Hand Me That Frog, Melvin

…and then go wash your hands

The Doclopedia #445

The Alphabet, Again: R is for…Reversing The Polarity

It is flatly amazing how many times on hundreds of Earths and other worlds somebody has tried this to solve a problem. Don’t they realize that it either does not do anything or else it does exactly the wrong thing? Some examples…

On the Starship Enterpipes, the Chief Engineer once tried reversing the polarity of the warp coils in order to get the ship moving after an energy draining attack. Did it work? Hell no! What it did was blow the ship up, taking 34 other ships, 3 small moons and a medium sized gas giant with it.

While trying to stop a rampaging giant robot in 1937 Washington, DC, Professor Ajax Thoth tried reversing the polarity on it. This caused the robot to move three times as fast as it had been and start spewing out smaller robots every 15 minutes. By midnight that night, Washington was a smoking ruin and the robot army was heading for New York.

The great mystic Grigori Tarkoff, facing off against the supernatural creature known as Viryodalak, decided to “reverse the polarity of the mystic energies” and not only completely destroyed the creature and it’s home dimension, but reset the timeline of Earth 61 so that nobody with the last name Tarkoff ever existed.

So let that be a lesson, folks: NEVER REVERSE THE POLARITY!

The Doclopedia #446

The Alphabet, Again: R is for…Red Bear

From “Stories Of The Human Beings”, by Little Owl of the Fox Nation

“In our legends, Red Bear was the one who helped drive the white devils away. He was part man and part bear and he was very tall. Sometimes, he could look like all bear or all man. When he would roar, brave men would fall down and cry like children. When he used his claws to hit, they would leave marks in stone or even iron.”

“When he knew that the white devils had come to the lands of the east, Red Bear came down off of the great mountains and ran for many days to get there. On the way, he would stop at villages and tell them that they must not fight with other Human Beings, but join together to stop the white devils from taking the land and killing everyone. Everybody listened to him and spread the word to other villages.”

“When Red Bear reached the sea, he killed many of the white devils and destroyed their giant boats. He told the Human Beings to burn their bodies and all of their things. The fires burned for three days. Later, maybe two winters, more white devils came. By that time, there were many warriors there to meet them. All of the white devils were killed and burned with their belongings. This happened many times.”

“One day, after killing more white devils, Red Bear decided to go to their lands and teach them to stay way. He took 100 men and 100 bears with him and they were gone for many winters. After they came back, Red Bear said that the white devils would not bother us for maybe 50 winters. Then, he had the 100 men teach other Human Beings many things, like how to build giant boats and boomsticks and many other things. Red Bear and the 100 bears went away, but would come back many times to kill white devils.”

The Doclopedia #447

The Alphabet, Again: S is for…Sun Sing

On the Earth where magic first appeared in China, Sun Sing is the most notorious thief of them all, because he only steals from mighty Wizards and the Imperial family. While this has made him the most wanted man in all of China, it has also made him a legendary hero among the common folk. He never has to look far for a helping hand or a place to hide.

Sun Sing is 5’9” tall and very good looking. It is said that he could hide out from the very gods themselves just by staying with various girlfriends. He is light of frame and as nimble as you would expect a thief to be. It is also said that he is well versed in the use of a sword, which would explain why the tiger-man that guarded the home of the Wizard Hue Zheng was decapitated just before a thief made off with the enchanted Lotus Mirror.

The greatest talent Sun Sing possesses is that he himself is a Wizard of no small ability. In particular, he is a master of counterspells, which explains much of his success. Why he turned to thievery is unknown, but the rumors say that the great Wizards and the Emperor once brought shame to his family. If that is the case, Sun Sing is paying them back many times over.

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