The Story Of The Happy Little Boy

…he was happy because his dog told him Satan loved him

The Doclopedia #564

How To Murder…: A Cartoon Character

Well, good luck with that. We here at the FBI have kept records of attempted murders of toons since the Bureau was founded. We have thousands of them on the book and that doesn’t include anything appearing in cartoons. Despite what you’ve heard in that movie, in the real world, “dip” does not work, although a toon might act like it did to get a laugh. So far as we know, toons cannot be killed by any known method. However, we do post the following list on our website due to public interest.

Failed Attempts To Kill Toons (does not include common things like shooting, stabbing or poisoning)

Blown up by dynamite

Blown up by other explosives (including nuclear weapons)

Ground up in meat grinder

Dropped into molten lava/steel/etc.

Fed to various starving carnivores (including genetically revived dinosaurs)

Crushed by steamrollers/falling objects/landslides

Electrocution, either via man made device or lightning

Re-entry into Earth’s atmosphere from space

Dissolving in acid or alkaline solutions

Blasted by lasers

Freezing (to 3 degrees above Absolute Zero for a week)

Baking (up to 9,000 degrees for 24 hours)

Compression under enormous weight, then freezing, then immersion into acid

All known diseases

Insertion into a vacuum

Inflation to enormous size via high pressure air, then popping

Bitten by every known venomous creature

Liquefied in a blender

Imprisoned in solid steel, then dropped into the Challenger Deep

Shot with an experimental particle beam weapon

The 10 Things You Should Do Before Riding A Moose

…Number 1: Sober up!

The Doclopedia #563

How To Murder…: A Clockwork Woman

She was very, popular, Miss Lina Muller, the Clockwork Woman. People all over Europe, would flock to see her and hear her speak. She was declared a Marvel of Science and proof that the human imagination had no limits. Her father, Professor Rudolf Muller, was hailed as one of the Great Geniuses of Our Time.

So you can see that she was an abomination in the eyes of God. Only the machinations of Satan could move a man to place the living brain of his teenage daughter into a cold lifeless body of metal, rather than let her die naturally of her disease so that she might join the kingdom of heaven! I knew as soon as I heard about her that I must do God’s work and destroy her!

Naturally I spoke of this with other priests, but they would not discuss the matter and warned me that I was on dangerous ground. The fools! Of course I was on dangerous ground! One is ALWAYS on dangerous ground when on seeks to confront Satan!

Going higher up in the Church proved useless and I convinced me that most of the Church hierarchy have been corrupted by Science and the Forces of Hell. With a saddened heart, I knew I must walk this path alone, but hoped that the destruction of the metallic demon would cause my brethren to once more see the light.

Since the Clockwork Woman was almost always surrounded by a crowd when outdoors, I knew that I could get close to her. Yes, close enough to put an exploding bullet into her brain, close enough to send her soul to Heaven! I set about my planning, which was made much easier by the posted itinerary for her latest speaking tour. After deciding upon Rome itself as the place, I set about having a single shot handgun of large caliber made, along with a bullet designed to explode upon impact. While the gunsmith did his work, I traveled to Rome to get fully acquainted with the speaking hall and it’s environs. I decided that I would do the deed on the front steps, where she was sure to enter.

For the next 12 days I spent most of my time praying for Holy Guidance, that my aim would be true and that I would live long enough for a trial, that I might make people see that Satan was behind this great fascination with things scientific.

When the day came, it was as though Our Lord had made the way easy for me, which of course he had. I walked up the steps with hundreds of others and kept edging closer until she was no more than six feet from me. Her face was that of an innocent girl, but made of cold metal. I said a prayer, drew my gun and fired.

The sound was deafening, but that mattered little as I saw her head explode in a thousand pieces. At that moment, I felt the Power of God flowing through me. I had dealt the Evil One a powerful blow and surely his Demons were howling in terror!

I never felt the blow that knocked me out, but my head was throbbing when I woke up here. I’m told that I was barely saved from the crowd, who would have torn me to bits. Perhaps that would have been better.

You see, they all came to see me, to question me and speak to me. First came the police, then government agents from several countries, then doctors of both the mind and body, then a group from the Vatican itself. It went on for days, the questioning. It seems that the exploding head of the Clockwork Woman killed three other people and injured five more. I told them that those people would be in Heaven now, along with Lina Muller.

Then, this morning, I was visited by Professor Muller himself. He stood staring at me for several minutes, then called outside the cell for someone to enter. That is when I started screaming, which I did for many hours until my voice was gone.

He had called for Lina, his daughter, and she entered the cell with a new head that had more mobile features than the old one. She explained to me that in it’s nearly indestructible case, her brain was too large to fit into the head of the clockwork body, so her father had placed it into the chest instead. The shooting was unfortunate, she told me, but they had only been a few days away from finishing the new head, so it was a minor inconvenience. She told me she would pray for my soul, then left with her father.

The Vatican emissary came in next and told me that I had been judged too insane for a trial and would spend the rest of my life locked up here, to be supervised by Clockwork Men & Women. He told me that I should pray for my soul, but I know it is too late, for I am already in Hell.

Danger Filled Doughnuts!

…it’s a sweet & creamy form of peril

The Doclopedia #562

How To Murder…: A Hero

If you’re thinking that heroes must be damned hard to kill, you’re right, buddy. Not that it can’t be done, mind you, but it takes a whole lot of prep and planning. As an example, let’s take a look at the death of Captain Hercules, that globe trotting adventurer who unfortunately made one too many enemies.

Now, Captain Hercules was a tough customer. Over the 25 years he’d been active, he’d been shot, stabbed, beaten, blown up, set on fire, frozen, bitten by poisonous critters, hit by speeding cars, tossed off of cliffs, electrocuted and mauled by several large animals, all without killing him. Scars? Oh hell yes! Death? Not so much.

But ’round about the time Cap turned 43, he was slowing down a bit, as we all do. Sure, he was still the equal of many men half his age, but he wasn’t the man he used to be. This fact did not go unnoticed by the criminal mastermind known as The Terror. See, for the better part of four years, Cap and his gang had been stopping various nefarious schemes of The Terror and the mastermind was getting pretty pissed off about it. The icing on the cake had come when Cap had not only stopped The Terror from stealing 50 million bucks, but had killed 75% of his henchmen and expose him to a rare disease that was slowly killing him and had no cure.

Figuring he had nothing to lose, The Terror spent every penny he had to put bombs all over the city. He put ’em everywhere: schools, hospitals, police stations, department stores, all over. Then he commandeered a radio station to tell Cap that if he didn’t meet him alone, face to face, on Freedom Island out in the bay, the city would go boom.

Naturally, Cap went out unarmed to meet him on the island, because that’s what heroes do. Then the bombs went off anyway because The Terror was an evil son of a bitch who was very near death. When Cap heard the explosions, he turned towards the city in disbelief, giving The Terror enough time to shoot him three times in the upper back and head. Cap fell down, deader than hell. The Terror started laughing, but that brought on a heart attack to his weakened body and he fell down and died.

So that’s one way to kill a hero, but I wouldn’t advise trying it again. See, after that, even the most purehearted heroes adopted a “Kill the villain, just to be safe” policy.

Bean Planting For The Total Idiot

…First Step: find a bean.

 

The Doclopedia #561

How To Murder…: A Wizard

The main problem with trying to do a hit on a Wizard is that they have about a hundred ways to set up a warning system. Magical wards that make noise as you pass them, enchanted barriers that can detect homicidal intent, familiars that look pretty much like ordinary animals, spirit security guards, friggin’ demon hounds as watchdogs…yeah, just getting close enough to a Wizard to kill him or her is one of the diciest parts of the deal.

Now, some of you might think “OK, so just hit them with some sort of long range attack”. Well, you’d better have an attack that moves really fast and hits really hard and can get through at least two layers of magical protection, or the last thing you’ll ever see is a fireball or a deadly swarm of hellsquitos or a bolt of pure energy. Wizards don’t like being attacked.

