Who Puts A Burglar Alarm On A Toilet Seat?

…I mean, that was just wrong!

HOLY SHIT! SIX Doclopedia entries! I reckon I’ve done my penance for not writing enough the past two days.

The Doclopedia #437

The Alphabet, Again: P is for…Panda-Man

If you ask most science fiction and fantasy fans where Furries are on the scale of fandom, they would most likely tell you “at the very bottom”, although a good case could also be made for Twilight Moms and people who really like the films of Michael Bay.

Still, when two of the most outspoken members of furry fandom got super powers, even the other furries agreed that it was the new definition of “bad idea”. On the one hand, you had Jacob Leshmann, AKA “Panda-Man”, who was by all accounts a whiner and master of passive aggression, and on the other hand you had Paul Henk,AKA “Dark Rabbit”, a loudmouthed know it all douchebag.

How they got super powers is a big hush hush secret that the NSA will kill you for knowing, but whatever it was, it happened on day three of the World Science Fiction Convention in Chicago and it pretty much drove furry fandom deep underground for a few years.

The story goes like this: Leshmann and Henk, in full costume, were arguing loudly over some bit of furry trivia when both of them started to glow. Next thing you know, the costumes were no longer costumes and they were both about 8 feet tall and they started duking it out. All over Chicago. For two days.

Panda-Man was superstrong, very tough, very fast and could fly. Dark Rabbit was not quite as strong, every bit as tough, quite a bit faster and could truly leap over a tall building with a single bound. If the two of them had just beat the crap out of each other in one spot, it would have been ok, since your average Chicagoan like watching a good fight, but they were knocking each other through buildings and houses and tearing up millions of dollars of real estate.

Calling the military in didn’t help much, since it is estimated that they did about 100 million in damage beyond the 3.5 billion that the two super furries did. In the end, it was a lucky punch by Panda-Man that ended the fight, knocking Dark Rabbit clean through the Chicago Tribune building and into an pair of Army tanks. Elated to have won his first fight ever, Leshmann had little time to bask in the glow of victory, since he had to fly away from incoming air support.

Today, Panda-Man pops up from time to time to help disaster victims, who appreciate it as long as he doesn’t speak much and stays downwind. What he does when he’s hiding out is anybody’s guess, but rumors in the furry community say that he never lacks for female furry companionship, something most of us would rather not think about.

Dark Rabbit escaped from the Army before he could be taken to some secret government lab. He stays hidden most of the time, but has popped up now and again to bedevil the U.S. government or publicly challenge Panda-Man to a rematch.

The Doclopedia #438

The Alphabet, Again: P is for…Pee

On our version of Earth, urine is pretty much the same among most mammals, but on other Earths, pee is not always something that just gets flushed down the loo.

For example, on a few magical Earths, some powerful magical creature, as well as certain old & powerful wizards, actually piss out magical pee. With only a bit of additives and processing, it can be used in all manner of potions and spells. Getting it is, as you can imagine, not so easy.

On a couple of post apocalyptic Earths, some mutants have highly corrosive pee. They often use this against better armed foes, so as to destroy weapons, armor and vehicles.

On all of the Dog and/or Cat Earths, pee can carries fairly complex messages to those who smell it. The residents of these worlds call it “pee mail”.

It will come as no surprise that dragon piss is both corrosive and highly flammable, but did you know that unicorn piss can heal even the most terrible of wounds, providing you can find a unicorn with a full bladder before you bleed to death.

On the planet Cevistra, the humanoid residents pee is rich in quadlithium, which all starships run on. This has pretty much lead to the job of most Cevistrans being “drink lots of water, take a big leak”.

Robots don’t pee, but most cyborgs do and it contains traces of everything from motor oil to burned out nanites to radiation.

Finally, with toons, it’s not so much what they pee, but how they pee. Due to the Toon Law of “Will It Get A Laugh?”, toon males (and some toon females), can often pee with enormous pressure that will send them flying around like a balloon letting out air. At other times, usually when time is of the essence, they can pee for an hour or better. Finally, toon urine is never ever the same color twice.

The Doclopedia #439

The Alphabet, Again: P is for…Panodian Hunter Witches

On the world of the Circle Sea, the island of Panodia is best avoided unless you have need of the famous Hunter Witches. These dangerous and powerful women can find any sentient or animal you set them after and will return them dead or alive, your choice. Of course, the hunt may take awhile and the price is very high (and not always completely payable in gold), but success is guaranteed.

Those thinking of going to Panodia should be advised that full payment is expected in advance. Anyone bothering the Hunter Witches without full payment on hand will never leave the island alive.

The Doclopedia #440

The Alphabet, Again: P is for…Porkachu

On some Earths, the annoying and seizure inducing little mascot of the “Pokemon” television series and movies was based on a pink pig, not a yellow rat thing. He was still just as annoying and for many parents, the words “Porkachu, I choose you!” meant “time for another glass of wine”.

The Doclopedia #441

The Alphabet, Again: Q is for…QuickSex

On Earth 95, life is busy busy BUSY! Nobody has time for long meals, reading books, sitting around doing nothing or all the time it takes to meet somebody for sex. Instead, the good people at Pleasure Corp. invented QuickSex! Just plug the QuickSex module into your auxiliary cranial port and you’ll be hooked up either to your regular sexual partner or a randomly chosen member of your favorite sex. Then, over the next 30 real time seconds, you’ll both enjoy an hour of hot computer generated mindsex. Just be sure to wear your Absorbitall Undies!

The Doclopedia #442

The Alphabet, Again: Q is for…Quigglesby

Francesca Quigglesby, usually known just by her last name, was the spy who broke all the rules for being a spy…but was also the greatest spy who ever lived. Where other female spies were slender, sexy, nimble and seductive, Quigglesby was tall, fat, mousy haired, average looking and not at all nimble. Oddly, this made her irresistible to most of the handsome & debonair male spies, a fact that she used to her great advantage and pleasure. It didn’t hurt that she was also a master of all firearms, a skilled street brawler, an expert driver and a genius in a couple of dozen fields.

Quigglesby retired after she engineered the fall of World Communism. She spent the next 40 years of her life as an author of mysteries and spy novels. She was always seen in the company of handsome and debonair men.

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