Inventing Dangerous Shit For Fun & Profit

…sounds good to me

The Doclopedia #461

The Alphabet, Again: W is for…Wicked Sisterhood

NOTE: You can find out more about Andromeda Andropoulis here: )

The Wicked Sisterhood is a Victorian Era group of independently minded female criminals assembled by Andromeda Andropoulis, the greatest criminal mastermind of her day.

Andromeda (Andi Andi to her very close friends) met all of the women in her inner circle either while she was in boarding school or during her travels through Europe and the Americas. Each one of them is highly skilled in some field. Exactly when they began their sisterhood of crime is unknown, but in 1889 (when Andromeda would have been 26 years old) they killed Professor James Moriarty, the Napoleon of Crime and assumed control of his organization.

Few other solid facts about the Wicked Sisterhood are known, at least to the public. It is rumored that they have crossed paths with Sherlock Holmes, Doctor Tempest, Fu Manchu and that enigmatic man known only as “The Doctor”. A section of a report by Secret Service agents West and Gordon suggests that she had criminal activities going in the United States, Mexico and Canada going as early as 1884. It has never been established if she was in fact responsible for stopping the Ripper murders in 1888, but Sherlock Holmes thinks she did. Other unproven rumors include the one that says the sisterhood captured and holds alive both Dr, Henry Jekyll and the alleged “invisible man”, Jack Griffin, supposedly for use in scientific experiments.

The Wicked Sisterhood is extremely pro-women and has secretly funneled money to many charities that aid women and girls. The deaths of several prominent men who had violent tendencies towards women was definitely the work of sisterhood assassins, since notes saying as much were left on the bodies.

Per both Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Tempest, the inner circle of the Wicked Sisterhood is…

Andrea Andropoulis, criminal mastermind and financial genius

Pearl Dixon, master chemist specializing in poisons & venoms

Ana Pires, expert in politics and world affairs

Elizabeth Anne Brendelton, actress and cat burglar

Minoko, expert in art and art forgery

Lilia Komar, seductress and interrogation specialist

Katrina Volnova, spy and assassin

The exact size of the organization is unknown, but believed to be “on all continents except Antarctica” and number “in the tens of thousands”.

The Doclopedia #462

The Alphabet, Again: X is for…X Force 7 Ultra

X Force 7 Ultra is the name of a very popular Japanese animated series on Earth 65. It follows the exploits of a team of seven young people, each with only two super powers, who work for the Department of Scientific Intelligence. Each week they look into a different threat caused by mad scientists, aliens, supernatural creatures or other young superhumans. The episodes run one hour long and the series is in the sixth year of production.

The Doclopedia #463

The Alphabet, Again: X is for…Xoonoo

One day on Earth 3, a spatial anomaly opened up and Xoonoo stepped through it. Nine feet tall, stockily built and looking like a cross between a Samoan wrestler, a tiger and a teddy bear, it soon turned out that Xoonoo was harmless, friendly and had a very limited vocabulary. He is also, as the militaries of several countries have found out, virtually indestructible and impossible to imprison.

Xoonoo spends most of his time just wandering around looking at things. When he sees people, he smiles, smacks his chest with his fist and says “Xoonoo!” in his deep and pleasant voice. If he likes something, such as waffles, he laughs and says “ZiZi!”. If he does not like something, such as beer, he frowns, shakes his head and says “Mugumbo!” He calls both dogs and cats “Weefee”, refers to any sort of aircraft as “Omma” and calls all humans “Teemoo”. Once in a while, he’ll start singing in his native language. Such songs are always happy and have a catchy tune. They can also last up to three days.

On June 15th, 2003, the Warsennian Conquest Fleet went into orbit around Earth. When the Grand High General landed to ask humans if they would surrender rather than die, Xoonoo, moving at an incredible speed, killed the Grand High General and all of those in his party. Xoonoo then went onboard their landing shuttle and did something that caused the entire fleet to fly into the sun. He then emerged and beat the shuttle into a pile of junk. When he was done, he looked at it and the dead Warsennians, said “Mugumbo!” in a most emphatic manner, then walked off singing a merry tune.

