Chapter 204: In Which Our Hero, Traveling Under Cover Of Darkness And Fog, Seduces The French Queen And Then Steals Her Pig

…later, he and the pig shared some excellent wine


The Doclopedia #703

Mixing Magical Potions: Potion Of Polymorphing + Potion Of Animal Control

The mixing of these two potions will have very different effects depending upon the race/species of the consumer.

Humans: You will be able to control small mammals for up to an hour. Sadly, you will be polymorphed into a shrew for about a week.

Elves: Look forward to peeling skin, boils and the overwhelming urge to yell whenever you speak.

Dwarves: You will be polymorphed into a chicken, but you will be able to speak.

Halflings: All of your hair will fall out and you’ll turn orange.

Half Orcs: Expect to be polymorphed into some sort of living teddy bear.

Goblins: You’ll be changed into a puddle of goo.

Dragons: You’re internal heat source will rapidly heat up until you explode. The blast radius will be about half a mile.

Dogs & Cats: You will polymorph into a human for 24 hours. Sorry about that.



The Doclopedia #704

Mixing Magical Potions: Elixir Of Giant Strength + Potion Of Shrinking

Mixing these two potions has no ill effects, except that a few days after you mix them, you will begin shrinking or becoming terribly strong at random intervals. There will be no warning of this. These random effects will last about 10 days.



The Doclopedia #705

Mixing Magical Potions: Potion Of Fireproofing + Potion Of Bravery

This is a very bad pair to mix. Side effects can include duck feet, melting skin, ringing in your ears, monster attracting sweat, greasy hands, greatly enlarged nose, loudly popping joints, uncontrollable crying, random tentacles, flammable urine, sticky spit, exploding spleen, flexible teeth and bursting into song.




DogCon 5, Trip Day 6

(Gentle Readers: Please insert stuff here about waking up at 6:00 am to wife snoring in my ear and cat sleeping on my sweating neck. Add feeding & walking of critters, plus morning routine, etc, etc.)

So, at 9:30 we started driving up the highway towards Crescent City and, beyond that, the Oregon Coast. Once we got to Crescent City, we stopped for a bit of a walking tour and to see The World Famous Iron Colossus.

As the name tells you, this is a 110 foot tall statue of a man, or maybe a robot, built out of scrap iron. It took three years to build back in the 1970s and it still gets added to every so often. It’s actually pretty cool looking and since you can see it for free, they sell lots of stuff to make a buck for upkeep, since the sea air rusts the hell out of iron. We did our part to keep Old Rusty (his local nickname) in good shape.

Flash: Oh, Dad, think of the pet toys you could have bought with that money!

Abby: You have like, a million cat toys already, Flash.

Flash: Quiet, you!

The next few hours were spent driving, stopping for pix/videos, sightseeing and lunch. Lunch was great, by the way, being mostly a ton of Dungeness crabs. Around 2:00, we hit our second roadside stop, The Undersea Tube.

It’s one of those cool clear acrylic tubes that you find most often at aquariums or water parks, only this one extends 300 feet out into the ocean. For $20.00, you get on a sort of train thing that then goes down the tube and out under the sea. The guide, an oceanography student from the University of Oregon, pointed out all sorts of cool and sometimes goofy looking fish and sea mammals. And yes, we all sang “Under The Sea”. You stay down there for about 45 minutes and it is well worth your money. Afterward, you buy a bunch of stuff.

Sasha: Before the humans left, they put us in the Meadow Room, but they forgot to fully close the door…

Flash: Your bad, Mom!

Sasha: …so we decided to explore the Warehouse, which had the only other interesting open door.

Bea: I would have preferred the Greenhouse, but after the last time Abby & I visited there, Dad locks that place up tight.

Abby: Jeez, you eat a few daylilies and you’re a criminal.

Flash & Lucy: Welcome to our world.

Sasha: Anyway, that warehouse mostly has stuff in crates and boxes, but, umm, somebody managed to knock one over and have it bust open. Inside it were a bunch of old books, which didn’t even smell tasty to the goats.

Abby: Nope, too old for us.

Sasha: So, instead, we just played hide & seek, since the Warehouse is like, half a mile long and about a quarter mile wide.

Back at the bus we dumped our purchases and then went to check out much noise in the Warehouse. Grace loses 2 Wife/Mom points for not fully closing the Meadow Room door. The critters were mostly running around the Warehouse having fun, which is ok, but then I heard Avis calling my name and saying “You’ve got to see this!”

Holy Hamsters, it was a crate busted open and about 350 Doc Savage pulp magazines had spilled out. I think Doc Mystery and I both wept a bit, especially when we found out that these were alternate world pulps that continued the tales of Doc and his crew right up into the late 1950s. Even better, they were in near mint condition! We lovingly carried them to the library, then I fed the critters until they were ready to pop.

Lucy: WTF? Dad was feeding us steaks and stuff!

Bea: He pretty much dumped a whole garden in front of Abby & I.

Flash: Fish and more fish! Oh man!

Sasha: I don’t know what we did, but we did it well.

Another couple of hours on the road and we pulled into a state park near the beach. After dinner, there was beach walking, movie watching and, for some of us, pulp magazine reading.

Tomorrow: More of Oregon and then into Washington before heading east, then south.

Radio Station: “The Dr. Demento Channel

Destination Sign: Arrakis