Wombat Ranching Quarterly

…all the latest news for you wombat ranchers


The Doclopedia #709

We Haz MORE Technobabble!: Hypersonic Mental Neutralizer

So, let’s say most of the humans in your town/city/state/continent/planet go completely bugfuck insane one day. Could be any reason for it, but what can you do to stop these now crazed folks from fucking everything up? Why, you zap them with this handy device and before you know it, they’ll be as gentle as lambs. Yessir, this bit of high tech is like having an instant lobotomy team! Even better, if you set the beam for “wide angle”, you can zap hundreds of nutjobs at a time!



The Doclopedia #710

We Haz MORE Technobabble!: Dynamic Throbulation Unit With Artificial Reality Software

It’s an ultra-tech sex toy, ok? Jeez, you’d think the word “throbulation” would give it away! You climb inside it and the A.R. Software kicks in and pretty soon you’re on the road to Happyland. Can you believe we’ve had Trekkies or whatever the hell they were get pissed off because it wasn’t a real raygun or warp drive or some shit? Jeez!




DogCon 5, Trip Day 8

I woke up early…like, 5:00 am early…and decided to get the bus on the road after dealing with the critters, who basically peed, ate First Breakfast and went back to sleep.

Flash: Because, you know, 5:00 am!

After a fortifying bowl of Cap’n Crunch and an even more fortifying mug of tea, we were on the road by 6:15. It was a reasonably pleasant drive into Seattle and by the time we got there, everybody was waking up and cooking breakfast and stuff. Afterward, we went to GeekFest, a huge gathering of the tribe sponsored by Seattle, one of the geekiest cities in North America. There is gaming, tech stuff, comics stuff…pretty much everything geek. Including a big stage for music, which is where we were scheduled to do our Annual Musical Number at about 7:00 pm.

But before that, we all wandered around and checked the place out. We met many of our gamer friends who had taken time off from pre-GenCon activities to come see what musical madness we had planned for this year. We also had a great lunch and dinner with our friends from Green Ronin Publishing, who all got a look inside the Magic Bus. In fact, we thought a couple of them might not leave.

Sasha: Yeah, Miss Kate kinda wanted to explore some more. Also, she likes rubbing my tummy.

Lucy: Dad loaned Chris a bunch of alternate world WWII movies.

Abby: They had to pry Nicole out of the kitchen.

Bea: And they all liked the Slide Room.

Flash: They were nice folks, but they smelled of bunnies.

Sasha: Why do you think I was so friendly with them?

Abby: Umm, because you are a tummy rub slut?

Sasha: D’OH!

When the hour of our performance grew nigh, we all got into the bus and got costumed up. With Joe handling out chameleon circuit and our teleporting, we hit the stage. It went like this…

Announcer: “And now, an exclusive appearance by The All Doctor Kazoo Orchestra”

About 11,000 sets of eyes are on the stage when a blue police call box slowly materializes, complete with the TARDIS sound effects. You could actually hear jaws dropping, but they hadn’t seen anything yet.

Door on the police box opens…the Doctor Who theme starts up, played on kazoos that are being digitally messed with to sound somewhat less kazoo like.

From out of the police box, one at a time, come all 11 Doctors playing kazoos! Jaws drop, heads explode and I’d bet an eyeball that at least a few geeks orgasmed.

Note: To prevent arguments, our two youngest members were dressed as the Fourth (Lauren) and Tenth (Miranda) Doctors. I, by virtue of being old and having long greyish hair, was the First Doctor. The remainder were…

Second Doctor: Avis

Third Doctor: Brian (Doc Mystery)

Fifth Doctor: Caroline (Mrs. Doc M)

Sixth Doctor: Mary

Seventh Doctor: Sharon

Eighth Doctor (the “Movie Doctor”): Spike

Ninth Doctor: Zach

Eleventh Doctor: Grace

Oh, and the critters? K-9 (Sasha), 2 Daleks (Abby & Bea) and a Weeping Angel (Lucy & Flash), all wandering in a preset course around the stage eating pieces of kibble or goat chow.

As we finished the Doctor Who theme, there was a pause of about 3 seconds while the kazoos were readjusted, then we launched into “Crazy Train” by Ozzie Osbourne. As usual, Mary and I sang the lead with everyone joining in on the chorus. Those of us handling the kazoo-as-guitar parts (Spike & Zach) did a stellar job.

As we finished that number, we started up the Doctor Who theme again and went, one by one, back into the police box/bus. Once we shut the door, we teleported to the other side of a large building and looked like a bus again.

Later, watching the video of it all, we saw an avalanche of geeks hit the stage to try and figure out how we “pulled off the disappearing trick. When they saw there was no possible way we could have faked it, many more heads exploded. Spike thinks we may have started a new religion, too.

Once we were shed of costumery, I pulled the bus around to a pre-designated area and our Seattle based friends, numbering several dozen, came on board for a party that lasted until around 2:30 in the morning. It was a rockin’ good time and the booze, food and chocolate flowed freely. I finally staggered to bed at 3:30, about 10 minutes ago. I’ve programmed Data to drive us to our first roadside attraction of the day and I’ve set my alarm for 10 am.

More blogging later.

Radio Station: N/A

Destination Sign: A Club Down In Old SoHo