… from the Jan. 1966 issue
The Doclopedia #700
Mixing Magical Potions: Potion Of Shadowy Form + Potion Of Speed
It is an unfortunate fact that if these two potions are consumed within 4 hours of each other, the consumer will be teleported to the ninth level of Hell for a period of not less than 1 but not more than 3 days. Said poor S.O.B. will arrive butt naked and weaponless. Most who come back from this journey suffer from multiple phobias and a hatred of hot weather.
The Doclopedia #701
Mixing Magical Potions: Elixir Of Endurance + Elixir Of Persuasion
The Good News is that combining these two potions makes you irresistible to the opposite sex for 48 hours. The Bad News is that this means the opposite sex of ALL species, sentient or not. It’s no big deal to have your leg humped by an ant, but it’s quite another thing to have a horde of Ogres suddenly look at you with lust in their eyes.
The Doclopedia #702
Mixing Magical Potions: Potion Of Healing + Potion Of Protection From Cold
WARNING!: Never use these potions within 2 hours of each other! Doing so will turn you into a Magenta Slime, the most disgusting and hated creature ever, for at least a week. Hundreds of species, sentient and otherwise, kill Magenta Slimes on sight. Additionally, you will be able to eat and digest only feces, rotten flesh and the snot of Greater Demons.
DogCon 5, Trip Day 5
When my alarm went off at 7:00 this morning, I woke up in a zoo. Well, not really, but Grace had decided that the critters could sleep in our bedroom, so there were Abby & Bea snoozing on the floor, Lucy curled up on the loveseat, Flash sleeping on the pillow next to Grace and Sasha sleeping in between Grace & I. Normally, Flash is the only critter who sleeps in the bed with us, but Sasha would not be denied.
Sasha: I like being on the bed!
Flash: Did you know that you woof in your sleep?
Anyway, I got up and rousted our little menagerie with the promise of food, at which point we all headed for the kitchen. Once eating was done, I took everyone to the Meadow Room and left them there to do their business.
Abby: Once we were done, we frolicked a bit.
Bea: Yeah, we goats are big on frolicking.
Lucy: Dogs like frolicking, too!
Sasha: Yeah, we hella frolic!
Flash: I was too busy hunting mice.
When I got back to the kitchen, I found that Zach was there, so we started knocking out breakfast. At 7:45, I put “(Nothing But) Flowers” by Talking Heads on the intercom and announced that breakfast was mere minutes away. By 9:00, everyone was fed and washed and we were on our way to our first roadside attraction, the “House From The Sea”.
It was a short drive of 20 minutes to get there and you could really tell that this house had been built from stuff that had washed up on the beach about a mile away. The whole place is about the size of an ordinary 2 bedroom home, but made out of everything from old rowboats to fishing nets to assorted plastic doodads that fell off of cargo ships.
The tour, given by the owners, Mr & Mrs Henrik Heinneman, costs a buck per person, but the critters got to go for free. Mr & Mrs H were hippies back in the day (like many other roadside attraction creators seem to be) and, as Henrik put it, “decided not to let all of this shit go to waste.”
The place is cozy and pretty normal looking inside, but the back & front yard are just as gonzo looking as the house is. They do have a fantastic number of iris varieties in both yards and I bought a bunch of bulbs from Mrs H. we also bought a bunch of t-shirts and postcards.
Sasha: That place smelled really strange. Kind of like a pile of old wet lumber.
Lucy: Yeah, it did. I also smelled weed growing back up the hill.
Flash: Speaking of fun weeds, they had catnip growing in their garden!
Bea: Yeah, Flash, we know. Mom had to carry your goofy ass back to the bus.
Abby: Just say no to drugs, Flash.
Flash: Hahaha! You two ought to be on Comedy Central.
Back on the road, we drove another 45 minutes until we came to Fairy Woods. Judging from the near full parking lot, it’s a pretty popular place. It’s a five acre park done up with fairies & fairy stuff, both fairy sized and human sized. If you are thinking this is a little girl magnet, you are right. Since we had Doc Mystery’s little girl on board, we figured she’d like it. We weren’t wrong. Actually, we all liked it because its a well constructed park and the hand carved fairies (900 of them!) look great. We all wandered around the place for about an hour, then partook of some killer cookies before buying the usual swag.
Lucy: Not being allowed to go on this tour, we all stayed on the bus and played Diablo 3.
Abby: We kicked some ass, we did!
Flash: Yeah, and we also had the music cranking with some crazy house beats.
Sasha: And we ate a whole loaf of sourdough bread that Dad left out.
Bea: Shhh, Sasha! We might get in trouble.
When we got back to the bus, the critters had music blasting and were playing Diablo 3. There was also the small remnant of a bag that had once held a loaf of sourdough bread.
Sasha: Aw shit!
Since it was my bad for leaving the bread out, I just turned the music off, but let them keep playing the game.
Sasha: My luck holds! The Force is strong in young Sasha Jane!
Abby: Oh jeez!
Our next stop was The World Famous Redwood Balloon Tour. This is a totally cool helium balloon excursion that takes you straight up into the canopy of a small grove of ancient redwoods. It’s not cheap at $50.00 per person, 4 person minimum, but it is totally worth every penny. Grace, who is not a fan of going up in balloons, and Zach, who was feeling a bit under the weather, remained on the ground. The remaining 9 of us went up in two groups. First up was Avis, Sharon, Miranda and I.
The upper limbs of redwoods are complete ecosystems, with species totally unique to the various altitudes. Reptiles, amphibians, insects, molluscs, plants, fungi…all living up there and getting water from the fog that waters the redwoods every day. Everyone took hundreds of pix and asked bunches of questions. After it was all over, we bought copies of their book and bought t-shirts.
We stopped at a rest area to scarf some sandwiches, then I drove us to Eureka and both our final roadside stop and our days end. The roadside stop was “Parrot World”, a really big parrot breeding operation that, besides selling expensive parrots as companions, also breed rare species for sale to zoos and for restocking low wild populations.
They have dozens of species of cockatoos, macaws, conures, amazons and other types of parrots. They also have the best trained parrot show I’ve ever seen. Naturally, our critters were locked in the Meadow Room on the bus.
Flash: I’ll dream about tasty parrots tonight. They can’t take my dreams away!
Lucy: Yeah, well, I was ok with avoiding those big parrot beaks.
Sasha: I would have barked at them from a distance.
Lucy: Parrots can fly, sis.
One sweet little Rose Breasted Cockatoo really took a liking to Avis, but a $3,000 price tag and her cat, Leon, ruled out her getting an avian housemate. I caught Grace looking a bit too hard at a Hyacinth Macaw, that, while very tame and beautiful, was $7,000 and a clear violation of the Bedroom Accords that state there won’t be anymore pets. Thus, I was forced to put my foot down. Fortunately, Grace did not protest. I did let her buy several t-shirts and parrot fridge magnets, because, you know, I like the sex.
We are now at our stop for the night just south of Arcata. We’ve got pizza cooking in the brick oven (oh man, do I love this kitchen!) and movies waiting in the theater. Tonight our double feature will be “Mothra & Gamera Go To Paris” and “Giant Monster Attack: 1980!”. Gotta love those alternate world kaiju flicks.
Tomorrow, we continue up the coast into Oregon, where more roadside coolness awaits.
Radio Station: “Space Cowboys”, music from the wild west…of Mars
Destination Sign: Abbey Road