As a reward, the citizens of Earth gave Xoonoo a pile of 402,000 waffles. It took him three days to eat them all. He declared them “ZiZi!”

Not In This Issue: Creamed Peas, Mayan Gold Or Dilbys

…we could have used that Mayan gold

The Doclopedia #459

The Alphabet, Again: W is for…Waldo Brothers

In 1972, Harold and Matt Waldo, two brothers from Rumskyville, Ohio, came into a bit of money ($15,000.00) and decided to use it to travel around the country investigating strange legends and stuff like that. Armed with two 16mm movie cameras, several still cameras, some cassette recorders and a bunch of other items they thought might be useful, they set out to find the truth. Traveling in their trusty 1955 Ford pickup, they were far more successful than anyone ever dreamed.

In the wilds of Northern California, they not only filmed an entire village of sasquatches, they got copious hair, skin, blood and fecal samples. This lead to scientists admitting that Bigfoot was indeed real.

In Virginia, they were able to first film, then later capture the Mothman. It turned out that Mothman was a mutated human, the first of many that the brothers would encounter.

It took 5 weeks investigation in Wisconsin, but Harold & Matt were finally able to catch the Beast of Bray Road. This was the first of five werewolves that they would catch over the next 30 years.

Outside Ely, Nevada, the team was able to film almost an hour of footage of a UFO landing and the crew getting out to do some sort of surveying. Twenty six well documented sightings later, the US Government was forced to admit that UFOs had been visiting Earth since at least 1,500 BC.

When the guys managed to catch, document and radio tag the Loch Ness Monster, they won a 2.5 million pound prize from a group of UK cryptid hunting groups.

During their long career, the Waldo brothers also recorded 148 ghosts, staked 23 vampires, managed to chase the Jersey Devil into a bank vault and proved that the Royal Family of Britain were NOT Reptoids, but the Rupert Murdoch Family WAS.

The Doclopedia #460

The Alphabet, Again: W is for…Weasel #22

When an explosion destroyed the ConGen laboratory outside Portland, Oregon, the only lab animal that survived was Weasel #22, a weasel that had been injected with growth hormones. Almost immediately, the six foot long mustelid killed and ate a homeless person. In three days time, Weasel #22 was 15 feet long and eating a couple of humans a day. By the end of a week, he was 30 feet long and killing dozens of humans every day, although he seldom ate more than 3 or 4 of them.

Portland was in a state of panic by the time the military was called in. It took the Army and Air Force another 4 days to find the weasel, who was then 45 feet long and terrifyingly fast. Eventually, they killed Weasel #22 with a combination of napalm and hand grenades. Estimates are that the weasel killed 457 people and caused nearly a billion dollars in damages.

Dr. Silkmelon Goes On Holiday And Discovers A Lost City

…as he is wont to do from time to time

The Doclopedia #457

The Alphabet, Again: V is for…Vibroman

When he was accidentally bathed in vibronic radiation from an exploding UFO, college student Leo Zenkner gained the ability to make all or parts of his body vibrate at and speed he chose. Among his powers were the jackhammer punch, the ability to walk through walls, being hard to recognize & near impossible to hold onto and superspeed. Being a comic book fan from way back, Leo naturally made a costume and started fighting crime, an occupation that he was very good at.

It should also be noted that Leo, who was quite good looking and never had much problem meeting women, soon became a sexual partner of legendary proportions. It is even said that a few women, having experienced Leo’s vibratory lovemaking, were never satisfied with another man.

The Doclopedia #458

The Alphabet, Again: V is for…Veggie Land

In the Tooniverse, there is an entire continent called Veggie Land that is inhabited by anthropomorphic vegetables & fruits. It’s a pretty happy and wacky place, much like 95% of the Tooniverse is.

