Pinball Lizard

…creepy looking, but he can sure play


The Doclopedia #711

We Haz MORE Technobabble!: Electronic Phase Warping Missile

It’s a missile that can phase right through armor…or buildings…or anything…then explode! Is that cool or what? I mean, you can shoot this bad boy right through a freakin’ mountain and it’s all “Hello, terrorist douchebags! BOOM!” and they’ll be like “WTF?” and shit! Oh sure, they cost about a billion dollars each, but think of the money you’ll save when you don’t have to shoot around things!



The Doclopedia #712

We Haz MORE Technobabble!: Microtronic Cellular Expansion Unit

Old way to make somebody into a giant: stimulate cellular reproduction so that they started growing uncontrollably. Side effects: acromegaly, heart not growing as fast as the rest of the body (which leads to not enough oxygen to the brain), strange mutations and on rare occasions, near invulnerability to harm.

New way to make somebody a giant: pop one of our microtronic units into them and just make the cells that have larger! No fuss, no muss! Warning: do not enlarge cells more than 10X so as to avoid having the subject collapse into a puddle of goo.




DogCon 5, Trip Day 9, Part 1

One of the good things about having a non-drinking bunch of traveling companions is that when you sleep in until 10 in the morning after a night of carousing with members of your tribe, they have breakfast and precious tea ready for you.

Flash: And they take care of your beloved pets.

Sasha: Including Mom and Sharon making us nice warm FOOOODDD FOOORRRR PETTTTTTSSSSS!

Bea: Oatmeal with sweet potato chunks! That’s what I’m talkin’ about!

Abby: And alfalfa pellet muffins!

Lucy: Let’s not forget the Milk Bones for afters!

Once I was done with eating and stuff, we left the bus to visit our first two roadside attractions of the day: The Mushroom House and the Glass Maze.

The Mushroom House looks like a huge mushroom, all red with yellow spots. It has 5 floors and, we were told, has 18,000 feet of floor space. In fact, the place is mostly set up as a hotel now, so you don’t get to see the whole joint. It’s still pretty cool though, because the mushroom theme is everywhere.

The really cool attraction is right next to the Mushroom House and it’s the Glass Maze. Yep, a 5 acre maze with 10 foot tall walls made of glass a foot thick. And not your nice clear glass, nope. These walls are made of old busted bottles & jars & other glass stuff that has been fused together at an old glass factory a few miles away. The factory cranks out 10′ X 30′ and 10′ X 10” slabs that are transported to the maze and then put into place. Glue holds one slab to the next and the maze is huge and complex. We wandered around for nearly an hour before Zach spotted the way out. It was lots of fun.

When we left the Glass Maze behind, we traveled on to Walla Walla and the Onion World Amusement Park, which we (Grace, Sharon & I) had visited two years ago. The park has had a big upgrade since then and we had a blast.

Flash: Meanwhile, back at Folsom Prison…I mean, on the bus…we were restricted to the Meadow Room.

Lucy: And we hadn’t even done anything wrong!

Abby: Yet.

Flash: Hush, goat!

We rode the Onion Coaster, the Walla Walla Whirlygigs and a bunch of other rides. Doc Mystery and Grace both won large plush onion characters (Walla Walla Wally) at an onion toss booth and we all ate burgers & onion rings for lunch. Later, we rode the “History of Washington Onions” ride, where you learn that Vidalia and Maui onions are not fit for proper folks to eat, but the Walla Walla onions will make you a happy and productive citizen and they may just improve your sex life, too.

Once we were pretty much onioned out, we got on the road to head towards Idaho. Imagine our surprise when, just 5 minutes from Onion World, we saw a huge billboard advertising “Uncle Ferdies All New Trained Squirrel Review” just 3 miles ahead. Even if I had not wanted to stop and check it out, I had a busload of folks who had heard the legendary story of our last visit and they demanded that we stop and see the show.

The new place looks good, with a big domed arena for the review and what looked like a mini prison for people to leave their pets in. That last part can be directly blamed on Flash & Lucy.

Flash: It’s a fair cop.

Lucy: Yeah, we did it and we’re glad we did it!

Sasha & Bea: Holy shit, you mean the story is true?

Abby: They hardly stopped talking about it during that whole trip.

Flash & Lucy: We are legend!

