The Story Of The Happy Little Boy

…he was happy because his dog told him Satan loved him

The Doclopedia #564

How To Murder…: A Cartoon Character

Well, good luck with that. We here at the FBI have kept records of attempted murders of toons since the Bureau was founded. We have thousands of them on the book and that doesn’t include anything appearing in cartoons. Despite what you’ve heard in that movie, in the real world, “dip” does not work, although a toon might act like it did to get a laugh. So far as we know, toons cannot be killed by any known method. However, we do post the following list on our website due to public interest.

Failed Attempts To Kill Toons (does not include common things like shooting, stabbing or poisoning)

Blown up by dynamite

Blown up by other explosives (including nuclear weapons)

Ground up in meat grinder

Dropped into molten lava/steel/etc.

Fed to various starving carnivores (including genetically revived dinosaurs)

Crushed by steamrollers/falling objects/landslides

Electrocution, either via man made device or lightning

Re-entry into Earth’s atmosphere from space

Dissolving in acid or alkaline solutions

Blasted by lasers

Freezing (to 3 degrees above Absolute Zero for a week)

Baking (up to 9,000 degrees for 24 hours)

Compression under enormous weight, then freezing, then immersion into acid

All known diseases

Insertion into a vacuum

Inflation to enormous size via high pressure air, then popping

Bitten by every known venomous creature

Liquefied in a blender

Imprisoned in solid steel, then dropped into the Challenger Deep

Shot with an experimental particle beam weapon

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The 10 Things You Should Do Before Riding A Moose

…Number 1: Sober up!

The Doclopedia #563

How To Murder…: A Clockwork Woman

She was very, popular, Miss Lina Muller, the Clockwork Woman. People all over Europe, would flock to see her and hear her speak. She was declared a Marvel of Science and proof that the human imagination had no limits. Her father, Professor Rudolf Muller, was hailed as one of the Great Geniuses of Our Time.

So you can see that she was an abomination in the eyes of God. Only the machinations of Satan could move a man to place the living brain of his teenage daughter into a cold lifeless body of metal, rather than let her die naturally of her disease so that she might join the kingdom of heaven! I knew as soon as I heard about her that I must do God’s work and destroy her!

Naturally I spoke of this with other priests, but they would not discuss the matter and warned me that I was on dangerous ground. The fools! Of course I was on dangerous ground! One is ALWAYS on dangerous ground when on seeks to confront Satan!

Going higher up in the Church proved useless and I convinced me that most of the Church hierarchy have been corrupted by Science and the Forces of Hell. With a saddened heart, I knew I must walk this path alone, but hoped that the destruction of the metallic demon would cause my brethren to once more see the light.

Since the Clockwork Woman was almost always surrounded by a crowd when outdoors, I knew that I could get close to her. Yes, close enough to put an exploding bullet into her brain, close enough to send her soul to Heaven! I set about my planning, which was made much easier by the posted itinerary for her latest speaking tour. After deciding upon Rome itself as the place, I set about having a single shot handgun of large caliber made, along with a bullet designed to explode upon impact. While the gunsmith did his work, I traveled to Rome to get fully acquainted with the speaking hall and it’s environs. I decided that I would do the deed on the front steps, where she was sure to enter.

For the next 12 days I spent most of my time praying for Holy Guidance, that my aim would be true and that I would live long enough for a trial, that I might make people see that Satan was behind this great fascination with things scientific.

When the day came, it was as though Our Lord had made the way easy for me, which of course he had. I walked up the steps with hundreds of others and kept edging closer until she was no more than six feet from me. Her face was that of an innocent girl, but made of cold metal. I said a prayer, drew my gun and fired.

The sound was deafening, but that mattered little as I saw her head explode in a thousand pieces. At that moment, I felt the Power of God flowing through me. I had dealt the Evil One a powerful blow and surely his Demons were howling in terror!

I never felt the blow that knocked me out, but my head was throbbing when I woke up here. I’m told that I was barely saved from the crowd, who would have torn me to bits. Perhaps that would have been better.