Poison him? Are you kidding? Wizards don’t even swallow their own spit without a Purification spell. Same goes for sex, as any high class courtesan can tell you.

So how do you kill a wizard? The surest way anybody has found is by stealing all of his mana energy right before a deadly attack by somebody or something too powerful for just his wands or rings to deal with. Demons and dragons are good for that, but so is a horde of bloodlusting goblins or a bunch of zombies. Then, if the attacker doesn’t look like it’s going to kill him, you can put an arrow through his head. I prefer a nice cold iron arrowhead for taking down a Wizard. And be damned sure you kill him before he can get off a death curse, or you’ll get turned into a maggot or break out in exploding boils or something even worse!

The Midnight Creeper & The Midnight Rider Meet The Midnight Rambler on the Midnight Special

…do I need to tell you what time it was?

 

The Doclopedia #559

Calling All Frogs: The Terrible Treefrog

When you think about it, it’s kind of funny that a 4′ 10” wiry framed little super villain called The Terrible Treefrog would be one of the most successful villains of all. Many villains were larger and more powerful. A goodly number were smarter and had fancy bases and plenty of mad inventions. Almost all were more dangerous.

And perhaps that’s exactly why The Terrible Treefrog was the one to get away with so much: No great world conquering plans, no look or attitude that attracted too much attention and no desire to try and kick some superheroes ass. All The Terrible Treefrog wanted was a big pile of money.

The true identity of this amazing little criminal was Amanda Mercado, a high school senior from a small town 75 miles from Miami, Florida. About the time she hit puberty, Amanda found that she could leap over 50 feet from a standing start, cling to walls, see very well in the dark, dive deep into water and stay under for up to 20 minutes and, lastly, emit a high pitched croak that could shatter glass and stun living creatures.

At first, the young lady could only think of herself as a freak, but after awhile it dawned on her that she might be able to use these powers to make some money. Not in any way that would make it known that she was a freak, of course, so maybe…something illegal? Always a skilled seamstress, she made up a green and brown costume with just enough padding to hide her boobs and then drove her old beater of a hand me down car into Miami.

Once in the city, she suited up and went looking for a place or person to rob. It was late at night and she was well hidden when she saw the jewelry store. Figuring that diamonds probably were a girl’s best friend, she gathered up her courage and croaked. The windows in that store and a half dozen others shattered. Oops! In seconds, she was in the store scooping jewelry into a small bag. Just as she was leaving, the cops arrived. They tried to get her to stop, but she just jumped away too fast to get shot. 

Within about a week, Amanda learned that expensive jewelry is really difficult to turn into money if you’re a teenage girl with no criminal past. So, about three weeks after her first appearance (after which a newspaper reporter had given her the nickname “Treefrog”), she went back into Miami just before it was time for the banks to close. Having practiced her croaking, jumping and acrobatics, she was in the bank and had almost everybody inside it stunned within a few seconds. It took her less than two minutes to gather up a hundred thousand dollars in cash. Once again, as she was leaving, she encountered the police. Once again, she got away unharmed, but not before she croaked out “Beware The Terrible Treefrog!” in a gravelly voice that everybody heard for a hundred yards around.

During the next couple of years, Amanda robbed banks, armored cars and a couple of casinos. She encountered only a couple of superheroes. One of them was an older fellow named “The Racer”, who could run very fast, but had lost much of his stamina to old age. Three times she outmaneuvered him, until he finally tripped and broke his leg. Another hero was much younger, totally hunky, very strong and, Amanda soon found out, not all that bright. Each time they met, she outsmarted him, including one meeting where she tricked him into a bank vault, then shut and locked the door.

When she had about a five million dollar bankroll, Amanda gave up her life of crime and went to college, where she majored in criminal science and got a PhD. She now works for the FBI out of Los Angeles and lives very comfortably off of her “lucky investments”.

Recently though, criminals in the City of Angels have been getting their asses handed to them by a new superhero who calls herself “Jumping Spider”.

The Doclopedia #560

Calling All Frogs: The Great Frog Panic Of 1962

It was late July of 1962 and Jimmy Joe Barks and his cousin, Mervy Runch had a secret: over the past couple of months, they had caught and collected over 300 frogs of all sized! They had little spring peepers, leopard frogs and big old bullfrogs. They kept them on jars and a couple of old bathtubs covered with screen and even in that leaky 50 gallon aquarium old man Hunkle had thrown away. They fed them bugs and flies and the frogs did really well.

Now, you might be asking, just why did these two eleven year olds gather up so many frogs? Money? A love of nature? Frog leg dinner? Heck no! They gathered them up to turn loose at the Founder’s Day Dance & Party!

So, on the final Saturday night of July, around about 7:15, just as the spaghetti dinner was winding down and Joey and the Boppers were tuning up for the dance, the boys struck. After lugging all of those frogs to the back door of the Community Center, they turned them loose. Happy to be freed from the sacks and jars that has imprisoned them, the amphibians swarmed into the party.

The first persons to see them were Jimmy Joe’s Aunt Delia and her friend, Mrs. Cable. Now, both of these ladies had a big fear of anything creepy crawly, so when they saw the frogs while carrying a couple of bowls of leftover spaghetti back to the kitchen, they screamed like Satan was standing there and threw spaghetti all over the place.

Racing to see what the screaming was about, Butch Groves slipped on a meatball and slid right into a group of local farmers. Now, Butch weighs in at about 340 pounds on a 6’4” frame, so he bowled them right over.

While they were getting untangled, a huge bullfrog hopped right into the middle of a bunch of teenage girls, sending them running and screaming in all directions. At the other end of the hall, several older folks thought the screaming was “some rock & roll thing”, so they started yelling for the girls to shut up.

When about four leopard frogs jumped into the punch bowl, Hazel Owens freaked out and spilled a plate of mostly spaghetti sauce on her bosom. Staggering away, so as not to slip on spilled punch, she looked as though she’s been stabbed, which caused her mother (a very rotund woman) to faint dead away. Unfortunately, she fell on Reverend Mokely and some folks took that to mean she’d been shot.

By now, about half of the 300 people in the Community Center were panicking and the rest were just encountering the frogs. Old Man Tadwell started yelling, which caused his three big old coonhounds to come running in from outside, which only made the whole situation worse.

After just a few minutes, the Sheriff came in and almost immediately got knocked on his can by the Frolich brothers as they were running out the door. Over on the bandstand, one of the coonhounds knocked the bass player into the drums, while another bumped into an amplifier, turning the volume all the way up and causing a hell of a feedback loop.

Eventually, everybody was running and screaming and yelling and it took all three deputies, six firemen and the Sheriff to finally calm things down. The dance was, of course, canceled and the doctors over at the clinic gave out about a years worth of sedatives. There were three broken noses, four twisted ankles, three sprained backs and dozens of assorted lesser injuries. Some folks developed a fear of frogs that lasted for years.

The next day, Jimmy Joe and Mervy agreed that their prank had been a big success. A couple of days after that, they began trying to figure out how they could safely catch a few skunks to turn loose over at the high school’s Christmas Ball come December.

Return Of The Sweet Smelling Bitches

…they be woofin’, I be lovin’

 

The Doclopedia #556

 Calling All Frogs: Braised Giant Frog With Jeevoo Sauce

 Naturally, you want a fully mature male Yellow Legged Giant Frog of the Quoo Lake region. The females are, of course, unclean and the Red Legged Giant Frog is fit food only slaves and the Unenlightened. Assuming it will weigh about 400 pounds, you’ll need a blessed Pwelook braising pot and four yikki stones to place beneath the frog. Make sure the yikki stones have been twice blessed by a priest of Nerlok.

Now, gently kill the frog with a jegknife to the brain, then have your slaves place it in the pot. Say the Prayer of Tenderizing while turning in a full circle three times. Then you, not a slave, must pour 7 gallons of water from your skwell cistern. Never use water from a well or a tap or you will be torn apart by the demonic qurfbeasts of Mighty Caporvis.

