…they hover just out of arm’s reach, giggling and eating berries
The following Doclopedia entries are part of a new theme with three entries that link people, places & things. I hope you like it.
The Doclopedia #715
Threesomes!: Falit The Monkey
Falit gur Samkali, known to both the criminal underworld and the Caliph’s Enforcers of Order as Falit the Monkey, is the most successful burglar in all the land. His climbing and acrobatic ability are as legendary as his boldness. Falit has pulled off several of his greatest burglaries, including the theft of the Golden Camel of Jekhar, in broad daylight. The reward for his head , and that is quite literal, is half a person’s body weight in gold. If he were not such a good burglar, the Family of Thieves might have already collected that reward.
Despite being a carefree wandering soul, Falit does have one thing in his life that is tempting him more every day to settle down and go straight: his great love for…
The Doclopedia #716
Threesomes!: Zormina tar Ozal
…the beautiful and intelligent Zormina tar Ozal, whom he met when he climbed in her window one night. Zormina was sitting up in bed reading an old text on the subject of woodcarving when this young and handsome man came through the window. She gave a small “eek!” then threw the heavy volume at his head, missing by only an inch or so. Falit, ever the gentleman, apologized for violating her bedchambers and handed her back the book. He was about to leave when Zormina, in an impetuous moment, asked him to stay and tell her about the life of a burglar. He did so and that lead to many other nocturnal conversations and, ultimately, love.
Falit and Zormina have talked about going away and getting married many times. This will surely come to pass before long, once Falit makes a really big score on a burglary. The main thing that could stand in their way is…
The Doclopedia #717
Threesomes!: Walak gur Ozal
…Zormina’s father, the High Captain of the Enforcers of Order. You see, besides being a very protective father to his only daughter, he is also sworn to finding Falit the Monkey and removing Falit’s head from his body in a very public display of justice. In fact, if he knew of a way to execute the burglar more than once, he would.
A large, determined and brilliant man, Walak is closing in on Falit. Recently, he has stepped up pressure on the Family of Thieves and certain other known associates of the burglar. Once enough people agree to help him set a trap, Walak will spring it on the cunning lawbreaker and that will be the end of Falit the Monkey!
DogCon 5, Trip Day 11
Seeing as how we have a shitload of distance to cover in a day and a half, I scheduled Data to start driving the bus south starting at 3:00 am this morning. By the time I rolled out of bed at 8, we were halfway through Western Colorado and nearing our first fun stop of the day the World’s Largest Waterslide.
Folks, they were not kidding about that. This thing is FIVE MILES LONG! It’s made of clear Lexan tubing about 8 feet across and starts at the top of a big freakin’ mountain. The initial drop is 500 feet long and damned near vertical and gets you up to 70 miles an hour! On your five mile trip, you’ll go through corkscrews, hairpin turns, several smaller drops, a couple of detours out into open space and three loop dee loops! You’ll do most of this while whizzing through forests, rocky outcroppings and even underground tunnels, all face first on specially designed mats at never less than 50 miles an hour. It is just crazy cool.
With the notable and probably sane exceptions of Grace, Sharon and Avis, we all chose to pony up $20.00 each and wait in line for an hour to take the ride. There is a shuttle service that brings folks back up to their cars, but we didn’t need it, since Data drove the bus down to meet us.
It was insane fun! Also, for an extra $20.00, you can get a video of yourself that has footage from a helmet cam and continuous footage from their many security cams, which I opted for. Also, our non-sliding friends could watch the live stream from the the company website, which they did. I’m sure their commentary was amusing.
At the bottom of the hill, we all agreed that it was money well spent. Later, watching the video of me and Mary (you go down the slide two to a mat) shooting along like we were rocket propelled, we all agreed that Mary and I made enough noise for any 10 other humans.
Flash: That looked pretty cool, except for all that water. I mean, you can slide in the Slide Room all day and not get wet.
Sasha: Yeah, that slide looked too much like a high speed bath for me.
After our slide-a-thon, we all relaxed while Data drove us to out next stop, 200 miles southeast. The World Famous Giant Ship in a bottle is, in fact, a full sized replica of a Spanish galleon that was used in pirate movies back in the 1940’s. The much more interesting thing is how much planning and expertise it took to create the ginormous bottle it is in. It was done in one piece by a company in Oklahoma in 1963 and then hauled to Colorado by truck. The glass is 18 inches thick and in 1995 it was coated inside & out with a protective plastic coating. The ship was dismantled, then reassembled inside the bottle. Unfortunately, you cannot go inside the bottle, but you can take all the pictures you want from outside it. As you have probably guessed, we bought t-shirts, fridge magnets, bumper stickers, etc.
