Never Make A Hamburger Out Of Ham

…it really freaks people out.

The Doclopedia #771

Readers Secret Identities: Peter, The Aristocratic Thief   (Peter Hildreth)

Peter was the suave and handsome heir to wealth and privilege. His father, the Ninth Duke of Earl, was the Minister of Doing Stuff That Sounds Really Vital and his mother was born a Princess to some small Eastern European country that no longer existed.

Peter knew all the right people, dressed in the latest fashion, attended all the right parties and knew all the ins & outs of government, business and world affairs. Speaking of affairs, he cut a wide swath through the aristocratic young ladies of 5 continents. Many would swoon at the mention of his name.

And then there was Peter’s very favorite hobby: stealing incredibly valuable things from the very rich and powerful folks he hobnobbed with. It was a skill he developed while away at school as a lad and one he had since honed to perfection.

Aided by his man, Ainsworth and his driver, Tomlin, Peter stole jewels, paintings, bonds, cash, rare wines, precious metals, expensive cars, rare first editions of books and on one memorable occasion, a pair of race horses. Lately, he’s been thinking quite a bit about both the Crown Jewels of England.

It should be noted that Peter donates the money he gets from his thievery to charities all over the world. Anonymously, of course.

The police in 33 countries would like to catch the thief that keeps leaving a single penny (the country of origin varies) behind at each of his crime scenes.

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The Doclopedia #772

Readers Secret Identities: Spike, The Red-Ink Avenger   (Spike Jones)

Really, it was only a matter of time until Spike lost his mind. I mean, he was an editor, for goodness sake! That’s the sort of job that sucks up sanity like a vacuum cleaner sucks up pet hair. Actually, it was even worse for poor Spike, because he edited roleplaying games written by freelance writers, many of whom had no business writing a shopping list, let alone a 20,000 word adventure or a 90,000 word rulebook.

It was in the humid heat of summer when an alleged writer sent Spike the 21,000 word manuscript for an adventure for the Tunnels & Termites game. By the time Spike reached word 2,000, he knew that the author not only had no familiarity whatsoever with the game rules, but had obviously never set foot in any sort of class that ever dealt with punctuation, spelling or writing. He strongly suspected that English was the author’s fifth or sixth language. By the time he got to word 6,752, he had called the author 38 times. On the 39th call, the author said “you know, it’s not MY job to do the editing” and Spike’s mind snapped.

Several hours later, Spike left his home and was on the road to pay the so called author a visit. He was wearing a completely red costume and a mask. When he got to his destination 29 hours later, he told the author “I’m the Red-Ink Avenger and you must pay for your crimes against the English Language!”. Then he stabbed him 184 times with a red pen before dancing about on the corpse.

Since then, dozens of hack writers and a few slacker editors have felt the wrath of the Red-Ink Avenger. Sadly, his mission may never be finished, since he does go online to read things.

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The Doclopedia #773

Readers Secret Identities: Wolf, The Smiling One   (Montejon “Wolf” Smith)

Back in the days before the white man killed himself along with the black men, the yellow men and the brown men (Or most of them, anyway. There may still be other Native People in other places), people thought that a man who smiled too much was sneaky and should not be trusted.

But what do you expect from people who made a disease that killed them all?

In our tribe, Wolf smiles all the time. Some say this is because he is such a good hunter. Others say it is because he is so big and strong. A few say it is because he can read the books from the old time.

Those people may all be right, but I think Wolf smiles so much because every night, a different maiden sneaks into his tent. That would sure make me smile.

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