Adventure Module Y-1: Attack Of The Gopher People

…the first of a trilogy

 

The Doclopedia #810

My Evil Twin: Edmund    (Edmund Metheny)

The Evil Twin of Edmund Metheny is Edmund Metheny, a humorless S.O.B. who fell trough an interdimensional rift into our universe. This dominating, cruel and heartless scumbag is the band of Edmund’s existence. In addition, Evil Twin Ed has no facial hair, hates playing any sort of games and thinks all things geeky suck. That really chaps Original Ed’s ass, so he has determined to get Evil Twin Ed out of the picture.

Step one of Ed’s plan is to get Evil Twin Ed involved in some criminal activity so he can end up going to prison. Step two will be to then smuggle an interdimensional rift opener into the prison and use it to send ETE back to his own reality, or at least one other than this one. Exactly where OE will get an interdimensional rift opener has not been determined yet.

Anyway, step one is going well, with certain gamer friends of OE having gotten ETE in on a scam selling property in a place called Katan. ETE is all for selling nonexistent vacation property to rubes if the money is right, which it sure enough is. What he doesn’t know is that his “business partners” have trashed their fake identities, put everything in his name and called the FBI in to bust his ass. Any day now, they’ll slap the cuffs on him.

Meanwhile, OE and his geek buddies think that they may know how to build an interdimensional rift opener, if they can just find a 1958 Cadillac, 34 microwave ovens and a life size statue of Elvis made completely out of copper.

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The Doclopedia #811

My Evil Twin: Lorac    (Carol Robinson)

Who could have guessed that Lorac the Unspeakable, one of the 5 Most Terribly Fearsome Wizards Of All Time (number four if you don’t count Ferzif The Half-Dead, and many didn’t) was the Evil (and in this case, Evil is not just a cute term) Twin of Carol Robinson, an typical suburban homeowner? Well, nobody could, really, especially Lorac and Carol.

So, when Lorac was banished to our world with only a tiny fraction of her normal magical powers, She was really pissed off. Finding out that the version of her that lived here was, in Lorac’s words, “a powerless nobody”, only pissed her off more. In fact, it pissed her off enough that she cast the Spell of Proximity Cancellation. That spell causes Carol to disappear if Lorac gets within 100 miles of her. Fortunately, she reappears somewhere else outside the100 mile zone, but it’s a huge pain in the ass to deal with and if Lorac hangs around, Carol has to find a place to stay for the duration.

One bright side to Carol’s plight is that she recently found out that she and Lorac are kinda sorta linked on the psychic level. Specifically, if Carol concentrates hard enough, she can cause Lorac to have the uncontrollable urge to pee. So far, Lorac has found her plans to dominate our world confounded by a near total lack of bladder control. Really, it’s pretty hard to intimidate the UN when you suddenly wet yourself in mid-threat.

Meanwhile, Carol has taken to carrying an overnight bag with her at all times, as well as enough money for a long bus ride.

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The Doclopedia #812

My Evil Twin: Elise   (Lisa Alber)

Many of us have tried to lose weight, with varying degrees of success both in the losing and in the keeping it off. Lisa was no different, so she tried to be a healthy eater and get some exercise. Mostly, she did ok, but then there would be a party or something and there would be sweets and the next thing you know her pants were getting tight again. It could get discouraging.

Just to make things worse for Lisa, her Evil Twin, Elise, blew into town. Elise was thin and looked good in any sort of clothing. Even worse, she could eat an entire rack of custard filled donuts and not gain a friggin’ ounce! Oh, how Lisa hated her. Actually, pretty much every woman who knew Elise hated her. Several men did, too. Let’s face it, skinny bitches don’t get much love from chubby folks.

From time to time, Elise will leave town to go do modeling in Paris or someplace. These trips are pretty much the only thing stopping her from being lynched. Meanwhile, Lisa and the other non-skinny folks keep eating their salads, hitting the gym and talking smack about that cake eating twit, Elise.

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The Adventure Of The Cornwall Creeper

…as told by Dr. John H. Watson, MD

 

The Doclopedia #808

My Evil Twin: La Strega (Diane Russom Harrison)

Nobody knows for sure why La Strega is spying on Diane, but she insists that “that bitch” is, in fact, watching her every move. Actually, nobody in Diane’s family has ever even seen La Strega, even with the very detailed descriptions that Diane provides them with. Several family members and friends have googled the name, but came up empty handed. Most people who know Diane are thinking she might need some medication and a nice long rest.

