Not In This Issue: The Color Green, Shotguns and Protoceratops

…but we do have purple, derringers and a very nice hadrosaur

The Doclopedia #752

 Alt. Most Wanted: Doctor Dumoire

The vile miscreant known as Doctor Dumoire is wanted for crimes against humanity, unsanctioned experimentation on human beings, transplantation of human intellect into machines, criminal robotics, murder, robbery, theft, treason, inciting riots, arson, forgery, escape from custody, blackmail and 34 other offenses. And that’s just in England. In his native France, the list is much longer. In Germany, the United States and 21 other countries, there is a one million dollar reward to anybody who shoots him dead.

Doctor Dumoire is 5’10” tall, has thinning black hair, one brown eye and one green eye, walks with a slight limp and often wears clothing of a style & fashion from 30-50 years in the past. He is accompanied by his faithful servants Marcel & Denise, as well as his large diesel powered ape, Doro.

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The Doclopedia #753

Alt. Most Wanted: Sunlight Glitterdown

Sunlight Glitterdown is a thief who steals pollen cakes, rain ale, spinny wheels and other things. When other faeries are doing good work, he throws mud at them and says rude things. He is a big poop! If you see him, you should pelt him with sleepydust until he falls down, then drag him to the Cage of Shame. He is naughty…very very naughty.

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I Was An Undercover Gardener For The FBI

…i helped capture many Communist shrubs and flowers

 

The Doclopedia #749

Alt. Most Wanted: Kookie Calabrese

Calling all cars! Calling all cars! Subject Kookie Calabrese has been spotted in the financial district. Subject is in the process of painting all of the banks pink while his gang loots them. Be on the lookout for trained monkeys. Monkeys are armed with glue guns and sneeze gas bombs. Also, be aware that many civilians are gathered nearby watching. Subject Kookie Calabrese is wanted for 112 counts of vandalism, 19 counts of robbery, 34 counts of assault on a police officer and 3 counts of arson. Proceed with caution. That is all.

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The Doclopedia #750

Alt. Most Wanted: The Doovmox

We interrupt this entertainment to advise all sentients that The Doovmox has escaped incarceration in the Tower of Hopeful Redemption and is now loose in the city. Our Beloved Protectors are at this time unable to track The Doovmox and are requesting that all righteous sentients report any sightings or interactions with The Doovmox.

Until the eventual capture of The Doovmox, you are instructed to keep your heens and cloobs indoors and secure. If you are of the Anticipator or Relaxer faiths, you should dress in pastel colored jidbars and go with all haste to your nearest pyramid. It is also advised that all robots of Level 4 or below be put into rest mode until The Doovmox is captured.

We now return to the previous entertainment.

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The Doclopedia #751

Alt. Most Wanted: Dr. Fushi Sakama

The World Science Authority hereby issues a warrant for the return, alive if possible, dead if necessary, of Dr. Fushi Sakama, mad genius and notorious creator of kaiju monsters. Sakama has been behind the attacks on Japan, China, the west coasts of the United States & Chile and the north and east of Australia. His monsters include the huge reptile/cat Domoru, the giant twin bear/crabs Tamba & Eki, the enormous rat/dragon Yushira and the towering duck/gorilla Kroda. More, as yet unnamed monsters have been sighted heading for Southeast Asia, India, Africa, Europe and the east coasts of North & South America.

It is believed that Sakama is hiding out on an island somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. If he has been joined by his old friend, Dr. Henry Sutton, the island may be guarded by octomen, fungus women, cat people and lizard people. Be careful around these deadly creatures!

Dr. Sakama has stated in the past that he wishes to create a 1,000 foot tall man/demon/skunk/lizard creature called Hetura. If he manages to do this, the world will be doomed. All military forces worldwide are now ordered to find Dr. Sakama and destroy his island and all his creatures!

Doc Tempest And The Monster Dog

…from the February, 1962 issue

The Doclopedia #747

Alt. Most Wanted: Greydon “Mugs” Malone

Malone is wanted for armed robbery, burglary, assault, assault with a deadly weapon, attempted murder, murder, trafficking in drugs & stolen goods and smuggling. He is armed and very dangerous.

Malone is 6’2” tall, weighs 230 pounds, has short brown hair, brown eyes and pale skin covered in mutant blotches of brown and gray. His mutant ability is extreme stealth coupled with superhuman toughness. He often travels in large luxury cars with his girlfriend, Leticia Huerta, and his cousin, Harold “Snakey” Malone, another mutant.

Do not try to apprehend any of these people, but do immediately report them to local law enforcement or the FBI Mutant Hotline.

