two of them, the island is near 100 miles across and covered with ancient temperate forests. On the third, the island is half that size and mostly mountainous rocky desert.

The CatEarth Monster Island is located way out in the remote South Pacific and is the final home of the dogasaurs, those enormous ancient creatures that died out everywhere else 65 million years ago. The island, measuring 150 miles across and 225 miles long, is mostly a high plateau with forests and prairies. The lowlands surrounding that area are jungles and swamps.

Just to show that “monsters” are in the eye of the beholder, on 4 Zombie Earths, Monster Island is where they have contained the living humans that are so dangerous to zombie society. Oddly, this island would be New Zealand on our world.

On 3 Earths with superheroes, various Monster Islands are prisons for supervillains, killer robots, alien invaders and the like. One of these islands is Cuba, while the other two are volcanic islands in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

Finally, on one of the more or less historical worlds where the Age of Piracy is in full swing, Monster Island is located in the Carribean and is the clever hideout of Captain “Black Dan” O’Dell, his crew and their families. There are indeed monsters on this island, huge 15′ foot tall humanoids that look fierce, but are actually kindly vegetarians. Black Dan and his gang discovered them years ago and taught them how to garden, which they do mostly in the islands interior fields. From time to time, some of the monsters will roam the beaches where they can be seen by passing ships, thus scaring away anyone who is too nosy or looking for Black Dan.

The Doclopedia #429

The Alphabet, Again: M is for…Maximum Hank

In the post apocalyptic hell that is North America on Earth 115, the most dangerous man alive is the one called Maximum Hank. Riding a huge carnivorous mutant goat and armed to the teeth with everything from a battleaxe to a shotgun, he is feared by almost everyone.

Maximum Hank does sometimes help the oppressed, but he’s no hero. He expects payment of some sort and woe unto the person who tries to not pay up. It is said that a village once tried to not pay him, so he killed all of the men, enslaved the women for a year and taught the children to be just like him.

Maximum Hank stands 6’3” tall, has long brown hair, a muscular body covered in scars and usually wears chain mail over leather. His goat, Walter, is the size of a draft horse and seems to have a bionic eye.

A Duck Named Chuck Driving A Truck Loaned A Buck To Huck, Who Was Down On His Luck

…but Huck was a schmuck

The Doclopedia #427

The Alphabet, Again: L is for…Lirxorvizl

On the Earth where technology and magic hold equal sway, the insane god Lirxorvizl once tried to destroy all who did not worship him, which would have been pretty much everybody. Fortunately for the people of the world, he only had a chance to destroy about half of the populace of Cambodia before the goddess Feratimba, who was worshiped by about two billion people, smacked his ass down by turning him into a life size (and by life size, we mean 200 feet tall) statue made of ice. In the heat of the Cambodian summer, he still took a week to fully melt. Today, a beautiful statue (only 30 feet high) of Feratimba stands in the same spot and is visited by millions of people each year.

The Doclopedia #428

The Alphabet, Again: M is for…Marsupial Ape

The rare and little seen Marsupial Ape is found only on Mount Kilimanjaro, which in several alternate dimensions is glacier free and heavily forested almost to the summit. Smaller and lighter framed than gorillas, the apes are not true marsupials, but do indeed have a pouch that can hold a single baby for the first 4 months of its life. When not being used to hold young, the pouch is often used to hold fruit and other edibles. Both sexes have the pouch and take turns carrying the baby.

Males of the species are readily identifiable by the white stripe of fur that extends from the bridge of the nose to the nape of the neck. During the primary mating season, the males can also be identified by the exceptionally powerful musky odor they produce, a smell that stimulates the females into a state of high sexual arousal.

The social structure of Marsupial Apes is somewhere between gorillas & bonobos, with a bit less sex as a problem solver. Unlike most other great apes, their society is matriarchal, with males primarily providing protection and food to the females who run things. This may explain why female births outnumber male births 3 to 1.