Once the water has been added, season it with three pounds of finely chopped huustok, a pound of weej, half a pound each of triff, booloo berries and zet. If you are especially in need of spiritual cleansing, you may also add a quarter pound of samasodo melon.

You may now have your slaves place the lid on the Pwelook pot while you invoke the Watchful Eye of the Great Molurex. Having done this, you should set your oven to a moderate temperature and have your slaves place the pot into it.

Now go to your five cornered prayer room and repeat the Lengthy Pray to Gotloth five times, facing each corner in turn. After this, remove your clothing and order your slaves to coat you in Yurb fat, then cleanse you fully inside and out.

Wait for 5 more hours, then have your slaves remove the pot from the oven. Immediately offer up a plate full of smoked viskfish to your Kitchen God, then have your slaves remove the pot lid. Say the Quick Prayer of the Dilve Hunter, then add a one pond mix of ifulo root and deshki apples that have been marinated in jeevoo extract to the pot. Wait another 20 minutes. During this time, you must be doing the Dance of Strong Appetite and chewing a half ounce piece of sarf skin.

You may now have your slaves carry the pot to the table and you may serve your guests. If any of them fail to make the Sign of Jerb with their left hand, order your slaves to beat them senseless.

After the meal, you and your guests should drink woolifi tea and say the Third Prayer of Sinful Regret. 

The Doclopedia #557

Calling All Frogs: Frog Cops

Frog Cops was an animated television series for children that came out in 1980 and ran until 1984. There was nothing in the slightest about it to distinguish it from any of the other Saturday morning cartoons except for the fact that the “Singing Burglar”, a recurring character, featured the voice of Artis Milinakis, the young Greek immigrant who would go on to become the best selling solo singer of the 1990’s. Once he hit it big, the entire series was released on DVD with several outtakes of his singing reworked into the “Singing Burglar” stories.

The Doclopedia #558

Calling All Frogs: Were-frogs

Oh, so you laugh at the idea of a were-frog, eh? Well you won’t be laughing when, in full frog form, it up and swallows your little dwarf there, or when it goes to manfrog form and hits you with it’s claws, then jumps away before you can hit it. Magic? Were-frogs are more magic resistant than even a were-bear, buddy!

No sir, if you really want to hurt a were-frog, you’ve gotta hit ’em with fire, and lots of it! Arrows, fired from about medium range are a damned good idea, too. For close in, go with a hammer or mace or club, because edged weapons have a hard time cuttin’ through their hide.

Where do they live? Well, always near water and you can tell sometimes who they are in human form because they’ll bath a lot. Like, 2-3 times a day! Farther north you go, fewer were-frogs you’ll find, but down around the Steaming Coast they’ll be thicker than fleas on a dog’s back.

Now if you’ll buy me another mug of wine, I’ll tell you why you never want to poke a troll with a sharp stick.”

The Rare And Beautiful Blue Stinking Poppies Of Potawango Island

…breathtakingly beautiful, but WHEW!

 

The Doclopedia #555

Calling All Frogs: Sewer Frogs

In one of the many steampunk universes, a group of young genius criminals/heroes operate out of the Old Sewers of 1902 Paris. The Old Sewers were abandoned when the new, steam pump driven sewer system went into use. There are miles of Old Sewer tunnels now that are mostly used for storm drainage. Mostly, but not all.

The Sewer Frogs, whose name is meant to infuriate both the French and British establishments (although for different reasons), have established laboratories, living quarters and other areas in the Old Sewers as well as basements and abandoned buildings. They also have an installation in London that is similarly set up.

From time to time, the Sewer Frogs emerge into the light of day (or dark of night) with some sort of Infernal Device and a plan to stir things up with the government and the bourgeoisie. In recent months, this has included coating the financial district in a near impenetrable gel that dissolved after 5 days and releasing “flying robotic farting birds” into the skies above London. The Sewer Frogs also steal from the rich and give to the poor. That and the fact that they provide medical attention and plenty of humor via their tweaking of the government nose means that not too many ordinary folks seem to know anything when the police come around with questions

The Sewer Frogs all dress exactly alike when out in public: Green pants and shirt, black shoes and gloves and a green head covering mask with a black frog design on the forehead.

Madness Takes It’s Tollhouse Cookie

… Mmmm, madness cookies!

The Doclopedia #553

Calling All Frogs: Chameleon Frogs

These small (4 inch long) frogs are native to the forests of Simdolis, which are located in the far west of the Greenwood. They are very common to this area, but due to their magical chameleonic powers, seldom seen.

Chameleon Frogs cam not only mimic the colors and pattern of whatever they are on, but the texture as well. Many a traveler has put their hand on a tree, only to pull it away in shock because the rough bark was cool, damp and moving. Chameleon Frogs have even been known to mimic other creatures, particularly the deadly poisonous Land Urchin.

One of the few predators that can catch and eat Chameleon Frogs is the Big Nosed Shrew, which can smell the frogs and does not need to see them.

 Commercially, Chameleon Frogs have little value, even to potion makers.

The Doclopedia #554

Calling All Frogs: Flora & Fanny Frog

Flora & Fanny Frog are not only international cartoon stars, they are pillars of the community in Toonville. They are very active in charity work, civic improvement (always needed in a toon city) and toon rights. They are much beloved by their fellow toons, who hardly ever drop pianos on them.

Florinda and Fantasia Frogowitz were born May 12, 1922 in New York City, to a showbiz family. Their father and his brothers were a popular vaudeville act, the “Four Frogs” and their mother’s family were noted amphibian actors. When the girls hit the age of 10, they packed their bags and headed out to Hollywood, where they signed on with the Flusher Brothers Studio.

Over the course of their 50 year career, Flora & Fanny starred in 130 cartoons and guest starred in 40 more. They made three feature length films, winning Best Animated Actresses in 1951 for “London Frog”. They also made nearly 200 television appearances.

In 1978, they got a star on the Toonville Walk of Fame. 

Mr. Porkwaffle Wrestles A Very Large Lizard

…Lizard: 1, Porkwaffle: 0

The Doclopedia #551

Calling All Frogs: The Great Frog Of Goognor

Goognor is a small and mostly swampy kingdom. Those who live there are small and thin by human standards. They live in many simple villages on the islands in the swamps. In general, no other country would give a dragon’s fart about Groognor if it weren’t for the fact that it is home to the greatest density of Manastones on the planet. Now, you might wonder why some other country has not conquered Groognor in order to corner the market on the valuable sources of magical power. The answer is simple: The Great Frog won’t let them.

The Great Frog is an enormous monster that the Groognorians worship as a living god, and with good reason, since it has magical powers of the very highest order. With one croak, the Great Frog can call down a rain of fire onto anyone attacking his people. If fire doesn’t work, he can raise up an army of mud golems, terrible tornadoes, zombify the dead or any number of terrible spells. It has been 230 years since Groognor was last attacked.

So, protected by their 20 ton green and yellow amphibian god, the Groognorians trade Manastones for many imported items, but mostly for herds of cattle to keep The Great Frog well fed.

The Doclopedia #552

Calling All Frogs: Frog People From Outer Space!

If you had taken a poll in the fall of 2009 and asked viewers in the United States what they thought of a television series called “Frog People From Outer Space!”, most would have said “No way will I watch that.” The truth is, for the first three weeks, nobody did watch it. It was a ratings disaster…until clips from it began popping up on YourTubes. By the fifth episode, the show had jumped up 30 places in the ratings. By the eighth episode, it was the number one show on television.

The premise was disarmingly simple: several groups of science fiction nerds around the world get together and decide to fake an alien invasion of Earth using the internet, cellphone videos, phone calls to various authorities and people dressed up in costumes. Within a week of the first few posts, crackpots and loonies around the world take the idea and run with it, believing it all to be real. Soon, enough normal people (including several heads of state and military leaders) have seen the frog people to make the nightly news. From there, things only snowball.