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The Doclopedia #748

Alt. Most Wanted: Smuldoff The Slayer

Be it known that at this time, the Council of Kings & Queens do hereby place a reward on the head of that villain and half Orc bastard known as Smuldoff the Slayer. Said reward will be a basket of gold equal to the weight of the claimant, sans clothing, armor & weapons. Claimant may present the intact body or the identifiable head of Smuldoff as proof. All citizens, regardless of standing, may claim this reward.

Smuldoff the Slayer and his band of thugs were last seen pillaging the coastal village of Druby-On-The- Sea, but are now thought to be somewhere in the Blackwood. It should be noted that Smuldoff is of late being aided by the Wizard Restovel and possibly the Dark Cleric known as Sister Sazik. Rewards for either of them shall be twice again the size of the reward for Smuldoff.

Blue Beanies For Blue Meanies

…because we ran out of red beanies

 

The Doclopedia #746

Fiction Snippets: Holmes Is Where The Heart Is

My second thought, as I stood there looking at the nervous little guy, was one of great sympathy. The whole pre-pubescent young love thing was one on those terrifying first stumbles towards adulthood that was terrifying when it hit you.

My first thought was that I would not go through it again for all the money in the world. My inner 11 year old still got the shakes thinking about asking Katie Connelly to that damned school Christmas party.

“What if she doesn’t want to talk to me?”, he asked, looking as though he might bolt any second. “What if she laughs in my face?”

Time for my Dad Voice, modified for a boy instead of my three daughters. “Look, Sherlock, we have already established that she likes you. She will want to talk to you and she won’t laugh at you. In fact, I’m willing to bet that young Miss Lattersham will hang on your every word. You have nothing to fear.”

He fixed me with that cold analytical stare of his and said, “You know, it is bloody unfair that you know how this will turn out and won’t share it with me.”

Time for a bit of lying. “Actually, I don’t know all of the details. I just know that you need to go talk to her and that you won’t come off as a big goob.”

“Goob? Is that some American slang term from the future?”

Oops! Another mistake made. “Well, yes it is. But don’t worry about that. You have a pretty young lass to go talk to.”

He looked nervous again. It didn’t sit well on his face, being nervous. His face just wasn’t made for it.

“Besides, Sherlock, you like mysteries, right? You love searching out the truth, right? Well right over there is one of the greatest of mysteries a man will ever face: a woman.”

He looked less nervous now. There was a challenge to his mind sitting over on that bench and I knew he was taking the bait. He turned towards her and took a deep breath before he started walking. Then he stopped and looked back at me.

“Any last bit of advice?”, he asked hopefully.

“Yes. Listen to everything she has to say as though it were the most fascinating thing you’ve ever heard. Works every time.”

He nodded slowly and then walked over to where she sat. All I could think of was what the 40 year old Sherlock had told me as we sat on his porch in San Francisco that day in 1890.

“It was that moment, old friend, at which I knew that I would fear few things in my life as much. Honestly, compared to that moment and a few in puberty, all of the murderers and madmen I’ve faced have been a stroll in the park.”

George, The Meanest Turkey On Earth

…he once trapped a family of six in a Volkswagen Beetle. True story.

 

The Doclopedia #745

Fiction Snippets: Dungeon Diary #2

Amella had no sooner picked the lock than the door burst open and out poured a half dozen of the same Mother forsaken flesh golems that we had battled in the Basket Room. Fortunately, Amella was able to jump out of the way of the door and then leap onto the back of the biggest golem, where she proceeded to start stabbing away with her favorite daggers.

Shen hit one golem with a Shaft of Fire spell, which took it’s lower right arm off, but only slowed it down a bit. I’m not sure what her next spell was, since I was busy using my Blessed Mace of Smashing to kneecap the golem nearest me.

I did see Halana & Kreta tear into two other golems, one of which manages to punch Halana in the face. That was a very bad move, because our big barbarian woman really hates getting punched. She used her hand axes to chop that golems head off, then remove his limbs from his torso. As she would point out later, a headless, limbless golem was a good golem.

As is her style, Kreta kept up a running stream of taunts towards the golems as she battered the one nearest her with that hammer of hers. I’m pretty sure she left no bones unbroken.

You may have noticed, diary, that I only mentioned us attacking 5 of the 6 flesh golems. That’s because the sixth and smallest one just stopped and wasn’t attacking any of us. All of them were dressed in raggedy old pants, but this one also seemed to be wearing a raggedy old shirts. He didn’t look any smarter than the rest and he was sure less aggressive, so we pretty much decided to leave him for last.