Despite Grace & Sharon arguing that we not only lock the critters on the bus, but perhaps clap Flash & Lucy in irons, I decided that Uncle Ferdie had thrown down a friggin’ gauntlet, so the critters went into the Supermax Pet Holding Area before we all went to see the show. Gone were the pimply faced teenage pet attendants. Now, there were steely faced ex-Marines armed with cattle prods and teargas guarding the place. There were 50 or 60 dogs, maybe 30 cats, a few pigs and even a couple of other goats inside. I left the critters there and joined the rest of the gang in the dome.

I should also point out that, if there had been betting on it, I gave the critters even odds versus the Marines. As you’ll see, I was way too conservative.

It cost us $10.00 each, but we all agreed that the 90 minute extravaganza was well worth it. There was dancing, acrobatics, reenactments of famous movie scenes, comedy bits and a rousing squirrel race. Uncle Ferdie and his wife have done a stellar job of training the 20 different species of squirrels & chipmunks they use in the review.

You’ll note that this year the show did not devolve into a cat & dog caused riot. Nope, everything went off just great. At the squirrel show, that is. Outside, things had a more…apocalyptic…look to them.

It seems that the squirrel review dumps out the dirty food dishes from the trained squirrel cages onto the asphalt behind the dome. This attracts rats, mice, squirrels and other rodents by the dozens.

Flash: We could smell ’em! Sweet Ceiling Cat, it was like being next door to a smorgasbord!

Lucy: We could all smell those furry little bastards!

Sasha: There were HUNDREDS of them!

Abby: You folks see where this is going, right?

Bea: Who are you talking to, Abby?

This naturally makes the pets a bit agitated, which the guards can normally control, but on this day, they had the added agitation of Flash, Lucy & Sasha. They also had the 6 trained dogs and 4 trained cats of “Professor Barkwell’s Magnificent Mutts & Clever Cats”, who, as it turned out, were trained just a bit too well.

Now, I’ve only pieced together a bit of what happened, and that was from a 6’4”, 300 pound ex-Marine who was crying like a baby, but I think…

Abby: No, Dad, I think we had better tell the story. We were there, after all.

Flash: Right, Abby. So, as soon as we could, Lucy and I started telling the other dogs & cats that there had to be a way out of this place. Turns out that most of them had heard of the Great Squirrel riot of 2010 and were pretty impressed that we were behind it.

Lucy: Yeah, they wanted all of the details. Those circus dogs & cats were amazed that just the two of us could get such a thing going.

Flash: Anyway, we all started thinking of an escape plan that would let us all go to Rodent-Fil-A. The big problem was those 4 guards. They were big tough looking guys & gals armed with weapons that could stun a moose.

Abby: Meanwhile, over in the livestock paddock, I warned everyone that the carnivores were going to do something stupid.

Bea: The goats agreed that this was a bad thing. The pigs, being omnivores, not so much.

Sasha: I came up with the diversion plan!

Lucy: Yes you did, sis, and it was a good one! She said that some of them could start a mock fight and the rest of us could take out the guards who came to stop it. Then one of the trained dogs, Moxie, said that he and his crew could take out the guard in the security cubicle that controls the door. The security cubicle that has no ceiling. Heh heh heh.

…from what he said and from the layout of the destruction, that there was a mass jailbreak that involved everyone except the goats, who pretty much walked out after the big breakout and then proceeded to eat tens of thousands of dollars worth of landscaping. I know the guard in the booth was terribly scratched up and had been badly tear gassed from her own canister. It also seems that the electronic controls shorted out when somebody peed on them.

Flash: The “fight” started with a huge wolfhound “attacking” a poor defenseless kitty. In fact, these two grew up together and had wrassled hundreds of times. It was the vicious growling and the Oscar worthy screeching that made it sound real. Almost immediately, several other dogs and cats joined in. I know is sounded terrible to the humans, but mostly they were laughing.

Lucy: As the guards came running, the rest of us tripped them up, joined by five pigs. They all fell down into well placed poop and all three of the guards got shocked by their own shock thingies. Flash was riding on my back as we jumped on one guard and ripped his shirt.

Sasha: Those six trained dogs ran over to the control booth and formed a pyramid. Then, the four trained cats ran up it and jumped over the glass walls into the booth. That poor guard never had a chance. After about a minute, the prison doors opened up.

