Danger Filled Doughnuts!

…it’s a sweet & creamy form of peril

The Doclopedia #562

How To Murder…: A Hero

If you’re thinking that heroes must be damned hard to kill, you’re right, buddy. Not that it can’t be done, mind you, but it takes a whole lot of prep and planning. As an example, let’s take a look at the death of Captain Hercules, that globe trotting adventurer who unfortunately made one too many enemies.

Now, Captain Hercules was a tough customer. Over the 25 years he’d been active, he’d been shot, stabbed, beaten, blown up, set on fire, frozen, bitten by poisonous critters, hit by speeding cars, tossed off of cliffs, electrocuted and mauled by several large animals, all without killing him. Scars? Oh hell yes! Death? Not so much.

But ’round about the time Cap turned 43, he was slowing down a bit, as we all do. Sure, he was still the equal of many men half his age, but he wasn’t the man he used to be. This fact did not go unnoticed by the criminal mastermind known as The Terror. See, for the better part of four years, Cap and his gang had been stopping various nefarious schemes of The Terror and the mastermind was getting pretty pissed off about it. The icing on the cake had come when Cap had not only stopped The Terror from stealing 50 million bucks, but had killed 75% of his henchmen and expose him to a rare disease that was slowly killing him and had no cure.

Figuring he had nothing to lose, The Terror spent every penny he had to put bombs all over the city. He put ’em everywhere: schools, hospitals, police stations, department stores, all over. Then he commandeered a radio station to tell Cap that if he didn’t meet him alone, face to face, on Freedom Island out in the bay, the city would go boom.

Naturally, Cap went out unarmed to meet him on the island, because that’s what heroes do. Then the bombs went off anyway because The Terror was an evil son of a bitch who was very near death. When Cap heard the explosions, he turned towards the city in disbelief, giving The Terror enough time to shoot him three times in the upper back and head. Cap fell down, deader than hell. The Terror started laughing, but that brought on a heart attack to his weakened body and he fell down and died.

So that’s one way to kill a hero, but I wouldn’t advise trying it again. See, after that, even the most purehearted heroes adopted a “Kill the villain, just to be safe” policy.

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