As the final golem fell and we turned towards the little guy, he reached into his pockets and removed a couple of handfuls of dust. As he let it fall from his hands onto the other golems, they began to…well, melt is the best word I can think of to describe it. That was not good and it got much less good when the golem ooze started flowing towards the little guy.

As the ooze touched hum, he began to grow and change. I said a Prayer of Nullification, but whatever magic was going on was unaffected by it. Shen cast a spell of Disruption, but it was also ineffective. Whatever magic has been cast upon that dust by the creator of these golems, it was very powerful stuff.

Within about 2 minutes, the little golem was 12 feet tall, seriously muscular and had four arms. It also had a second face on the back of it’s head and long sharp teeth in both mouths. I prayed for guidance from the Mother. Halana, Kreta and Amella all uttered heartfelt obscenities. Shen just said “Well this isn’t going to be fun.

Oh, diary, how right she was!

For Sale: Brand New “For Sale” Sign

…and it’s on sale!

 

The next few Doclopedia entries are short snippets from fiction pieces I have in the works. Some are short stories and others are much longer. A couple will be recognizable to long time readers of this blog. Enjoy, and please do comment.

 

The Doclopedia #744

Fiction Snippets: The Hot Job

Spider had just turned on the TV and was about to settle into watching the Giants play the Dodgers when the phone rang. Before he could even get a “hello” out, he heard Billie saying, “He’s bored. Totally Sherlocked out. No fun from him. You need to get over there fast.”

As the cold knot of fear filled up his stomach, he asked a couple of questions and found out that Billie was not going to stick around and, thankfully, the Kid had not turned to any of his usual forms of boredom relief…yet. Thank goodness for that. Last time this had happened, the Kid had walked halfway to another city and had gotten in at least three fights along the way.

For the average driver, it was a 20 minute trip from Spider’s house to the California Kid’s apartment, but Spider was highly motivated and so made it there in 11 minutes flat. The black door of the Kid’s apartment stood there like a warning. “Do Not Enter! Madness, Danger and Temptation Await.” It was the danger that had Spider’s guts frozen and the temptation that had some insane part of his brain waking up. The madness he was used to by now. The Kid was, by his own admission, pretty much incapable of thinking about things like an ordinary person might. Normally, this was cool and made him fun to hang with, but when he got bored, his brain went to all sorts of dangerous places. At those times, he came up with plans that could easily lead to a long stretch of incarceration for a professional thief like Spider.

He didn’t bother to knock as he stepped through the door. Oh yeah, the Kid was in deep this time. The apartment was spotless, which means that he had gone through at least one fit of manic cleaning. Christ, you could eat off that floor and Spider noticed that the extensive spice rack had been alphabetized. Of course, that frenzy of activity had passed hours or days ago and now it was Moping Time.

The California Kid was sprawled out in his big overstuffed armchair, his feet propped up on a ottoman that was upholstered in a zebra striped pattern. His eyes were fixed on the television across the room, on which a classic horror film played. His hair was unwashed and Spider guessed he hadn’t bathed in a few days. He had on cutoff jeans and a Grateful Dead concert t-shirt. As was the case 90% of the time, the Kid wore no shoes. The Kid hated to wear shoes.

“Billie called you. Knew she would. I need tea.” He never even looked towards Spider.

Spider went to the fridge and reached for a gallon of the herbal tea that the Kid drank constantly when these moods hit him. When he wasn’t bored, he drank regular tea, but when “his nemesis” hit him, drinking enormous quantities of caffeine was counterproductive to his thinking process. Alcohol was out of the question as were drugs, a point at which the Kid diverged from his fictional hero. Not that the Kid didn’t use the odd recreational drug now and then, but only when he was clear headed and in good spirits.

Handing over the gallon jug and noticing the six empties on the kitchen table, Spider watched at the Kid hooked the jug up to his “tea IV”, a long bit of flexible tubing that allowed him to drink his tea at a steady rate from anywhere in the room. Not that he had probably moved for hours. Spider had once watched the Kid as he sat thinking through the plan for a third story apartment job. Aside from swallowing every few seconds, the Kid had not so much as twitched in two hours. Guy must have a bladder the size of Detroit.

“Well, best to get this ball rolling”, Spider thought as he moved Herbie the cat off the other chair in the room. Being a pretty mellow cat, Herbie just jumped up on Couch #1 (the Kid had three) and laid down next to Velma, the other cat. Across the room on Couch #2, Leon & Joe, the house rabbits, were asleep.

As Spider sat down, the Kid spoke again.

“I’m bored and it is entirely your fault. The jobs you’ve chosen to do these last three months have been textbook examples of timidity. My talents were wasted even thinking about them.” He took a long pull of tea and gave Spider a withering stare. “Tonight, we’ll discuss how best we can remedy this injustice.”