You see, they all came to see me, to question me and speak to me. First came the police, then government agents from several countries, then doctors of both the mind and body, then a group from the Vatican itself. It went on for days, the questioning. It seems that the exploding head of the Clockwork Woman killed three other people and injured five more. I told them that those people would be in Heaven now, along with Lina Muller.

Then, this morning, I was visited by Professor Muller himself. He stood staring at me for several minutes, then called outside the cell for someone to enter. That is when I started screaming, which I did for many hours until my voice was gone.

He had called for Lina, his daughter, and she entered the cell with a new head that had more mobile features than the old one. She explained to me that in it’s nearly indestructible case, her brain was too large to fit into the head of the clockwork body, so her father had placed it into the chest instead. The shooting was unfortunate, she told me, but they had only been a few days away from finishing the new head, so it was a minor inconvenience. She told me she would pray for my soul, then left with her father.

The Vatican emissary came in next and told me that I had been judged too insane for a trial and would spend the rest of my life locked up here, to be supervised by Clockwork Men & Women. He told me that I should pray for my soul, but I know it is too late, for I am already in Hell.

Danger Filled Doughnuts!

…it’s a sweet & creamy form of peril

The Doclopedia #562

How To Murder…: A Hero

If you’re thinking that heroes must be damned hard to kill, you’re right, buddy. Not that it can’t be done, mind you, but it takes a whole lot of prep and planning. As an example, let’s take a look at the death of Captain Hercules, that globe trotting adventurer who unfortunately made one too many enemies.

Now, Captain Hercules was a tough customer. Over the 25 years he’d been active, he’d been shot, stabbed, beaten, blown up, set on fire, frozen, bitten by poisonous critters, hit by speeding cars, tossed off of cliffs, electrocuted and mauled by several large animals, all without killing him. Scars? Oh hell yes! Death? Not so much.

But ’round about the time Cap turned 43, he was slowing down a bit, as we all do. Sure, he was still the equal of many men half his age, but he wasn’t the man he used to be. This fact did not go unnoticed by the criminal mastermind known as The Terror. See, for the better part of four years, Cap and his gang had been stopping various nefarious schemes of The Terror and the mastermind was getting pretty pissed off about it. The icing on the cake had come when Cap had not only stopped The Terror from stealing 50 million bucks, but had killed 75% of his henchmen and expose him to a rare disease that was slowly killing him and had no cure.

Figuring he had nothing to lose, The Terror spent every penny he had to put bombs all over the city. He put ’em everywhere: schools, hospitals, police stations, department stores, all over. Then he commandeered a radio station to tell Cap that if he didn’t meet him alone, face to face, on Freedom Island out in the bay, the city would go boom.

Naturally, Cap went out unarmed to meet him on the island, because that’s what heroes do. Then the bombs went off anyway because The Terror was an evil son of a bitch who was very near death. When Cap heard the explosions, he turned towards the city in disbelief, giving The Terror enough time to shoot him three times in the upper back and head. Cap fell down, deader than hell. The Terror started laughing, but that brought on a heart attack to his weakened body and he fell down and died.

So that’s one way to kill a hero, but I wouldn’t advise trying it again. See, after that, even the most purehearted heroes adopted a “Kill the villain, just to be safe” policy.

Bean Planting For The Total Idiot

…First Step: find a bean.

 

The Doclopedia #561

How To Murder…: A Wizard

The main problem with trying to do a hit on a Wizard is that they have about a hundred ways to set up a warning system. Magical wards that make noise as you pass them, enchanted barriers that can detect homicidal intent, familiars that look pretty much like ordinary animals, spirit security guards, friggin’ demon hounds as watchdogs…yeah, just getting close enough to a Wizard to kill him or her is one of the diciest parts of the deal.

Now, some of you might think “OK, so just hit them with some sort of long range attack”. Well, you’d better have an attack that moves really fast and hits really hard and can get through at least two layers of magical protection, or the last thing you’ll ever see is a fireball or a deadly swarm of hellsquitos or a bolt of pure energy. Wizards don’t like being attacked.

