My Life Among The Women Who Are Smarter Than I Am

…which is pretty much all of them.

The Doclopedia #661

Dangerous Animals!: Budgies!

This is station KDOG broadcasting out of Henryville, Nebraska. We’ve rigged our station to broadcast at 500,000 watts, but we don’t know how long it will last. The power keeps the Budgies away from the transmitter tower, but they’re all around our building and we can’t escape. This broadcast is meant to aid survivors.”

You must go as far north as you can. Autumn is coming and the Budgies shouldn’t be able to handle extreme cold. Take as much food and other supplies as possible. Use the largest vehicles you can find. The budgies are now the size of large eagles and they can drop two pound rocks through your windshield, so be sure to protect all the glass on your cars. We’ve heard that they can pry open car doors with their beaks, so arm yourselves!”

Military reports say that Australia, original home of budgerigars, is devoid of human life and that the Budgies there are nearly man sized. No word has come from anybody west of the Rockies in three weeks. Reports out of Europe, Asia, Africa and South America tell of massive deaths and panic, as well as starvation.”

Do not listen to the Budgies speak! Doing so will drive you insane! Use earplugs or headphones to block them out. Above all, stay alert for Budgie patrols! Keep watching the skies! Keep watching the skies!”

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The Doclopedia #662

Dangerous Animals!: Guinea Pigs!

Dear Connie,

I hope this message finds you. It was pure luck that I found the drain pipe that leads to the river.

The experiments never stop. A constant steam of people enter this facility and more than half of them only leave to go to the crematorium. Medical experiments, psychological experiments, survival experiments…you can’t imagine it. On the one hand, I’m glad my disabilities caused them to make me a janitor. On the other, I don’t know how much longer I can watch this and still remain sane.

Recently, I’ve seen mice, rabbits, hamsters and many other animals around here. The kinds of animals we used to experiment on. I think the Guinea Pigs have found a way to pass on their mutant DNA. If that’s true, it means even more genius level animals will be experimenting on us.

I must go now. If this reaches you, know that I love you with all my heart and hope you can stay safe. If they come for you, don’t let them take you. Use the pistol in the closet. Don’t let them take you.

Love, 

Dan

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