About 90 minutes after we left the ship in a bottle, we stopped for lunch at a place right on the Colorado/New Mexico border. They served Southwestern chow as well as burgers & such. We all chowed down and were just finishing when some big, possibly intoxicated, local doofus declared that he could eat any hot pepper known to man and he had $50.00 to back it up. Everybody in our party slowly turned to look at me. They knew that it was a throwdown I’d have to step up to.
The owner of the place said he had some hot peppers we could use, already roasted up and ready to go. Doofus & I plunked down our fifties and sat down to eat some heat. When we were asked what we wanted to drink, Doofus chose beer, but I chose heavy cream. The owner smiled and winked at my choice, knowing that milk products actually help reduce the effects of capsaicin.
We started off with a couple of jalapeno, which were nothing to a couple of chili heads. From there it just got hotter and hotter. By the time we ate the Scotch Bonnets, Doofus looked ready to burst into flame, my mouth was numb despite the cream and we were both sweating enough to relieve the local drought.
Then came the finale: Trinidad Moruga Scorpion chilis, the hottest peppers on Earth by an order of magnitude. We are talking 1.2 million Scoville units here, folks! Just smelling them nearly blinded me. They look like a Scotch Bonnet, only a bit wrinklier.
Doofus looked at his and I could see fear in his eyes. I had on my poker face, although both the entrance and exit ends of my gastrointestinal tract were screaming in fear.
The owner said, “On three, guys.”
I said, “You can back out now, dude”
Doofus said, “No way, hippie!”
When the owner got to three, we did the deed. The difference was, I took a bug drink of cream and then swallowed my pepper whole. This was not unlike swallowing basaltic lava, but had the advantage of being quick.
Doofus gave his two chews, looked like he had suddenly been given a vision of Hell, then spat it out and started gagging, coughing and drinking beer like a madman. I noticed all of this as I slammed down a full pint of heavy cream. After that, I kind of ignored the cheers of the crowd and concentrated on breathing and such. I did remember to grab my winnings.
Back on the bus, at the request of my traveling partners, I used copious amounts of mouthwash. I was also informed that if I even THOUGHT about burping or farting, I must run to the farthest part of the warehouse to do it. Or jump off the speeding bus, my choice.
Later, as we were getting near Taos, we saw a sign advertising Zeppelin Rides. Once again, this was something that we could not pass up. We continued on into town and saw more signs leading us to the airport, where we found…
…the motherfucking Hindenburg! Well, an exact replica, but still, it was there and it was huge and it was calling our names. There was a pretty long line and tickets were $50.00 each for an hour ride, but we were ok with that.
Sasha: Meanwhile, back on the bus, we critters were again locked up in the Meadow Room, but Dad had gotten Jot to create doors connecting it with the Shoe Room and The Slide Room, so we had plenty to do.
Flash: Of course, all the doors leading to other parts of the bus were locked up tight.
Lucy: Yeah, well, Mom is still threatening to trade us all in for some goldfish.
Abby: As if anybody would trade a couple of goldfish for you two hooligans.
Flash & Lucy: D’OH!
Bea: Hee hee hee!
The Zeppelin ride was so cool I’m surprised we didn’t suffer frostbite. There were snacks and drinks and the view of Taos from the air was spectacular. Brian, Spike and I kind of lamented the fact that their were no Nazis to fight with or heroes to help out.
Once our ride in the sky was done, I told Data to get us to Amarillo for dinner at the Big Texan Steak Ranch (a tradition on these trips, most years) for dinner by 7:00 pm. After that, we watched a couple of old movies. First came “Attack of the Snake Men” (1956) and then “Castle of Doom” (1938). Both of them were from the alternate world film library and both of them were pretty cheesy, with a few real scares tossed in.
We got to the Big Texan at seven on the dot, although Data informed me that he had found it necessary to hit a few cop cars with EMP blasts and change the appearance of the bus 16 times. I thanked him and then we all went in to eat a great dinner.
Abby: And we got tons of leftovers!
Lucy: Mmmmm…steak bones!
Afterward, there was game playing and sliding and some hot tubbing and other stuff before bed, all done as Data drove us across Texas towards our last roadside stop before getting to the con. It’s midnight now and as usual, I’m taking the critters for a bathroom break in the meadow before hitting the sack.
More blogging…including from Critter City and the con…tomorrow.
Radio Station: “The Wolfman Jack Show” This was coming from a world where it was 1965 and he was still broadcasting out of XERB just across the border in Mexico.
Destination Sign: Bedrock