The series was very funny and used every trick from satire to slapstick to get a laugh. There were many famous guest stars, including Vice President Barack Obama and physicist Stephen Hawking, whose response upon seeing a frog person face to face…”oh shit!”…is widely regarded as one of the biggest laughs in the entire series.

The series won tons of awards and ran exactly four seasons, which is what the creators planned on. The last episode revealed that actual aliens were planning to invade Earth, but ran off in fear of the mysterious frog people.

Lucy Gets A Hamburger!

…because it’s her birthday!

 

The Doclopedia #549

The Colors: Brown

On June 3rd, 2002, all of the totally brown cows in the world went on a killing rampage against humans and other cattle. They seem to have developed vastly increased intelligence, telepathic powers that allowed them to stun large numbers of their prey at once, extraordinary toughness and the ability to speak. The latter ability was mostly limited to their saying “How now, motherfuckers!”

Eventually, they were defeated, but at a terrible cost to humankind, who had to use chemical weapons that killed hundreds of millions of people. Afterwards, by international law, cattle could only be bread in black, white or red coat colors. Even so, most people are either terribly afraid of cattle or very respectful of them.

Nobody eats beef any more.

The Doclopedia #550

The Colors: White

White Blobs are one of the very few blobs, oozes, slimes or jellies that are not dangerous to other living creatures, metals or magic. White Blobs live in temperate climates, mostly in forests or lightly wooded areas. The are exclusively consumers of dead plant matter, including leaves, grasses, dead flowers and small branches or vines. They excrete a top quality compost and are in big demand by gardeners and orchardists.

White Blobs seem to have some intelligence, with the Wizard Skliv Sklivornik saying that he would rate them “at the level of a somewhat dim dog”. As with all of the formless lifeforms, they reproduce fission, splitting into two complete creatures about 3 or 4 times a year.

White Blobs are a nutritious, if somewhat disgusting, food source and many creatures prey on them.

The Astounding Adventures Of Doctor Tempest In The Land Of The Mammoths

… from the February, 1888 issue

The Doclopedia #547

The Colors: Grey

The Grey Army of Baron Drogarsky made it’s first move for domination of Europe in the spring of 1892, using armored troops riding on the massive Steam Powered Walkers and the giant Trackless Locomotives. The latter were particularly horrifying, since they both looked and moved like enormous snakes, crushing everything in their paths and spewing gunfire and flames. Later came the Grey Dragon Airships that bombed major cities into ruins.

Unfortunately for Drogarsky his ranks had been infiltrated by spies from Great Britain, the United States and Germany, who caused much trouble from within. He also did not count on the French developing the Sonic Stunner, which they mounted beneath several of their own airships. By the winter of 1892, the Grey Army was in ruins.

Unfortunately, Drogarsky escaped and his whereabouts are unknown at this time. 

The Doclopedia #548

The Colors: Pink

The Pink Banana was one of the most famous places for music in all of San Francisco. It had been Mulroney’s Bar from 1908 until 1964, when it closed down after a fire. In 1966, it was bought by brothers Allen and Caleb Paltz, who expanded it and began booking local music acts. By the First Summer of Love in 1967, it was attracting national and international musicians. All of the greats played there early in their careers. Many, such as Jefferson Railroad, Quicksilver Grape, The Mamapapas and the Janis Hannibal were signed to recording contracts after appearing at the Pink Banana. It and several businesses near it became a big center for hippie culture.

After the Fifth Summer of Love, in 1971, the hippie scene faded away, but the Pink Banana kept going strong for another ten years. Sadly, it was destroyed in the Great Earthquake of 1981 and was not rebuilt. Instead, a park centered on a huge steel pink banana surrounded by a wall commemorating all of the musicians who played there was built on it’s place. Every year, a week of outdoor live concerts is held there.

The Funky Chickens Go To Hollywood

…where the refused roles in “Battleship”

 

The Doclopedia #545

The Colors: Purple

The Purple Woman is one of the most intriguing things in all of paranormal research. The way she can fade into and out of view suggests that she might be a ghost, but her very definitely human physiology suggests that she might be some form of mutant human. Of course, the UFOlogists are convinced she is an alien or, perhaps, some secret project using captured alien technology.

Regardless of what she is, this nude, 6 foot tall female appears 3-5 times a year in various locations around the world, usually in areas of low population density. She can appear during the day or night and she never speaks. She has aided people in trouble and chased people away from certain areas, but most often she just wanders around. All attempts to communicate, capture or even touch her have failed so far.

The Doclopedia #546

The Colors: Orange

I’ll tell ya what I know of the Orange Dragon, lads, and I hope it helps you when ya go huntin’ it. First off, it’s big, but nowhere near as big as one of yer Red or Black Dragons. I’d reckon it measures 60-70 feet long. It’s not a flyer, but it can run faster than the best horse and turn on a dime. And leap? Hellfire can it leap! 100 feet easy! So as you can imagine, it ain’t just gonna stand there and fight you.

 Now, yer Orange Dragon doesn’t breath fire or spit acid, but it can breath out a cold fog that’ll chill ya to the bone in under a minute, so beware of that. Of course, if it bites ya…even a little nip…you’ll be in agony for hours, if it doesn’t just kill ya.

Best way to fight it? Arrows and magic, sure enough, but ya need some sword swingin’ up close fighters to keep it distracted at first. Have yer archers aim for the hindquarters and front shoulders, so as to stop that leapin’ and slow it down. Mages ought to hit it with confusion spells and maybe a few lightning bolts.

Well, fellers, I hope that helps ye. Good luck and if ya don’t die, come ’round and tell me how things went.”

Never Hand A Monkey To A Drunk

…it’ll piss the monkey off

Woohoo! New Doclopedia theme!

The Doclopedia #542

 The Colors: Red

 Red is the fur color of the male Zertbeast, the apex predator of the great plains on the northern landmass of the planet Torsek 3. These big males weigh about 2,000 pounds and can be up to 15 feet long, including the 4 foot long tail. Their fangs, which are serrated, measure 6 inches long. Their claws are 3 inches long and razor sharp. A large male Zertbeast can hit 40 miles an hour on level ground and maintain that speed for half an hour. Their primary prey is the Golden Antelope, but they also feed regularly on Grey Leapers, Fatrats and young Gargantosaurs.

The Doclopedia #543

The Colors: Blue

 Blue was the primary costume color of the Blue Moose, the much loved Canadian superhero of the 1950’s and 60’s. He was nearly 7 feet tall, superbly muscled and extremely tough. His mutant ability to fly and sprout large electrified antlers made him the scourge of the criminal underworld. He was the subject of comic books, movies and a long running animated television show.

Around 1969, the Blue Moose seemed to be losing his powers. He was still a very imposing individual, but he used his flight and antlers much less. By 1973, he admitted to the world that he had lost those powers. However, by then, a new crop of superheroes was coming up and the Blue Moose helped them in any way he could, mostly by giving them the benefit of his years of experience.

In 1992, the Blue Moose announced his retirement and left the public eye. Nobody knows where he went or who he really was.

The Doclopedia #544

The Colors: Yellow

When the Deathclouds covered the world in 1830, they were bright yellow in color and nearly 100% toxic to anyone who had passed through puberty. Victims would breath in the toxin, then pretty much liquefy from the inside out. Only a very small percentage of adults survived, and they had shortened lifespans due to a variety of problems.

Fortunately, enough adults lived on to teach many of the surviving children how to live in this new world. Even so, in many places, they did not have adults and reverted to savagery. That is why now, in 1890, there are walled city states of the Educated surrounded by large Tribelands with whom they trade and have uneasy peace agreements.

Duck Jackets

…for the well dressed waterfowl

 

The Doclopedia #540

Those Furry Little Bastards!: Fantasy Version


Karak, barbarian swordsman

I’ll make this short, scribe, then you will leave me to my ale and foul mood. I am Karak, of the Northern Horde! My people live in a cold, rough and godless land. I slew my first opponent, a Driskan snakeman, when I was but 6 years old! I have fought and fought with the greatest warriors of this world! I have won and lost kingdoms and my name was feared everywhere. Was feared. No more. In one night, when those thrice cursed furry little bastards drugged me and then tattooed my body with tiny ponies, flowers, baby ducks and little bears with big eyes, I have gone from a fearsome warrior to a laughingstock! Now leave me to my drinking.”

