Return Of The Sweet Smelling Bitches

…they be woofin’, I be lovin’

 

The Doclopedia #556

 Calling All Frogs: Braised Giant Frog With Jeevoo Sauce

 Naturally, you want a fully mature male Yellow Legged Giant Frog of the Quoo Lake region. The females are, of course, unclean and the Red Legged Giant Frog is fit food only slaves and the Unenlightened. Assuming it will weigh about 400 pounds, you’ll need a blessed Pwelook braising pot and four yikki stones to place beneath the frog. Make sure the yikki stones have been twice blessed by a priest of Nerlok.

Now, gently kill the frog with a jegknife to the brain, then have your slaves place it in the pot. Say the Prayer of Tenderizing while turning in a full circle three times. Then you, not a slave, must pour 7 gallons of water from your skwell cistern. Never use water from a well or a tap or you will be torn apart by the demonic qurfbeasts of Mighty Caporvis.

Once the water has been added, season it with three pounds of finely chopped huustok, a pound of weej, half a pound each of triff, booloo berries and zet. If you are especially in need of spiritual cleansing, you may also add a quarter pound of samasodo melon.

You may now have your slaves place the lid on the Pwelook pot while you invoke the Watchful Eye of the Great Molurex. Having done this, you should set your oven to a moderate temperature and have your slaves place the pot into it.

Now go to your five cornered prayer room and repeat the Lengthy Pray to Gotloth five times, facing each corner in turn. After this, remove your clothing and order your slaves to coat you in Yurb fat, then cleanse you fully inside and out.

Wait for 5 more hours, then have your slaves remove the pot from the oven. Immediately offer up a plate full of smoked viskfish to your Kitchen God, then have your slaves remove the pot lid. Say the Quick Prayer of the Dilve Hunter, then add a one pond mix of ifulo root and deshki apples that have been marinated in jeevoo extract to the pot. Wait another 20 minutes. During this time, you must be doing the Dance of Strong Appetite and chewing a half ounce piece of sarf skin.

You may now have your slaves carry the pot to the table and you may serve your guests. If any of them fail to make the Sign of Jerb with their left hand, order your slaves to beat them senseless.

After the meal, you and your guests should drink woolifi tea and say the Third Prayer of Sinful Regret. 

The Doclopedia #557

Calling All Frogs: Frog Cops

Frog Cops was an animated television series for children that came out in 1980 and ran until 1984. There was nothing in the slightest about it to distinguish it from any of the other Saturday morning cartoons except for the fact that the “Singing Burglar”, a recurring character, featured the voice of Artis Milinakis, the young Greek immigrant who would go on to become the best selling solo singer of the 1990’s. Once he hit it big, the entire series was released on DVD with several outtakes of his singing reworked into the “Singing Burglar” stories.

The Doclopedia #558

Calling All Frogs: Were-frogs

Oh, so you laugh at the idea of a were-frog, eh? Well you won’t be laughing when, in full frog form, it up and swallows your little dwarf there, or when it goes to manfrog form and hits you with it’s claws, then jumps away before you can hit it. Magic? Were-frogs are more magic resistant than even a were-bear, buddy!

No sir, if you really want to hurt a were-frog, you’ve gotta hit ’em with fire, and lots of it! Arrows, fired from about medium range are a damned good idea, too. For close in, go with a hammer or mace or club, because edged weapons have a hard time cuttin’ through their hide.

Where do they live? Well, always near water and you can tell sometimes who they are in human form because they’ll bath a lot. Like, 2-3 times a day! Farther north you go, fewer were-frogs you’ll find, but down around the Steaming Coast they’ll be thicker than fleas on a dog’s back.

Now if you’ll buy me another mug of wine, I’ll tell you why you never want to poke a troll with a sharp stick.”

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