More Songs About Mutants And Pie

…no, not really

The Doclopedia #632

Stairway To…: Mordor

From the notebook of Zimwalt the Astounding:

Bah! Another pointless journey through the wrong doorway. This time the stairway was made of rough stone and was only about thirty steps total. The door was round and painted black. Upon stepping through it, I found myself in rough country. I saw just ahead a pair of small humanoids who were staring at the even rougher country that lay ahead of them. In the far distance, under black smoke and clouds that set off my Detect Evil charms, I could see a huge volcano belching forth even more smoke.

Upon gaining the attention of the two young fellows, whose names are of no importance here, I introduced myself. They seemed wary, so I cast a Calming Spell and asked them where I was and why they were in such a nasty place.

Their story was somewhat long, with both of them pointing out details, but suffice it to say that it all boiled down to the old “magical device must be destroyed to stop great evil” scenario, one that I in my youth took part in more than once. The ring the slimmer of the two fellows had was indeed quite powerful and well and truly evil, so I asked them if they would like to take the fast route to the mountain so as to destroy it and be done with it. After all, I had many hours to be in their world, so why not make myself useful?

They allowed as that would be alright by them, so I conjured up a pot of tea and a plate of biscuits so that we might fortify ourselves for the coming deed. About halfway through our tea, I detected a small and evil creature lurking about a hundred feet away. Casting a Hunting Whirlwind spell, I brought him to us kicking and screaming and crying out in a near unintelligible gibbering. They knew this foul creature and agreed that he was indeed evil and lusted for the ring. Seeing a chance to kill two birds with one stone, I teleported the lot of us into the fiery mountain, put the ring on the wretches finger, then cast him down into the lava before teleporting myself and the two lads to safety.

We watched from many miles away as all hell broke loose in this evil soaked land. The mountain blew up spectacularly, a great citadel of evil imploded along with its master and many tens of thousands of orcs and other vile creatures died. That last bit was worth the entire trip.

Still having several hours left, I took my companions to many places so that they might inform their friends of the successful vanquishing of evil. One of their friends was introduced to me as a Wizard, but if he was, he was a rather low level sort. I mean, how else can you explain him making a group of people walk all over instead of teleporting or flying? And then there is the matter of him taking days of battle to defeat a demon of fire, something that even at my advanced age I could still do in under 10 minutes. So, yes, “Wizard” indeed.

At any rate, I saw many places in their lands and was roundly thanked by many people. Oh, and one of the small fellows had a nasty wound from some undead creatures weapon. I healed it fully so it would never bother him again. After about 9 hours in that world, I popped back into my own living room.

I shall attempt my next casting of the “Stairway To Heaven” spell in a fortnight. Perhaps it will go better then.

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One comment on “More Songs About Mutants And Pie

  1. This was a fun one, Doc.

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