Flin Evensoul, Elvish adventurer

We were so near to success, perhaps a hundred yards away from the room containing the Scepter of the Steel God. We had fought our way deep down into the caverns, past slimes and night runners and hobgoblins and dozens of other creatures, most of them trying hard to kill us first. We had gotten past traps and over pits and we were so close. Then they came…maybe a dozen of them…the Pitipati. They started dancing and singing and playing kazoos and before we could shut them up, the dragom awoke. We didn’t even know it was there, so deep had been it’s slumber. It would not have even noticed us as we took the Scepter, but those furry little bastards woke it up! Oh, how we ran, even when we reached tunnels the dragon could not follow us down, because we knew he was using larger passages and we had no time to waste fighting other creatures. We ran for hours, and every time we stopped for breath, there were the Pitipati! By the time we escaped, three days later, Rancifal had lost an arm, Gilfi was half mad, Plook was sick from fever, Arlista was blind and I was cursed with boils. If I never see another Pitipati again, it will be too soon.”

Drovinius Zalfazar, Master Wizard

Oh yes, the Pitipati! Not native to this world, you know. Oh no indeed, they are almost certainly just passing through. Still, they do raise a hell of a ruckus, don’t they? Relabeled all of Olanga Muradak’s potion components, you know. She thought she was mixing up a simple healing draught until it exploded, causing her to glow in the dark and stink like Hybithran cheese. Quite funny, but nobody would ever say that to Olanga’s face, mind you. Same with old Finderwick Qutz. The Pitipati mucked about with his wands so that when he went to toss a lightning bolt at that female bugbear, he actually cast a love beam. Hit her square in the chest and she went head over heels for poor Findy. She hung around outside his tower for months. He was terrified she’d have her way with him. Heh heh, it was pretty funny. No, young fellow, despite the amusement they may give to some of us with their antics, you’ll find no love for the Pitipati hereabouts.”

The Doclopedia #541

Those Furry Little Bastards!: Science Fiction Version

Engineering Officer on a starship

No, Captain, I canna give ye warp speed. The little buggers have rerouted the warp controls to the food replicators. I tried to hit warp five and filled dining area three with apple fritters! No, we’ve got no phasers, either. They reworked them to fire a beam that loosens the bowels of most life forms. Well, yeah, sure that would buy us some time if ye shot the enemy ship with it.”

Doctor on the same starship

Damn it, Captain, I’m a doctor, not a Pitipati hunter! Those little sons of bitches are everywhere and I’m damned if I can figure out how to tranquilize them. I hit one with enough morathalizine to knock out an elephant and all he did was get the hiccups. I can’t use stun gas on them because it makes them fart and their farts are highly explosive. All I can suggest is trying to beam them off the ship.”

Science Officer, same starship

While they are fascinating creatures, Captain, they are also highly illogical and probably not from our reality. I have not been able to communicate with them as yet and an attempted mind meld found me regaining consciousness an hour later in the Botany lab covered in marshmallow cream and singing a human song about red red wine.”

 

 

The New England Mad Scientists Newsletter

… lots of Mad Scientists there

 

The Doclopedia #538

Those Furry Little Bastards!: Ancient Version

Sekht, Egyptian priest

Sadly, Pharaoh, I must report that work on your great pyramid has almost ground to a halt. It seems that the Pitipati have absconded with most of our slaves as we slept last night. No, we have no idea where the went. Of course, it would not really matter, since they also took our plans for the pyramid with them. Then there is the fact that the furry little bastards look sort of like cats, making your soldiers afraid to kill them lest they piss of Bast.”

Hsang Lung, Chinese traveling herbalist

I tell you, Wing, the Pitipati are wrecking havoc across the land. I was in the city only yesterday and saw a dozen of them carrying off a fat & rich merchant so they could toss him in the river. And just last week, I heard that they helped sneak a band of thieves right into the home of the governor! Rumor has it, they stole most of his belongings and two of his daughters! Several armies have tried to eliminate the Pitipati, but none have even come close. Why, General Tsin’s army was missing for a week and when they came back, they were in their underwear and their skin was dyed pink! I tell you, these creatures will be the death of China!”

Runs With The Wind, Cree woman

These Pitipati are tricksters, oh yes. They watch and protect our children, but then they throw sticks and rocks at our men when they are bathing. They leave us clay pots, but eat our berries. They lead our hunters to good hunting, but then make our dogs howl at night. I think we will be glad when they go away.”

The Doclopedia #539

Those Furry Little Bastards!: Post Apocalyptic Version

Red Davy, scrounger, ruins of Las Vegas, Nevada

“I hate the Pitipati! If I could catch one, I’d kill it and eat it! YA HEAR ME, YOU LITTLE FUCKERS? I KNOW YER OUT THERE! Sorry, man, but they’ve been fucking with me for days. Started when I was in the Luxor, looking for some canned food. I’d just scored two cans of corn and a can of stewed tomatoes when all of a sudden, I’m getting pelted with fuckin’ dice and poker chips from up near the ceiling. Those hard edged casino dice hurt, dawg! I tried trowing an old frying pan at them, but the furry little shits are fast as hell. Since then, they’ve been following me around bugging me, so I’m gonna head out of town, maybe over to Henderson. YA HEAR THAT, YOU LITTLE PUNKS? YOU”LL HAVE TO FIND SOMEBODY ELSE TO FUCK WITH!”

 Dog Girl, resident, Creekside Estates, Milpitas, California

No, they won’t bite you unless I tell them to. So, yeah, I’ve been living here with my homedogs since two summers ago. Nice houses, the ones still standing. Nothin’ like we had over in Palo Alto when I was a kid. Hunting is pretty good, too, down near the creek. Of course, the dogs keep things fairly safe. The Pitipati? Oh yeah, they come around once in a while, mostly just to bug the dogs and stack piles of junk up in cool shapes. See that one over there? Looks like a bear, doesn’t it? Anyway, I leave them out food from my garden…they really like beets…and sometimes they’ll leave me stuff. Last time, it was four bottles of scotch, so, you know, SCORE!”

Gino, wanderer, Rome, Italy

I was 5 years old when I first encountered the Pitipati. Yes, right after things went bad. My father was dead and my mother was dying and I did not know what I was going to do. I was from a wealthy family, not a street kid, so I was not used to doing things to survive. The Pitipati came to me the day Mother died. I had heard bad things about them from adults, but they were very nice to me. Very gentle. They showed me that many people had planted gardens, where I could get vegetables and fruits to eat. They showed me how to fish and how to catch and milk a goat. They stayed with me for five years, until one night, when I was 10, when they must have decided that I was old enough to survive. That was nearly 20 years ago, and I will never say anything bad about the Pitipati…not even when I return to my camp and find my sleeping bag full of stones.”

Chapter 202: In Which Our Hero, Stranded In Istanbul (not Constantinople), Joins Up With A Merry Band Of Fruit Sellers.

…gotta love merry fruit sellers

Introduction: In many realities, a species of creature known as the Pitipati exist. Nobody knows exactly where they come from, but they aren’t a native species. They are about a foot tall, look like a cross between a kitten & a baby panda, have opposable thumbs, are quite intelligent and are hated by a large number of people no matter what worlds they live on.

 

The Doclopedia #537

 Those Furry Little Bastards!: Modern Version

 Frank Giacone, New York State Emergency Management Specialist, New York City

 The Pitipati? Oh fuck yes I hate those furry little bastards! Look over there, at that barricade. You know what’s on the other side? Fucking lions, tigers, bears and every other goddamn animal that used to be in the Central Park Zoo, the Bronx Zoo and about a dozen private homes and collections! And the fucking Pitipati are helping them hide! Did I mention the fact that those little fuckers also rigged that whole area with non-lethal boobytraps? Yeah, well, they sure as hell did. Christ, it may be months before that area is safe for humans again.”