Which is exactly how La Strega has been planning it. Once she knows Diane has gone off to the Happy Home, she can set her plot for world domination into motion. For some reason, she is convinced that Diane, her Good Twin, is the only person who can stop her reign of terror before it starts. Some of La Strega’s minions think she could use a little medication herself.

Unknown to La Strega, Diane has found out about both the world domination plan and her family & friends thoughts on her mental health. She has vowed to stop the former in order to set right the latter! Even now, she is developing a plan so cunning you could use it to slice a pie. The only problem is, will La Strega find out about it? And so, the mental chess match begins!

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The Doclopedia #809

My Evil Twin:Skippy (Kerry Kilburn)

It’s not like Kerry tries to be a pushover, it’s just that she wants to believe the best about everybody. She just knows that her friend Alice will return those very expensive shoes that Kerry never even got a chance to wear yet. She’s also quite certain that Uncle Hank will pay back that $3,000.00 she lent him back in 2004. He’s just been having a hard time finding work, what with his bad back and all. And she really doesn’t mind that most of her family comes over to eat at her house 3-4 times a week.

Skippy, on the other hand, thinks Kerry is a softhearted dummy. She would have told Alice to buy her own damned shoes, beat that three grand out of Uncle Lazyass Drunk back about 2006 and told her family to go make her a few 5 star meals before she’d cook for them again. Skippy doesn’t take crap from anybody. She constantly calls Kerry and tells her to grow a set and get tough, but Kerry always wusses out. One of these days, Skippy might just have to slap her around.

Meanwhile, over at Kerry’s house, he brother Waldo is asking to borrow her new car, since his is in the shop after his latest accident that wasn’t his fault. If she loans it to him, Skippy is going to have a fit, but Kerry just can’t turn him down.

Six Million Yellow Hippos

…your mental image for the day

The Doclopedia #806

My Evil Twin: Arthur Whitmore (Brandon Blackmoor)

For the first 25 years of his life, Brandon Blackmoor was completely unaware that he even had an Evil Twin. Oh sure, every once in a while he’d notice a shadowy figure watching him from an alley, but he just figured it was some sort of secret government organization checking him out for eventual recruitment, so he’d just act like they weren’t there.

This infuriated his Evil Twin, Arthur Whitmore, to no end. He was sure that Brandon knew he existed, but was just ignoring him. Over the years, especially the teenage years, Arthur became more and more obsessed and angry, which made him a bit mentally unstable. Finally, his madness reached a peak and he did the unthinkable: he entered law school.

Law school was an uphill battle for Arthur, because it got in the way of spying on Brandon, who was

attending the same university. Oh, the insult! The arrogance! But Arthur had developed a plan that would soon have the hated Brandon at his mercy.

About 15 minutes after he passed his bar exam, Arthur rushed to a science lab and had his DNA scanned and mapped. He then went and had it patented, knowing that he and Brandon shared the same DNA and figuring that he could now control any of the new gene based medical treatments that Brandon might need someday. Having received his patent, Arthur then maxed out his credit cards to buy a national television commercial in which he gloated about his plan and told Brandon that he, Arthur, was now calling the shots.

Naturally, it all ended up in the courts and Arthur won every time…until the case went before the Supreme Court. It was there, with the whole world watching, that the proceedings were interrupted by that famous masked scientist, the head of the Office of Scientific Coolness, Dr. MegaScience! He told the Court that it was only that morning that the government had declassified the proper files so he could reveal the truth and end this mess.

He told how he and other scientist had, nearly three decades earlier, cloned a human being using the cells of a 3 month old baby. He explained that the clone baby was given to a childless couple to raise and that the scientists had studied this child all his life. Somehow, he said, the young Arthur learned about his “twin” and developed an obsession with him. He then went on to say that Arthur could not possibly own the rights to Brandon’s DNA, because he did!

The entire Supreme Court gasped. Then, they gasped even more as Dr. MegaScience pulled off his mask and revealed himself to be an older version of Brandon and, by extension, Arthur! The entire room was stunned! STUNNED, I tell you!