Flash: By the way, folks, if you’ve never seen pigs curbstomp a human, that’s some rough shit!

Abby & Bea: Meanwhile, we goats waited for everyone else to clear out, then we went out looking for a bite to eat.

Flash: A “bite to eat”? HA! More like you chowed down on every expensive plant they had!

Abby: Hush, cat!

So, once the assorted animals were out of the pet penitentiary…

Lucy: Good one, Dad!

…they proceeded to go completely apeshit on the wild rodents, the landscaping and, well, everything. Holy crap, did they ever wreak havoc!

Sasha: Hey now, that dumpster only caught on fire because that goofyassed Airedale jumped into it with that shock stick doodad he got from that guard! He was lucky he didn’t get burned!

Flash: Yeah, and that truck full of septic tank pumpings that crashed through that fence and into that big pine tree would not have crashed if the dumbass driver had been looking at the road instead of us!

Lucy: And that fancy fountain only got filled with garbage and mud because…well, ok, that was us. But…well shit, a dog/cat/pig has a right to cool off after a rousing rodent chase and/or lawn rooting episode. Am I right?

Sasha: Damn right! Also, the goats climbed up on that guys Maserati convertible and crunched in his roof and fucked up his paint job..

Abby: Yeah, we did, but who knew such an expensive car would have such a weenie roof? We could have hurt ourselves!

Bea: I kinda felt sorry for that guy. He was crying like a baby as his trophy wife picked goat poop out of the seats.

Shit was on fire and covered in raw sewage and there was garbage all over and several cars were messed up or full of panicky rodents…it was kind of cool and horrific and surreal.

Thinking quickly, I stunned our critters via the keychain doodad and we gathered them up and beat a hasty retreat to the bus, which I quickly made look like a 2005 Honda Element. We locked everybody down tight and then some of us humans went out to help as best we could and find out about what happened.

All animals got rounded up pretty easily, none of the guards were hurt too bad, although a couple had pig footprints all over them and no innocent bystanders got hurt. Fortunately, Uncle Ferdie did not come out to survey the damage while we were there. I feel so sorry for him. From now on, I think we’ll just order his videos from Amazon.

Flash: It happened again! One moment, I’m about to pounce on a pigeon, the next, I’m waking up in the joint!

Lucy: What the hell, dude? I mean, the robots were nowhere near us!

Sasha: Unless they have cloaking devices. Do the SmartBots have that kind of shit?

Abby: They must! How else can you explain it?

Bea: Man, have you seen the look on Mom’s face? I’m glad we are locked up,

Flash: Yeah, she does look pretty pissed off.

We left just as the local law enforcement arrived. For good measure, I had Joe teleport us 50 miles ahead and across the state line into Oregon. The critters are on lockdown until Grace calms down or hell freezes over, whichever comes first. Also, I have been given the “you should probably not say any words for awhile” look, so I’m just up here in the Ralph Kramden seat driving this bus.

More bloggage later.

Sasha: Anybody got a harmonica? If so, play along. “Nobody knows the troubles I’ve seen! Nobody knows but the Lord!”

Radio Station: “The World War V Channel” featuring songs and news clips from that era.

Destination Sign: Solla Sollew



DogCon 5, Trip Day 9, Part 2

It is now going on midnight and we are in a campground in Oregon. Tomorrow, we are off across northern Oregon, Southern Idaho and into Wyoming before we turn south for the drive through Colorado, New Mexico & Texas.

The critter were finally paroled (and bathed) after dinner tonight. They all seemed remorseful, if not rehabilitated. Even as I write this, Flash is sleeping next to Grace in our bed. Sasha is sleeping with Miranda & Lauren, Lucy is sleeping in Zach’s room and Abby & Bea are sleeping in their little goat beds in the living room.

We have a few interesting stops tomorrow, most notably Potato World in Idaho, which is the tuberous version of Onion World. I am reliably informed that Grace has requested high tech leashes & harnesses from Joe, just in case she decides that “my” pets can leave the bus.

I’m off to bed now. I’ll blog more tomorrow.

Radio Station: “The Relaxation Channel” featuring relaxing background sounds.

 Destination Sign: The House On Haunted Hill