 Jean Andrews, Housewife, Omaha, Nebraska

 Oh, good Lord, there they go again! Those creatures are so dangerous, I don’t know why the government can’t stop them. Why, just yesterday, they went in Mr. & Mrs, Mullins house while they were out shopping and they moved all of the furniture into the back yard. Even worse, they shed fur all over it and poor Mr. Mullins has allergies. And last Sunday, they turned loose about a thousand field mice over at the Episcopalian church right in the middle of the service. I just don’t know…JIMMY, DO NOT PET THAT THING! GET AWAY RIGHT NOW, YOUNG MAN!”

 David Pacheco, Forest Service Ranger, Humboldt County, California

 To tell the truth, most of us have mixed feelings about the Pitipati. On one hand, they annoy legitimate hikers & campers, mostly by playing pranks on them. On the other hand, we’ve busted record numbers of poachers and marijuana growers after we’ve found them tied up here in the forest next to their kills or weed. The furry little guys also take pictures & videos of the crimes in progress using stolen cameras & cell phones. Really helpful, even though you might get back to your vehicle and fing it up on blocks with the tires stacked up next to it.

Welcome To The Big Box Store

…where we sell big boxes!

The Doclopedia #536

 Worst. Smells. EVAR.: Were-rat Musk

 Why do we charge so much more to hunt down were-rats, you ask? Well mate, there’s four reasons, ain’t there?

 Number One: They live down in the bleedin’ sewers. ‘Ave you ever been in the sewers, mate? It’s not a stroll through the King’s garden, I tell ya.

 Number Two: Were-rats are smart little sods. Unlike yer other lycanthropes, they ain’t all caught up in a bloodlust frenzy. Were-rats are clever and they can set clever traps for blokes what don’t keep sharp.

 Number Three: Like rats, they come in large numbers. Yer were-wolf? Maybe two, tops. Were-bears? Never more’n one. But bleedin’ were-rats? If ya only meet up with 10-12 yer doin’ good. I reckon it makes up for ’em never being more than about 5 foot tall.

 Number Four: This here’s the big one. Were-rat males stink like no beer on a Saturday night. You can’t even imagine a worse stink, mate. I’d rather eat me lunch on a pile of rottin’ corpses than smell it. And the bleedin’ he rats rub it everywhere near their lair. By the time me an’ me mates wipe out a family of ’em, we’ve gotta spend near a week out in the woods bathin’ in herbal brews to get the stink off, plus we ‘ave to burn our clothin’.

 So now that yer up on all that, me an’ the boys would be glad to ‘andle yer were-rat problem. Cash in advance, of course.”

Never Poke A Wild Boar With A Stick

…he might just be asleep, not dead

 

The Doclopedia #534

Worst. Smells. EVAR.: Dead Orcs

To be honest, orcs don’t smell all that great when they’re alive, but once they die, they turn the Stink dial up to 11. It’s pretty terrible.

The big problem is that orcs tend to die…well, actually, get killed…in large numbers because they attack other races, most of whom are better armed. The Meadows of Gavada are a beautiful place, but because the Battle of the Three Armies took place there two years ago, they are not visited by any creatures with a refined sense of smell. Sages estimate it may take another 5 years for the stench of 20,000 dead orcs to fade completely.

The Doclopedia #535

Worst. Smells. EVAR.: Green/Red Gravity Gas

As you all know from school, Green and Red Gravity Gases are what powers the vast fleets of air and space craft that make the British Empire the most powerful entity in the Solar system. The process is simple: Add more Green Gas to reduce the effects of gravity, add more Red to increase it.

The only real problem is that, while both gases are pretty malodorous, when mixed they smell “like Satan’s own shite”, to quote Professor Duncan Holstead, the creator of both gases. This is why specially trained personnel in specially trained suits work in the Gas Rooms, which themselves are always located as far as possible away from crew, officer and passenger quarters.

 

Three Girls In A Yellow Hotrod

…just looking for some trouble

The Doclopedia #532

 Worst. Smells. EVAR.: Demon Grease

 Any wizard or potionmaster on any of the magical Earths will tell you that they deal with some pretty nasty smells in the course of their work. They will also tell you that the worst smelling ingredient for a spell, potion or other magical recipe is demon grease. In fact, the smell of this terrible lubricant is the main reason that wizards and potionmasters live in isolated areas.

 As you might expect, demon grease is pretty expensive stuff due to it being very hard to make. First, you need to find a demonslayer, which could take quite some time and will definitely set you back a big chunk of money. Then there’s the whole hunting down and slaying of a nice fat demon, which is pretty damned iffy even for a demonslayer.

 After that, you need to harvest all of the various demon parts that can be used magically (and that is most of a demon) before you can start rendering down the fat. This takes a good week and is about as disgusting a job as you can imagine. Once you start rendering the fat, you need to cast certain spells to aid the process. Finally, you have a substance worth about 100 times more than gold, by weight.

It also smells so bad that most mages and their helpers have their sense of smell turned off before they deal with it. The exact smell is difficult to describe, but most of the wizards we know would rather be locked in a room with a rotting troll corpse covered in cat crap than smell demon grease.

 The Doclopedia #533

 Worst. Smells. EVAR.: Venusian Dinosaur Farts

 In Pulp Universe #7, Venus is a hot, humid and dangerous jungle planet just full of freaky looking dinosaur creatures. The whole place smells a bit less that pleasant most of the time and the dinosaurs are dangerous as all hell, but the very worst thing that can happen to you is to be anywhere near a Venusian dinosaur when it cuts the cheese.

The flatulence of these enormous creatures actually dissipates rather quickly, but for the first 30 seconds or so, it is terrible. How bad, you ask? So foul that it has been known to completely burn out the sense of smell for days, cause temporary insanity, cause nausea & vomiting and even knock a weak person into a coma lasting a day or two.

The Rare And Beautiful Gossamer Bonobos Of Potawango Island

…they are beautiful, but fling poo.

The Doclopedia #531

Women By The Numbers: 300…

 …years old was the age of Preeda Ramajani when she came to the American city of Gothtropolis in search of “interesting blood”. She had heard all about the various so called “superheroes” and their villainous counterparts and she could hardly wait to sink her fangs into one…or more.

 Preeda had been turned by a dashing young Spaniard who was traveling through India back in 1700. Rodolfo had been so handsome and, to her 22 year old self, worldly, that she had snuck away from her 68 year old husband to be with him for a night of passion. Of course, by the time that night of passion was over, she had become a vampire. Worse yet, she was totally under Rodolfo’s control for the next 175 years.

 As always happens, her vampire lover turned Master gathered up other lovers over the decades, eventually leaving Preeda with much spare time on her hands. When Rodolfo left on a trip to England, Preeda and the rest of his lovers were left to their own devices in his castle in Spain. While most of the others lounged about all night, Preeda spent her time in Rodolfo’s private chamber reading his extensive diaries. One these lead her to a secret chamber in library that contained a book detailing all the secrets of vampirism, including the fact that once a Master died, his lovers/slaves would be free. It also told that after the first century of unlife, a vampire actually gained power each year until they could, if they truly desired, act independently of their Master’s will. Armed with such knowledge, she developed a plan.

 When the human slaves brought Rodolfo’s coffin into the castle a week later, he knew something was wrong as soon as the lid was opened. His lovers were all dead! No, wait, not all of them…Preeda and Nella were still alive. Rushing to their bed chambers, he found Nella alive, but horribly disfigured and unable to speak. She had been savaged by an older vampire, of that he was sure. Unable to heal her to her former beauty, he killed her.