This Blog Now Rated “G”

…nope, just fuckin’ with ya

The Doclopedia #425

The Alphabet, Again: L is for…Lortonium

First created by the internationally famous Mad Scientist Dantham Lorton during the summer of 1883, lortonium is the wonder metal of the Steam Age. Lighter than aluminum, yet stronger than steel, it resists corrosion and is almost non conductive of electricity, all of which make it perfect for building great airships, submarines and spacecraft. Despite being the most expensive metal alloy known to man, it is in such great demand that Lorton Labs in Western Australia has orders booked ahead for five years.

The Doclopedia #426

The Alphabet, Again: L is for…Lucky Lo

If you were a secret agent working in Hong Kong in the 1960s and you needed information, you went to Lucky Lo. Born and raised on the streets to poor parents, Lucky Lo is the leader of the Hong Kong Irregulars, a small army of street kids patterned after the Baker Street Irregulars of Sherlock Holmes fame. Since nobody ever pays attention to kids, they see and hear all manner of things and report back to Lucky and his core group of “information sifters”. Sooner or later, somebody…say, a dashing British secret agent or a steely eyed American private investigator…is willing to pay cash for the sifted and connected intel. Lucky then passes much of his profits back down the line to the Irregulars. In this way, everyone gets some money, life is made a bit easier and suave secret agents save a bit of time and energy, which they then pass on to sexy young women.

Doc Tempest And The Demon Of The Deep

…from the September, 1956 issue

The Doclopedia #423

The Alphabet, Again: K is for…King Magwon III

His Royal & Exalted Highness, King Magwon the Third, was the ruler of Izvonia from 1109 – 1140 NC (New Calendar), during which time he successfully drove all of the Goblins out of the country and opened up much new land for settlement. That alone would have ensured the love of his people and his place in history, but then he went on to lower taxes and establish public schools, both wildly popular programs. When he stepped down from the throne at age 60, the Izvonian people demanded that a 100 foot tall statue of him be erected outside the palace, where it stands to this day.

After handing the throne over to his daughter, Princess Silda, he spent his remaining years as an explorer, a public speaker and, finally, as a gentleman farmer. He died in the summer of 1202 at the age of 103.

The Doclopedia #424

The Alphabet, Again: K is for…Killer Vacation

Broadcast on the ABN network from September, 2015 to May, 2025, this reality program was exactly what the name implies, a deadly vacation in an exotic locale. The premise was simple: 12 couples would go to a resort, spend the first two weeks getting to know each other, then spend the next 10 weeks killing each other. Killing your partner was forbidden. The surviving couple, or merely the surviving two people, would then split $100,000.00 and be granted immunity from prosecution.

The competition had several very strict rules. First off was no firearms or poisons. Secondly, no killing was allowed between the hours of 10 PM and 8 AM. Third, you could only enlist the aid of the partner you came with. Finally, no animals or innocent people could be harmed. Victims of failed murder attempts would receive the best of medical care and, if they recovered before the season finale, could return to the game if they desired.

Each resort was in a remote location and surrounded by a half mile wide area where killings could also take place. Contestant were required to wear a micro camera during “killing hours”, so viewers could see their actions. During killing hours, the show hosts would hold games and competitions designed to get the couples spread out around the resort grounds. Winning these competitions would gain the contestants prizes ranging from knowledge of hidden weapons to immunity from being killed for 24 hours.

During the shows ten year run, the most popular form of murder was by blunt instrument, closely followed by stabbing and strangulation by hand or garrote. The least used method was electrocution, but that one instance did kill three people.

Killer Vacation was replaced in the ABN network lineup by Celebrity Fuck Off, which recently completed its seventh year as the number one rated show on television.

A Pot Full Of Hot Fun

…and it’s yummy, too

The Doclopedia #421

The Alphabet, Again: J is for…Jelly Sex

On Earth 15, back in the early 1970’s, there was a brief time when the sexually adventurous and the swingers took to having orgies in plastic lined rooms that held a huge pile, or in some cases several small piles, of jelly. Everybody would just sort of dive in naked and start screwing, all the while becoming covered in the sticky sweetness. It didn’t take long for people to realize that you had to use jelly, which has no seeds. Using anything else would cause some painful chafing. Orange marmalade was about as risky as you wanted to get.