Who the fuck talks like that, Spider thought. Oh, yeah, the California Kid does when he’s channeling Sherlock Holmes. “As I recall,” Spider said, “we hauled in an average of ten grand per job…”

“Ten six, actually.”, the Kid interjected.

“…of which you got ten percent each time.” Spider ignored the interruption. It was par for the course.

The Kid barked a humorless laugh. “Money! Fuck money! I have just over twenty grand right here in this room! What difference does money make when I…AM…FUCKING…BORED? “

Spider knew better than to argue with him when he was this bad. Hell, the Kid, always a big fan of sexual congress with willing ladies, had not even bothered to speak to Billie, who had come over to see him primarily to get seriously laid. No, best to just come out and say it, even though his guts screamed no and that evil part of his brain was trying to get him to lay his neck on a chopping block.

“So,” he asked, “what the fuck do you want ME to do about YOUR boredom, Holmes?”

The Kid stared at him for a couple of seconds and then that mad twinkle came into his eyes and he smiled. “I want you to look at this.”

He placed a notebook on the coffee table in front of Spider. On the cover was written “The Jervison Job”. Spider felt the war between brain and guts ratchet up to a nuclear standoff. He had not yet opened the notebook.

“As in Walter Jervison? U.S. Senator Walter motherfucking Jervison? Senator “Best Friend The Police Ever Had” Jervison? Oh fuck no, Kid! Not a motherfucking chance in hell! You’ve gone off the deep end at last. NO. FUCKING. WAY!”

The Kid looked at him and smiled. Spider hated it when he smiled like that, because it meant that the Kid had thought about it for enough time to have many of the hitches ironed out. Please, please, don’t let him have any good intel to go with it.

“But Spider, I have a most excellent plan and I have juicy intel from Tony. It will be highly profitable…six figures easily…and incredibly fun.” The Kid looked like a hungry dog whose owner had gone outside without putting away the pot roast.

Inside Spider, his guts were at Absolute Zero, but his brain was getting a boner just thinking of a six figure job. Truth to tell, the Kid was right about the recent burglaries and thefts the crew had pulled. They had all been dead easy. Hell, that last warehouse might as well have been unlocked with a big red carpet. He sighed, knowing he was about to screw himself in some way.

“Ok, Kid, tell me all about it”, he half whispered. “But if it’s too risky…and ripping off the home of a fucking U.S. Senator will be…we drop it and come up with something else, ok?”

The Kid’s smile moved up a few notches to that of a wolf finding a flock of sleeping sheep. He leaned back in his chair and his previous tension slipped away. From a box next to the chair, he grabbed a handful of malted milk balls and popped one into his mouth.

“Of course, old friend. If you say no, the idea will melt away and be forgotten. We’ll think up some nice little heist on a rich yuppie who lives way out in the country. Now, two important facts about the Jervison job: The haul will be right around 400 grand and the job will be a hot one, during the good Senator’s annual Christmas party.”

As his paralyzing fear left the room with his common sense, Spider knew he was being totally screwed by his greed and his love of a challenge. Score: California Kid 1, Spider 0.

“Go on, tell me more, Kid.”

Hypnotic Arugula Seduced My Patty Pan Squash

…now I’ve got a garden full of little patty pan arugulas.

 

The Doclopedia #742

Cool Hats: The Stetson of Spells

If you are a modern mage, you know that it’s damned hard to hold more that half a dozen spells at a time in your mind. This can be seriously bad if you find yourself in a situation where an extra spell or two would save your life.

Well, if you are very lucky, you might just find this good looking cowboy hat. Or it might find you, we aren’t 100% sure how it works. At any rate, if you wear this hat, you can have up to twenty extra spells at your disposal, plus the mana needed to cast them! How cool is that?

You’ll also find that the hat is nearly impervious to harm and never gets dirty. Rumors that the hat can communicate via telepathy with the wearer, and is in fact a genius, have never been proven.

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The Doclopedia #743

Cool Hats: The Propeller Beanie Of Dimensional Travel

If you are a geek of any sort, you can wear and use this yellow and green beanie to travel to other dimensions. These dimensions will all be familiar, since they are dimensions where magic works or humans have gone out into the stars or giant kaiju destroy Japan every other week or superheroes & supervillains do the same thing to New York City.

This probably sounds like fun, right? Unfortunately, you can’t choose the world you go to and you must stary in each world at least 6 hours. You also don’t get any cool powers, although you can use devices found in the particular world. No, these devices will not travel home or to the next dimension with you.