 When he saw Preeda, she was badly slashed, but otherwise in good shape. She cried and told him how a French vampire had come to the castle as they were all leaving to feed and attacked them. He was incredibly strong, she told him, and had four of them in just a minute or so. Preeda had barely gotten inside the protection of the castle with Nella. She told Rodolfo that the Frenchman had yelled that he was not done with Rodolfo and his lovers, then flew off into the night.

 Rodolfo raged for most of the night, declaring that it must have been that bastard Luc and how he would enact a terrible revenge for such trespass. He healed Preeda and told the humans to prepare his passage into France tomorrow. Then, just before dawn, he climbed into his coffin to sleep.

 Having only a few minutes before she herself must sleep, Preeda ran down to the humans and killed them all. Then she ran back up to Rodolfo’s coffin and carefully placed a small box next to it. Across the room, she placed a larger box next to the south facing wall. Then, with only seconds to spare, she got into her own coffin and fell asleep.

 When she woke up just after sundown, Rodolfo was dead, his coffin blown to bits at exactly noon, the same time the larger clockwork timed bomb went off and blew a huge hole in the wall, allowing the noonday sun to hit her former Master full on. She would reward the clockmaker and the chemist for their work. After that, she would take a few days to plan her journey away from Spain.

 Back in the present day, Preeda spent several days trying to locate a suitable superhero or villain to feed upon. After a bit of research, she decided that the one known as ManTitan would do. He was very large, very strong, handsome and not incredibly bright, all things she liked in a man.

 Once she got the attention of ManTitan, it was nothing to lure him up to her penthouse suite. After only a few minutes in his arms, she bit him, drinking deeply. His blood was different…strange tasting and warmer than normal. It made her feel a bit dizzy. She stopped drinking and fell back into a chair. The room was spinning and she could not seem to move very quickly. In a few seconds, it all went dark.

 When Preeda awoke, she was in a sterile white room, restraints holding her in a hospital bed. Her attempts to break free were pitiful. She was very weak, very tired and for the first time in over a century, very afraid. 

Eventually, several doctors and masked heroes entered the room. ManTitan was one of them. The head doctor told her that ManTitan did not have human blood, since his mother was an alien. When Preeda had drunk it, the alien/human hybrid blood had reacted with the vampire virus inside her. Simply put, it had killed the virus and restored Preeda’s body to life. She was a 22 year old mortal again. The restraints, they said, had been for her own safety while her body went through the change. She could leave the hospital in a couple of days, as soon as she was strong enough.

 Preeda’s adjustment to life as a mortal in the year 2000 did not go smoothly, but after some months she began to get used to it. She is now enrolled in college where she is pursuing a degree in history, a subject she excels at.

The Doclopedia #531

 Women By The Numbers: 524…

 …dollars in cash is what Miss Frieda Henderson won in the “Grow The Largest Chicken” contest put on by the Waldo County Home Farmer’s association. Starting with a three day old chick, she raised up her rooster, Albert, until he was a full sized 14 pound adult. But that wasn’t big enough, because Ida Olson had a rooster who weighed 15 pounds.

 Determined to win, Frieda paid some local boys to sneak over into the fields of corn and soybeans that the Monstronto Company used for experiments and steal her some of those seeds. She figured the new fangled seeds would have more vitamins & stuff. At about the same time she started feeding Albert the genetically altered seeds, her water turned out to be mildly radioactive, probably from that old military base outside of town. Of course, Frieda didn’t know about that, all she knew was that Albert grew to 21 pounds by the time of the judging and he won that cash prize easy as pie.

 Of course, Albert soon began to grow even larger. When he was a year old, he stood 12 feet tall and weighed 500 pounds. At that point, he started raising hell all over town, so Frieda had Morris Gaines shoot him. Once he was dressed out and cooked, old Albert fed nearly 300 people in the biggest chicken dinner the town had ever had.

Handsome Joe Goes To School For A Day

…and scores better on a test that most of the human kids

The Doclopedia #529

 Women By The Numbers: 64…

 …pounds is how much weight Maygo Goldenflower lost during her journey to deliver an offering to the Demon of Smoke and Death. True, she had been very obese at the start, weighing nearly twice as much as a halfling girl her age should, but by the end of the trip she was all muscle and looking very fit. She was also a much wiser young lady with a better outlook on life.

 It all started when an emissary from the Demon of Smoke and Death arrived in the only real halfling city, Nine Roads, and delivered the message that an offering of great value must be delivered by a virgin girl to his Master before the year ended. To not do so would cause the Demon of Smoke and Death to lay waste to the halfling homeland.

 This news caused halfling girls to give up their virginity at a record rate. Maygo was not one of them, as she seldom left home unless it was to get a book from the library or maybe visit her grandparents, who always set out a large tray of sweets.

 Eventually, the city watch and the city mage came calling and determined that Maygo was indeed a virgin and old enough to deliver the offering. Maygo was not pleased to hear that and threw a tantrum. Her parents, who were rather tired of their spoiled daughter, agreed to send her off, which started an even worse tantrum. After about a week, Maygo finally ran out of steam and stopped yelling. A week after that, she was off down the road with a group of four hired human escorts. The offering was a solid gold crown encrusted with diamonds. Maygo was in a very foul mood. It was early spring.

 The castle of the demon was, as the crow flies, about 900 miles away to the east. However, any crow flying straight on through would be passing over the Trollwoods, the Lake of the Serpents, the Firehills, most of the Hargan Empire and the Darkwood. The human escorts elected to take the longer route of going south through Fairy Fields, the Smallwoods, the Realm of the Horse Lords and then up along the Braided Rivers. They made it as far as the Smallwoods before a pair of Green Dragons ate their horses and much of their food. After that, it was 10 or 12 hours of walking each day until they reached the Braided Rivers four months later. The trip up the rivers, mostly on foot, took another three months. Eventually, the reached the Valley of Smoke and the demon’s castle.

 Seven months of walking, running, fighting for her life and eating short rations had made a new woman of Maygo. She was slim, tough and tired of this crap. Leaving her escorts outside, she went into the castle and was lead to the throne room. When the Demon of Smoke and Death entered, he was nine feet tall and quite horrid looking. Maygo was less scared than she was angry. Still, she bowed and placed the offering at his cloven feet, saying how she hoped it would please him and he would look upon her people with favor.

 The demon look at the offering, then kicked it aside. He bade Maygo to stand, looked her over a bit and then told her the offering was not good enough and that he would kill her people soon.

 Maygo lost it and told him to kiss her halfling ass. The demon laughed and bent down to look her in the eye. Maygo looked into his eyes, then spit in one of them.

 The effect was shocking. It was as if an arrow had pierced his eye. The Demon of Smoke and Death flung himself onto his back, screaming in agony. Seeing her advantage, Maygo spat a large gob onto his exposed genitals. The demon screamed even louder and his skin began to peel.

 Maygo was able to spit three more times before she dried up, but that was enough. The demon began to fall apart and the parts dissolved as though splashed with acid. All of his servants and lesser demons fled the castle, which itself began to fall apart. Maygo had just enough time to gather up the golden crown and a few equally valuable previous offerings before running out of the collapsing castle.

 Outside, after watching the place turn into a pile of rubble, the leader of her escort asked Maygo what she would do now. She dumped out the offerings and asked if perhaps he knew where they might sell this loot, so as to divide it up five ways. In minutes, they were walking off towards the east.

 Nobody in any of the Western Lands ever saw any of them again.

 The Doclopedia #530

 Women By The Numbers: 103…

 …dollars was the total on Arielle Ames’ expense account for the Case of the Nob Hill Nightmare. It included the following items.

 $40.00 in cash payouts to three “information brokers”, one of whom also demanded a three pound chuck roast.

 $1.50 for a three pound chuck roast

 $.50 for assorted phone calls

 $9.00 for cab rides, bus fare, etc.

 $3.00 for meals

 $10.00 donation to St. Anthony’s Church for the use of certain religious items

 $5.00 for an herbal potion purchased from Yip Soo Herbal Shop

 $.50 for a pound of frankfurters to distract guard dogs

 $1.00 for a bottle of whiskey to distract human guard

 $25.00 bail for a B&E arrest

 $1.50 for first aid supplies

 $6.00 to hire two bums to clean up the site of a demon banishment

 Plus the usual $50.00 a day fee times three days

 Total: $253.00

Goldfish Are $1,500.00 An Ounce?