Poison him? Are you kidding? Wizards don’t even swallow their own spit without a Purification spell. Same goes for sex, as and high class courtesan can tell you.

So how do you kill a wizard? The surest way anybody has found is by stealing all of his mana energy right before a deadly attack by somebody or something too powerful for just his wands or rings to deal with. Demons and dragons are good for that, but so is a horde of bloodlusting goblins or a bunch of zombies. Then, if the attacker doesn’t look like it’s going to kill him, you can put an arrow through his head. I prefer a nice cold iron arrowhead for taking down a Wizard. And be damned sure you kill him before he can get off a death curse, or you’ll get turned into a maggot or break out in exploding boils or something even worse!

The Midnight Creeper & The Midnight Rider Meet The Midnight Rambler on the Midnight Special

…do I need to tell you what time it was>

 

The Doclopedia #559

Calling All Frogs: The Terrible Treefrog

When you think about it, it’s kind of funny that a 4′ 10” wiry framed little super villain called The Terrible Treefrog would be one of the most successful villains of all. Many villains were larger and more powerful. A goodly number were smarter and had fancy bases and plenty of mad inventions. Almost all were more dangerous.

And perhaps that’s exactly why The Terrible Treefrog was the one to get away with so much: No great world conquering plans, no look or attitude that attracted too much attention and no desire to try and kick some superheroes ass. All The Terrible Treefrog wanted was a big pile of money.

The true identity of this amazing little criminal was Amanda Mercado, a high school senior from a small town 75 miles from Miami, Florida. About the time she hit puberty, Amanda found that she could leap over 50 feet from a standing start, cling to walls, see very well in the dark, dive deep into water and stay under for up to 20 minutes and, lastly, emit a high pitched croak that could shatter glass and stun living creatures.

At first, the young lady could only think of herself as a freak, but after awhile it dawned on her that she might be able to use these powers to make some money. Not in any way that would make it known that she was a freak, of course, so maybe…something illegal? Always a skilled seamstress, she made up a green and brown costume with just enough padding to hide her boobs and then drove her old beater of a hand me down car into Miami.

Once in the city, she suited up and went looking for a place or person to rob. It was late at night and she was well hidden when she saw the jewelry store. Figuring that diamonds probably were a girl’s best friend, she gathered up her courage and croaked. The windows in that store and a half dozen others shattered. Oops! In seconds, she was in the store scooping jewelry into a small bag. Just as she was leaving, the cops arrived. They tried to get her to stop, but she just jumped away too fast to get shot. 

Within about a week, Amanda learned that expensive jewelry is really difficult to turn into money if you’re a teenage girl with no criminal past. So, about three weeks after her first appearance (after which a newspaper reporter had given her the nickname “Treefrog”), she went back into Miami just before it was time for the banks to close. Having practiced her croaking, jumping and acrobatics, she was in the bank and had almost everybody inside it stunned within a few seconds. It took her less than two minutes to gather up a hundred thousand dollars in cash. Once again, as she was leaving, she encountered the police. Once again, she got away unharmed, but not before she croaked out “Beware The Terrible Treefrog!” in a gravelly voice that everybody heard for a hundred yards around.

During the next couple of years, Amanda robbed banks, armored cars and a couple of casinos. She encountered only a couple of superheroes. One of them was an older fellow named “The Racer”, who could run very fast, but had lost much of his stamina to old age. Three times she outmaneuvered him, until he finally tripped and broke his leg. Another hero was much younger, totally hunky, very strong and, Amanda soon found out, not all that bright. Each time they met, she outsmarted him, including one meeting where she tricked him into a bank vault, then shut and locked the door.

When she had about a five million dollar bankroll, Amanda gave up her life of crime and went to college, where she majored in criminal science and got a PhD. She now works for the FBI out of Los Angeles and lives very comfortably off of her “lucky investments”.

Recently though, criminals in the City of Angels have been getting their asses handed to them by a new superhero who calls herself “Jumping Spider”.