The rulers of Veggie Land are King Kaleus and his wife, Queen Cabbagetta. Other famous inhabitants of the kingdom are the famous film directors, Steven Spinachberg and George Lettuce…daring female pilot Amelia Artichokehart…Newsman Walter Cornkhite…actresses Drew Raspberrymore and Dame Maggie Squash…science fiction writer Isaac Applemov and the rock groups Electric Light Orange, Led Zucchini. They Might Be Tomatoes and Bruce Stringbean & The E Street Band.

Certain other royalty rule some areas of Veggie Land. The most notorious is Baron Bananaslovsky, who often teams up with Count Von Rutabaga to try and take control of the kingdom. Meanwhile, in Grovania, Countess Cherry and her Fruit Force work to stop the Baron’s evil plans.

Recent popular books in Veggie Land include “Harry Pepper and the Goblet of Fertilizer”, “How Green Was My Onion”, “The Old Man and the Pea” and “Parsley & Me”. Popular movies are “Star Fruit Wars”, “Green Bean Lantern”, “The Bean Identity” and “You Only Bloom Twice”.

The Rare And Beautiful Red Backed Swamp Gnu Of Potawango Island

…they are a new gnu

The Doclopedia #454

The Alphabet, Again: U is for…UrZib Spice

UrZib spice is a very rare spice made from the dried flower petals of the Zib Rose, which only grows high up near the tree line in the Drinafus Mountains. The Zib Rose is a miniature rose with no more than a half dozen flowers per plant. Since each flower only has four petals, it takes quite a few plants to even gather a pound of petals. Add in the extreme danger from rock slides, the weather, ferocious beasts & Mountain Trolls and you can see why UrZib spice is expensive stuff.

UrZib spice is used in many gourmet dishes, including Moogrot Stew, Boiled Samki Fowl, Pleeves with Kolb Sauce and most famously, Stuffed and Fried Covico Fish.

The Doclopedia #455

The Alphabet, Again: U is for…Underwear Of Monster Detection

Some Wizards have a pretty twisted sense of humor. So it was with whatever Wizard created the Underwear of Monster Detection. The underwear, which adapts itself to fit any humanoid creature that wears it, looks just like an ordinary pair of boxer shorts. They are reportedly quite comfortable…until a monster is within 100 feet of the wearer, at which point they bunch up very tightly, creating a painful wedgie that last a full 30 seconds. Despite the discomfort, these magical undies are a much sought after item, as they have saved many lives with their advance warning.

The Doclopedia #456

The Alphabet, Again: V is for…Venusian Devil Women

On June 1, 1957, Independent American Films released “Rocket X To Venus”, a medium budget film about four astronauts landing on the planet Venus. The poor downtrodden Venusians were being ruled by the evil Venusian Devil Women, who were tall, beautiful, well built and evil. Naturally, with the help of the earthmen, the Venusians rose up in rebellion and drove the Devil Women into exile.

The film made a huge profit and it didn’t take a genius to see that the Devil Women were the reason why. Armed with this knowledge, the studio made three sequels, “Devil Women Of Mars”, “Attack Of The Devil Women” and “Return Of The Devil Women”. All of the pictures made money, but fan interest died out when surf movies became the rage.

In 1995, Zony Pictures released “Return Of The Venusian Devil Women”, which combined the plots of the first and fourth movies. It raked in $425 million at the box office. At least two sequels are expected.

One Little Kitten Fooled The Cops

…later, he got a half pound of salmon as a reward

The Doclopedia #451

The Alphabet, Again: T is for…Toads From Hell

First off, the giant toads that ravaged the English countryside in 1897 were not actually from Hell. They were from the laboratory of Doctor Hewitt Leverson, a mad scientist who specialized in biology. Never a big fan of Steam Age technology and what it was doing to the environment, the doctor decided to set loose some toads that he had treated with a miracle growth hormone. That would teach people a thing or two!