Arthur shouted “NO!”

Brandon shouted “Dad?”

Dr. MegaScience told the court that he, his wife and the rests of the OSC had decided that he should be the first human cloned. That clone was Brandon, whom they raised as their son. Since that made Arthur a copy of a copy, he had no rights to his own DNA. The Court agreed.

Today, Brandon is a world famous computer game designer and Arthur, after much therapy, is leading

a happy life as a farmer. Dr. MegaScience continues to keep America safe for Weird Science.

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The Doclopedia #807

My Evil Twin: The Dread Pirate Beatrice (Avis Crane)

Lady Avis Crane had had enough. Her Evil Twin, the Dread Pirate Beatrice (also known as Beatrice the Disgruntled), had once more attempted to steal away one of her lovers, a young French fellow named Rene…or maybe Reynard. It got so hard to keep them all sorted out. Really, it was enough trouble keeping the Spaniards separated from the Portuguese and the Italians. Perhaps she ought to just go with Scots for awhile, since you could get away with just calling them “Laddie” or “My Brawny Big Lad”.

No matter, she still had to deal with this Beatrice problem. It had been this way for years and years already and Lady Avis hated it. She would go looking for a particular man, only to discover that they had sailed off with Beatrice aboard the “Bitch of the Sea”. Months later, they’d stagger back into civilization all drunk and dirty and of absolutely no use as a boy toy. No, Avis had to stop this now, even if it meant challenging her to a duel.

So Lady Avis assembled a crew and set sail aboard the “Lady of the Ocean” for Port Royal, determined to sort this mess out.

Meanwhile, in the Caribbean, Cap’n Beatrice was having fun looting and pillaging and sinking British & French ships and generally raising hell. When she heard that Lady Avis was on the way, she gave out with her best “Yarr!” and swore that she’d “make that fancy British tart walk the plank”.

And so it was that when they met, all of Port Royal turned out to watch the duel. Much money was bet, mostly on Beatrice. The rum flowed freely. Then, the two women entered the dueling circle. The started off with some warm up insults.

Yarr, lass, ye’ve gained a bit of weight, I see. Looking a bit broad across the beam there.”

You’ve also put on some pounds, Beatrice. A few more and they might fill in all of those wrinkles on your face.”

The crowd gasped! This shit was getting serious!

Suddenly, the two women rushed each other and swords rang. Many in the crowd were surprised to see that Lady Avis was a formidable hand with a sword. The fight went on hard & fast for 20 minutes, then slowed for ten more. Finally, Cap’n Beatrice called a time out for a bit of breath catching & rum.

Yer a damned fine swordswoman, lass, I’ll give ya that”, she said between chugs of rum. “I reckon you ain’t spendin’ all of your time puttin’ the lads through their paces.”

Avis nodded and slugged down some rum. “Well, you’d know about putting lads through their paces, wouldn’t you? I’ve heard you’ve had half the men from Argentina to Sweden.”

Beatrice barked out a laugh before taking a swig of rum. “Ye heard wrong. I’ve never been to Sweden.” Everybody laughed, including Avis.

That’s a pity, because Swedish men…well, really all of the Nordic men…are so big and blond and lusty.” Avis took another pull of rum.

Are they now? Well, strike me colors and call me a Frenchie. Say, Avis, have you ever met any American men?”

Avis thought a moment. “No, I don’t believe so.”

Well now, them is as burly and masculine a lot as you’ll find anywhere. I reckon taming a new land is what does it.”

The two sat in silence for a couple of minutes, drinking their rum.

Big & blond, ye say?”

Yes. Burly & masculine, you say?”

Aye, very much so.”

They sat a few more minutes, then staggered to their feet and declared the duel a draw. Then they boarded their ships and set sail, with Beatrice heading northeast and Avis heading northwest. They never saw each other again, but then, they were both terribly busy.

Pee Wee Santos And The Death Ride Of Terror

…for years after that, Pee Wee had a nervous tic

 

The Doclopedia #805

My Evil Twin: Zimondo (Simon Rogers)

No doubt about it, Simon Rogers was a darned good looking man. With his devilish good looks and impeccable fashion sense, Simon was admired by men and lusted after by women. He looked so good that James Bond asked him for grooming suggestions.