The Doclopedia #560

Calling All Frogs: The Great Frog Panic Of 1962

It was late July of 1962 and Jimmy Joe Barks and his cousin, Mervy Runch had a secret: over the past couple of months, they had caught and collected over 300 frogs of all sized! They had little spring peepers, leopard frogs and big old bullfrogs. They kept them on jars and a couple of old bathtubs covered with screen and even in that leaky 50 gallon aquarium old man Hunkle had thrown away. They fed them bugs and flies and the frogs did really well.

Now, you might be asking, just why did these two eleven year olds gather up so many frogs? Money? A love of nature? Frog leg dinner? Heck no! They gathered them up to turn loose at the Founder’s Day Dance & Party!

So, on the final Saturday night of July, around about 7:15, just as the spaghetti dinner was winding down and Joey and the Boppers were tuning up for the dance, the boys struck. After lugging all of those frogs to the back door of the Community Center, they turned them loose. Happy to be freed from the sacks and jars that has imprisoned them, the amphibians swarmed into the party.

The first persons to see them were Jimmy Joe’s Aunt Delia and her friend, Mrs. Cable. Now, both of these ladies had a big fear of anything creepy crawly, so when they saw the frogs while carrying a couple of bowls of leftover spaghetti back to the kitchen, they screamed like Satan was standing there and threw spaghetti all over the place.

Racing to see what the screaming was about, Butch Groves slipped on a meatball and slid right into a group of local farmers. Now, Butch weighs in at about 340 pounds on a 6’4” frame, so he bowled them right over.

While they were getting untangled, a huge bullfrog hopped right into the middle of a bunch of teenaged girls, sending them running and screaming in all directions. At the other end of the hall, several older folks thought the screaming was “some rock & roll thing”, so they started yelling for the girls to shut up.

When about four leopard frogs jumped into the punch bowl, Hazel Owens freaked out and spilled a plate of mostly spaghetti sauce on her bosom. Staggering away, so as not to slip on spilled punch, she looked as though she’s been stabbed, which caused her mother (a very rotund woman) to faint dead away. Unfortunately, she fell on Reverend Mokely and some folks took that to mean she’d been shot.

By now, about half of the 300 people in the Community Center were panicking and the rest were just encountering the frogs. Old Man Tadwell started yelling, which caused his three big old coonhounds to come running in from outside, which only made the whole situation worse.

After just a few minutes, the Sheriff came in and almost immediately got knocked on his can by the Frolich brothers as they were running out the door. Over on the bandstand, one of the coonhounds knocked the bass player into the drums, while another bumped into an amplifier, turning the volume all the way up and causing a hell of a feedback loop.

Eventually, everybody was running and screaming and yelling and it took all three deputies, six firemen and the Sheriff to finally calm things down. The dance was, of course, canceled and the doctors over at the clinic gave out about a years worth of sedatives. There were three broken noses, four twisted ankles, three sprained backs and dozens of assorted lesser injuries. Some folks developed a fear of frogs that lasted for years.

The next day, Jimmy Joe and Mervy agreed that their prank had been a big success. A couple of days after that, they began trying to figure out how they could safely catch a few skunks to turn loose over at the high school’s Christmas Ball come December.

Return Of The Sweet Smelling Bitches

…they be woofin’, I be lovin’

 

The Doclopedia #556

 Calling All Frogs: Braised Giant Frog With Jeevoo Sauce

 Naturally, you want a fully mature male Yellow Legged Giant Frog of the Quoo Lake region. The females are, of course, unclean and the Red Legged Giant Frog is fit food only slaves and the Unenlightened. Assuming it will weigh about 400 pounds, you’ll need a blessed Pwelook braising pot and four yikki stones to place beneath the frog. Make sure the yikki stones have been twice blessed by a priest of Nerlok.

Now, gently kill the frog with a jegknife to the brain, then have your slaves place it in the pot. Say the Prayer of Tenderizing while turning in a full circle three times. Then you, not a slave, must pour 7 gallons of water from your skwell cistern. Never use water from a well or a tap or you will be torn apart by the demonic qurfbeasts of Mighty Caporvis.

Once the water has been added, season it with three pounds of finely chopped huustok, a pound of weej, half a pound each of triff, booloo berries and zet. If you are especially in need of spiritual cleansing, you may also add a quarter pound of samasodo melon.