According to the notes found in his abandoned home, Leverson anticipated that the toads would stop growing at about the 100 pound size. In fact, the smallest toad killed by the army weighed 900 pounds. Most of the Toads from Hell, as the newspapers called them, weighed at least twice that much. The largest weighed 2,600 pounds and had eaten a farmer shortly before it was killed.

The toads rapidly spread out from Leverson’s lab and began mating. Incubation and growth took place at an accelerated rate and soon there were thousands of giant toads ravaging the countryside from Plymouth in the south to Nottingham in the north and from Canterbury in the east to Wales in the west. The military was called out to eradicate the monsters, which the did using both ground troops and airships, but it took several months, during which 372 people died. The losses to livestock and pets was staggering.

Even though the vast majority of giant toads were destroyed by the fall of 1897, there were still many that hibernated and caused trouble in 1898. In fact, giant toads were still being killed as late as June, 1920, when a 1,200 pounder was killed near Bath.

Dr. Leverson was never brought to justice for his crime and even managed to cause more trouble in 1914 with the release of several giant stoats into downtown London. Fortunately for the world, he appears to have been eaten by a giant house cat in 1919.

The Doclopedia #452

The Alphabet, Again: T is for…Twang, Arkansas

The tiny town of Twang, Arkansas, is one of those special places known as a Weirdness Magnet. That means that is something screwy is going to take place, it will probably take place there. A few examples…

On August 4, 1936, an alien spacecraft landed just outside town near the Baptist church. Three aliens got out of the craft and took the tires off of Reverend Miller’s 1930 Ford truck, then took off in their craft, tires and all. Mrs. Miller had to be treated for nerves and Hank Tatterfield, the local handyman took to drinking.

In the spring of 1943, all of the dead rose from the town cemetery. However, instead of attacking the living, most of them just sort of wandered around until they started falling apart a couple of days later. The rest wandered down to Crystal Creek and pretended to go fishing.

Sometime in 1957, Oggie Perd’s dog, Samson, learned how to talk and ride a bicycle. After talking to just about everybody in town, he stole Gary Falker’s new three speed bike and rode out of town, never to be seen again. This was fine by most folks, since Samson was “kinda uppity and maybe a Communist”.

Late in 1980, more aliens landed in the town square and totally disrupted the Thanksgiving Festival. After a few hours, they bought 5 berry pies from the Lady’s Auxiliary pie booth and then went back out into space.

On the 4th of July, 1991, Jed Norman and Evadell Price both vanished without a trace while everyone else was watching the watermelon seed spitting contest. This was not actually a weird happening, they just ran off together to California, where Jed’s cousin Emmett ran a body & fender shop.

The Doclopedia #453

The Alphabet, Again: U is for…Ugly Water

One of the worst acts of product tampering ever took place at the very exclusive “Perfection” resort on opening day. All of the rich and beautiful people were there and most of them at some point drank some “Heaven Water”, the latest fad in bottled water. What they did not know is that the water had been treated with a cocktail of mutagens and genetically modified DNA. 48 hours later, everybody who had even so much as sipped the water was horribly ugly. We’re talking really ugly here…like, even your mama wouldn’t love you ugly. Pork chop hanging on your neck before your dog will play with you ugly. U…G…L…Y…you ain’t got no alibi ugly.

Naturally, all of those ugly people sought out medical help from plastic surgeons. Nothing worked, because the tampered DNA was part of them now. Several of the formerly beautiful committed suicide and many others went into seclusion. Sales of bottled water pretty much stopped, especially when similar events in New York, Paris, Milan, Dubai and Tokyo occurred. The culprits behind these acts of terrorism were never captured.