…I may have misheard that.

The Doclopedia #528

 Women By The Numbers: 33…

…is the number of pounds of C-4 that Mrs. Kathy Brinswell used to blow up her husband, his favorite bar, all of his buddies and a shitload of cars, pickups and motorcycles. The official death toll was 27 people and 3 dogs. Kathy felt terrible about the dogs.

The backstory here is that Kathy, age 38, was damned tired of her husband Doug spending all of his off work hours drinking with his old high school pals at “Buddie’s Road House” way out in the country on old Route 45. Eventually, she met up with one of her old high school friends, Mark Olden, who had just retired from the US Navy, where he had been a SEAL Team member. After a few months, they had fallen in love. It was then that Kathy came up with the idea to send Doug and his buddies to hell with just a bit of help from Mark, who had never much liked Doug and his redneck draft dodging buddies anyway.

On Friday night, November 10th, Doug and his buddies were partying hard when, at 10:15 pm, they and the bar were pretty much vaporized. About an hour later, Kathy and Mark turned themselves in to the police, confessing to everything. Their trial was no trial and they both got multiple life sentences. They both only spent 6 months in prison though, because Mark had a bunch of very dangerous friends, a bunch of money looted from terrorist training camps & drug cartel strongholds and some really valuable photographs and videotapes of heads of state, politicians, religious leaders, etc.

Once they were sprung from the joint, Kathy and Mark vanished and the combined forced of the police, FBI, CIA and NSA have not yet found them after 15 years, even though every year somebody pays to have flowers delivered to the spot where “Buddie’s Road House used to be, with a card reading “R.I.P. Dogs”.

My Diary: The Years Of Sin 1968-2012

…I’m pretty fond of sinning

The Doclopedia #527

Women By The Numbers: 16…

…was the age at of SoVeen Prek Volunon became Empress of the 23 Worlds and Savior of the Sacred Way. Upon her ascension to the throne, she was made Commander In Chief of the 2.5 billion being strong Imperial Fleet, something she didn’t want to be, but Prime Minister DaaliYa Lis Booziran insisted that it was both tradition and necessary for the good of the 23 Worlds. SoVeen realized that this was true, but she still did not like it.

What SoVeen really wanted was to grant independence to the 23 Worlds, dissolve the Fleet, get rid of the insane bureaucracy and get the hell off of the throne ASAP. Sadly, she was stuck there until she could come up with a plan.

Luckily, a childhood friend Lort Magomom, had just joined the Scout Corps, whose job it was to find new planets worthy of conquest. Lort was a Ciberan, one of the smartest and most cunning of sentients in all the 23 Worlds. SoVeen confided her desires to him and he vowed to help her achieve them. With that in mind, he volunteered to scout out the Dark Sector, a portion of space that nobody had ventured into before. He was gone for three years.

Meanwhile, back at the palace, SoVeen began cautiously planting ideas into the heads of all of the various Ministers. “Wouldn’t it be better and more efficient if Ministry A were to absorb the responsibilities of Ministry B & C?”…”I’ve always thought you, Minister X, would be a far better Prime Minister than our current choice.”…”I could envision one overriding Ministry with you at the top, Minister J”. Within a couple of years, she and a few of her closest allies had turned the mighty bureaucracy into a seething pit of plotting, backstabbing and intrigue far beyond what it already was.

When Lort finally returned from the Dark Sector, he and his very loyal crew had a hell of a tale to tell the High Command and the Empress. Out there, deep in the Dark Sector, were a dozen worlds ripe for the taking. The only problem was, there was a militant race called the Gidoon that was heading toward those same worlds with conquest in their eyes. Naturally, he provided extensive reports, vid records, samples and the like to back up his story. The Fleet Commanders, hungry for action after near two centuries of peace, wanted to throw everything they had at the Gidoon, whose own fleet was less than half their size.

The Prime Minister and the rulers of the Great Houses of Commerce said that these 12 worlds must be made part of the Empire and exploited as soon as could be done. The pleaded for the Empress to let them send out a huge fleet of development ships, so as to colonize the worlds while the Fleet dealt with the Gidoon.

Naturally, SoVeen granted all of them their wishes and within six weeks, the Fleet was off. A month later, ninety thousand Development Ships and ten thousand Colonization ships followed them. Oddly, just a week later, the Ministries all turned on each other in a bloodbath that wiped out almost all of upper & middle management. Rather than give her approval of this, SoVeen had the survivors locked up and began slashing budgets for all of the Imperial Ministries, instead transferring their power to planetary and continental governments.

Out in the Dark Sector, it took 14 months for the Fleet and the various Commerce ships to reach the three systems that held the 12 New Worlds. The trip had taken longer than expected because all of the ships began experiencing system breakdowns. By the time they hit the 12 New Worlds, they were limping along. The Commerce ships had to land on the first world they came to, which was a cold and storm wracked place in the middle of an ice age. The Fleet was not so lucky, since they met up with the Gidoon, who outnumbered them about ten to one and were actually the reason for all of the breakdowns. It seems the Gidoon, a peaceful race that inhabited three of the 12 New Worlds, had been tipped off to the Fleet’s coming by their very good friend, Lort. They had seeded the Fleet with nanotech sabotage units as soon as it entered the Dark Sector. As the Fleet ships began to enter the final breakdown, the 2.5 billion beings that made up the Fleet Conquerors were relocated onto the ice age world and told to “work hard, survive and learn peace.

Once all of the hoopla was over, SoVeen granted full independence to all the 23 Worlds, dissolved the Empire and married Lort. The two of them now work as freelance scouts out in the Outer Sector and are as happy as two young people should be.

 

Hare Club For Men

…my first month, I got an albino jackrabbit!

I was going to do a horror theme, but my brain would not cooperate. Instead, you get Women By The Numbers, a theme which requires me to tread very carefully.

The Doclopedia #526

Women By The Numbers: 1…

…was the number of superpowers that Natalie Mardou had when she was known throughout France as “The Green Girl”. You see, Natalie could make plants grow fast…really fast…and large…REALLY large. At first, as a young teenager, she just used her powers to get plants growing in polluted spots, over farmed land or abandoned urban areas. As she got older, she began to get more politically aware and her powers increased with every year. By the time she was twenty, Natalie could turn a handful of acorns into an oak forest in less than 5 minutes or cause a zucchini squash plant to burst a building in 3 minutes. She did that last one to the French Ministry of Agriculture building, which is what brought her to the public eye after years of forests and fields of flowers popping up overnight all over France and other European countries.

By the time she was 24, Natalie had the European Union firmly on a path to green energy, habitat restoration and environmental awareness. In return, she pretty much made Europe totally self sufficient as far as fruits, vegetables and wood products were concerned. And France’s wine industry? Way stronger than ever before.

After a surprisingly quick visit to Russia and the former Soviet Union, who were not dummies and also didn’t want their cities crushed by enormous pumpkins, The Green Girl headed to Africa, where she toppled dictators, ended starvation, restored habitats and turned desertification back about 3,000 years. She also pretty much straightened out all of those problems with women’s rights by having the worst male offenders squeezed into compost by vines.

When last interviewed, The Green Girl was trying to decide if she wanted to visit China and Asia next, or go to South America. In the meantime, she is carrying on very rewarding negotiations with Canada, Mexico and the United States, who also would rather not get crushed by giant pumpkins or killer vines.

Flash, The Imaginary Cat, Eats A Mackerel

…well, it was just sitting there

 

So, no Doclopedia updates yesterday or today due to being busy and my brain needing a rest. I’ll put some up VERY early tomorrow.

 

In the meantime, I’ll toss out the net and ask you all to post some comments suggesting new Doclopedia themes. Don’t be shy now, you know that you want to.