Handsome Joe Gets A New House

…with three doggie doors!


The Doclopedia #657

Dangerous Animals!: Ducklings!

Alpha Charlie to Base…Alpha Charlie to Base! We’ve encountered the enemy at coordinates Foxtrot One Niner, near the long pond. Jesus, there must be ten thousand Quackies! Enemy is moving fast, really fast. Estimate twenty percent of our forces got hit by the Cuteness and are not reacting properly. Standard rounds nearly ineffective due to small size of the enemy. Shit, they’re just tiny ducklings! How can you hit something that small and fast! Negative on the flamethrowers, Base. No effect and the little bastards just absorb the fire and spit it back. Artillery is almost as useless. They can hear the rounds coming and just run out of the way. You can’t believe how fast they are!”

5 minutes later

Alpha Charlie to Base. We are in retreat! Repeat, we are in retreat! Fifty to sixty percent casualties on our side. Maybe ten percent on the Quacky side. Request air support to hold them back. Jesus, hurry it up, Base. Oh God! Ohgodohgod! There are Quackies pouring over the hills! Oh God, it must be a hundred thousand or more! Too fast, too fast! Get that air support here! They’re gaining on our trucks! Oh shit, they’re getting ready to breath fire! Base, you’ve got to……”



The Doclopedia #658

Dangerous Animals!: Guppies!

I used to love the water. Swimming, fishing, taking a boat out for an overnight cruise on a river or lake. Don’t even get me started on trips to the beach with Gail and the kids & dogs.

Then the guppies got loose from that lab in Florida. Guppies? When people heard about that on CNN or Fox or wherever, we just laughed. Half a million tiny tropical fish loose in the Everglades. They’d be lunch for a couple of days. End of story.

But then, we didn’t know about them being genetically modified, did we? We didn’t know how fast they could breed or how they could now hunt in packs and kill and eat larger fish. Or snakes. Or freaking small alligators. And we sure as hell didn’t know about them having a hive mind or that they engineered their escape from that lab by controlling some cleaning lady.

From fertilized egg to breeding adult in 6 fucking weeks! That first hundred thousand probably numbered a couple of million in that time. By the time wildlife biologists noticed that fish, snakes, gators and other wildlife were disappearing, there must have been billions of guppies and some of them had adapted for saltwater living.

Now nobody lives any closer that a couple of miles to any ocean, river, creek or lake that connects to a river or creek. Still, those cute little guppies manage to mind control and eat a million or so humans a year that think they can get close to the water for “just a moment”.

Yeah, I used to love the water.



The Doclopedia #659

Dangerous Animals!: Bunnies!

Now, students, we come to the Great Failed Experiment, the terraforming of Mars. Now, the actual process of terraforning Mars began in 2015 with the introduction of mosses, lichens and other simple plants that added oxygen to the atmosphere. 100 tons of such plants were placed upon the planet, most near the North pole where water ice forms. Twenty years later, both ice caps were melted when comets Hendry-Kosama 1 and 2, the so called Twin Comets, were crashed into the poles. Between the released gasses and the dust, the planet cooled, then warmed a bit. This allowed the introduction of bioengineered algae & grasses, plus worms and other soil dwelling creatures. Some decades later came other plants and animals, as well as vast amounts of water from the Jovian moons.”

Eventually, the Great Mirrors were finished and the average daytime temperature on Mars rose to about 60 degrees. At this point, humans and many other higher life forms were placed on the planet. This included Dwarf Rabbits. At first, all went well. Due to the still thin atmosphere, most humans lived in domes. Outside, animals adapted as though they were living on mountains here on Earth. Everything seemed to be going well. Sadly, that was not the truth.”

We may never know what raised the intelligence of the bunnies, but they are at least as smart as we are. Unbeknown to humans, they bred in large numbers in secret and somehow caused other animals to become smarter, though never as smart as they are. Eventually, they made themselves known to the humans and, after a short but bloody conflict, chased all humans off of Mars. In the rush to leave, however, the humans forgot to destroy the Robot Creation Center.”

Naturally, we humans would have none of that and began building up a military response. A month before it was due to launch, the robot fleet arrived and destroyed it. The Bunny Queen then broadcast a message saying “Stay away from Mars or humans will die in the billions. You are not ready to associate with us yet.” That was all that was said in public and a week later, the World Council declared Mars off limits except for Very Long Range Observation.”

That was 50 years ago and aside from knowing that the Bunnies have built huge cities, canals, a spaceport and a small artificial moon, we have no idea what they are up to.”