The American Tweezer Collector’s Newsletter

…all of the latest rare tweezer news

The Doclopedia #448

The Alphabet, Again: S is for…Sleeping Dragon Of The Outback

“Well, mate, the name says it all, don’t it? It’s a great bloody dragon sleepin’ way out back of beyond and they reckon it’s been there for 5,000 years or better. Gets around 8 million tourists lookin’ at it every year. Worried? Me? Ah hell no! I reckon if it wakes up, it’ll be lookin’ to eat somethin’ besides a stringy old cattle rancher.” – Steve Walkins, rancher, Northern Territory

“The dragon was originally thought to be a mountain rising up from the desert. Of course, when Major Cooper and his expedition finally reached it in the spring of 1833, they found out exactly what it was. Naturally, when news of the dragon got out to the rest of the world, scientists, men of the cloth, mystics and general sightseers flocked here by the thousands. Fortunately, enough Royal Army troops arrived in time to keep most of them back a good distance. Most, but not all, which is why the Great Twitch of 1836 happened. After that, the Army presence increased tenfold and the strict shoot to kill order was put into place.” – Alec Halerton, professor, University of Perth

“The dragon is, as best we can measure it, 14.3 miles long from nose to tip of tail, with the tail making up 5 miles of that. The back, where covered by the folded wings, peaks at an altitude of 6,096 feet. From side to side, the chest area measures just shy of two miles across. The head is a mile long and not quite a half mile across from side to side at the widest point.: – informational sign at the Dragon Viewing Center, Northern Territory border

“Ok, this is what we know: It’s alive, it evolved right here on Earth, it’s very deeply asleep and it violates so many laws of physics and biology that it makes my head hurt to think about it. It’s been asleep on that spot for at least 5,000 years and the Aborigines tell us that it will wake up “soon”, but they’ve been saying that for nearly 200 years. What will happen when it does wake up? Well, consider the following: when that bunch of religious nuts tried to wake it in 1836 by blowing up 500 pounds of gunpowder near the right rear foot, it twitched that foot in annoyance twice, triggering earthquakes all around the South Pacific and Indian Oceans. The shockwave in Australia probably measured 5.5 or better. When the dragon very slightly adjusted it’s sleeping position in 1921, it caused a dust storm that covered the whole continent in a thin cloud of dust for three days and the shockwave caused a bunch more quakes as it traveled around the world. In 2003, a stomach gurgle was heard 150 miles away. Me, I don’t want to be anywhere near it when it wakes up.” – Brian Patterson, scientist, U.N. Dragon Observation Team

“Yeah, all of those allegedly mentally ill people who claim that they’ve shared dreams with the dragon? Well, I know for a fact that they aren’t all nuts. I worked at the facility in Perth where they take them and I know that they give the strongest “sedatives” to the people who are least likely to be crazy. And those drugs are mixed with something else, which might explain why those folks can’t remember shit about the dreams once they leave. You can bet your ass that those U.N. Doctors record every word those people tell them though…right up until that needle goes in. Huh? Oh, yeah, well, the basic theme of all the dreams is that the dragon is full of stored magic and when it awakens, all that magic is gonna come pouring back into the world. I guess you can see why the U.N. Wants to hush that up.” – Ms. X, lab tech, current location unknown

The Doclopedia #449

The Alphabet, Again: S is for… Science Dog

On Earth 190, where science (and SCIENCE!) rule, the most popular television show for small children is “Science Dog”, which stars Albert, the animated basset hound. Every episode, Albert and his friends explain some law of science or talk about some interesting scientific news. The ratings are huge and Science Dog will be starting a 25th season in 2003.

The Doclopedia #450

The Alphabet, Again: T is for…Tower Of The Mad Wizard

Tower of the Mad Wizard is adventure module TW-1 for the Mages & Mazes roleplaying game by RPGames. It was the 15th module produced by the company and is widely regarded as one of the best adventures ever written. Written for characters of Level 5 to 7, it features several new monsters, many cunning traps & puzzles and, of course, the titular mad wizard. Combined with Maze of the Mad Wizard (TW-2) and Death to the Mad Wizard (TW-3) it offers an average of 18 gaming sessions worth of play and ties in directly to the “Dark Forest” trilogy of adventures.