Naturally, the jelly manufacturers loved this fad, even though they could not overtly advertise their products as good for sex. That didn’t matter though, because jelly sales spiked for about four months and they raked in millions.

Eventually, the fad faded away as swingers started gaining weight and getting sick of the taste of jelly. By 1974, jelly sex was a thing of the past, although to this day, teenagers “discover” the idea about once every decade.

The Doclopedia #422

The Alphabet, Again: J is for…John Dough

Of all the super heroes out there, John Dough is the strangest you’re likely to find. Originally, he was Kelvin Washington, a young man from Richmond, Virginia, who worked in a large industrial bakery. One day, as Kelvin was pushing a cartload of flour past the huge dough mixers, a secret government plane carrying toxic radioactive waste crashed into the bakery.

Kelvin, the flour and the toxic waste fell into the mixer full of water, which then turned on and started mixing. By the time emergency workers could shut it off, Kelvin had been transformed into a 9 foot tall humanoid being made of bread dough. The government tried to capture him, but Kelvin was too smart and powerful. He escaped and went out into the world with a new name: John Dough.

Being made of bread dough, John is pretty much impervious to damage by bullets, blades or blunt objects. He is also immune to all human diseases and poisons of all types. John is tremendously strong and can fire globs of sticky dough from his fingertips. Thanks to the toxic waste, he can also breath a cloud of nauseating gas and turn his skin rock hard.

John’s main weakness is fire, but only if applied evenly and for a prolonged time. Water makes him sticky, but does not otherwise hurt him.

John Dough is a rather solitary hero, but has been known to hang out with The Golden Cockroach and Lint Girl.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Squirrel Monkeys

…cute, but just another failed ripoff

WOOHOO! Two Doclopedia posts today, kids!

The Doclopedia #419

The Alphabet, Again:H is for…Horned Rat Oil

On several Earths where magic rules, the oil derived from the liver fat of the Horned Rat is a very valuable component in many potions and elixirs. It is also extremely expensive, since Horned Rats are solitary, live in extremely remote areas, are vicious fighters and possess a deadly poison in both their bite and horns. Additionally, a large Horned Rat can weigh 75 pounds and move with extraordinary speed. Most adventurers who have lived through one encounter with one of them will not want to have a second go of it. Still, with freshly killed Horned Rats going for as much as $10.00 a pound, there are plenty of hard up adventurers ready to go hunting them.

The Doclopedia #420

The Alphabet, Again: J is for…Jateer

Jateer is a city on Venus, just a few kilometers from the Venusian north pole. Unlike most of the planet, which is a steaming jungle, the areas near the poles are temperate and therefore preferred by humans. Jateer is primarily a spaceport, but does have healthy agricultural and tourism businesses. 860,000 people live there, most of them British Indians. The next largest nationality are Americans, followed by other Europeans, Chinese, Indians and Russian Jews.

Much of Jateer is underground, to maximize usable surface land, but there are also three half mile high towers that house nearly 400,000 people. A fourth tower is slated for construction starting in 1982.

Every May 3rd, the citizens of Jateer celebrate Landing Day, that day in 1897 when the First Royal Venusian Expeditionary Force landed on the planet just a few miles from where Jateer is today. There are food cook offs, plays, drinking contests and many other attractions and events. This all attracts as many as half a million visitors from around Venus and the rest of the Inner Solar System.

Barnacle Time!

…with Barnacle Bill

The Doclopedia #418

The Alphabet, Again: H is for…Holy Order Of The Laughing Mother

When this order of nuns was formed in the wilds of British Columbia in 1885, nobody took much notice. But when these jolly, joking, helpful and charitable sisters starting going out into the community to do their good works, the locals decided that they were fine folks indeed. After awhile, they were doing as much for the nuns as the nuns were doing for them, all the while laughing themselves sick. A century later, somebody would describe the order as practicing “stand up religion”.

