Cliff Diving For The Complete Idiot

…the title answers the question “who would do that?”

CatCon 4: Day 2 I accept a cereal eating throwdown…we stop to see a really big gator…Flash & Lucy raise hell

The KOA has a free pancake breakfast, so at 8 AM we all got in line for it. After a couple of minutes, Mary noted that there was a sign for a cereal eating contest at the same time. A $50.00 prize would go to the winner. Now, anyone who knows me well will tell you I can eat a lot of cereal, so I decided to accept the challenge.

Flash: Watching Dad eat cereal is truly inspirational to those of us who like to eat.

There were maybe 20 people ready to scarf up cereal, some of them kids and a few women, but mostly big guys who looked like they could pack away some groceries. I remained undaunted and told the contest attendants that I’d start off with Rice Krispies, no sugar, low fat milk. Most of the other folks were going for the sugary stuff, except for one big guy who was starting off with Wheaties.

 No time limit, eat until you can’t eat any more. The host said “GO!” and we hit it.

 I won (barely), with 7 big bowls eaten. Why? Rice Krispies are mostly air and sugar will upset your stomach after a while. I did let fly with some record braking belches, but I had room for a lot of cereal. The big Wheaties guy quit about three spoonfuls before I did. I waddled back to the bus with $50 in my pocket. I didn’t eat until dinner time.

 Flash: Hey, dad, how about entering me in a tuna eating contest?

 Lucy: Or me in a Foooddd Foooorrr Doooggggssss eating contest?

 Abby: I could win a salad eating contest!

 Winker: Put me in a cookie eating contest! I wouldn’t care if I won.

Just before we passed over the Alabama border, we saw a sign announcing “See the World’s Largest Alligator”. In searching out roadside attractions, “World’s Largest” is very nearly as good as “World Famous”, so in we went.

We kind of expected a stuffed alligator, or maybe one made of something not living, but nope, it was a live gator. A humongous live gator.

His name is Dewey and he’s really big…the biggest recorded alligator ever, in fact. 21 feet 4 inches long and just shy of 1,900 pounds. He’s also 66 years old and eats a dozen large chickens, a couple of large carp and 5 pound slab of beef at every meal, which he gets about once a week. Dewey has also fathered many children, although now he’s so big that the only female he can mate with is petite little Lulu, who is a mere 16 feet long and only 50 years old.

Flash: Holy shit! That was one enormous reptile! He looked like he walked straight out of a Sci Fi Channel movie.

Abby: Yeah, I kept expecting Megasnake to start a fight with him.

Lucy: If he had made a fast move, I think everybody would have pooped!

Winker: I’m glad we were locked on the bus.

Ol’ Dewey doesn’t do much, but when your that fuckin’ big, you don’t need to. The owner of the place said we could have our picture taken sitting on him, but I was the only one to take him up on it. I will say that my friends yelling and pleading, coupled with my wife asking if my life insurance was paid up and could I leave the bus keys with her first, rather detracted from the moment. For his part, Dewey didn’t twitch. I figure if I’d just eaten a dozen chickens and all that other stuff, I wouldn’t twitch either.

All Critters: Our Dad Unit is insane!

After that, we bought our share of souvenirs and headed back to the bus and hit the road. Or would have, if the bus had not been littered with shoes.

When I stepped through the front door, there was Flash dragging a high heeled shoe downstairs to a big pile of assorted footwear.

Flash: Oops! Busted!

I could hear Lucy barking her happy bark as shoes rained down through the holes in the ceiling where the fireman’s pole goes. When I reached the third floor, there she was, digging with wild abandon into the humongous pile nearest the Shoe Room door, with shoes flying out behind her and most of them falling down the hole.

Lucy: But Daaad! Birds gotta fly, fish gotta swim, dogs gotta dig!

Flash: Yeah, and cats gotta…umm…drag shoes around!

I’ll note that Abby and Winker were in the shoe room, but playing peacefully way back in the corner.

Abby: Some critters are good girls!

Winker: Really? Who?

Abby: Shhh!

To be fair, I had left the door to the room open, so as to let the critters get some exercise. Still, naughty is naughty and Lucy and Flash went into a 1 hour lockdown and lost their video gaming privileges for two days.

Flash & Lucy: It was a fair cop.

We humans spent the next half hour picking up shoes. Several of us did find some nice ones, including the silver and green Converse high tops I’m wearing right now and a pair of loafers for Doc Mystery.

We are now about to pass into wildest Alabama, at which point we divert from our previous direct course and initiate Project Applesauce.

Abby: Oh noes! Dad has another secret project!

Winker: I hope he feeds us before he starts it.

By the way, My framed picture of me laying on Dewey’s back (which is not very comfy) is now hanging on the living room wall.

More bloggage later. 

Music: The Ink & Paint Big Band, featuring Jessica Rabbit: Hot Night In Toontown

Destination Sign: Cimmeria


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