This Week’s Episode: Gertie Sends Floyd To The Store

…to buy a ham

The Doclopedia # 489

Stuff You Need!: Dungeon Raider

1: Bravery and determination!

2: The Wizard’s Guild’s list of Class Three Wizards that have not yet raided a dungeon. These young practitioners of The Art are fully approved for use of spells up to 5th level and are surely an asset no adventuring party can do without.

3: Financial backing, because all of the equipment you’ll need is not cheap. Fortunately, the Wizard’s Guild has many members who are not only willing to finance a dungeon raid, but can offer extra incentives to explore certain dungeons and retrieve agreed upon items. Contract terms will vary from Wizard to Wizard and may require your signature in blood.

4: Either an experienced thief (cheap to hire, but somewhat untrustworthy) or a Dwarf engineer (expensive, but totally honorable and good in a fight) because those trapped doors, rooms, hallways and treasure chest won’t disarm themselves.

5: Some sort of healer. While various types of clerics have been popular in the past, the new “doctor/chemists” are becoming quite well received. The downside is that their forms of healing are not as fast as those of a cleric, nor do they fight nearly as well. The plus side is that they don’t need to meditate or pray and you don’t have to constantly hear about how great their god or goddess is.

6: Hirelings and/or henchmen, because you’ll need somebody to tote your equipment, prepare your meals and fall behind when you are running like hell away from some terrible monster.

Healing and resurrection potions, in case something happens to your healer.

The Doclopedia # 490

Stuff You Need!: Criminal Mastermind

1: A lair, hideout, sanctum, laboratory or general headquarters. Popular locations include islands, mountain tops, undersea cities, old subway tunnels, abandoned factories and lost cities in the jungle.

2: Good diction, for making long speeches and monologues while you have your archenemy tied up or trapped.

3: One of the following: a white cat, an eye patch, a facial scar, a missing hand replaced by a mechanical one, a mask, facial hair or a bum leg.

4: Hundreds of goons, thugs, mooks and lackies. Ability to shoot straight or fight hand to hand is optional.

5: A smokin’ hot girlfriend/mistress, with a preference for tight, sexy and/or minimal clothing.

6: A lethal assassin, hopefully with some physical flaw that makes him scarier ot tougher.

7: A plan for world domination and the device necessary to carry it out. Please be advised that nuclear weapons are so last century. The modern mastermind would do well to look into deadly viruses, nanotechnology or massive computer hacks.


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