Within a decade, the convent had tripled in size and had 30 members, so the Mother Superior decided it was time to branch out. She sent five nuns to Washington state, five to Manitoba and five to Wyoming to set up new convents. Soon, their numbers swelled as they merrily recruited everyone from rancher’s widows to soiled doves to women just looking for a fresh start. As their motto went “If doing the Lord’s work isn’t fun, we don’t know what is”.

You might have noticed that there has been no mention of any priests or Rome noticing or approving any of this. That would be because when Sister Merry Alice founded the order, she did it with her own money and the firm belief that “men, especially men of the cloth, just would not understand or approve, so they can just bugger off”. Sister Merry Alice did not mince words and neither did the nuns she recruited.

Around about 1905, they had convents in every state west of the Rockies and seven Canadian provinces. They were also popular, far more so than the regular Catholic churches in their areas. Much of that came from their humorous antics and charity, but it didn’t hurt that they never once asked for or expected a tithe. Oddly, this not asking resulted in them getting more donations of everything than their male counterparts.

By 1930, the sisters had begun to offer services like family planning and such. At that point, the Pope decided to sic some bishops on them to tell them they had to fall in line. This resulted in some pretty sharp words from the nuns, several ranting editorials from predominantly non-Catholic newspapers and in three cases, bishops being run out of town. All in all it was some pretty bad PR for the Church. Still, the Pope kept after the order until World War II broke out. After that, things got even worse for Rome.

See, by the late 30’s, the order had a few convents in the UK and Europe, including Germany. Seeing which way the Nazi wind was blowing, the nuns started smuggling Jews to safer places, which they did to the tune of about 75,000 people. By the time the Nazis marched into the German convent, all they found was a bunch of practical jokes (mostly buckets of water balanced on doors) and a rather pointed and rude critique of Herr Hitler.

But it wasn’t just the Jewish people who were loving these nuns, no sir. Women, Catholic and otherwise were huge supporters, as were people of color, the poor and everyone of good heart that loved a good joke. By the end of the war, the Vatican had lost the fight when the Order Of The Laughing Mother was named Time magazine’s People of the Year and then won a Nobel Peace Prize. By 1961, there were female priests and by 1987, female bishops. In 2008, the first female Pope was named.

She made her first public appearance wearing Groucho glasses with a fake nose.

Golden Crickets

…no relation to the Buddy Holly kind

The Doclopedia #417

The Alphabet, Again: H is for…H’riis

The H’riis are a really obnoxious alien race from the far side of the Milky Way. No, really, they truly are some of the biggest arseholes in the galaxy. Nobody likes them and we only do business with them because they control the market for Oomvertok Crystals. If not for that, they’d probably be totally ignored, or maybe just wiped out. Stay away from the H’riis if you possibly can.

Not In This Issue: Geese, Hawaiian Shirts Or Road Repair Warnings

…although we do regret the lack of geese

The Doclopedia #416

The Alphabet, Again: H is for…Hector The Selector

Hector the Selector, a name given to him by the newspapers of Miami, was a serial killer active in the Miami/Dade County area from April 14th to July 11th, 1977. He killed 10 people ranging in age from 18 to 76, each of which was dispatched by being dipped into a thick resin after being wrapped up with bandages mummy style. The resin hardened very quickly, suffocating the victim. Autopsies showed that each of the victims had ingested a very strong, but non-lethal, dose of sedative about an hour before they died. The bodies were then dumped in very public areas during the early hours of the morning.

It was not until victim 4 was identified that the police and FBI found the link between victims. It was discovered that each victim had gotten a letter in the mail a couple of days before they were killed, with each letter beginning with the phrase “Congratulations! You have been selected…” followed by something that might range from a new car to a large cash prize. The letter then instructed the victim to come alone to an office building or business to meet up with the sender, whose first name was always Hector. Once they went to meet him, they were never seen alive again.

By the time the police put out a warning to the public, the killer had taken two more lives. Within days, Miami was in panic mode and the warning were on every television & radio newscast and the front page of every paper. This did nothing to stop Hector, because he had moved his attacks to the more rural parts of the county. Three of his final victims did not own televisions and had not read a newspaper recently. The final victim had only just returned from out of state and was apparently met at his door by the killer, who had come to deliver the letter by hand.

