Handsome Joe Has A Dream

…he dreams about hotdogs and a new squeaky toy.

 

The Doclopedia #800

The Birds & The Bees: Sex on Altairus 3

The Important thing to remember, young hatchling, it that every female receptive to breeding is an insane female. If you do not approach them properly, they will slay you, then eat you. Approach is everything, especially in your first breeding stage, when you are 1/6th her size. Later, after your 7th or 8th breeding stage, you will be larger than her and breeding will not be nearly as dangerous, although it is still a very risky thing.

At any rate, you must trill and walk up to her very slowly. You must come directly at her, face to face, being sure that you trill louder the closer you get. Trilling calms the insane female and also causes her to become ready for the insertion of your tilg.

When you are about to enter the distance her arms can reach, suddenly display your mating tentacles and begin flashing red and yellow through your pigment nodes. Continue walking towards her and if you get more than a step within arms reach of her, you probably will not get killed. Keep walking and as soon as you can, caress her head with your mating tentacles. Don’t forget to vigorously flash those colors the whole time!

When the female begins to emit a low hum, stop flashing and caressing and quickly run around behind her and insert your tilg into her foomin. Once you do, hang on tighly, as most females will begin to thrash about with pleasure. Many first stagers have been thrown loose and killed during this time, so hang on for your life!

Actual mating will last about two minutes, during which time you will ejaculate 8-10 times, experiencing great satisfaction each time. Just before the female stops thrashing, she will release growth hormones that your body will absorb, sending you onto a year long cycle into the next breeding stage.

The moment the female stops thrashing, you must pull out and run as fast as you can! You only have about 15 seconds before she awakens from Breeding Rapture, at which point she will be ravenously hungry and insane with bloodlust. To avoid getting eaten, we recommend that you pre-plan at least 3 ways out of the Breeding Lair. You might also find it useful to drop dead Sporgo Fish as you run. Many females will stop to eat these, gaining you valuable seconds to get to safety.

Once the female has had 2-4 days to recover from Mating Frenzy, she will be her normal self for 4 months, until she enters Birth Madness.

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The Doclopedia #801

The Birds & The Bees: The Sex Life Of Superheroes

Oh yeah, being a superhero is great. The adulation of the people, the adventure, the knowledge that you are doing right…yes, it’s all great.

Until you want to get laid.

See, many of us can’t consort in that way with normal folks. I mean, if UtraGuy tried to bone some ordinary human, he’d kill them. Captain Speed? If he didn’t rub them raw in the first 3 seconds, he’d surely get no repeat calls once he finished up in another 4 seconds. Miss Invisible? Yeah, right. Without X-ray vision or something, that would be like playing pin the tail on the donkey.

So, yeah, we have to find our sexual partners among ourselves, although every now and then an alien will pop up that works out pretty well. Those Movarians, for instance. Now they were big fun in the sack. Too bad they all went back to their homeworld.

Of course, sometimes a pair of supers really match up, like Amazing Woman and Superdude or Flame-O and Lava Lass. The rest of us just have to keep on looking.

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The Doclopedia #802

The Birds & The Bees: How Dragons Have Sex

It’s really quite straightforward, you know. The male and female fly very far up into the sky, so high that they vanish from sight despite being 300 feet long. When they reach the peak of their flight, they quickly enfold each other with their wings and commence the sexual act much as we humans would. It is a rather frantic and pleasurable act with much laughing going on, again, much as with humans.

Now, the dragons are falling from the sky the whole time mating is going on, so there is a rather important bit of timing necessary to avoid hitting the ground and not all dragon pairs time things correctly. While this almost never results in any injury to the dragons, it does often have considerable…impact…upon the ground below. An example of this would be the abrupt destruction of the small village of Jumbly-By-The-Lake. Actually, there isn’t much lake left, either.

Once the mating is done, the female lays from 1 to 3 eggs that she heats with her flame breath and body heat for a period of about 6 months. Once the babies are hatched, both parents care for them until they leave the lair two years later.

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