…co-starring her pet water buffalo, Cathy
The Doclopedia #677
Alt. Olympic Events: 500 Meter Dog Poop Dodge
This sport has been around since the late 19th Century, when dogs became popular as nonworking pets. It seems to have developed in most major American and European cities, then over the decades spread to other parts of the world, especially suburban lawns.
The track is 60 meters wide and 500 meters long. It is made up of areas of short grass, longer grass, gravel, wood chip mulch, very weedy grass and thin clay mud. 20 minutes before the first race, several hundred dogs that have been holding it in for hours are turned loose on the track. They are evenly divided up on the 10 racing lanes and allowed to answer nature’s call. Varying sizes of dogs, from Yorkies to Mastiffs, are used in the mix and they are fed a wide variety of foods so as to alter the color of their poop.
The race rules are simple: get to the end of the track first with the least amount of poop on your shoes. While sounding simple, this sport requires excellent vision, near gymnastic foot placement and excellent balance. The great Russian Poop Dodger, Sergei Takaroff, ended his career at the 1998 Olympics when he slipped in a pile of Labrador Retriever poop and went down on his back.
Besides scoring by time, points are deducted for the number of times poop was stepped in. Getting the length of the track without any poop on your shoes is worth 20 bonus points.
At the 2012 Summer Olympics, look for Great Britain and the USA to dominate in this sport, but also keep an eye on the up and coming young Poop Dodgers from Japan and Brazil.
The Doclopedia #678
Alt. Olympic Events: Freestyle Sex Marathon
Always an exciting and popular event, this sport has changed somewhat since it was first introduced at the 1968 Summer Olympics in Paris. Back then, it was strictly 1 man and 1 woman striving to have sex the most times before the man could no longer achieve an erection in under 5 minutes. A young person’s sport to be sure, the French, Italians and Americans won that year with impressive times of 2 hours/23 minutes, 2 hours/16 minutes and 2 hours/12 minutes respectively.
In later years, the Gay, Lesbian, Transgendered and Threesome classes were added, despite the protests of most major religions. Each class has different rules and scoring and all teams compete at the same time in a huge arena. Each performance area is set up to represent a typical 1 bedroom, 1 bath home, including standard furnishings and appliances. Points are given not only for duration, but creativity and positioning. 3 minute bathroom breaks are given every 45 minutes. Use of sex toys is restricted to the first 15 minutes of competition. All sexual acts are accepted. Use of lube is not penalized and is, in fact, a must. Professional sex workers are not allowed to compete.
In the 2008 Olympics, the gold in the Straight event went to the South Koreans, who managed a record breaking 3 hours/39 minutes while utilizing all of the horizontal and 60% of the vertical areas in their “house”. The gold in the Lesbian event went to two women from Tulsa, Oklahoma, while the gold in the Gay was won by the team from Los Angeles. Transgendered gold was claimed by the Thailand team and the Threesome gold went to USA (two men, one woman) and France (two women, one man).
In 2012, expect gold for the USA in Gay, Lesbian and Threesome events. The Straight gold is up for grabs, with China being a heavy favorite in prelims. Transgendered looks to be a three way slugfest between Thailand, Brazil and India.
The Doclopedia #679
Alt. Olympic Events: Spurgle Kicking
One of the most beloved sports on Venus will be an official event at the 2456 Olympics, to be held on Colony Zeta. Teams from Earth, Venus, Mars, Luna and Colonies Beta, Epsilon and Gamma will compete to see who can score the most goals before the Spurgle awakens from hibernation and begins attacking with venomous fangs & claws. Played on a standard size soccer field, the game lasts for 5 minutes after the Spurgle awakens. The team with the most goals wins, unless enough points are deducted for injuries to allow the next highest scoring team to win. Each goal is worth 3 points and there are no time outs allowed. Once the Spurgle awakens, it must be avoided in any manner that does not put a player out of bounds. Kicking an awakened and pissed off Spurgle for a goal is worth 9 points and has only been done 7 times in the 125 year history of the game.
Actual deaths from Spurgle venom is rare, since plenty of antidote is available.
This year, look to the North Venusians to win the gold, but expect the South Venusians and the Betans to fight it out for Silver and Bronze.