After the 10th victim, the killings stopped and did not resume anywhere else. The case was left open, but there were no new leads for 20 years.

On April 14th, 1997, just days before his retirement, Chief Inspector Charlie Madrone received a letter that read…

“Congratulations! You have been selected to solve 10 murders! Just come to 2677 Brannley Road to collect. Feel free to bring all of your friends and don’t worry, the door is unlocked so you can come right on in.

Yours Truly,

Hector Grove”

When the police arrived at the home of Joseph P. Lang, a retired dentist whose wife of 45 years had died less than a month earlier, they found him in his near empty living room, wrapped in bandages and encased in hardened resin. The wrapping and dipping into and out of the resin had been accomplished using a rather sophisticated and expensive trio of industrial robots. On a small table near the bodies was a handwritten note that said…

“Back in 1976, got the idea for killing people this way, so I thought what the hell. Would have been much easier if I’d had the robots back then. Got bored after ten, so I stopped. Dumped all my equipment at an abandoned meth lab out in the Everglades, then torched it. After Jackie died, decided to give you all a break in the case. Had goddamn cancer anyway, so no big deal. Hope this helps everyone to get over it.

Joe Lang

PS: I just always liked the name Hector.”

Today’s Blog Is Presented In Wide Screen Blog-O-Vision

…with extra terrifying Post-O-Rama!

The Doclopedia #415

The Alphabet, Again: G is for…Ground Shaker

Ground Shakers are the 300 ton helltanks used by the Army of the Americas in their war against Asia United and the Second European Union for the liberation of Africa. These huge tanks, officially known as the H-3 Cybertank, are semi-autonomous and armed with the latest in anti-aircraft and anti-infantry weapons. Foremost among these are the V-666 Hellstorm missile, .80 caliber machine guns loaded with genius bullets, nanofog mines and gamma ray lasers.

These enormous machines are crewed by only three humans and nine MilBots. Survival rates for both humans and bots is a record breaking 75% and will no doubt insure victory for our brave warriors against both the vile Asians and the freedom hating eurotrash!

The Most Likely Radical, Yet Still All American, Story Of Mostly Purple Patty And The Vanishing Toaster

…co-starring her favorite teacher, Miss Bunwacker

The Doclopedia is BACK! Enjoy, Faithful Readers!

The Doclopedia #414

The Alphabet, Again: G is for…Golden Gate Bridge

Listen, kid, places have power! So do names, especially well known names. When you put them together, a well known place with a powerful name, you’ve got something a wizard can use, if he or she has the right stuff.

The Golden Gate Bridge is exactly one of those places, bet your ass on it. Think about it…iconic structure…very evocative name…one of the best known and most photographed places on earth…and millions of humans drive or walk across it every year. Yeah, that’s how a place builds power. Well, that and all of the suicides.

Oh yeah, sure, every time some poor soul takes the big dive, a good dose of their life force goes into the bridge. By now, for any wizard attuned to sensing arcane energy, that bridge is vibrating like a coked up hummingbird. Tapping into it though, that’s the tough part. Do it wrong and you’ll get blown to little sparkley bits of former wizard. That’s what happened to old Roy Landwell back in 1992, when he was thinking about making a power play on the Council. Looked like a damned Fourth of July celebration.

Now let’s talk about the power of a name like Emperor Norton.

I’m Back


That is the third time I have used that subject line. Each time has come after a hiatus following a dog’s death and I’m really hoping not to have that happen again for several years.

As always, we want to thank everybody for the kind words here, on Facebook and elsewhere. They really meant a lot to us.

Grace and I are getting along ok, for the most part. It will be a year or so before the hole in our hearts really begins to close, but we’ll get by.

Lucy and Sasha, being dogs and therefore much better able to handle these things than we mere humans, are doing well and getting much love.

In a few days (on the 7th) I go in for my shoulder surgery, that will put me offline again for at least 3-4 days. Before then, I hope to make up for lost time with a bunch of Doclopedia posts.

Again, thank you, everybody. Y’all rock.