You may now have your slaves place the lid on the Pwelook pot while you invoke the Watchful Eye of the Great Molurex. Having done this, you should set your oven to a moderate temperature and have your slaves place the pot into it.

Now go to your five cornered prayer room and repeat the Lengthy Pray to Gotloth five times, facing each corner in turn. After this, remove your clothing and order your slaves to coat you in Yurb fat, then cleanse you fully inside and out.

Wait for 5 more hours, then have your slaves remove the pot from the oven. Immediately offer up a plate full of smoked viskfish to your Kitchen God, then have your slaves remove the pot lid. Say the Quick Prayer of the Dilve Hunter, then add a one pond mix of ifulo root and deshki apples that have been marinated in jeevoo extract to the pot. Wait another 20 minutes. During this time, you must be doing the Dance of Strong Appetite and chewing a half ounce piece of sarf skin.

You may now have your slaves carry the pot to the table and you may serve your guests. If any of them fail to make the Sign of Jerb with their left hand, order your slaves to beat them senseless.

After the meal, you and your guests should drink woolifi tea and say the Third Prayer of Sinful Regret. 

The Doclopedia #557

Calling All Frogs: Frog Cops

Frog Cops was an animated television series for children that came out in 1980 and ran until 1984. There was nothing in the slightest about it to distinguish it from any of the other Saturday morning cartoons except for the fact that the “Singing Burglar”, a recurring character, featured the voice of Artis Milinakis, the young Greek immigrant who would go on to become the best selling solo singer of the 1990’s. Once he hit it big, the entire series was released on DVD with several outtakes of his singing reworked into the “Singing Burglar” stories.

The Doclopedia #558

Calling All Frogs: Were-frogs

Oh, so you laugh at the idea of a were-frog, eh? Well you won’t be laughing when, in full frog form, it up and swallows your little dwarf there, or when it goes to manfrog form and hits you with it’s claws, then jumps away before you can hit it. Magic? Were-frogs are more magic resistant than even a were-bear, buddy!

No sir, if you really want to hurt a were-frog, you’ve gotta hit ’em with fire, and lots of it! Arrows, fired from about medium range are a damned good idea, too. For close in, go with a hammer or mace or club, because edged weapons have a hard time cuttin’ through their hide.

Where do they live? Well, always near water and you can tell sometimes who they are in human form because they’ll bath a lot. Like, 2-3 times a day! Farther north you go, fewer were-frogs you’ll find, but down around the Steaming Coast they’ll be thicker than fleas on a dog’s back.

Now if you’ll buy me another mug of wine, I’ll tell you why you never want to poke a troll with a sharp stick.”

The Rare And Beautiful Blue Stinking Poppies Of Potawango Island

…breathtakingly beautiful, but WHEW!

 

The Doclopedia #555

Calling All Frogs: Sewer Frogs

In one of the many steampunk universes, a group of young genius criminals/heroes operate out of the Old Sewers of 1902 Paris. The Old Sewers were abandoned when the new, steam pump driven sewer system went into use. There are miles of Old Sewer tunnels now that are mostly used for storm drainage. Mostly, but not all.

The Sewer Frogs, whose name is meant to infuriate both the French and British establishments (although for different reasons), have established laboratories, living quarters and other areas in the Old Sewers as well as basements and abandoned buildings. They also have an installation in London that is similarly set up.

From time to time, the Sewer Frogs emerge into the light of day (or dark of night) with some sort of Infernal Device and a plan to stir things up with the government and the bourgeoisie. In recent months, this has included coating the financial district in a near impenetrable gel that dissolved after 5 days and releasing “flying robotic farting birds” into the skies above London. The Sewer Frogs also steal from the rich and give to the poor. That and the fact that they provide medical attention and plenty of humor via their tweaking of the government nose means that not too many ordinary folks seem to know anything when the police come around with questions

The Sewer Frogs all dress exactly alike when out in public: Green pants and shirt, black shoes and gloves and a green head covering mask with a black frog design on the forehead.