Hand Me That Frog, Melvin

…and then go wash your hands

The Doclopedia #445

The Alphabet, Again: R is for…Reversing The Polarity

It is flatly amazing how many times on hundreds of Earths and other worlds somebody has tried this to solve a problem. Don’t they realize that it either does not do anything or else it does exactly the wrong thing? Some examples…

On the Starship Enterpipes, the Chief Engineer once tried reversing the polarity of the warp coils in order to get the ship moving after an energy draining attack. Did it work? Hell no! What it did was blow the ship up, taking 34 other ships, 3 small moons and a medium sized gas giant with it.

While trying to stop a rampaging giant robot in 1937 Washington, DC, Professor Ajax Thoth tried reversing the polarity on it. This caused the robot to move three times as fast as it had been and start spewing out smaller robots every 15 minutes. By midnight that night, Washington was a smoking ruin and the robot army was heading for New York.

The great mystic Grigori Tarkoff, facing off against the supernatural creature known as Viryodalak, decided to “reverse the polarity of the mystic energies” and not only completely destroyed the creature and it’s home dimension, but reset the timeline of Earth 61 so that nobody with the last name Tarkoff ever existed.

So let that be a lesson, folks: NEVER REVERSE THE POLARITY!

The Doclopedia #446

The Alphabet, Again: R is for…Red Bear

From “Stories Of The Human Beings”, by Little Owl of the Fox Nation

“In our legends, Red Bear was the one who helped drive the white devils away. He was part man and part bear and he was very tall. Sometimes, he could look like all bear or all man. When he would roar, brave men would fall down and cry like children. When he used his claws to hit, they would leave marks in stone or even iron.”

“When he knew that the white devils had come to the lands of the east, Red Bear came down off of the great mountains and ran for many days to get there. On the way, he would stop at villages and tell them that they must not fight with other Human Beings, but join together to stop the white devils from taking the land and killing everyone. Everybody listened to him and spread the word to other villages.”

“When Red Bear reached the sea, he killed many of the white devils and destroyed their giant boats. He told the Human Beings to burn their bodies and all of their things. The fires burned for three days. Later, maybe two winters, more white devils came. By that time, there were many warriors there to meet them. All of the white devils were killed and burned with their belongings. This happened many times.”

“One day, after killing more white devils, Red Bear decided to go to their lands and teach them to stay way. He took 100 men and 100 bears with him and they were gone for many winters. After they came back, Red Bear said that the white devils would not bother us for maybe 50 winters. Then, he had the 100 men teach other Human Beings many things, like how to build giant boats and boomsticks and many other things. Red Bear and the 100 bears went away, but would come back many times to kill white devils.”

The Doclopedia #447

The Alphabet, Again: S is for…Sun Sing

On the Earth where magic first appeared in China, Sun Sing is the most notorious thief of them all, because he only steals from mighty Wizards and the Imperial family. While this has made him the most wanted man in all of China, it has also made him a legendary hero among the common folk. He never has to look far for a helping hand or a place to hide.

Sun Sing is 5’9” tall and very good looking. It is said that he could hide out from the very gods themselves just by staying with various girlfriends. He is light of frame and as nimble as you would expect a thief to be. It is also said that he is well versed in the use of a sword, which would explain why the tiger-man that guarded the home of the Wizard Hue Zheng was decapitated just before a thief made off with the enchanted Lotus Mirror.

The greatest talent Sun Sing possesses is that he himself is a Wizard of no small ability. In particular, he is a master of counterspells, which explains much of his success. Why he turned to thievery is unknown, but the rumors say that the great Wizards and the Emperor once brought shame to his family. If that is the case, Sun Sing is paying them back many times over.