All of which is why his Evil Twin, Zimondo, hated him and wanted him dead. You see, Zimondo had terrible fashion sense and was known to slack off on his personal grooming. It didn’t help that he was colorblind and had a very poor sense of smell, either. His years of hard living hadn’t improved his face, either.

So yeah, he was pretty damned jealous of Simon and set up a death trap for him. Actually, he set up 26 different death traps over a 5 year period and not one of them so much as mussed a hair on Simon’s perfectly coiffed head. They did, on the other hand, mess up Zimondo pretty thoroughly. Over the years, he was…

Crushed

Set on fire

Frozen

Run over by trucks

Blown up

Electrocuted

Bitten by sharks

Thrown 900 feet by a catapult

Dropped off a cliff. Twice.

Sunk into quicksand

Poisoned

Mauled by lions & tigers & bears. Oh my

Now, Zimondo still hates Simon, but finds it much safer to just send him rude emails.

I Rested My Kindle On An IPad In A Nook

…and suddenly gained super powers!

 

The Doclopedia #804

My Evil Twin: Francis Mary (Mary Garrett)

Mary Francis was, by and large, a very nice lady. Everyone she met agreed that she was helpful, pleasant and generally not a troublemaker. She was just a really sweet and average kind of person.

When her Evil Twin, Francis Mary blew into town driving a little red sports car and sporting a bad attitude, things got real interestin’. See, at first, when folks saw that red hot rod drive up with who they thought was Mary Francis in it, the figured she must have won the lottery. But when they saw her get out of the car and light up a cigar, they knew something was wrong. When she looked at the gathered crowd and said, “What the hell are you slackjawed assholes looking at?”, they knew this was not their kindly neighbor lady.

Francis Mary got the best room in the best hotel in town and soon had the gossip mill buzzing. She was drinking every night in the better sort of bars, eating entire pies of the dessert cart at the finest restaurants and dallying about with a series of younger men. The town was scandalized!

Mary Francis tried to persuade her to leave, but to no avail. Francis Mary just laughed at her and called her “The Queen of Wimps. Terribly upset by that, Mary Francis had no choice but to pull out the big guns: Aunt Verna and Aunt Lou.

These two Aunts were not only feared by family members, they feared by most people in a 5 state area. They were so sharp tongued, opinionated, vocal, obscene and long winded that Aunt Verna once peeled all of the paint off of Uncle Ray’s new 1957 Cadillac just by staring at it too hard and giving it a backassed compliment. Aunt Lou had driven her first three husbands to drink, but her fourth husband, Moe, was deaf and so was only driven to golfing 6 days a week.

When the Terror Aunts caught up with Francis Mary, it was not a case of the shit hitting the fan, but more a case of A mountain of assorted poop hitting a Class 4 Hurricane during a meteor strike. Poor Mr . Higwell, who managed the Hilton Hotel, had a nervous breakdown as all of his guests and staff fled in terror. The police surrounded the building, but even the SWAT team would not go inside. Watching the whole thing on TV, Mary Francis hoped that the property damage would be minimal.

In the end, Francis Mary left town in a screech of burning rubber and obscene cursing, the two aunts went home to berate their respective husbands and Mary Francis went back to her nice sedate life. The townsfolk eventually went back to normal gossip a month or so later,

Not In This Issue: Cookies, Smelt And Canadian Humor

…despite the fact that I know many humorous Canadians

 

 

The Doclopedia #803

The Birds & The Bees: Making Love The Mutant Way

Well, it all depends on what kind of mutant you are, don’t it? I mean, if your a human/dog mutant, the sex is all casual and such. Oh, sure once it awhile a fight breaks out because some bloke tries to get ahead in the queue, but those fights are over in a wink and it’s all good.

If you’re a human/cattle hybrid, or any of several of the hooved quadruped hybrids, the biggest bull or buck gets all of the action and that’s that. Well, unless your a goat or moose or elk hybrid, ‘cos then you’ll be butting heads and rattling antlers until the younger blokes piss off.

But if you’re a lion or bear or other major predator hybrid, you’re fighting every young bastard that comes along and when they fight, there’s a bloody good chance of getting injured or even killed. Same goes for the chimps, except they fight in groups before fighting among their own tribe.

