Degenerate Shopkeepers Demoralized My Walking Catfish

…now they don’t walk. They just lay around and mope.

 

The Doclopedia #680

Alt. Olympic Events: Zombie Triathlon

This popular, but deadly dangerous, event is always a television ratings grabber. The premise is simple: 12 individual competitors from 12 nations collect ten of their countries flags randomly placed in a 1 square kilometer area infested by the three types of Zombies. There are 60 Fast Zombies, 250 Slow Zombies and 25 Smart Zombies. The field is set up to resemble a ravaged suburban area of mixed residential, business and light manufacturing. No weapons or armor are taken into the field, but anything inside can be used to fend off or kill Zombies. Points for killing Zombies are: Fast: 20, Slow: 10, Smart: 40. Flags are worth 25 points each. Speed is not scored as the contest only lasts exactly 3 hours. Injuries do not count against final scores.

Look for the Russians, Americans and Australians to dominate this event.

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The Doclopedia #681

Alt. Olympic Events: Drunken Bicycling

Always the funniest Olympic event, this one is simple: Competitors are given alcohol until they are quite shitfaced, then given a standard cruiser bicycle and told to peddle through urban streets for 5 kilometers until they arrive back at the pub from which they started. Deviations from the route are not pointed out, but of course do add time to the final score. Falling off the bike is normal. Falling off and passing out for more than 3 minutes will get the competitor removed from the race.

Although won by the British and Irish for decades, this year sees very strong teams from Germany, the USA, China and Sweden.

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