Six Million Yellow Hippos

…your mental image for the day

The Doclopedia #806

My Evil Twin: Arthur Whitmore (Brandon Blackmoor)

For the first 25 years of his life, Brandon Blackmoor was completely unaware that he even had an Evil Twin. Oh sure, every once in a while he’d notice a shadowy figure watching him from an alley, but he just figured it was some sort of secret government organization checking him out for eventual recruitment, so he’d just act like they weren’t there.

This infuriated his Evil Twin, Arthur Whitmore, to no end. He was sure that Brandon knew he existed, but was just ignoring him. Over the years, especially the teenage years, Arthur became more and more obsessed and angry, which made him a bit mentally unstable. Finally, his madness reached a peak and he did the unthinkable: he entered law school.

Law school was an uphill battle for Arthur, because it got in the way of spying on Brandon, who was

attending the same university. Oh, the insult! The arrogance! But Arthur had developed a plan that would soon have the hated Brandon at his mercy.

About 15 minutes after he passed his bar exam, Arthur rushed to a science lab and had his DNA scanned and mapped. He then went and had it patented, knowing that he and Brandon shared the same DNA and figuring that he could now control any of the new gene based medical treatments that Brandon might need someday. Having received his patent, Arthur then maxed out his credit cards to buy a national television commercial in which he gloated about his plan and told Brandon that he, Arthur, was now calling the shots.

Naturally, it all ended up in the courts and Arthur won every time…until the case went before the Supreme Court. It was there, with the whole world watching, that the proceedings were interrupted by that famous masked scientist, the head of the Office of Scientific Coolness, Dr. MegaScience! He told the Court that it was only that morning that the government had declassified the proper files so he could reveal the truth and end this mess.

He told how he and other scientist had, nearly three decades earlier, cloned a human being using the cells of a 3 month old baby. He explained that the clone baby was given to a childless couple to raise and that the scientists had studied this child all his life. Somehow, he said, the young Arthur learned about his “twin” and developed an obsession with him. He then went on to say that Arthur could not possibly own the rights to Brandon’s DNA, because he did!

The entire Supreme Court gasped. Then, they gasped even more as Dr. MegaScience pulled off his mask and revealed himself to be an older version of Brandon and, by extension, Arthur! The entire room was stunned! STUNNED, I tell you!

Arthur shouted “NO!”

Brandon shouted “Dad?”

Dr. MegaScience told the court that he, his wife and the rests of the OSC had decided that he should be the first human cloned. That clone was Brandon, whom they raised as their son. Since that made Arthur a copy of a copy, he had no rights to his own DNA. The Court agreed.

Today, Brandon is a world famous computer game designer and Arthur, after much therapy, is leading

a happy life as a farmer. Dr. MegaScience continues to keep America safe for Weird Science.



The Doclopedia #807

My Evil Twin: The Dread Pirate Beatrice (Avis Crane)

Lady Avis Crane had had enough. Her Evil Twin, the Dread Pirate Beatrice (also known as Beatrice the Disgruntled), had once more attempted to steal away one of her lovers, a young French fellow named Rene…or maybe Reynard. It got so hard to keep them all sorted out. Really, it was enough trouble keeping the Spaniards separated from the Portuguese and the Italians. Perhaps she ought to just go with Scots for awhile, since you could get away with just calling them “Laddie” or “My Brawny Big Lad”.

No matter, she still had to deal with this Beatrice problem. It had been this way for years and years already and Lady Avis hated it. She would go looking for a particular man, only to discover that they had sailed off with Beatrice aboard the “Bitch of the Sea”. Months later, they’d stagger back into civilization all drunk and dirty and of absolutely no use as a boy toy. No, Avis had to stop this now, even if it meant challenging her to a duel.

So Lady Avis assembled a crew and set sail aboard the “Lady of the Ocean” for Port Royal, determined to sort this mess out.

Meanwhile, in the Caribbean, Cap’n Beatrice was having fun looting and pillaging and sinking British & French ships and generally raising hell. When she heard that Lady Avis was on the way, she gave out with her best “Yarr!” and swore that she’d “make that fancy British tart walk the plank”.

And so it was that when they met, all of Port Royal turned out to watch the duel. Much money was bet, mostly on Beatrice. The rum flowed freely. Then, the two women entered the dueling circle. The started off with some warm up insults.

Yarr, lass, ye’ve gained a bit of weight, I see. Looking a bit broad across the beam there.”

You’ve also put on some pounds, Beatrice. A few more and they might fill in all of those wrinkles on your face.”

The crowd gasped! This shit was getting serious!

Suddenly, the two women rushed each other and swords rang. Many in the crowd were surprised to see that Lady Avis was a formidable hand with a sword. The fight went on hard & fast for 20 minutes, then slowed for ten more. Finally, Cap’n Beatrice called a time out for a bit of breath catching & rum.

Yer a damned fine swordswoman, lass, I’ll give ya that”, she said between chugs of rum. “I reckon you ain’t spendin’ all of your time puttin’ the lads through their paces.”

Avis nodded and slugged down some rum. “Well, you’d know about putting lads through their paces, wouldn’t you? I’ve heard you’ve had half the men from Argentina to Sweden.”

Beatrice barked out a laugh before taking a swig of rum. “Ye heard wrong. I’ve never been to Sweden.” Everybody laughed, including Avis.

That’s a pity, because Swedish men…well, really all of the Nordic men…are so big and blond and lusty.” Avis took another pull of rum.

Are they now? Well, strike me colors and call me a Frenchie. Say, Avis, have you ever met any American men?”

Avis thought a moment. “No, I don’t believe so.”

Well now, them is as burly and masculine a lot as you’ll find anywhere. I reckon taming a new land is what does it.”

The two sat in silence for a couple of minutes, drinking their rum.

Big & blond, ye say?”

Yes. Burly & masculine, you say?”

Aye, very much so.”

They sat a few more minutes, then staggered to their feet and declared the duel a draw. Then they boarded their ships and set sail, with Beatrice heading northeast and Avis heading northwest. They never saw each other again, but then, they were both terribly busy.