Who has it best? Oh, no doubt it’s the bonobo hybrids. I mean, even when they aren’t breeding for reproduction, they’re shagging all the time anyway. No arguing among them, mate, it’s just have a quickie and forget what the hell the problem ever was and you didn’t have to butt heads with some other poor bugger.

Handsome Joe Has A Dream

…he dreams about hotdogs and a new squeaky toy.

 

The Doclopedia #800

The Birds & The Bees: Sex on Altairus 3

The Important thing to remember, young hatchling, it that every female receptive to breeding is an insane female. If you do not approach them properly, they will slay you, then eat you. Approach is everything, especially in your first breeding stage, when you are 1/6th her size. Later, after your 7th or 8th breeding stage, you will be larger than her and breeding will not be nearly as dangerous, although it is still a very risky thing.

At any rate, you must trill and walk up to her very slowly. You must come directly at her, face to face, being sure that you trill louder the closer you get. Trilling calms the insane female and also causes her to become ready for the insertion of your tilg.

When you are about to enter the distance her arms can reach, suddenly display your mating tentacles and begin flashing red and yellow through your pigment nodes. Continue walking towards her and if you get more than a step within arms reach of her, you probably will not get killed. Keep walking and as soon as you can, caress her head with your mating tentacles. Don’t forget to vigorously flash those colors the whole time!

When the female begins to emit a low hum, stop flashing and caressing and quickly run around behind her and insert your tilg into her foomin. Once you do, hang on tighly, as most females will begin to thrash about with pleasure. Many first stagers have been thrown loose and killed during this time, so hang on for your life!

Actual mating will last about two minutes, during which time you will ejaculate 8-10 times, experiencing great satisfaction each time. Just before the female stops thrashing, she will release growth hormones that your body will absorb, sending you onto a year long cycle into the next breeding stage.

The moment the female stops thrashing, you must pull out and run as fast as you can! You only have about 15 seconds before she awakens from Breeding Rapture, at which point she will be ravenously hungry and insane with bloodlust. To avoid getting eaten, we recommend that you pre-plan at least 3 ways out of the Breeding Lair. You might also find it useful to drop dead Sporgo Fish as you run. Many females will stop to eat these, gaining you valuable seconds to get to safety.

Once the female has had 2-4 days to recover from Mating Frenzy, she will be her normal self for 4 months, until she enters Birth Madness.

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The Doclopedia #801

The Birds & The Bees: The Sex Life Of Superheroes

Oh yeah, being a superhero is great. The adulation of the people, the adventure, the knowledge that you are doing right…yes, it’s all great.

Until you want to get laid.

See, many of us can’t consort in that way with normal folks. I mean, if UtraGuy tried to bone some ordinary human, he’d kill them. Captain Speed? If he didn’t rub them raw in the first 3 seconds, he’d surely get no repeat calls once he finished up in another 4 seconds. Miss Invisible? Yeah, right. Without X-ray vision or something, that would be like playing pin the tail on the donkey.

So, yeah, we have to find our sexual partners among ourselves, although every now and then an alien will pop up that works out pretty well. Those Movarians, for instance. Now they were big fun in the sack. Too bad they all went back to their homeworld.

Of course, sometimes a pair of supers really match up, like Amazing Woman and Superdude or Flame-O and Lava Lass. The rest of us just have to keep on looking.

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The Doclopedia #802

The Birds & The Bees: How Dragons Have Sex

It’s really quite straightforward, you know. The male and female fly very far up into the sky, so high that they vanish from sight despite being 300 feet long. When they reach the peak of their flight, they quickly enfold each other with their wings and commence the sexual act much as we humans would. It is a rather frantic and pleasurable act with much laughing going on, again, much as with humans.

Now, the dragons are falling from the sky the whole time mating is going on, so there is a rather important bit of timing necessary to avoid hitting the ground and not all dragon pairs time things correctly. While this almost never results in any injury to the dragons, it does often have considerable…impact…upon the ground below. An example of this would be the abrupt destruction of the small village of Jumbly-By-The-Lake. Actually, there isn’t much lake left, either.

Once the mating is done, the female lays from 1 to 3 eggs that she heats with her flame breath and body heat for a period of about 6 months. Once the babies are hatched, both parents care for them until they leave the lair two years later.