…nobody else asks these questions, folks
The Doclopedia #631
Stairway To…: Woodstock, 1969
From the notebook of Zimwalt the Astounding:
Having made a tenuous contact with some other plane via my Radionic Detecting Crystal, I heard a bit of poetry obscured by noises. It seemed to tell of a stairway one could take straight to Heaven! Oh, the questions I would ask my long dead parents and mentors, if I could but climb that stairway!
Apparently, one needed, at least in part, a whispering wind, a winding road and a hedgerow. I was not sure of the rest of it, but there is a fine old hedgerow and a winding road just beyond my garden gate. As well, I know many fine air spirits who would not mind whispering for me as part of a spell. With that in mind and while trying to remember more of the poem, I set about researching a proper way to create the Stairway To Heaven.
After many weeks, I was ready to cast the spell. My best estimate was that it would allow me only a few hours in Heaven, so I had a rather lengthy list of questions for the dearly departed. I should have liked to ask several questions of my first wife, my former best friend and my late enemy Prokero the Fantastic, but there was little chance of any of them being in Heaven.
I began the spell, one component of which I had remembered, but which had involved nearly a week of my time calculating how to make my shadow taller than my soul. Still, I had done it and now the spell was beginning to work!
Slowly, a mist rose up and out of it appeared a rather garishly colored spiral staircase made of gold. As the spell ended, I ran up the staircase, which went on for some distance. About half an hour later, I reached the top. After a few minutes of regaining my breath and giving serious thought to collapsing, I opened the door, which was painted in the same strange bright colors. I could see nothing on the other side but a fog, so I stepped through, sure that I would soon see Heaven.
Nothing could have been farther from the truth! Well, alright, I suppose Hell would be farthest from Heaven, but this strange new place was certainly far from Heaven.
I saw a huge number of young people dressed in many strange outfits dancing to what I can only assume was some form of music. In retrospect, I know that it sounded in some respects like the noise I had heard obscuring the poem that night.
It was about late at night and rather warm, but many of these young people looked at me and said that I was cool. I was also referred to as “groovy”, which could only assume had something to do with the wrinkles on my face.
On a very large stage in the distance, a musical group was playing something. When I asked a young man who they were, he said they were “grateful dead”, which made me think this might be some huge gathering of necromancers. A quick Spell of Detection put paid to that idea, so I decided to walk around and examine this place. After all, there was nothing else I could do until the spell wore off.
I spoke to many young folks and some not so young. I found out that this was a free concert at a place called Woodstock. The number of people there was estimated at anywhere from 100,000 to a million, but I strongly suspect it was somewhere in between. There was much talk of love and peace and it rained quite heavily. At one point, a young man offered me a drink which he called “electric kool aid”. Being thirsty, I accepted it and downed the very sweet and vaguely fruit flavored drink. The young fellow then bade me a good trip, but I told him I wasn’t going anywhere. I then walked on until, some minutes later, I became ensorceled by the drink.
At first, I thought I was drifting into some sort of dream world. Colors seemed brighter, sounds were warped and when things moved, they left trails. It was all quite fascinating and at some point minutes or hours later, a pleasantly plump young lass suggested that we disrobe behind some bushes and “get it on”, which is a euphemism for sex. It having been some while since I had last known feminine companionship, I accepted. It was a satisfying, but strange experience due to the kool aid.
Of what happened after that, I cannot tell you, since the next thing I remember was waking up covered in muddy clothing in the middle of the road in front of my house. Seeseeneem, the air spirit who had aided me in casting the spell, was asking if I was alright.
So, my first attempt at creating the Stairway To Heaven went awry. I shall not, however, be deterred! Tonight, I shall adjust my Radionic Detecting Crystal to search the planes of existence for that poem. I shall not be denied!